by Karlin
The Last Rational Man
Short Stories
By Karlin
Copyright 2015 Karlin
License Notes
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Discover other titles by Karlin:
Role Playing
Table of Contents
The Last Rational Man
Hair
Dylan's
A Birthday Story
Fugitive
Just Like Pa
A Man of Good Taste
A Modest Meal
Help Me Die
Anatomy Lab
An Obsession, with Music
A Medical Image
A Code
A Clean Kill
Emotions
The Flask of Amaretto
Whaling Wall
The Last Rational Man
My first stop was a mainstream religion. It had the typical concept of the God who is both dead and alive, and an idea of personal salvation. We never expected much trouble from this group, but since their belief is so popular, it was felt important that I pay them a visit, and understand their weaknesses as best as possible.
The nearest branch of their church was out in the suburbs. The street was lined with small trees that the city had planted in hopes that they would someday grow and turn the street into a leaf-lined tunnel, the way that the city streets once were before the elm trees died. The church itself was a small red brick building, not much larger than the houses nearby.
Inside, the ceiling rose to a peak, following the outline of the roof. The walls were all plain white, with the exception of the wall opposite the entrance, which was covered with red brick. There were folding chairs lined up in rows, and books, possibly prayer books, lined up on shelves near the door.
The only other feature of interest was a large photograph on the brick wall. It was a photo of a middle-aged man, wearing a blue polo shirt, and waving at the camera.
A young man entered the church, and walked over to me.
“Can I help you?”
It is always best to make your lies as close as possible to the truth.
“Yes, maybe you can. I am doing a survey of different religions, and I was hoping that somebody here could explain your beliefs to me.”
“Well, we are in luck then. I am the pastor here. Do you know anything at all about our religion?”
“Well, I have heard your group called ‘the dead-and-alive ones.’”
”Yes, I know the term. Like most nicknames, it has a kernel of truth in it, but doesn’t really explain anything.
“The story really starts about fifteen years ago. Timothy Adams was only a teenager back then.”
When he said ‘Timothy Adams,’ the pastor hit his forehead lightly with his fist three times. He continued doing this throughout our conversation, apparently as an act of reverence.
“Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) was skiing in Colorado when he found the Word of God. The Word was written in Cuneiform letters on a block of ice.”
I had no choice but to interrupt him.
“Cuneiform?”
“Yes. It was a form of writing originally used to write Akkadian on clay tablets. In this case, the Word was written in ancient Greek, though the symbols themselves were in Cuneiform.”
“Was Timothy Adams a scholar? Did he understand Greek?”
“No. He was just a high-school student. But God revealed to him how to read the tablet, so we now know what the message was.”
“I suppose that once he had deciphered the tablet, copies of the document were made, so everybody could see the holy word.”
“No! Of course not! Poor mortals are not allowed to see the tablet. It can only be viewed by Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) himself.”
“Well, surely you must keep this artifact safe.”
“Of course. Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) keeps it in his freezer.”
“His freezer?”
“Well, it is made of ice.”
“No, I just thought that you would keep it in a museum or a temple, with special backup refrigeration.”
“There is no place safer than Timothy Adam’s (knock, knock, knock) freezer. If you will let me proceed with the story, you will understand.”
“Go ahead, then.”
“The important point here was not the discovery, nor how the tablet is preserved. What’s important is what is written on the tablet. The tablet told Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) two things. First of all, that he is the Messiah.”
“Messiah?”
“Yes. I will explain what I mean by the term. The Messiah is the savior. It is through belief in the Messiah that you can reach salvation, and achieve everlasting life.”
“You don’t have to do anything besides believe?”
“You are expected to behave morally, but the bottom line is that belief paves the path to Heaven, and disbelief is a direct shortcut to Hell.”
There was a cruel logic to this, but I thought I could blow a hole in it.
“I understand what you just said, but it doesn’t make sense. What about people who never heard of your doctrine, or children, infants, who never had a chance to believe?”
“That’s a common argument, to which there is only one answer: It is unfortunate, and may seem cruel to humans, but belief is the only way. We do have a way of saving future generations, though, but that is a different story. The other obvious question is whether criminals can get to Heaven. The answer is of course the same. It may appear unfair to humans, but even the worst criminals are guaranteed a place in Heaven, as long as they believe.
“We are not proud of the fact, but we do have a motorcycle gang that truly believes. I have met them myself, and they really do believe, by any normal definition of the idea of belief. They are, unfortunately, addicted to violence of the worst type. We are not proud of them. Most of our members live moral, healthy lives. We just cannot change the metaphysics of the world. Belief, not action, is what brings reward.”
“You said that the Messiah received two messages.”
“Yes. Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) received a second message. Not only was he the Messiah, but he was dead.”
“Dead?”
“Yes. Dead.”
“I am afraid that I don’t understand at all. Your Messiah died right after receiving the tablet of revelation? You keep the tablet in a dead man’s freezer?”
“Yes, that is more or less correct. After the revelation, Timothy Adams (knock, knock, knock) was dead, and he took the tablet, brought it home, and put it in his freezer.”
This one was a little difficult to work out. I decided to give it my best shot.
“He was dead.”
“Yes.”
“And he took the tablet home.”
“Yes.”
“And he put it in his freezer.”
“I see you understand perfectly.”
“And where is Timothy Adams now?”
My host looked at his watch.
“He should be home right now.”
“He’s at home.”
“Probably.”
“Where else could he be?”
“Well, he sometimes comes to church, and he must go shopping and so on sometimes.”
“You realize that there is something a little disturbing about what you are telling me.”
“Ah. You probably think that it is rather odd to have a dead Messiah. People often ask abo
ut that. It is actually a very common belief. People believe that Christ is dead, and many of those who do think that he is dead believe that he is not only the Messiah, but actually a manifestation of God as well. That belief is acceptable, but you view ours as strange.”
“Well, you have to admit that there is a difference.”
“The main difference is that Christ lived two thousand years ago, so you are willing to accept all the strange stories about him. But when the Messiah appears in your own time, and you are surrounded by miracles and prophecies, you are suddenly skeptical.”
The conversation had taken an unpleasant turn. I needed to get back on track if I was ever going to understand their lunacy.
“I must apologize if you have gotten that impression. I agree with you that the ancients did not have a monopoly on religious matters. There is something else about what you are saying that I find difficult. Even accepting that you have a legitimate dead Messiah, how can he show up in church, or go shopping for that matter? Did you have him embalmed, and display him like the Russians show off Lenin?”
My host laughed.
“I keep forgetting that my guests are not aware of some of the most basic facts on this planet. It will all become clear to you in an instant. Our Messiah is, in fact, dead. This, you will recall, was one of the two basic revelations he received. However, though he is actually dead, he appears alive to us, unfortunate souls that we are. We see only with our physical eyes, so it seems to us that he is alive, when the inner truth is that he is in fact dead.”
“The Messiah is dead, but just seems to be alive?”
“Precisely.”
This sounded like the reverse of the famous parrot case.
“I see that you are a bit perplexed. Please try to abandon your prejudices for a moment, and understand the theological importance of this. It is well accepted that when people die they go to Heaven. In many religions, one of the main points of Heaven, sometimes the defining purpose of