"And love," Sun Young piped up.
"Okay, okay," I finally said, touching my glass to theirs one more time and drinking the soju. "Enough. If we toast to everything we'll be drinking all night."
"Isn't that what we always do anyway?" Il Hwa asked.
"You're right," I answered, wrapping my arms around both women. "You're right."
Part III
October 1995
Deok Sun
Jung Hwan and I sat on the platform, barely inches apart. Giddily I touched my fingers to my lips, still disbelieving that we had finally kissed. I stole a glance at him and he had a small smile on his face, his eyes downturned.
For once I was speechless.
Has it really been a year since I saw him last?
"So," he said, his voice a little awkward. He cleared his throat, still avoiding my eyes. "Have you been well?"
"Hmm." I fixed my eyes on his face, silently urging him to look up. He turned his head and looked at me, his eyes intent.
There had been times when I had taken Jung Hwan's presence for granted, when I had almost forgotten how it felt to have his gaze fully directed at me with his inscrutable expression. Or, at least, I always thought it had been inscrutable.
But now...
His eyes were warm, brimming with tenderness and something inside me melted. How obtuse I had been to never notice. How lucky I was that he only looked at me this way.
The lone light from the street lamp kissed his hair, making it glisten a dark onyx. My eyes traveled over the slope of his forehead, the angle of his cheekbones, and then down to his hard jaw. His eyes were framed by soft lashes, his lips almost curled in amusement when he seemed to realize I was staring.
I felt the flush cover my cheeks and fought the urge to fan myself.
How was it that I had known this boy all my life and only recently realized how much I loved him?
I certainly took slow learning to the nth degree.
He was still looking at me wordlessly, his eyes boring into mine. I could feel the air between us thicken with tension and awareness. It was as if a single breath would jolt us both into what we were and what we used to be. It scared me.
I didn't want to go back. I hoped he didn't either.
"Jung Hwan-ah," I started, all of a sudden desperate to know when his feelings changed, to convince myself that this was no passing thing. He raised his eyebrows questioningly. "When did you fall in love with me?"
A shadow of a smile played on the corner of his lips. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, his tone rueful as he replied. "When was I not?"
My eyes widened when I realized what he said, and I found myself inching closer to him. much like I did that night.
I had been asked to go on a blind date in high school. Though I liked Jung Hwan he had not been as forthright about liking me. My friends had advised me to ask him if I should go so that I could find out how he felt. I did.
"Hajima." Don't go.
Two words. It only took two words to make the happiest girl alive. But then... nothing. He said nothing else and I stopped asking.
I blinked, shook my head, and when I opened my eyes, it was Jung Hwan again in front of me, many many years since that night. Earlier I was caught up in the maelstrom of happiness, and now I felt the old nagging doubt overtake me once more. One declaration, even a great one, apparently, was not enough. All of a sudden I was unsure of what to say, caught by surprise by how much it still hurts that he didn't hold on to me, and I wanted to know the reason why.
I felt myself deflate even as I gathered up the courage to ask. His brows narrowed in concern, and my lower lip started trembling, the tears already gathering behind my lids. Mortified, I dragged my eyes away.
Why did my emotions always get the better of me? I can't believe Unnie said this was a boon. Shows you how much she knows.
I sniffled.
"Deok Sun-ah," Jung Hwan said, and I stubbornly kept my eyes in front of me, wishing and praying that the tears will not fall. I felt gentle fingers on my chin as he tipped my face up, and even then, I refused to meet his eyes. "What's wrong?"
Jung Hwan
She sat in front of me, looking as if she was about to cry. Her face, both embarrassed and ashamed, was glorious in her vulnerability, the way only Deok Sun could look. For someone as unexpressive as I am it was a sight to behold.
All at once every picture of Sung Deok Sun ran through my mind, from when we were all little to now, snapshots of the girl I grew up with and the woman I have always loved. Her every expression was imprinted in my memories, and it never failed to make me feel something.
For years I'd prided myself on being pragmatic, been criticized for being almost too unemotional. But with Deok Sun it was okay. It felt okay. She was passionate. She was honest about what she felt.
It seemed only fitting that she be the opposite of me, my perfect other half. It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. And the other parts... I wasn't quite sure. I had never questioned it; I did not need to.
Insensitive I may be at times, but I always trusted my instincts. And my gut always told me that Sung Deok Sun was better appreciated as a sum of all her parts, though every one of her qualities, I was sure, upon closer examination, would still be as good as the last.
Lovely.
It was the only word that came to mind as my hands reached for her even without meaning to, tipping her chin so that I could get a better look at her face.
She wouldn't meet my eyes and seemed to be talking to herself, upper teeth latching onto a soft lower lip. A silky stray hair brushed the back of my hands and I marveled that just minutes ago she and I had been intertwined, lips connected.
I told myself to stay focused even as the memory burned into my mind, the feel of Deok Sun's lips on mine unforgettable.
"Deok Sun-ah," I forced out, watching the way she still refused to look me in the eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she mumbled, making a futile attempt at a smile. "I'm fine."
I took a second, unsure of what to do next, trying to figure out if she was telling the truth. My mother was the one whose actions I base everything I know about women on. Omma never admitted when she wasn't okay. Omma always said she was fine even when she wasn't.
Could Deok Sun be possibly the same?
I edged myself closer to her before taking her hand. With her soft fingers interlinked with mine, I looked away before I spoke again.
"I don't think so," I said carefully, "but if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay."
I could feel her eyes blinking at me. "It is?" She sounded doubtful, incredulous.
"Of course," I answered. "I'm never going to make you do anything you don't want to do."
I didn't elaborate, afraid that I would somehow find a way to bring up our painful past. I hadn't been lying... I would never make Deok Sun do anything unless she wanted to do it. That included loving me.
See? I thought... I had proof.
If I was expecting her gratitude, I was sorely mistaken. When she spoke again not one minute later, her voice was plaintive. In fact, if a voice could pout and and throw a tantrum, hers would be doing it right now.
"Yah, Kim Jung Hwan," she said, her voice low, "is this why you didn't fight for me years ago?"
Wow, was all I could think of. I really don't know women at all.
Deok Sun
"Yah, Kim Jung Hwan," I said, unable to hold back the anger that has come to my voice, "is this why you didn't fight for me years ago?"
He turned to me, eyes surprised, expression slightly chagrined. He didn't respond. Though that certain fact made me even madder, I didn't let go of his hand. He may have meant well, but I think it's time to give him a lesson.
Sung Deok Sun 101.
"What are you talking about?" He asked.
I stiffened my shoulders. "You know what I'm talking about."
"No," he replied, shaking his head. "I don't."
I nar
rowed my eyes at him, my sadness making way for annoyance. I lifted my chin and met his gaze, unflinching. “Years ago," I said, "you acted like you liked me. You gave me my gloves and met me and my friends. You stood behind me on the bus and put your arms around me in the picture. You acted like you liked me, but as soon as I started liking you, you started pulling away."
"I didn't pull away." His response sounded unconvincing, especially because my memory of that time was impeccable. He did pull away. In fact he pulled away so much he might as well have moved elsewhere.
"And you didn't just pull away from just me," I continued, "but from all of us. Sun Woo and Dong Ryong said it, too."
"I didn't pull away."
"Of course you did," I insisted. "Even Taek noticed."
I felt him tense at the mention of Taek's name and gave his hand a squeeze. I looked at his face and noted the way he clenched his jaw, the pensive way that he looked out at the distance and I knew.
Could it be that this had not been about me but about Taek, instead?
The realization came slowly at first, and even then I tried to will it away. But the longer I thought about it and considered, the more it made sense. Why else would he keep saying Taek's name when I was confessing my love for him?
We had all been protective of Taek growing up, but no one more so than Jung Hwan. If Taek had admitted to liking me, Jung Hwan would have... I swallowed.
Jung Hwan would have stepped aside.
I knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
All anger flew out of the window as I looked at the man sitting next to me, his hand holding onto mine softly. What strength it must have taken, to put someone else first. How painful it must have been, to give up what you wanted, to make way for someone else's happiness.
"Jung Hwan-ah..." I said softly.
"I didn't pull away," he said adamantly, as if I was about to bring it up again and I softened.
"Can you look at me?"
At my request he didn't just turn his face but his whole body, and it hit me again that Jung Hwan has always been like this. Even when we were younger he always threw himself wholeheartedly in whatever he decided to do.
How different he was from me. It made me all the more appreciate him.
"About Taek..."
"What about Taek?" A shadow passed over his face and I thought against whatever it was I was going to say. It was apparent that whatever this thing was with Taek went deeper than what we are talking about now.
"Nothing," I said. "Don't worry about it." A lock of hair fell over his forehead, making him look like the Jung Hwan I knew in high school, and I smiled. Without asking me why, he mirrored my expression and I felt my heart skip a beat.
"What?" His voice was lowered, more intimate, and goosebumps rose over my skin. It almost made me dizzy, but his touch kept me here, grounded in this moment.
"I love you."
"Do you?" He asked before he gave a short chuckle. "I'm glad. Though I must admit... I'm not sure I will ever get used to hearing you say that."
"You better," I warned him. "Because I plan on saying it all the time."
We shared identical grins before I saw his eyes darken. He leaned his dark head closer to me and pressed a gentle kiss on my lips, his fingers fanning over my cheek softly, almost reverently.
I would never have known the heaven that was waiting for me, the truest love I ever could have, with Jung Hwan. Even the thought of it now brought on a measure of sadness, and grief, for who we were so many years ago.
I watched him as he kissed me, doing it so carefully I almost felt my heart break, that we waited so long for this. That we almost never had it.
He opened his eyes even as his lips opened, as if to take a breath, and the gravity of how close we came to losing this filled me with a desperate need to get him closer. I touched my tongue to his lips, tentatively at first, then with more certainly when his eyes fluttered closed. His mouth was pliant against mine, yielding, and in a nanosecond his breath mingled with mine as he kissed me back, our tongues tangling.
I heard a sigh escape my lips and he drew me closer, my arms wrapping around his neck. His hands shifted to rest on my back, and I scooted closer still. He slanted his mouth over mine and I weaved my fingers through his thick hair, wanting more.
He made a sound low in the back of his throat and it made me want more. Just as his arms wrapped around my waist, I heard someone yell.
"Deok Sun-ah!" It was Appa's voice, calling out for me. "Where are you?"
Jung Hwan and I broke apart, both our chests heaving. He seemed as dazed as I felt, and I felt a surge of feminine satisfaction. At least I knew it wasn't just me.
Jung Hwan shyly looked at his watch before meeting my eyes, his cheeks adorably flushing. "It's getting late," he said. Did his voice sound huskier? "You should go in... Your parents must be worried."
"Deok Sun-ah!" Appa's voice was even louder and I almost rolled my eyes.
"I'm coming, Appa,!" I knew my father would not stop if I didn't respond. I stood up begrudgingly, even as reached for Jung Hwan's hand, unwilling to part ways so soon.
"Go in," he said. "I'm going soon, too."
What he said made me frown. "Surely..." I said, "Surely you're not leaving for Sacheon tonight?"
"No," he answered, grinning. "I'm not going anywhere. Not tonight, anyway. I just found a reason to stay."
"Okay," I said, placated. "Well," I looked behind me, "I guess I'll go inside."
He nodded and I pulled my hand away, had almost walked to the gate when I heard his voice.
"Deok Sun-ah." I turned on my heels and looked at him, still sitting on the platform, his eyes roving warmly over me.
"Hmm?"
"Do you want to go out with me tomorrow?"
"On a date?" I asked and he nodded slowly.
I felt my lips curve into the biggest smile. "I'd love to."
The next day...
Jung Hwan
I almost bolted out of bed as soon as I opened my eyes, my mind remembering what took place last night. I looked at my clock and saw that it was only 7 am, a mere five hours since Deok Sun and I parted ways.
For a second I was tempted to call her parents' house, to see, if by chance, she was already up, then thought against it. She was off from work. Certainly she deserved to sleep in.
I stood up and stretched my arms over my head, donned a hoodie over my shirt. When I exited my bedroom, I saw that all my family was still asleep, all their doors firmly shut.
Silently I padded to the front door, stretching my legs as I walked, ready to have a jog. I needed something to distract me from waking Deok Sun up. I must have already argued with myself ten times since I woke about when the right time would be to call on her.
There was no activity in the Sung household as I walked down the stairs, or in the neighborhood when I opened the gate.
I started walking at first, not quickening my step until I was a few blocks away from our neighborhood. It might have been only then that I realized I wasn't alone, Taek already out of breath as he caught up with me.
I continued to run, barely pausing to look at him. In my mind I was still struggling about what to say, afraid to blurt out the wrong thing, and decided to stay silent instead. Strangely Taek seemed accepting of this and ran alongside me, his pace matching mine. He followed me through the mazes of the surrounding neighborhoods, through the route that would take us back to my high school, where we had spent countless weekends playing ball.
I only slowed down as we reached the field. I stole a glance at my old friend and watched as he took in the scene in front of him, a small smile on his face. I walked towards a bench and he followed, still saying nothing. I sat down and he stood in front of me, the silence between us almost deafening.
It had been this way, too, the last time we were here. As if in an impasse, for the first time in years, he and I had nothing to say to each other, almost treating each other as competitors, our more than a decade long friend
ship close to forgotten.
I regret it now, that distance that grew between us.
He was still standing in front of me and it made me feel restless, uncomfortable. I knew that I did the right thing, thinking of myself first and confessing to Deok Sun. In my heart I knew this, that I had done no wrong. But as he continued to stand before me, his eyes regarding me with so much affection, why did I now feel as if I had betrayed him?
Though Taek had not asked it of me I felt the need to explain myself, to tell him that while I was sorry I didn't prepare him, that I wasn't sorry about falling in love with Deok Sun. That I would do it all over again. To ask, even beg him, if need be, to understand.
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