What the hell are you supposed to do when your one lifeline, when your sole saviors, when your real-life angels die on you?
It was just easier to push the thought to the back of my mind, where it hardly existed. Their postcards made it easy. The postal system in South Asia is so terrible that they were still being delivered. And so I stuck them on the goddamned fridge and let myself pretend for a little, because it was better than accepting that they would never come back at all. That, once again, I was an orphan.
I started to sob.
“This is a huge step for you, Paloma. I’m so proud of you.”
But she wasn’t getting it.
“But she was there, Nina. She was in my house. She was leaving me messages.”
“Messages?”
“The doll’s head, Nina. Weren’t you listening? She’s been following me for years and now she’s found me.”
“Paloma.” Her voice was too gentle. “We’ve spent so long talking about Mohini. I thought we agreed that she was just a part of your childhood nightmares?”
Fuck you, Nina.
“This isn’t the same, Nina. This is different.”
“How, Paloma? How is this different?”
“The woman across the street from me. She’s—she must be someone from back home. She has something to do with this. With all of this. I—I just don’t know what yet.”
“Is she from Sri Lanka?”
“I—I don’t know. But that’s not the point.”
“But if you’re not sure where she’s from, then how do you know she’s from your past?”
Nina might have been my friend, but right now she was the most goddamned patronizing woman on the planet. Fuck her.
“I knew it. I knew you never believed me. Not once. I finally have proof, Nina. Proof that someone or something from Sri Lanka has finally found me.”
Her voice was quiet when she asked her next question.
“Paloma, how much have you drunk today?”
“I’m not drunk right now, Nina.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
“Nina, I’m telling you, I’m not making this shit up, and you would see that, too, if you stopped being so fucking judgmental for a minute—” But Nina looked like I had slapped her. I had cussed in front of her before, just never directly at her.
“I’m not judging you, Paloma. I just want you to be safe. You’ve been living in your parents’ house, refusing to acknowledge that they died. Fixating on your past. You’re drinking with your meds. You know how that affects your state of mind.”
“I’ve been a bit absentminded lately, Nina. But I’m not being irresponsible.”
“And how did you end up passed out on my stairwell, Paloma? Were you being responsible then?”
I rested my head in my hands again. She wasn’t even trying to understand.
I felt her put a hand on my shoulder but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. Her scarf was trailing on the stairs next to us.
Only this orange-and-pink monstrosity couldn’t be her scarf. Nina never wore anything that wasn’t white, or perhaps a very pale beige if she was being really adventurous. The fabric that pooled on the floor was dotted in a paisley print, and there were even, god help me, gold threads running through.
“Your scarf?” I asked, looking up at her.
“My scarf?” She was confused now, but she picked it up and started to fold it on her lap. “Do you like it?”
No. No way. Nina lined the books in her office with the spines facing the back of the shelf. Seeing a bright splash of color on her was just wrong. An abomination. It went against everything she was. And had I seen a scarf like that before?
“It isn’t white.”
“What? So I can’t own anything that isn’t white?”
“Well, no. I mean. Of course you can. It’s just strange, that’s all.”
Nina had the kind of smile that was like a light switch that flicked her from Nina the therapist in a white office to Nina who could knock back a few mojitos and let someone feel her up on the dance floor. Maybe if I kept talking about the scarf, she’d forget that I just swore at her.
“Where’s it from?”
“It was a gift. From one of my newer clients. She’s just moved here. Probably close to your parents’, actually, now that I think about it.”
I stood up.
Nowhere was safe. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t even know how, but it was Appy. She’d been the one messing with me. She’d even managed to track me all the way over to Nina. I knew it, deep in my bones.
No wonder Nina didn’t believe me.
The door was heavy and I struggled with it a bit.
“Where are you going?” Nina stood up too.
It finally swung open and I didn’t bother answering her. I just left.
“Paloma, come back!” I heard her shout as I stumbled away.
The street was busy as I burst outside, and I darted across quickly in case Nina was following me. I didn’t stop until I was a few blocks away. I needn’t have worried though. There was no one on my trail.
Now what should I do?
I supposed I should go back home, but a part of me really didn’t want to. I didn’t think I could manage going back to my own apartment yet either. I pulled out my phone. Maybe I could check on Airbnb and see if there’s anywhere cheap I could stay the night. It was just too much. I just needed a fucking break.
I sorted by price, lowest to highest. The cheapest was a little over a hundred dollars. Damn, I should let out the spare room at my parents’ after things settle down. But then I’d have to deal with making small talk with strangers the whole day. No, thank you. It was far kinder to my sanity to run my other little side business.
There was no chance I could go back home tonight. I was about to book a bed for $120 in the Castro, what a fucking rip-off, when a message lit up on my screen.
It was Sam.
I’m sorry about this afternoon. I don’t want to be the guy who keeps bugging you. I won’t keep trying to reach out. If you want to hang out, you know how to find me.
I read the message twice and hit the call button. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Sam. Text me your address. I’m coming over.”
37
RATMALANA, SRI LANKA
I WONDERED HOW LONG it would take Shanika to notice that her doll was gone. She usually had it with her all the time except for meals. Did she think she had lost it, or forgotten where she left it? I didn’t see her at all during the day. She wasn’t in the playroom when I got there after my talk with Perera sir.
I didn’t have to wonder too long though. Her wails reached us in the playroom, shrill and rasping.
By the time we had all abandoned our books and toys and run to the dormitory, Miss Chandra and Miss Nayana were trying to restrain Shanika as she flung her pillows and sheets aside searching for it.
“Where is it?” she screamed, over and over again. “Where is it?”
“Where’s what?” Maya asked.
“My doll. Mage bonikka. My doll.” She had started sobbing now.
“Come now, child. You have to calm down,” Miss Chandra tried.
“No,” she continued to wail. “Where is it? Where is it?”
She started clawing at her face and her arms and tearing at her hair.
“Go get Perera sir. Tell him Shanika is having one of her episodes,” Miss Chandra ordered, and Maya ran out.
They kept trying to soothe her but she was screaming, and when she wasn’t screaming she was gasping for air like someone was choking her.
“What’s this commotion now?” Perera sir strode into the dorm looking irritated with Maya right behind him. He was holding a syringe. Lihini stared at it with her eyes wide, but before any of us could react, he walked over to Shanika
and stuck it in her arm.
“There, there now,” he said. “This is very mild. Just to help you calm down.”
Shanika’s eyes got a little glassy, and she quietened a bit.
“Don’t worry, girls. This is just to help her relax. She’ll be back to normal in no time.” Perera sir gave us his usual smile, but a strand of his hair had flicked free of his middle part, and that felt very, very wrong.
“Why don’t you help her find it?” he asked, and left us.
We were all quiet for a moment, but Miss Chandra said loudly, snapping us out of it, “You heard him, girls. Start searching please.”
“It must be here somewhere,” Dumila spoke up. “Let’s look.”
“Yeah, we’ll help look,” I added, rubbing my palms against my dress. I didn’t expect her to be this upset. I just, well, I just wanted her to leave me alone.
I noticed Lihini giving me a look but I ignored her.
We all got together, looking through everyone’s bunks, and even under the beds. We searched in the drawers where we kept our clothes, and the shelves where we kept extra sheets. Of course it wasn’t there.
“What about downstairs?” someone asked, and a few of them went to check.
Shanika just sat in a corner, on the floor, rocking herself back and forth. She had a faraway look on her face, and listened to Miss Nayana when she promised her a new doll for Christmas.
When it became clear that the doll couldn’t be found and Shanika started to look drowsy, the girls left. The sun was setting. It was time for evening washes and dinner and chores.
“Let’s give her a little time, shall we, girls?” Miss Chandra said, and we left Shanika there, in the darkening room.
I followed the rest of the group towards the dining hall, but something Maya was saying to Lihini caught my attention.
“So twelve midnight, then? Sharp midnight? That’s the time she walks around, right?”
“The time who walks around?” I asked.
“Mohini, of course. We are going to wait for her today.”
“What? Are you mad?”
“What?” Lihini spoke up defiantly. “No one believes us, so we are going to wait for her and call Perera sir and Miss Chandra.”
“So you’ve both seen her?”
Maya looked down. Of course she hadn’t seen anything. She was just going on a wild-goose chase led by Lihini.
“Why are you doing this, sudhu?”
But she just kept walking away from me.
“Sudhu?” I called out louder, grabbing her shoulder.
She spun around. I had seen her angry before, but it was never at me.
“Leave me alone!” she hissed.
“No, sudhu, you need to stop doing this. You need to—”
She shoved me then. Hard.
I stumbled backwards and fell onto my bum.
I couldn’t move. It’s not that I was hurt. Not really. Just shocked.
Hot tears stung my eyes, but I jumped to my feet. I wanted to push her back. To hurt her. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t move.
Maya grabbed her arm and pulled her away. “Come on,” she said, and Lihini followed her.
I went to dinner but I couldn’t swallow anything.
I couldn’t believe she would do this to me. And right in front of Maya.
The other girls sat away, like they knew what happened. That my best friend turned against me. They giggled to themselves, shooting looks in my direction.
I made myself be calm. Mr. and Mrs. Evans would be here to get me soon. I just had to get through the next two days. Even though it hurt my heart so much that I wanted to curl up into a ball and stay that way.
I left dinner early and went to bed, though I couldn’t fall asleep. I just lay there, imagining Mrs. Evans and how she would smile down at me when she came to pick me up. I wondered what my new room would look like. I hoped it was pink. With a lot of books. Mrs. Evans would have her own copy of Wuthering Heights, I was sure of it. I hoped she’d let me borrow it.
I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep when the other girls came in.
I think I might have drifted off at some point though. The sheet wrapped around my legs as I turned in bed. The night air was too hot and stiff. It felt hard to breathe. I think I was dreaming, because Lihini’s words wouldn’t stop ringing in my ears.
You were never my friend. You only care about yourself. You might not believe me now, but I’ll prove it to you that I’m right. I’ll prove it to all of you.
I guessed she wasn’t wrong to feel that way. I was leaving her. I was leaving her and I don’t believe her. I’m leaving her the way my mother left me. Was this how my mother felt, after she had me? That there was a life, a better life, but she had to leave her old life behind so she could have it?
It wasn’t fair. I didn’t ask to be picked. If Lihini was chosen instead of me, she would leave too. And I would be happy for her. Right? But I knew I was lying to myself. If Lihini was leaving instead of me, my world would end.
But I still wouldn’t be horrible to her the way she was being to me now. I wasn’t angry with her. I just didn’t want to leave with her feeling this way.
I was dozing again when I heard it. It was soft, at first, and then it grew louder.
Was it scratching?
I didn’t move. I didn’t even breathe loudly.
There it was again. Definitely scratching. Or a muffled scraping sound.
The yank on my braid was sudden and painful. It pulled me half off the bed. A thin, bony arm was reaching out from under my bunk, my braid wrapped around its wrist.
She pulled herself out, using my hair like a rope. I tried to scream but I couldn’t even breathe, I was so afraid. I felt frozen solid.
Shanika’s face was ugly and contorted as she pulled me close to her, her hair hanging in greasy strands. Her eyes were glazed over, like she wasn’t even really here.
“My doll. Have you seen my doll?”
I finally found my voice and began to scream. It was loud and long and echoed through our dormitory.
It seemed to jolt her back to reality.
She dropped my braid and jumped back to her feet.
“Mage bonikka,” she whispered, but only halfheartedly, before she turned around and ran off.
But I wasn’t letting her get away this time.
I clambered out of bed and chased after her.
“Hey,” I called out. I didn’t care who I woke up. I didn’t care if I was going to be in trouble. “Hey! Stop!” I wasn’t wearing my slippers, and my feet pounded against the wooden staircase as my heart hammered in my chest.
One by one the lights in the orphanage were onned. Miss Chandra and even Perera sir would be here soon. She would be caught now, and punished. She wouldn’t be able to bother anyone anymore.
I couldn’t see her, but I ran towards the garden. That’s where she would go. It’s where she always went at night.
I didn’t expect to crash into someone on my way there.
“What are you doing?” Lihini asked in a fierce whisper. Maya was right next to her, clutching her arm in shock.
“Shanika! She grabbed me. Grabbed my hair. Tried to pull me under the bed.” I bent over and panted. My knees were shaking. My whole body heaved.
“Girls!” Perera sir’s voice was like a firecracker. He wore a sarong and a baniyan. It was the first time I saw him in something other than his creased trousers. And he looked very, very angry.
“What is happening here?” he boomed.
I couldn’t find the words to explain it. I was panting hard, and afraid, and I wanted to kill Shanika.
“It was Shanika, sir,” Lihini explained. “She attacked Paloma while she was sleeping. We . . . we chased her down here. All of us.”
I didn’t even care that she li
ed. I just wanted Shanika gone.
“Why on earth would Shanika attack her?”
“We don’t know, sir. But she’s been troubling Paloma for some time. She—she’s been doing some strange things. She left a photograph with Paloma’s eyes scratched out on her pillow. And now she attacked her while she was sleeping. We—we think she’s jealous that Paloma is being adopted.”
Finally, someone was on my side.
Perera sir’s lips disappeared into his mouth. He kept looking around like he expected Shanika to jump out of the shadows at any minute.
“Where is she now?”
“Shanika’s probably in the garden. That’s where she always goes,” I wheezed. I thought I saw Perera sir’s eyes widen, but I could have been imagining it.
He led the way into the garden where, sure enough, Shanika sat on the swing as usual. You could even hear her singing again. She really was disturbed.
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Shanika didn’t seem violent now. Perera sir went up to her and said something to her softly, putting his hand on her shoulder.
She nodded and then stood up.
“Let’s get back inside, girls. Right away.”
Lihini and Maya hurried in first, and Perera sir practically marched Shanika in behind them, gesturing for me to follow. But I took a moment to catch my breath.
Would this finally be the end of it? The end of her terrorising me like this? I hoped they’d send her straight to Sister Cynthia. Or lock her away in a mental asylum somewhere. She didn’t deserve to be here, scaring people, making them feel guilty for things they couldn’t control.
The moonlight turned everything silver. There was a light breeze, which felt divine on my face. Everyone else was almost inside when I started towards the door as well.
That’s when I felt something. Right behind me. Fingers snaking their way through my hair. A breathing loud and hoarse.
I spun around. A woman, pale and thin, with wicked, black eyes and hair that floated around her like a cloud, stood just inches away from me. I hadn’t believed Lihini, but now Mohini bared her teeth, pointy and sharp, at me. I felt a scream rise out of my lips and an aching pain as she bit my face, right on my cheek, over and over again. I tried to push her away but her mouth was stuck to my face. The pain was more than anything I had ever felt in my life. Like my face was being ripped to pieces.
My Sweet Girl Page 24