In the spare room I clear out some of Cash’s stuff and load my car and drive to the thrift store. Donations go to the women who are victims of abuse and that makes today just a bonus. Instead of buying new furniture, I find a used desk, chairs and shelving.
I don’t have a truck or muscle, so I call Tank and ask him if he can pick up my stuff from the thrift store and deliver it for me. He laughed at me, “I’m always down to ditch work early. I’ll be there in a few, lil’ T. Head home. I’ll meet you there.”
Jumping back into my car, I blast the radio and roll down the window. The whole way home I sing my heart out and release the tension the has consumed my thoughts. Wanting and needing better has been a priority. I’m set on finding a man that won’t go and bone a stripper at every obstacle in life.
Yes, I need the passion. But most importantly, I need him to see me. Love can’t be bought, and it can’t be sold. I may have some money tucked away from that diamond. I’m not using it to live like a millionaire, but to live rich.
Parking my car in the driveway, I run inside and start making more room for the furniture. Too anxious to wait and I pop open the laptop on the kitchen table. Browsing the internet, I find videos and buy a few programs. I’m deeply engrossed in what I am learning that I am startled when the truck’s door slams shut.
Quickly, I shut down the top and race to the door. Holding it open as Tank, Blade, and a few prospects start to unload and then carry it in.
Tank looks at the furniture then to me and asks, “I could have bought you new furniture if you told me you needed it.” He shoulders past me angling the desk to carry it through the door.
“It’s okay. I just saw it there and I needed a desk.” I stumble and Blade huffs next to me as he passes through, holding back a laugh. I could afford a big fancy desk if I wanted, but I don’t. I want to help, and I left a nice tip for those ladies.
After the last piece is brought in, I go into the room and ask them to move the desk to face the room instead of facing the wall.
“T, that doesn’t make sense, the desk should go against the wall.” Tank complains.
“Don’t touch it.” I place both hands firmly down on top of it. “I can see the room and see outside too. When Cash is in here, I can keep an eye on him. I’ll be spending a lot of time in here and I want to see the window.”
Tank saunters forward, “Why will you be in here for a long time on a computer? You aren’t into some kind of online kink, are you?”
“God, no. I’m starting a legitimate online business.”
“Of?” he prompts, not letting it go.
Blade and the prospects stay, and their heads bounce between us both.
Sighing, “Fine, it will be for women who go online and forge chat groups to talk about their problems.”
“You couldn’t pay me for that shit.” Tank knocks his knuckles on the desk, “Looks like I’m done here, got to check on the garage before I head home.”
He leaves and Blade winks, not fooled one bit by my story, and leaves me alone. I’m going to text Kat and ask her to put up a firewall against Spider. I know these nosy guys and I don’t need them in my business. If I warn Kat, I hope, she can keep them out of my business just for a little while at least.
The day passed by quickly and I made a long list of things that I need to start doing. I’m running ideas through my head just as the front door opens and shuts. Instantly I hear Cash call out ‘momma’ and I holler out, “Kitchen, baby boy.”
His excited little feet pound on the hardwood flooring down the hallway. Smiling, I pick up my dinner plate from the sink and bend over to place it into the dishwasher. Cash comes racing into the room and I stand to turn towards him.
I freeze and my breathing locks up when I see Pawn’s handsome face staring at me from the entryway. Cash runs into my legs and I bend over to pick him up and hug him to me like a safety blanket. Clenching my eyes shut I kiss his chubby cheek and whisper, “You ready for a bath?” Pushing past the agony, I exhale. Quickly, I walk past Pawn and whisper “thank you” on my way to the bathroom.
Just seeing him stand there, his presence makes me feel less than a mother and a woman. I let him impact my thoughts about myself and I hate that I run to protection mode. The things he has said, me not being Cash’s mother and sleeping with other men like some club whore, cut me deep. I’m not ready or feel strong enough to fight him today. God, not today.
In the bathroom, I get busy, and I start the water. The noise along with Cash’s squeals drown out the chaos in my head and heart and give him a bath. I concentrate on him and push away the pain that wants to wrestle me down to floor.
Why? I ask myself when those small whispers sneak in. Why did he have to push me away so much? At times, I think we have love, and then he finds a way to make the pain more real than any love in the world.
Cash soothes the hard times, like now. He’s washed and, in a towel, I take him into his room and dress him for bed. Normally, I can lay him down in his bed and he falls asleep but tonight I need him. Wrapping him in a small blanket I cradle him in my arms, resting in my lap and I rock him to sleep. Humming and brushing his soft hair with my fingers until he is asleep. I reassure myself that he is mine. I am a good mother.
Gently, I place him in his bed and cover him with the blanket instead. Leaving his nightlight on I stand at the door and watch over him. His tiny exhales barely lift enough to be seen. The world starts to right and I believe in me. I can relax and have faith in who I am. I feel it warming me from the inside out. My hand rests on the doorframe and I drop my head to the left, resting it on the frame. He is my life now. Cash is mine, I know this deep in my bones.
“Hey.” A deep male’s voice startles me and a heavy hand rests on my shoulder. I jump and my heart rate packs a punch to me hard. The drastic change steals away any calm I just had. I stay glued to the spot because I know this man, God, do I know this man. I was counting on him being gone.
“Can we talk a minute?” he rasps into the darkness, hitting the core of me effortlessly. Pawn’s hand squeezes my shoulder and I want to fall to the floor. His touch is my undoing. Pawn’s whispered words of kindness are my kryptonite. How can you love a man that doesn’t love you?
It breaks something inside me. I can’t do this anymore. This pull back and forth will only end up hurting Cash and I can’t do that to him. I push off the door and lead us to the front porch where the night air does little to calm my nerves.
I sit in the swing like we did when he brought us food and beer all those months ago with apologies and promises. The sting pierces my lungs at the memory of what else we did that night. The intimacy we had being naked and exposed to each other. Except I don’t think he has ever been so transparent with me and I see it now. Almost lover’s, but not quite.
Hanging my head, I will myself to keep the emotions at bay and to be stronger than him. His weight pushes us back and we swing when he sits down next to me. We don’t say anything because there has just been so much hurt between us. You can feel the mountain that separates us now.
The sorrow hangs heavy and unforgiving in the air and catches our hearts in the mix not willing to let us go. We are captured between our mistakes, forgiveness, and our future.
“I want things to be so much better. I want to be better,” a choked-up Pawn starts to explain. “I had my doubts of who I was before, and I hurt you. I can’t say how sorry I am for the things I have done to you.” I can tell he wants to touch my hand by the way he moved his back when he lifted it.
“There are many things that I can forgive,” I start and pause, looking for all the right words. “I am not perfect and have made my own mistakes, but Pawn, there is one thing that I will never be okay with.” I turn my head and I stare directly into his eyes. “Cash is my baby. I held him, fed and cared for him seconds after he was born. I’ve been his mother since day one. If you ever hold that over my head again, I promise you, you’ll cease to exist for me.” My voice cracks at the raw
ness of those words. As much as it would destroy any chance for us, I won’t allow him to take my baby away from me. Not ever.
Pawn’s eyes shimmer with what I could assume was a tear. “You’re right. I was wrong to say those things to you.” He looks down to the porch and hangs his head, resting his body on his forearms on his legs. “I don’t have all the right words today. I am going to show you that I can be Cash’s father. I don’t want you to yell at me like you did at the clubhouse. I taunted you to give me a reaction, and that was wrong.”
“You may have done that. But it’s not an excuse for me. How did you think I would react after what we did, Pawn, and then you leave to get high and laid? I’m not going to be your part-time girl. It’s better if we forget that happened and concentrate on Cash.” Because I can’t even think about it without wanting to throw my fists in his chest and beg him to take back something that can never be undone. My body hums between somewhere of anger to sadness. It’s a deadly combination and I walk a fine line of keeping my words and reactions in check.
Pawn
I look at her and see the damage I have done. All the reasons I would tell myself to leave. The doubt starts crawling in like the devil telling me lies. Pushing them away, I promised myself to be better. I have to take her pain and give her time to heal for what I have done but she’s wrong about one thing. “I never slept with Topaz or any other stripper that day.”
“Stop,” she begs, “I can’t keep going around and around. Pawn, we’ve never been exclusive to each other. It’s none of my business-”
“Tami,” I interrupt her rant, “I haven’t slept with another woman, kissed another woman since you.”
Her hand comes up to her throat, and she shakes her head back and forth, not willing to believe the truth today, but she will. My body craves her touch, the softness of her skin, the scent of her.
“Come here, angel, please.” This time I beg.
Tami’s soft sob gets caught in her throat and the tears roll down her beautiful face. Gently, I cup her face in my hands and kiss the pain away. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“You left me when you promised me you would never.” Her hands grip my shoulders. My cut she grasps onto with all her strength. “How many times are we going to say goodbye? Every time it gets harder.” Tami exhales and swats my hands away from her face, “You left me, and I was alone and had Cash. I wanted to die, and you weren’t there to even talk to. You never asked about him or me. Nothing!” She screams and cries through it all and I let her beat my chest with her tiny fists.
I’ll take it all, the only person on this earth that can. I’ll allow her attack against me because her love, her heart, I abused. She starts to tire, and I grip her wrist at the middle of my chest above my heart. “It will never be goodbye with us, Tami, you are in my blood, laced with love. I’m going to do better.”
I don’t promise and make guarantees, I’m going to show her and win her back, where she’s always belonged. There is no alternative for me. I’ve lived in darkness and she is the light. Everything in me is addicted to her without her there is nothing. “The letters and pictures Solo brought me, I could only tolerate to look at the pictures. I was in a fucked-up place Tami and I wasn’t ready to read your words yet, because that is how much you meant to me.”
“I’m so tired.” She chokes and pulls to get away from me, but I won’t let her go, not yet.
Tugging her to me and bring her up to sit on my lap draping her legs to the side. “I didn’t give up on us. I kept the letters that you sent me, and I read them. I’m sorry Angel, you were alone and hurting. I didn’t give you what you needed. My love.” My arms wrap her up and her head falls to my shoulder. Her submission telling me everything. She needs me, to give her myself and love. I get the intimacy Tami needs on a level I never did before because I need it too, I’m not afraid anymore.
“Go to sleep. I’ll hold you awhile and take you to your bed.” Even though it will destroy me to leave her alone. I take my time and hold on to her trying to reconnect anything I can. It is selfish what I am doing, but I fucking need her like I need my next hit.
I know I can be a better man. A hundred percent sober, I know will never happen. I just hope that’s enough for her. Laced with her love and lust I can do it. Tami’s breathing slows and I take my time thinking about tomorrow and the next day. Something I have never done. With them my whole world fades to just us.
Who knows how long I sit here, but eventually I get up and carry her to her bed and lay her on top of the comforter, pulling the blanket on the very end over her body. Bending forward, I kiss her temple and whisper, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
We’ll never say goodbye. I’m here and I’m taking her and Cash along this ride with me. I’ll show them, what a family is, and work every day to make their dreams come true.
Chapter 24
Tami
His arms are my home. Last night I needed to feel him. I craved to feel the warmth of love. Even if Pawn doesn’t love me, I needed to feel a connection to someone. He doesn’t realize how much I’ve hidden away my feelings to protect myself from him. Last night is proof of how I will crumble for him. My heart will submit, and I know I hid away from him before because of it. I used Solo as a shield.
Pacing along the floor of my empty room the morning after, thoughts and feelings swirl around in a potent cocktail and I can’t seem to calm the guilt or pain that chases closely behind. I throw a hoody on over my PJs and bolt into my new office.
Turning on the computer, I pull up the last doc titled, Hiding our Hearts. I sip my coffee and turn on the music connected to my phone’s playlists and close my eyes. I think about the words that target the war going on inside and I begin to type the words.
Dawn hits the curtains and I obsessively type for hours. My ideas come faster than my fingers can type out the words strung along into a melody of a sad love song. My heart lies along these pages. It is everything. It is me.
I find my way, word by word. It’s beautifully broken.
Embracing it all, I accept the fate of these words because there is no other way to release the tragedy that has become my life. I don’t stop until everything has been drained and I find some peace for now.
I type the very last word and then hit, period. My fingers still and only then do I release a breath from deep inside. Slow and steady, I accept my feelings. The past, and the questions all become silent.
Faith.
I repeat the word over and over and it becomes clear to me. I’ve had none, and that needs to stop. More than ever I need this, and I crave it. I want that with all the other words, love, strength and trust.
More than ever, I now understand Pawn better and it shatters my belief of him. He is like me and I was scared. I could see the broken and abused in him. Pawn needed someone to be his home too, and I wasn’t strong enough to give that to him before. Solo was his back up in life, just like in mine. He kept both our fears at bay and protected us. I didn’t understand, and now, holy shit, where does that leave us?
With everything that has been broken, can I be the woman that he needs, his home? Strong enough to face the dark and not run when it gets rough. I have to be for Cash, but that is easy, he has to need me. But loving someone unconditionally, even when they may not love you back, is scary for a girl that grew up having nothing, it is dangerous.
To have faith in myself to stare down the possibility of being alone, with no love and be happy because I love myself, takes strength and faith. I think about Vegas and how she packed her life up into a car and left to start over because she deserved more. Putting everything she had in her bar, and if she lost it all, so what? What she did, taught me to always have faith in yourself. If one avenue doesn’t work out, there is always another.
Jenn faced the men in her life and told them she hated them. She fought an addiction and killed her rapist to push away the broken pieces of her heart and heal. From her, I learned it is never too late to start over and fight
for what you want.
Kat faced the cartel and her husband. She fought to save her son and could have died doing so. Kat almost pushed Tank out of her life to sacrifice her love for what was right. To protect her son at all costs. Selfless. Everything she does is to protect those she loves.
I want to say that they are fearless, but that is not true, they were terrified. The difference is they have faith and trust in themselves. This whole time I have been blaming Pawn for his shortcomings, but it is time I look at my own. Face the truth of why I have feared opening myself up and face them. These women above all are resilient.
It’s startling to see yourself in a different light. I can’t lie, it’s not just Pawn that has hurt me. I have done my fair share. More than him, I need to forgive myself and do better. I want better for myself. Let it all fall where it may and be okay with the fact it may hurt, but I did it right.
I hid Solo’s letter in my desk, and I take it out and read over his words again. Today, they speak louder to me. He believed in us, the better versions of us that we could never see, Pawn and me. Now, I see me too. The girl to the woman I want to be and that is the key. I believe in me for the first time in my life. I trust me.
The only hurdle I face is, do I believe that Pawn hasn’t slept with these women like he says. Can I let it go? The best thing I can do is start over. Work on myself for now. Do the things that make me happy. Find me first. See where the pieces fall in this life and trust that in the end, I am enough. More than enough.
Pawn
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do last night, leave Tami and Cash in that house alone. Their safety has pressed hard into my soul and now I get it. This must be the feeling that the men before me had with their woman when claiming them, giving them their brand and protection. There is pride that I feel that has been sparked. I am that man that will kill for them. They are mine.
Loving You Forever (Battle Born MC Book 7) Page 12