Liz grabbed her purse from the coffee table and took out twenty dollars. She shoved it into the hand of the cab driver. ‘There, now get out!’ she ordered, pointing at the door.
The cab driver grinned and calmly walked out the door. He pressed a button to call a lift and then turned and added, ‘You should ban your husband from the casino.’ He threw his cigarette on the ground in the lift well and rubbed it out with his foot before disappearing into the lift.
Pete came back out into the living room holding some cash. ‘Where did he go? I haven’t paid him yet?’ he asked.
Liz looked at Pete with cold anger and shook her head. ‘So, you were at the casino. Is that why you had no money to pay the cab driver?’ she asked in a quiet cold voice.
Pete sighed and wiped a hand across his face.
‘Still drunk, are you?’ Liz asked, fuming.
‘I’m entitled to have a drink with the boys to celebrate our bonuses,’ Pete replied defensively, only just managing to keep his voice down.
Liz shook her head. ‘So, this is the way it’s going to be from here on in, mister big shot banker? Drinks with the boys and nights out at the casino, despite your gambling problem?’ Liz demanded, her anger building.
‘I don’t have a gambling problem,’ Pete insisted, his voice also getting louder.
‘Really? Forgotten already how much you used to lose at the races?’ Liz snapped.
‘I’m a grown man and can look after myself just fine,’ Pete said forcefully.
‘Yeah, then why did I have to pay for your cab ride home?’ Liz cried. ‘And what the hell was a cab driver doing alone in our house smoking a bloody cigarette? Bobby’s room’s just down the hall for goodness sake. I thought the house was on bloody fire,’ she said.
‘I really think you’re overreacting,’ Pete replied, frustrated.
At that moment, Bobby came out into the living room rubbing his eyes. ‘Mummy, why are you and Daddy fighting?’ he asked groggily.
Liz looked at Pete with a loathing he had never seen before. ‘No, sweetie, everything’s fine,’ she said bending down to pick up Bobby. ‘Tell you what, why don’t we have a little sleepover?’
‘OK,’ Bobby said, leaning his head heavily on Liz’s shoulder.
Liz walked off toward Bobby’s room passing by Wati who had just emerged from the corridor bleary eyed. ‘It’s OK Wati, you can go back to sleep,’ Liz said.
Wati watched Liz and Bobby walk down the corridor and go into Bobby’s room, she then turned and looked nervously at Pete. ‘Would you like some water sir?’ she asked.
Pete sighed and answered, ‘No thank you Wati. Just do as ma’am says and go back to sleep.’
11
Anger management
Pete sighed. ‘Things haven’t been the same between me and Liz since. I’ve apologised multiple times, bought flowers and other stuff, but she’s still angry. There was a bit of a let up after the whole balcony thing, but not long after that she called me a jerk to my face and said that I had to change. But change to what?’
‘Do many people in your industry have gambling problems?’ Gabriel asked cautiously.
Pete was taken aback by the question. ‘I guess. There’s probably more than a few of us.’
Gabriel shook his head and chuckled.
‘What’s so funny?’ Pete asked.
‘Every time I talk to you it seems I get a new insight into why we had the Global Financial Crisis,’ Gabriel replied.
‘Well, I have my own family crisis, so could we get back to that please?’ Pete asked testily.
‘Pete, how do you normally react when someone confronts you or makes you angry, like Liz did?’ Gabriel asked.
‘Mostly the way I responded to Liz. I can’t control my temper and I just make things worse,’ Pete replied, embarrassed. ‘These days I seem to invite conflict, sometimes over the smallest things.’
‘I think we should try some conflict and anger management techniques then, don’t you?’ Gabriel suggested.
Pete nodded. ‘Probably a good idea.’
‘What I want to teach you first is some verbal judo and then an anger management exercise.’
Pete looked at Gabriel sceptically and asked, ‘But judo’s fighting. Won’t that just get me into more trouble?’
‘Judo actually translates from Japanese to English as “gentle way”. You use your opponent’s own energy against them to flip and incapacitate them. You can do the same using your words,’ Gabriel explained.
‘Thank you, Mister Miyagi,’ Pete replied sarcastically. ‘But I don’t see how this will help me manage my anger when someone’s having a go at me.’
‘If you learn how to defend yourself in a gentle way, you will be more confident when someone starts to criticise you and you won’t become defensive. That way the situation won’t escalate to the point where you will lose your temper. Let’s look at your argument with Liz when you came home drunk from MBS,’ Gabriel suggested.
‘I was only half drunk by the time I got home,’ Pete corrected Gabriel.
‘Good, then I can half trust your memory of the event in the role-play we’re about to do. You play Liz and I’ll play you, but I’ll use some verbal judo,’ Gabriel said.
‘All right.’
‘OK, you go first. Take it up from when you came back into the living room and Liz asked about the casino,’ Gabriel said.
‘So, you were at the casino? Is that why I had to pay the cab driver?’ Pete said in a mockingly shrill voice, shaking his finger at Gabriel.
Gabriel frowned. ‘We can do the dialogue without the bad impressions. And may I remind you that that’s your wife you’re disrespecting.’
Pete nodded and started again. ‘So, you were at the casino? Is that why I had to pay the cab driver?’
‘Yes, I was at the casino and I can see how you would think that. But, no, I lost my wallet and so I had no cash. I didn’t lose my money at the casino,’ Gabriel replied.
Pete was a little put off by Gabriel’s reply and tried another way of attacking. ‘And how did you lose your wallet? Were you drunk? Are you still drunk?’ he asked with some satisfaction.
‘Yes, I was drunk earlier in the night. I was celebrating with the boys. But I was just plain tired and careless when I lost my wallet. And I’m not drunk now,’ Gabriel said.
Pete hesitated a little. ‘So, if you’re not drunk, you must be just plain stupid to let a perfect stranger into our house and leave him alone...’ he said, his voice trailing off, and then before Gabriel could reply, Pete gestured for him to stop. ‘Wait a sec, I think I’ve finally got this. Yes, I must’ve been stupid to put you and Bobby in danger like that and I’m sorry,’ he said earnestly, even though he was only role-playing. He paused then added, ‘I just didn’t realise.’
‘Well now you do,’ Gabriel said, dropping out of the role-play.
Pete nodded. ‘Hey, wait a minute, you’re not getting off that easily,’ he said. ‘What were you doing at the casino? We agreed to a ban.’
Gabriel didn’t miss a beat. ‘Yes, I was at the casino and it was against our agreement. I’m sorry. But I was too embarrassed to mention the ban to the boys when they said they wanted to go to the casino. I was being sensible and actually winning. But I agree, we should keep to the ban and I’ll avoid situations like that in future.’
‘Crap, I’m not even married to you and I still find it hard to keep attacking,’ Pete conceded. ‘How the hell does that work?’
Gabriel smiled warmly. ‘Like this. When someone is attacking you verbally, there’s usually a grain of truth to what they’re saying, or it seems that way to them. Try to find that grain and start out by agreeing with it. They will end up wearing themselves out. Like you just did. And when that occurs, you can flip them.’
‘That seems all well and good when we’re practising, but what about in the heat of the moment? I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold my temper long enough to find that grain of truth, let alone agree with it,’ P
ete said.
‘The antidepressants should help with controlling your temper. And I’ll teach you a meditation exercise to help you build up the resolve over time so that you can learn to control it yourself. But before I do that, I’d like to ask you to do a few things,’ Gabriel said.
Pete sighed. More homework. ‘OK then, let’s have it.’
‘I would like you to try and have another conversation with Liz about your night out with the boys. It should be easier now you know the rough direction it needs to head in. I’d also like you to start trying to make more meaningful connections with people. You can start by reconnecting with your family, but I would also like you to try and make social connections with your work colleagues.’
‘I guess that means more than just celebrating bonuses with them, right?’ Pete asked.
‘Just hang out with people and find out a little more about them beyond work. It can be as easy as accepting a social invitation when it comes your way rather than making up an excuse about why you can’t go,’ Gabriel explained encouragingly.
‘You know, you’re really loading me up today,’ Pete said.
‘I know all of these things seem hard now, Pete, but they’re an important part of making you better. You see, if you have a social network, it acts like a safety net to catch you when you fall,’ Gabriel explained.
Pete sighed, but then nodded his understanding.
Gabriel put down his clip board. ‘Now for the meditation exercise. Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Start by focusing on your breathing,’ Gabriel said. He stopped talking for a moment and allowed Pete to settle into the exercise. ‘Take in a deep breath and, as you let it out, picture yourself looking at yourself in the mirror and saying the following words, “You deserve to find peace, love and happiness”.’
OK, picture myself giving me a pep talk in the mirror. That’s weirdly transcendental, Pete mused before trying to follow Gabriel’s instructions. And as he did, Pete felt an unfamiliar sense of relief come over him.
Gabriel continued, ‘Now, take in another breath and breathe out while picturing someone you love and care about deeply and say to them, “You deserve to find peace, love and happiness”.’
OK, that’s easy. I’ll picture saying it to Liz and Bobby, Pete thought. This time Pete felt love well up inside him, strengthening his earlier sense of relief.
After another short pause, Gabriel continued to lead Pete through the exercise. ‘Now, repeat the phrase and breathing exercise, but picture someone that you feel neutral about,’ Gabriel guided.
Someone neutral? That’s a bit tough. I generally have strong opinions about most people. Pete thought and then searched his mind. ‘Hmmm, Matt in Commodity Sales.’ As Pete pictured himself saying the words to Matt, his feelings of relief and love persisted.
Gabriel allowed more time to pass between his instructions and then asked Pete, ‘Now take in a deep breath and breathe out slowly while picturing someone that you do not like or have been in conflict with. Say to them, “You deserve to find peace, love and happiness”.’
Shit, Derek the drongo. Pete felt as though he had bitten down on the mental equivalent of a canker sore. His feelings of relief and love were overwhelmed by anger and loathing. Pete’s breathing deepened and his heart rate quickened. He failed to mentally say even one word of the phrase to the imaginary Derek.
Gabriel heard Pete’s breathing change and gently coached him. ‘Try to bring your thoughts back to your breathing and away from that person.’
OK...OK, you failed dismally, Pete mentally chastised himself. Now, focus on your breathing. After a moment, Pete could feel himself begin to calm down.
Gabriel let a minute pass and instructed, ‘Now start to bring your awareness back inside the room.’ He allowed a few more seconds to pass before directing, ‘And slowly open your eyes.’
‘Well, you seemed to be doing OK, but you stumbled at the last hurdle,’ Gabriel said.
‘Yeah, I didn’t even get one word out to the bastard I was thinking of,’ Pete said.
‘Don’t worry, it’s normal for people to struggle to complete the exercise the first time they try it. But, I think you get the point, practise the exercise so that you can eventually say the phrase to all of the people you picture, including the bastards,’ Gabriel added.
Pete let out a long breath and said, ‘I guess that’s another piece of homework?’
‘Think of it more as a long-term project,’ Gabriel answered.
‘Very long-term,’ Pete agreed.
After a moment Gabriel asked, ‘Do Monday nights still work for you?’
‘Yes, they do.’
‘Good, then see you next week.’ Gabriel stood and offered his hand to Pete. As Pete turned to leave, he added, ‘Good luck back at work his week, Pete. I know it will be tough, but I think you’ll do fine.’
‘Thanks. I hope you’re right.’
12
Homework
Liz heard Pete put his keys on the counter near the door and came out into the living room. ‘How did the session go?’ she asked.
‘Good. Better than good actually,’ Pete replied.
‘May I ask why?’ Liz asked cautiously.
Pete kicked off his flip flops and shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘Actually, part of my homework from the session is to discuss it with you. Are we alone?’ Pete asked.
‘Yes, Bobby’s asleep and Wati’s finished for the day and in her room,’ Liz answered and then added with surprise, ‘You get homework?’
‘Yes, from what I can tell so far, cognitive therapy is like school for the mind and you have to practise what you learn,’ Pete explained.
‘And what are you learning?’
‘How to think about and react to situations differently,’ Pete said, then added, ‘And to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings.’
Liz smiled. ‘It sounds like a mix of obedience and EQ training. Do I have to give you a treat after you’ve finished your homework?’
Pete felt a little insulted at first, but he was grateful for Liz lightening the atmosphere between them. ‘Just don’t expect me to sit up and beg for it,’ he replied with a chuckle.
‘OK, let’s sit down,’ Liz suggested as she walked into the living room.
‘The couch, how appropriate,’ Pete quipped as he sat next to Liz.
‘A little nervous?’ Liz asked.
‘Yeah, this is turning out to be harder than I thought, and I haven’t even started yet,’ Pete replied. He paused and took a breath before saying, ‘Liz, I think that we should talk about the night of the casino.’
‘What’s there to talk about? You were a jerk,’ she said.
Pete was hoping for a more gradual start to their verbal clash, but hurriedly repeated to himself, Verbal judo, verbal judo. Quick, find something to agree with and flip her. Then he replied, ‘You’re right, I was a jerk, but I think we need to discuss why I was a jerk.’
Liz’s aggressiveness did not ease up. ‘A jerk’s a jerk, Pete, plain and simple,’ she said.
Crap, this isn’t going well at all, Pete thought. At least she made it a little easier by saying something I can agree with…or can I? He responded, ‘That’s sometimes the case, but not always. And, I’m going to therapy to try and become less of a jerk. So, it would be great if you could help me learn by discussing the problem.’
Liz was a little taken aback by Pete’s unusual combination of assertiveness and vulnerability. After a brief pause, she offered, ‘OK, then. For starters, you came home drunk.’
Pete smiled inwardly; he had managed to get the conversation back on track as he and Gabriel had rehearsed. His confidence grew. ‘You’re right, that would’ve been an irresponsible thing to do. Except I wasn’t drunk, at least not completely. I was earlier in the night when I was celebrating with the boys, but I was about half way to sober by the time I got home.’
Liz hesitated and then asked, ‘So why did I end up having to pay the cab driver? Did you
lose all of your money at the casino and couldn’t find an ATM on the way home?’
‘I can see how you’d think that,’ Pete began, as his confidence grew further, ‘but I was actually winning at the casino. I lost my wallet on the way home. Probably as I was getting into the cab. I was tired and careless.’
Liz’s anger began to fade. This was the furthest they had ever got in their conversations about that night. ‘What were you doing in the casino anyway? We agreed to a ban,’ Liz said, her anger flaring again.
A little out of order, but heading in the right direction for a flip, Pete thought, before replying, ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. But I was too embarrassed to tell the boys about the ban when they asked me to go. I’ll keep to the ban from here on in and avoid such situations in future to head off any temptation.’
Liz blinked then added, ‘OK, but none of this makes up for the cab driver in our living room smoking a cigarette.’
OK, she’s getting tired, time to flip her, Pete thought to himself. ‘Yes, it was stupid to put you and Bobby in danger like that and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. From—’
‘Yes, you were stupid,’ Liz interrupted. ‘So now you’re going to make it up to me and Bobby,’ she declared.
It was now Pete’s turn to be stunned. ‘I’ve apologised, and this is how you accept an apology? By asking for payback? No wonder I find it difficult to apologise,’ Pete replied, annoyed.
‘I can see how you would think that, but this is about you demonstrating you’re serious about changing your ways,’ Liz replied calmly.
‘I’m going to therapy, aren’t I? Isn’t that enough of a demonstration that I’m trying to change? Hell, isn’t this conversation a sign that I’m trying?’ Pete said, frustrated.
Liz remained calm. ‘You’re right, that is a good sign and I’m very glad and impressed that you’re embracing your therapy. But, don’t you think you need to go beyond just doing homework?’ she asked.
Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression Page 6