‘Yeah, Pete, have a good one. And say happy birthday to Liz for me,’ Johnno said.
‘Same here,’ Luke added.
‘Will do guys,’ Pete replied.
Neil heard their exchange and stood up to look across at Pete. ‘Pete, you’re not leaving now, are you?’
‘Yes, Neil, I am,’ Pete said.
‘But Nick’s not here and I really think we could win more business if clients knew that a senior trader in Asia is making prices tonight, especially when China’s central bank has just cut rates for the first time in two years. I know Nigel in London would be appreciative,’ Neil said.
‘Neil, I think that Asia’s seen most of the business it’s going to from tonight’s news. London and New York can handle it from here,’ Pete replied calmly. ‘And if you or Nigel feel a desperate need to quote prices out of Asia, Johnno and Luke are staying back to manage their positions and will be happy to help you out. Won’t you boys?’ he added, glancing at Johnno and Luke, who nodded in reply.
‘But we can’t rely on junior traders to make prices and win business in this sort of volatility, especially if we’re plugging a sell Euro–Aussie trade and they have to cross two spreads,’ Neil said contemptuously.
Out of the corner of his eye, Pete saw Luke and Johnno shaking their heads in frustration. Pete felt a flicker of anger and took in a breath. He released it slowly and pictured his anger leaving his body along with the air. ‘Neil, Johnno and Luke can make prices just as well as I can. I know because I trained them,’ Pete retorted.
‘How could you’ve trained them when you’re hardly ever here?’ Neil said under his breath, but just loudly enough so Pete could hear.
Pete’s anger levels spiked and he looked about the trading floor to see the few people still at work had turned their attention to his exchange with Neil. He knew he had to get his temper under control before he replied to Neil’s taunt.
Pete took in a breath to try and cool his anger but felt only a whiff of cool air where there used to be a gust. He felt a flicker of panic and quickly switched to an internal verbal judo exercise. I have been leaving work a little earlier and ducking away from my desk to meditate and help manage my stress while coming down off antidepressants. So, while he’s grossly exaggerating, Neil does have a point. But he’s still being a dick, especially to Johnno and Luke.
Pete let out the breath and began to speak to Neil in a firm, but polite tone. ‘Neil, Johnno and Luke are sitting right here, so I would like you to show them some respect. After all, they’re staying back on a Friday night and are willing to make prices for you and your team. And as for me, today’s my wife’s birthday and I’m going to host her party, because the bank doesn’t pay me enough to afford alimony. So, good night.’
Pete patted Johnno and Luke on the shoulders and walked towards the door. Neil stood watching him leave, quietly shaking his head.
Pete sat at a table in Forlino with Liz and ten of her closest friends. There was a mixture of locals and expats, couples and singles, women from the gym and mothers from Bobby’s school. It was a joyful group and while some of them had met for the first time tonight, everyone seemed to be getting along well. The food and drink were excellent, and the gathering was enjoying the view out over the Merlion and across Marina Bay to the Esplanade.
Yes, everything is going very well, Pete thought. And now it’s time to make a toast. He subtly signalled their waiter, who knew what to do and then cleared his throat loudly. ‘Excuse me everybody, I would like to make a toast to the birthday girl,’ Pete said, holding up his champagne flute. The table fell silent.
‘If you knew Liz’s Chinese zodiac sign, you could guess her age,’ Pete said, smiling, then whispered, ‘I’ll give you a hint, it’s fierce,’ and the table chuckled as Liz playfully slapped Pete on the shoulder. He continued, ‘Liz is fierce, but in a good way. She is fierce in protecting her family, her values and the hearts of the people she cares about. So, I feel very lucky and proud to call her my wife and friend. I love you, Liz. Happy birthday.’
‘Happy birthday,’ the table chorused, and drank from their glasses. Pete and Liz shared a brief kiss.
The waiter brought out a simple, but very rich-looking chocolate cake with a burning sparkler in its centre and the words ‘Happy Birthday Liz’ written in white frosting across it. The table broke into ‘Happy Birthday’ while Pete leaned towards Liz and whispered in her ear, ‘Try blowing that out!’
Liz smiled and replied, ‘I’d like to think that it will never go out,’ and kissed Pete on the cheek.
41
Conversations
Pete was sitting on a hotel bed with his legs straight out in front of him and his hands resting in his lap. The door to the balcony was open and letting in a gentle breeze, and Pete could see out to the ocean. He sat for a minute admiring the sight of the blistering Thai sun touching the water and beginning to draw down a crimson curtain on the day.
Pete closed his eyes and thought, Yes, Phuket is as good a place as any to meditate, as he prepared to practise a mindfulness exercise he had learned about from Gabriel’s assigned reading. The exercise involved bringing forward a negative emotion and staying focused on it until it dissipated, the idea being that you learned to allow the destructive emotion to pass rather than take root and affect your behaviour towards yourself and others.
Pete started by bringing forward the negative emotion he felt the most, anger. He pictured his most recent standoff with Neil on the trading floor and felt about for it in his body. That’s weird, he thought, You’re not quite what I expected. I thought you’d be some sort of red-hot flame in my gut. Instead, you’re like a bright burning sun in my brain.
Taking in a long, slow breath and then letting it out even more slowly, Pete kept his focus on the sun. He tried to relax his mind around the anger and it began to dim. Pete then forgave himself for feeling the anger and the sun gradually began to move towards an imaginary horizon. Finally, rather than resisting the emotion, Pete allowed it to flow through his mind and the sun descended rapidly and set.
Pete rested for a few minutes by focusing on his breathing and allowed positive thoughts to fill the void left by the anger that had been washed away. He then brought forward his next negative emotion, fear. Pete pictured himself losing Bobby in a crowded shopping mall and again felt around his body for the emotion. Hmmm, you’re not what I expected either. You feel like you’re everywhere, like some sort of spiny viral cells, he imagined, investigating the feeling.
Pete pictured the cells throughout his body and tried to relax his muscles, which to his surprise had become tense. Cell by cell, the fear began to disappear and as Pete understood the emotion more, the cells began to die off more quickly. To purge his body of the remaining cells, Pete allowed the fear to wash through and out of his body.
Pete then cycled through a series of deep breaths, steeling himself to move onto his most threatening and destructive emotion, sadness. He pictured losing Liz and Bobby. It was easy to find you, you’re around my heart. But again, you’re not what I expected. You’re like a dark and suffocating shroud, Pete thought.
Pete focused on his heart and tried to make it relax as he began gradually peeling back the shroud. Then all of a sudden, Pete thought he heard a hissing growl as if he had disturbed a hibernating beast. What the…?! Pete felt a shudder of fear ripple through his body.
For a few seconds Pete panicked, not knowing which emotion to focus on, before he remembered they were not real and that he was only imagining them. He opened his eyes and, despite knowing the emotions were not real, Pete felt their physical side effects. His heart rate was higher, and he could feel beads of cold sweat forming across his back and down his spine.
Pete closed his eyes and refocused on his breathing. He pictured Robert and Liz smiling at him and began filling his heart with love and happiness; pushing out the fear and sadness. Pete then allowed his love and happiness to expand and fill his body before slowly make their way down
his limbs to the peripherals of his body. He then felt it fill his mind like a soothing balm; his slack facial muscles tightening in the small effort needed to form a smile. Pete sat there bathing in the warm glow of his love and happiness.
Bobby crept into the room and stood at the foot of the bed, quietly observing Pete, then crawled cat-like onto the bed and around Pete’s legs until he was just in front of Pete’s face. He craned his neck at different angles to look curiously at Pete. Finally, he gently poked his father’s nose.
The smile on Pete’s face broadened and he opened his eyes. ‘Hello there Bobby,’ he said calmly. ‘Is there something I can help you with?’
Bobby sat back on his knees. ‘Daddy, were you sleeping?’ he asked curiously.
‘No, I was meditating,’ Pete replied.
‘What’s meditating?’ Bobby said, slowly pronouncing his new word.
‘Hmmm, that’s difficult to explain Bobby.’ Pete thought for a few seconds and then continued, ‘It’s like practising thinking.’
‘Why do you have to practise thinking?’ Bobby asked, touching the side of his head with one hand.
Pete smile. ‘You know how sometimes you think things are unfair when mummy or I won’t let you have ice cream before dinner and you get sad and angry?’
Robert nodded. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to let go of those feelings and they stay inside of you where they can make you sick,’ Pete added while touching his chest.
‘How can your feelings make you sick?
‘Do you feel good if you stay mad at mummy or me or when you’re sad?’
‘No.’
‘So if you keep feeling that way you won’t want to eat or go outside and play with your friends and do the things that would make you feel better.’
‘When I get angry I go to my room to read or play Lego so I can calm down. So I guess meditating is like that,’ Robert postulated.
‘Sounds about right,’ Pete agreed with a smile. ‘What did you come in here for anyway, buddy?’
‘Mummy said that it’s time for dinner,’ Bobby said.
Pete noticed that the room was nearly dark. ‘Yes, it is, so we’d better not keep her waiting,’ Pete said, climbing down off the bed. Bobby quickly followed Pete and grabbed his hand. Pete looked down at his son and gave his hand a squeeze and Bobby smiled up at him with a blissful smile that reminded him of Liz.
Late at night, as Bobby slept and there were echoes of Auld Lang Syne throughout the hotel, Pete stood hugging Liz on their balcony as they overlooked a glassy ocean reflecting the moon.
‘Any New Year’s resolutions?’ Liz asked.
‘Every day I’m going to try and remember who I am and who I want to be,’ Pete replied.
42
Stepping into the storm
Pete looked at his watch and smiled as the door to the MRT carriage closed. ‘Five-thirty. Plenty of time to get home, change and take Liz out to dinner. Maybe she’ll even let me have a little wine, which is probably the only way I’ll be able to sit through a musical about cats,’ Pete mused.
The train began to accelerate, and Pete asked himself, Why cats? All they do is lie around all day doing nothing. Sure, if you let them go hungry for a while they’ll catch a rat or two, but that’s it. Now dogs, they’re loyal and dependable. They’ll happily round up livestock or scare up a rabbit so it can be dispatched with a twenty two. He smiled to himself as he recalled a dog he had had while growing up.
Suddenly, Pete’s iPhone buzzed and interrupted his musings. Must be Liz checking that I’ve left work, Pete thought as he reached into his pocket. Johnno?! He began to worry as he answered the call.
‘Pete, you’re not going to believe this, the Swiss National Bank just ditched its peg without any warning,’ Johnno said in a panicky voice before Pete could even say hello.
Pete’s heart rate jumped. ‘You’re bloody kidding, right?’ he asked in disbelief.
‘Wish I was. But one minute we’re just above the one twenty peg in Euro–Swiss, and then the next the SNB makes the announcement that it’s abandoning the peg, and we’re below parity. And, it’s still falling,’ Johnno added.
‘How’s the Desk?’ Pete asked with dread.
‘Bad, Pete, really bad,’ Johnno said guiltily.
Nick’s in London looking at schools for his kids, so it’s time to step up Pete, Pete thought to himself. ‘It’s OK, Johnno,’ Pete said reassuringly. ‘I’ll be back in ten minutes. In the meantime, just tell everyone we’re not quoting in Euro or Swiss for the next half hour and until we get our books straightened out,’ Pete directed.
‘OK. I don’t think anyone’s doing anything anyway. We’re all still in shock,’ Johnno said.
‘Me too mate. See you in ten,’ Pete said and ended the call as the train came to a stop at City Hall MRT station. He raced onto the platform and spotted a train pulling in on the opposite side that would take him back to Raffles Place and ran to catch it.
Once he was on the train, Pete hurriedly called Liz. ‘Hi Pete. Calling me to tell me you’re running a little late?’ Liz asked.
‘I wish it were just that Liz. But an emergency’s come up at work,’ Pete said.
‘What’s going on?’ Liz asked, concerned.
‘The SNB just dumped their Euro–Swiss peg without any warning. The thing’s been in place for nearly four years, so it’s caught the market by surprise. Euro–Swiss fell by twenty per cent in a few minutes and the Desk’s taken a big hit. So, I really need to go back in to work to sort things out. I’m really sorry,’ Pete said sincerely.
There was a short pause before Liz said, ‘Pete, this isn’t 2008 all over again, is it?’
‘At this stage I don’t really know, Liz, I’ll let you know when I find out more.’
‘OK, well don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll leave your ticket at the theatre box office, just in case you manage to make it over,’ Liz replied and then asked, ‘What’re you going to do for dinner?’
‘I hadn’t really thought about it,’ Pete said.
‘I’ll get Wati to whip you up some soba noodles and I’ll bring them in,’ Liz offered.
Despite his panic, Pete managed a smile. ‘Thanks, Liz, that’d be really great. And, sorry again for bailing on you.’
‘You don’t have to apologise. I know it’s a big deal. But, it’s good to hear you say that anyway. Good luck,’ Liz added.
‘Thanks Liz, and I love you,’ Pete said, ending the call. He then rocked back and forth on his heels as he waited for the train to pull into Raffles Place. The doors opened and Pete was off and running, back to work.
Pete stood at the edge of the trading floor. A group of a dozen people made up of traders and salespeople were standing and yelling at each other. They were too busy arguing to notice Pete, so he took the opportunity for some deep breathing to try to calm down. The smell of sweat filled his nostrils and triggered a memory from the day the Crisis wave broke upon the markets. Back then, the smell of fear had spread like a noxious gas across the trading floors throughout the world and led to mass panic. Pete knew he had to prevent that from happening again on his trading floor, starting with himself. He took in another deep breath and closed his eyes, visualising himself struggling to walk while carrying two heavy brown leather travel bags. One of the bags was old and warn, the other shiny and new. He then imagined stopping and peering down into the older bag. It contained his past mistakes and regrets. Pete then envisioned himself letting the bag drop, it hitting the ground with a loud and hollow thud and kicking up a cloud of dust.
He then saw himself slowly turning to look inside the newer, shinier bag. It contained his potential future disappointments and mistakes, including the ones he could make in the next half an hour that would determine the course of his career. Pete then visualised dropping this bag and it landing with another loud and hollow thud, giving off a whiff of new leather.
Pete then imagined himself striding forward unencumbered by the heavy bags, and slowly opened his
eyes. He looked at the trading floor, smiled confidently and stepped into the storm.
43
Catching Cats
‘OK everybody, let’s calm down. We won’t get anything done by yelling at each other,’ Pete said with authority.
The salespeople and traders fell silent and turned to look at Pete. ‘Thank you,’ he said, once he had their attention.
‘Johnno. You have the Euro book. Talk to me.’
‘Some algorithmic traders sold me a bunch of Euro–Swiss just above the one twenty peg and right before the SNB made the announcement. Then there was no liquidity, so I was stuck with them when it collapsed.’ Johnno paused to gather his courage and continued, ‘So we’re down about two hundred grand. I’m really sorry Pete,’ he added with a sigh.
‘Bloody algos. They probably caused the collapse. Bastards should be banned, or at least regulated like we are,’ Pete said, thinking aloud, then asked, ‘And what’s liquidity like now?’
‘Still pretty bad. Most banks are still not quoting Euro–Swiss or Dollar–Swiss, but just about everyone’s back quoting Euro–Dollar,’ Johnno replied.
‘Right then. If anyone wants a quote in Euro–Swiss or Dollar–Swiss, the spread’s fifteen points wide,’ Pete announced to the groan of the salespeople.
‘How are we supposed to convince clients to deal with us at that spread?’ Neil complained.
Pete took a breath and looked calmly at Neil. ‘Well, Neil, I would say to clients that they can either get out of their positions now with us or wait for other banks to start quoting Euro–Swiss and Dollar–Swiss and risk having the market move further against them. But that’s me and I’m not the Head of Sales, but I believe you are,’ Pete admonished Neil, using his own words from nearly a year ago.
Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression Page 20