by Kate Rudolph
He didn't know how he could keep a clear head in the midst of battle, but sitting in a peaceful room made his thoughts chaotic.
But maybe that was the trick. Maybe stillness wasn't what he needed. Maybe he needed movement.
It was worth a shot.
Deke got up and started moving, taking his body through one of the first sequences he had learned on a merc ship from a fellow merc from a planet far, far away who had died only a few months after Deke met him.
The movements were swift, jerking and cutting and training him to kill.
It wasn't artistry. It was mastery. He'd win no beauty contests with this form, no matter how efficient it was.
But with each movement he could feel his thoughts slipping away as he focused only on his breathing and body placement.
He didn't worry about what he was feeling for his denya. He didn't worry about the death that was coming to claim him. He didn't even worry about his family who were so far away. While he moved he was an instrument, a weapon.
Weapons did not think.
He lost his sense of time. There was no time in the battle. He ignored the aches of his muscles and the sweat dripping down his brow. Any attention paid to discomfort could get him killed, and he had plenty of scars to prove that.
When he came to the end of the sequence he started again. He went again and again and again until his muscles shook with the effort. He only stopped when he was a breath away from falling over.
He didn't know what the meditation leaders at the Temple of Peace would think about his method, but it had worked for now.
But as soon as he stopped moving, the thoughts rushed back.
Manda.
Denya.
Here.
He couldn't ignore her for long. It wasn't fair to her. And he had already wronged her enough.
Deke wiped his brow with his shirt. He could have used a towel, but there wasn't one available.
A pleasant sound chimed, telling him that the hour he had reserved in the meditation chamber was over. He could add more time to the schedule, but he knew he would just be ignoring his problems.
Manda had traveled light years to see him. He owed her something.
He might not have had much to give, but he would try his best to at least talk to her.
His body was primed from the fighting and his senses all on high alert when he walked into the hallway, which was why he noticed the alien walking the other direction. Though perhaps it was wrong to think of the being as an alien. No one was native to the Temple of Peace, everyone equally alien.
He was an entire head taller than Deke and twice as broad. He looked over his shoulder as if he could sense Deke, and Deke spotted a scar running down the alien's cheek. His skin was dark purple, the scar almost white. He could have been Oscavian, but Deke wasn't sure. He'd never seen an Oscavian that big before.
What made him look even bigger was the body armor he was wearing. Deke didn't see a weapon, but that didn't mean there wasn't one. People visiting the Temple of Peace weren't supposed to carry weapons, but that didn't mean that they were unarmed. Deke certainly wasn't.
Broken people didn't give up their safety that easily.
But most of the people in the Temple wore loose fitting clothing conducive to meditation and other calming exercises. There was no way to remain calm in body armor. He hung back several meters but started following the alien. He didn't know if the guy was up to trouble. The Temple had plenty of security to monitor the safety of the guests. But that didn't mean that they couldn't miss something.
He followed the maybe-Oscavian to a dining area and watched as he took a seat and started eating a meal. The maybe-Oscavian didn't greet any of the other diners, but he seemed relatively relaxed. He did nothing suspicious.
Nothing interesting.
Nothing threatening.
Deke was being paranoid, but he didn't leave immediately. He was sure something was still wrong. Then he realized that he hoped something was wrong. If something was wrong he could fight the alien. If something was wrong he could avoid going back to his room.
He could avoid facing Manda.
Could he send her away?
Should he?
Or should he give in to the dark feelings inside of him and claim her as his own?
He hated indecision. If he was indecisive out in the field it would kill him. But he wasn't in the field anymore. That was the entire point of coming to the Temple of Peace.
He had to head back to his room.
He had to talk to Manda.
But it could wait. Another round in the meditation chamber would clear his thoughts. Then he could deal with his feelings.
Chapter Nine
Another hour of meditation didn't do much to clear Deke's mind. He was still torn on what to do about Manda, and still fixated on the alien in body armor. He knew he should go back to the room, but he found himself going back to that cafeteria and looking out for the alien. Should he alert security? Should he hunt the man down and demand to know what he was doing at the Temple of Peace?
What right did Deke have? He'd worn body armor himself. He'd wrought plenty of violence. And it wasn't like he didn't have weapons of his own stashed in his room. He was a hypocrite for targeting the alien.
If anyone didn't deserve to be at the Temple, it was Deke.
But with his thoughts on edge he was looking out for threats. He had a bad feeling. The kind of feeling he got before a job went wrong. When he was younger he might have ignored it, but he'd seen enough of the world to know when to trust his instincts.
Something was coming.
Something bad.
He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. It was paranoia, not premonition. He knew an actual psychic, and he was no Naomi. Naomi had actual visions. She'd seen the future and changed it. Dekon had no such power. He just had his gut.
A reassurance from Naomi that everything would turn out alright would go a long way right about now.
He could call her. He didn't know that she would tell him anything, but maybe it was worth a shot. Then again, asking her to use her powers was not something they did in their family. She wasn't a weapon, or a tool. She was a person.
He'd gotten by in the last four years without the power of premonition. He would do so now.
But maybe he would check in with security. It couldn't hurt. At the very least it would put his mind at ease.
He was about to do that when Manda rounded the corner. She was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, a loose-fitting black jumpsuit cinched with a red belt. Her curves filled out the outfit and his mind went to a sultry place and he envisioned the dream. What would they have gotten up to if he hadn't forced himself to wake?
He was definitely seeing her as a woman now. But was he seeing her as a mate? Could she really be his?
"Oh," she said, surprised. "Hello. I didn't... what are you doing?"
There was some comfort knowing that she was just as nervous around him as he was apprehensive around her. He didn't want to tell her about the alien. He didn't want her scared. It was probably nothing. His imagination was playing tricks on him. That's what he hoped. That's what he needed it to be.
"Walking." He could have cursed himself for the sour tone. Whether he accepted their bond or not, he needed to at least be polite. He used to be good at this. Flirting had come as naturally as breathing. So why did he feel like he was trying to speak around rocks in his mouth whenever Manda appeared?
He saw the tic in her jaw, and her eyes narrowed a bit. She squared her shoulders as if going into battle and he was bracing for the argument. But that wasn't what she said. She forced a smile on her face, and it looked painful. "Will you show me around?"
If Deke had been walking, he would have stumbled. "I don't know the place." It was half true. He'd spent part of his first day here studying the schematics and available maps so that he would have an idea of the layout if something went wrong. He didn't like going into places blind. But he
'd only been there a week and the Temple of Peace was big. He hadn't taken much chance to explore.
Manda didn't let that get her down. "So let's explore together," she said. She raised an eyebrow, setting the challenge down.
He could tell her no. He could turn away and reject her once more. But he found himself intrigued by the idea of an adventure, especially a harmless one. No need for blasters or body armor, no worry about blood and gore. Just fun. Just them. Just what he needed. "Lead the way." He owed her this day, he owed her a lot more than this. But it was a good start.
She grinned and he felt it deep in his gut. His mate had a taste for adventure. He should have known that, since she had already traveled halfway across the galaxy to find him. She wasn't someone who let a small setback get her down. Or a large one. He knew part of the trauma of her past. That she could smile and laugh and go on adventures was a testament to her strength.
So he followed eagerly as she led him down a hall.
It wasn't really an adventure. It was barely a walk. They stopped in one of the meditation gardens and looked at all the plants that were growing in greens and blues and purples. They weren't plants from any one planet, and most of them were genetically engineered to be able to thrive on a space station. But it was beautiful and tranquil and Deke plucked a flower and handed it to Manda.
She smiled and tucked it behind her ear.
"So what brought you here?" she asked quietly as they left the garden and continued on down the hall.
"I needed some peace." He didn't want to subject her to all the darkness he had lived through. She didn't need to know that. She couldn't see the blood on his hands, even if he could never wash it away.
She looked ready to press, but then she stared at him for a moment and shrugged. "I guess I can understand that."
They didn't talk that much. There were four years of unsaid words between them. It was awkward and stilted. And it was the best walk of Dekon's life.
At one point their hands brushed together and Deke's body vibrated from the shock of it. He wanted to grip her hand and push her up against the wall and capture her mouth with his.
He resisted.
Barely.
They ended up in an elevator and Manda told him to press a button at random. He wanted to humor her. He wanted to do a lot of things. So he closed his eyes and pressed a button. The elevator began to rise, but a moment later it stopped.
"You have to be kidding me," Manda sputtered, half caught between laughter and outrage. She reached around them and jammed her finger against the button he had pressed, but the elevator stayed stubbornly still.
Deke pressed a different button, hoping it would have some sort of result, but it didn't.
"Are we stuck?" he asked, stating the obvious.
"Looks like."
He studied her, looking for signs of worry or panic, but there was nothing there except a bit of impatience.
A moment later, an automated voice came through a recessed speaker. "We're sorry for the inconvenience. A technician is looking into the issue. Please remain calm. Your elevator will continue its journey shortly. You are in no danger."
"That last sentence wasn't as calming as they might have expected," said Manda with a glare towards the speaker.
Deke was inclined to agree, but he didn't say anything. She wasn't worried now and he didn't want that to change.
He leaned back against the wall and stared at the panel of buttons as if it would do something to make the elevator start moving. Manda was standing still, but her breath seemed to be coming in short bursts.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I will be," Manda said. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"That voice was right," Deke pointed out. "We'll be safe."
"I know that," Manda said, jaw tight and eyes narrowed. "Doesn't actually make me feel better."
"Are you claustrophobic?" How had he not known that?
"Not exactly," she said with a bit of defensiveness. "I just have a thing against being held in a small space against my will. For reasons."
Of course. She had been held in captivity for years after being abducted from Earth as a child. Anyone would feel the same way.
"Come here," Deke commanded. It was the same tone of voice, if a little gentler, that he would use to get one of his teammates moving in the field.
Manda must have been freaked because she moved almost immediately. He put an arm around her and held her close. She was stiff at first, but he could feel her muscles beginning to relax.
"I'm not weak," she insisted.
"You're one of the strongest people I know."
"You don't know me very well," she shot back, her tone grumpy.
"Yes I do." Their faces were close together, so close that he could feel her breath against his cheek. It wouldn't take any effort to lean down and kiss her. Just one handspan away, and if he moved he could know what she tasted like.
His body was strung so tight he feared he would snap. She felt like the one thing tethering him to sanity. But would tasting her make things better or worse? He didn't know.
He didn't know how to answer the question.
But she was right there. Her scent surrounded him, heady and more alluring than any perfume. From the way she was looking at him, those dark eyes of hers dared him to make a move.
He had never been a coward. Deke leaned in an inch, but jolted as the elevator started to move.
He stepped back, not quite pushing Manda away, but clinging to a thread of sanity and putting a little distance between them.
If he kissed her that was it. He knew there was no going back from that. Not with her.
If he kissed her he had to be sure.
And he still wasn't. He knew he wanted her. He was pretty sure she wanted him. But he couldn't mess this up. He had almost ruined her life once. He wouldn't let his impulsiveness do it again.
***
As the elevator moved, Manda began to hope. There was no mistaking what Deke had almost done. Her lips tingled even if they hadn't actually kissed.
He wanted her. For some reason he was fighting it, but he did want her. She wasn't wrong to come all this way. She just had to keep near him, to keep trying. She knew things could be good between them if he gave it a chance. She had to keep hoping.
Eventually the elevator dumped them back on the residential floor. She wasn't quite ready to go back to their room, and Deke didn't seem eager either. So they meandered slowly down the hall, keeping a decent amount of distance between them, but some of the tension was gone.
It had been replaced by an entirely different kind of tension.
"So what have you been up to?" She had seen the messages that he'd sent the family over the past few years, but they had been light on the details. And they became more and more sparse as the years went on. She wasn't the only one frustrated with Deke. It had been comforting to know that.
Deke breathed deep and stopped walking. He shook his head and started back up after a second. "This and that."
If she shook him, would more detailed answers fall out? It seemed worth a shot. "Care to be more specific?" She wanted to know something about him. Anything, really. Four years was a long time.
She'd grown so much as a person since he went away, had learned so many things, finished school, started dealing with her trauma, had really begun to heal. He said he knew her, but he couldn't. Not really. And she couldn't know him. Not until she knew how he'd changed.
"I really don't," he said. "Nothing too exciting." He kept looking forward, as if keeping his eyes off her would stop her from asking.
That was obviously false. They came to a little alcove and Manda stopped and leaned against the wall. Deke leaned back opposite her.
"People who do boring stuff don't actually say it's boring," she had to point out. She'd learned that the hard way while working for Amy and Kyla. Interviewing clients and tailing marks sometimes led to the most boring conversations poss
ible.
"I said it wasn't interesting, not that it was boring," he countered.
"Isn't that the same thing?" She grinned, teasing him. The urge snuck up on her and she gave into it. This was Deke, after all. He'd loved teasing.
Before.
But his expression darkened. "I said I didn't want to talk about it."
Anger flitted at the edge of Manda's mind and it took a lot of control to hold it inside. The hot and cold, the up and down, was starting to get really annoying, and she had only been here for a day.
But then she took a deep breath and really thought about what Deke was doing.
He was acting like her.
Not like she acted today. Not like she acted after years of therapy and introspection. But how she'd been when she had first arrived back on Earth with Vita and Braxtyn and Doryan. When she had been half feral and hurt in every way from years of abuse and neglect.
Well, almost every way. She had, luckily, been spared some tortures.
But she'd been ready to lash out at anyone. Anyone except Doryan. He had been the one person in all the universe that she trusted. Eventually she'd let more people in. But that took time.
And her emotions had been just as volatile as Deke's seemed to be now.
Something bad had happened to him in the past four years. Something she couldn't fix with the power of the mate bond or the emotions growing between them.
She wanted to press. She wanted to know his hurts and help him fix them.
But he was on the Temple of Peace for a reason. At least he had recognized that he needed help, or at least a break. He didn't need to tell her everything now.
If he trusted her, maybe one day he would.
She wanted to change the subject, but she couldn't figure out the right words to say. She didn't want to downplay whatever he was feeling. And yet, she wouldn't press him anymore.
After a few minutes of silence they headed back to the room. Once they were through the door she saw Deke's pile of blankets laying on the floor.