I remember asking my parents if I could change mine. A new life would warrant a new name, right? Too bad for me, they loved Paloma. Why would you want to change something so beautiful and exotic? they asked. I tried explaining to them that it wasn’t even a typical Sri Lankan name. That my mother must have picked it up from somewhere. That I could pick a different, more cultural-sounding name if they liked. But they just chuckled and Dad tousled my hair and said I was being silly.
I wonder if my neighbor had a different name before Aparna.
“Sorry about that.” Gavin reappeared, running his hand through his hair, deliberately messing it up. What a tool.
“So, your wife—I guess I’ll meet her another day, then?” I made sure my disappointment showed. Maybe he’d catch on and feel bad.
“Yeah.” He was preoccupied again, peering into the kitchen.
“I saw her from a distance the other day. She looked super familiar.” I made sure I was smiling and nonchalant when I said it. “Where’s she from anyway?”
“Um, Michigan,” Gavin said. “Before that she—”
“Daddyyyyy,” Gulliver screamed, running up to him and wrapping his chubby arms around his knees. He had something splattered all over himself. Carrots, maybe, or pumpkin. It was orange, and he left quite a few blobs of it on his dad’s expensive-looking jeans. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through this fresh hell?
He smiled at me apologetically and swept the toddler into his arms.
“Looks like it’s time to give someone his lunch.”
Fuck me, this wasn’t helping.
“Before that she?” I encouraged, ignoring the fact that he really needed to get back to this hyperactive menace.
“Um, she grew up in Chicago, though I wouldn’t mention it to her. Had a bit of a rough childhood. Anyway, I’m so sorry about all of this,” he went on, not letting me slide in any more questions. “I’m sure Appy will reach out to you once she feels better.”
“Sure, yes.”
He walked me to the door and hesitated a little.
“You know, she really misses your mom. They got quite close before your parents left on their trip.”
I tried to put my hands into my pockets to hide the sudden tremble, but the damn skirt didn’t have any, so I kept them behind my back like a child.
“Oh, I see.”
“Your dad and I used to hit a round of golf on the weekends. What a guy. And Appy and your mom used to hang out all the time. I think your mom had even loaned her a copy of her favorite book. Appy told me she wanted to return it to you. Did she ever get around to it?”
“Um, yes. I think she did.”
“Good. Good.”
One thing you can say about my mother is that she never wasted time. One brown girl out of the picture, a new one swiftly takes her place. And she even gave her the book. My book. The copy of Wuthering Heights that was a welcome present to my new life from my new family. I guess it didn’t mean as much to them as it did to me after all. And this strange, creepy woman just went and left it in my mailbox? What if it got ruined?
I smiled and turned to leave even though my heart was pounding.
Be nice, Paloma. Stay calm. Even though I felt like screaming until I exploded.
“Also, Paloma—?” he added as I was starting to walk away.
“Yeah?”
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and didn’t meet my eye.
“Look, I’m sorry to even bring this up, but, well, Appy’s mentioned it and I—well, I thought I should say something, you know?”
Get to the damn point, Gavin. I just need to fucking leave.
“I know you’re probably curious about us, that we are new to the neighborhood and all. But Appy’s, well, she’s going through a tough time right now, so maybe you could give her some space?”
Wait, what?
“I—I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”
He gave me a knowing smile.
“I’ve seen you, staring through your window at us. Coming down our drive. Look, under normal circumstances it’s no big deal, really. I know you guys love to snoop around.”
You guys?
“I do not snoop!”
Be nice, Paloma. You don’t get anywhere being difficult.
I couldn’t take this anymore. I kept the smile on my face. I probably looked like a lunatic. But this accusation was preposterous.
Gavin had the decency to look a little embarrassed.
“I’m sorry for bringing it up. Really.”
For once in my life, I was lost for words. Completely and utterly defeated.
“Look, I’m sure—whatever your wife said—I’m sure she just got confused.”
“I guess it must be that.” Though his tone suggested that he didn’t agree with me at all.
“If that’s all, then I’ll get going.” I was about to turn around.
“There’s just one last thing—” Fuck me, he wasn’t done yet? He studied his feet very carefully and then took a breath, like he was determined to say what was coming next.
“Ida’s asked us to keep an eye on her place when she’s out of town. Now, I’m sure you probably know her already, but I have to ask, does she know that you’ve been going in there?”
What the fuck?
It’s not just your wife, huh, Gavin? You’ve been spying on me too.
But beneath my anger and irritation and sadness, I felt a small glimmer of hope.
“She told you she was going out of town?”
Gavin frowned.
“She usually tells Appy. She visits her sister in San Diego every month or so.”
An ounce of relief. I gave him my sweetest smile even though I felt like exploding.
“I practically grew up at Ida’s,” I said, hoping the touch of haughtiness I added to my voice was enough to get him to back off. “I’ve known where she keeps her spare key since I was a child.”
“Sure. Um, I wasn’t insinuating—I just wanted to check.”
He looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world, and I felt exactly the same.
“I’ll see you around, Gavin.”
34
RATMALANA, SRI LANKA
PERERA SIR LIKED TO read at the front of the building, on the verandah. He sat on a haansi putuwa, a woven chair with a winged back, probably made exactly for reading. His cup of tea rested on one of the arms, a fly buzzing around it. He didn’t even wave the fly away, that’s how engrossed he was in his book.
No one disturbed Perera sir when he was reading. Not even a fly. But here I was, knees shaking, hoping to do just that.
I’d thought about it under the ambarella tree. Lihini needed help. She needed to talk to someone. It wasn’t good for her to continue like this. Who knew what Lihini would do when I left? She’d probably have a full-on meltdown.
“Paloma, what can I do for you?” His voice jerked me back to reality. I suddenly didn’t know what I was supposed to say.
“Sorry to disturb you, Perera sir. M-may I please speak with you?”
“Of course, child. Is anything the matter? Not getting cold feet about moving to America, are you?”
“N-no, sir. It’s not that.”
“Then what, child?”
I took a deep breath.
“It’s Lihini, sir. I’m worried about her.”
His eyes changed, just a little.
“Yes, I’ve been worried about her too.”
“Y-you have?”
“Yes, in fact, we all are. Tell me, is she still filling everyone’s head with this nonsense?”
“You mean about—” I looked down. I felt bad saying it.
“About this Mohini business.” The way he said it, he could have been talking about the weather or some news he saw on TV.
&n
bsp; “That’s what you girls call it, right?”
I nodded. I still couldn’t look directly in his eyes.
“Tell me, Paloma, do you believe in ghosts?”
The question caught me off guard.
“Sir?”
“Ghosts, Paloma. Or ghouls. Holmang, as you say.”
“N-no, sir.”
“The girls, especially the younger ones, they seem to all believe in it.”
“That’s because Lihini is upsetting them, sir. That’s what I came to tell you.”
“Still? She promised me that she wouldn’t anymore.”
“I know, sir, but—but I think she really believes it.” I was letting her down, I know. But it was the only way I knew how to help.
“Surely, she’s too old to believe in ghosts. Isn’t she?” Perera sir looked tired.
“What do you think I should do, Paloma? That is why you came here, isn’t it? Because you wanted me to do something?”
He was asking me? How was I supposed to know? I came here to ask for his help.
“Sir, I think, well, I think she’s doing all of this because she’s upset that I’m leaving.” I let my words hang. I felt like such a traitor.
“You think she just wants attention, do you?”
“Y-yes, sir.” If I could have died, right then and there, I would have done it.
“You know, I told her that I would try my best to find her a family as well, if she’d stop.”
“I know, sir, she told me.”
“But you’re telling me she hasn’t stopped, am I right?”
Was I ruining Lihini’s chances of being adopted? Oh goodness. This wasn’t what I came here for at all.
“No, sir, I mean, I was wondering if you could please keep trying. Maybe ask Mr. and Mrs. Evans if they’d like to take both of us?”
Perera sir rubbed his eyes and sighed.
“No, child, that’s not how it works.”
My insides felt like they were being squeezed. I couldn’t take this anymore.
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“What for?”
“It’s because of me, isn’t it, that all of this is happening?”
He smiled at this, though his eyes remained hard.
“No, no, Paloma, it isn’t.”
Perera sir took off his reading glasses and started polishing them.
“I know you girls take it badly when an adoption happens. We try so hard here to make it easy for everyone.” He suddenly looked very old and tired. “But some of the girls, well . . .”
“I know, sir. It’s not just Lihini. Shanika has been pulling the worst pranks as well.”
He looked up at me and frowned. “Shanika? I thought she mostly keeps to herself now.”
“No, sir.” I didn’t want the possibility of Lihini’s adoption ruined just because I was worried about her. I wanted Perera sir to help her, not be upset with her. If he was going to be upset with someone, let it be Shanika. She deserved it anyway. “She’s been really terrible since she heard the news. You saw how she attacked me that day? And that’s not all. She ruined the copy of Wuthering Heights. She—” I looked down. “She rubbed red paint all over it. To make me think it was blood. It was Mrs. Evans’s favourite book, remember?”
Perera sir’s forehead creased.
“I see. And is that all?”
“No, sir. She took one of my passport photos and scratched my eyes out in it.”
“And you are sure it was her?”
“Of course, sir. She’s always wandering around. Scaring the other girls.”
Perera sir sighed again. I actually felt very sorry for him. It must be difficult, having to find solutions for so many problems all the time.
“She walks around at night, sir. She’s never in the dormitory. I think Miss Chandra has given up trying to keep her inside.”
He stopped looking tired and started looking angry instead.
“It’s been difficult with Shanika. No matter what we’ve done for her.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m starting to think it’s best we send her to St. Margaret’s Home for Girls after all. Maybe some discipline from Sister Cynthia is what she really needs.”
My heart started to race. I wanted Shanika to pay for all the terrible things she did to me, but did I really want her to be caned by Sister Cynthia?
It suddenly felt like everything was crashing down on me. First, Lihini getting angry with me, now Shanika being sent away because of what I just said.
The tears were hot and sudden. I didn’t even know where they were coming from. Was I feeling guilty or relieved? I couldn’t even tell.
Perera sir reached out and stroked my head, his eyes fixed on the darkening evening sky.
“Don’t cry, child. Don’t cry. Leave it with me now. I’ll take care of all this. The Evanses will be here the day after tomorrow. That’s what you should be focusing on.”
I wish I’d known then how things would change. How I had just ruined everything. How my curse had just started.
Or maybe there was never a curse. That I just brought it about myself, because of what I did to her.
35
SAN FRANCISCO, CA
I STORMED AWAY FROM Appy and Gavin’s house and slammed my front door shut. I couldn’t even make it to the sofa. The Burches—I couldn’t even imagine that that was their last name. Burch. It seemed way too normal and not nearly sinister enough.
The fucking nerve of Gavin. To suggest that I was the creep? That I was the one snooping around? I guess he and his batshit-crazy wife deserve each other.
And I was no closer to figuring out anything else.
I rubbed my face and was surprised to find tears streaming down.
Appy and your mom used to hang out all the time.
What a fucking leech.
I guess they didn’t waste any time. I wonder how long it took my parents after they stopped speaking to me to befriend Appy. It was such convenient timing for them.
I sat up straight.
Much too convenient.
And the book. Surely, surely Appy was trying to send me some sort of message? I wonder if Mom told her.
They got quite close before your parents left on their trip.
I swallowed. There was no way Mom would have told her about my letter, right?
And then my breath got stuck in my throat.
What if Mom and Dad gave Appy a set of keys to the house? Mom was super trusting about things like that. Everyone in the fucking Bay Area was. People left their keys with neighbors and under garden gnomes and secret compartments made to look like rocks or sprinklers all the damn time. It seemed odd now to think my parents hadn’t done the same.
Of course, we had a security system installed too. But, I remembered, deflating, I’ve been pretty lax about turning it on. And what’s to say my ignorant, trusting parents didn’t just give out the code to everyone? I mean, they hadn’t even changed the combination in years.
Could it have been her? Could she have broken in here and left me the photograph? Slept in my parents’ bed?
My phone started to ring.
I looked at the name on the screen and then threw it across the room in frustration.
I don’t have the time to deal with Mr. Williams right now. Not when I was smack in the middle of—in the middle of what? What the fuck was even going on?
My phone stopped ringing for a moment, and then it started up again.
I groaned, and put my hands over my ears.
But I couldn’t block out everything else.
I know. Arun leered from the kitchen table.
Que sera, sera, Mohini whispered in my year. Or was it Appy, cradling her doll?
No.
I took a deep breath.
It didn’
t work.
I took another deep breath and tried to count backwards from ten.
I got to seven when the ringing started again.
Except it wasn’t my ringtone.
And it was coming from the kitchen.
I jumped to my feet and ran over.
The phone screen lit up. Three missed calls, it said.
Fuck. I’d missed them.
My chance to find out something about Ida and I missed it.
What the actual fuck was wrong with me?
I grabbed one of Mom’s decorative vases from the windowsill and smashed it on the floor.
Que sera, sera.
The voice was back.
I smashed another vase. It didn’t help.
I held the third in my hand when the phone rang again.
I took a breath to calm myself.
The caller ID said Dotty. My thumb shook on the screen when I slid the green arrow to answer.
“Hello?” My voice didn’t even sound like my own anymore.
“Ida, it’s Dotty. Is that you?” She sounded friendly. And old.
“N-no. This is Paloma, her neighbor.”
“Oh, I see.” A pause. “Is Ida there?”
“N-no. I’m afraid. I found her phone.”
“Oh, could you please tell her to call me back? I’ve been trying to ring her and I’ve been getting a little worried.”
“Um, sure. I think she’s supposed to be visiting her sister in San Diego. Do you have a way of getting in touch with her?”
There was a beat of silence.
“Who is this?” Dotty asked. The warmth from her voice had evaporated.
“I told you, I’m Paloma, her neighbor. Paloma Evans. My parents were close friends of Ida’s. Perhaps she’s mentioned them?”
“Oh, I see. Well, there’s no way she could be visiting her sister in San Diego.”
The sense of dread that had been lurking in the shadows from the moment Ida went missing choked down on me.
“W-why’s that?”
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