Wilderness Untamed

by Butler, J. M.

  It troubled him. A lot of things did. The fact that Sinara and the other Neyeb council members hadn't noticed the mind shade inside Amelia, eating through her mind and inflicting torment on her, that was hard to reconcile. Mind shades were challenging for non-Neyeb to spot, but that Council had had some of the most talented and skilled Neyeb who had ever lived. For no one to notice that…

  Not that he needed to be thinking of that rather than what Rasha had said.

  "I took a picture of it so that we can start comparing it. But if it is growing, I don't know what else to do."

  "Once the bond is stronger, we could try cutting your foot off and then healing it."

  She pulled her foot free and gave him a perturbed look.

  "It's a valid form of medicine, veskaro. And it wouldn't hurt long. I'd heal you immediately. There's no phantom pain with a clean cut and an immediate healing."

  She shook her head. "No, Naatos. You are not chopping off my foot. My word." The laughter that followed suggested she wasn't really annoyed at him.

  Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. But if any veining started or other indicators that it was potentially spreading into a larger issue, that might be their only option.

  "WroOth's going to be all right?" She glanced at the hammock.

  "This happens from time to time. I didn't realize he was so close to breaking though. Rasha baited him on more than one occasion, but it never landed that deeply."

  "What she said was horrible." She hugged herself tighter. "He didn't deserve that."

  It almost made him smile to hear that protective anger in her voice. "WroOth will recover." There'd likely be a great deal of kuvaste along with intense discussions. But, as far as WroOth's breaks went, this wasn't even close to one of the worst. "It will be a long day tomorrow. I know you think that if you're up past the middle of the night you should stay up the rest of the way, but I don't advise it. And if you're worried that they're going to come for you, whoever they are, I promise I won't let that happen."

  She shook her head, her forehead still wrinkled with concern as she chewed on her lower lip. "We don't even know who they are. And Rasha might be right. You might need to just let them—"

  "No." He glared at her. How could she even think that?

  She returned the glare. "I'm just saying that we need to be smart about this."

  "Smart about this involves you not being taken. And if you even let it get into that head of yours that you're going to sacrifice yourself, I will lock you in a box."

  She set her hands on her waist. "I can get out of whatever box you put me in. And whatever box they put me in too for that matter."

  His muscles tightened, tension radiating through him. They were going to try to take her from him. Take her with the only purpose being to hurt her. And she was so easy to hurt. Memories of her on that dungeon floor when he couldn't reach her, couldn't help her, blood pouring down her body, her back shredded. He'd barely kept himself together. Mostly from sheer denial that she could die. Especially at the hands of anyone so incompetent.

  But the Okalu… what they'd done to Mara and the children, the fact that they had captured Rasha and Nydas. What had she said the mind shade called her? Paper girl? Tissue girl? So easy to set ablaze.

  Rasha had announced that the purpose with each had been different. And Amelia's purpose was to bring fear.

  They'd already succeeded. The thought of losing her at all chilled him. She'd darted the line from death to life too many times already. Sometimes it felt as if she was there to make a mockery of his ever thinking he could protect her. Except he could. And he would. And her attackers would die. Painfully. Whoever they were.

  "Maybe I could learn just the basics of soul ripping without waking the Ki Valo Nakar. AaQar said it wouldn't count as killing and that a lot of Neyeb mastered that skill. I found some sections in the books. There's enough for me to get started."

  He blinked, startled at this divergence. "No. Absolutely not."

  She continued on as if she hadn't heard him. "Maybe I have the Ki Valo Nakar for a reason."

  "Amelia, no." Grasping her arm, he stepped back in front of her.

  Her eyes cut up at him, flashing with that determination he had seen so often before. "I don't believe you have any say over what I do with my mind. Or my body."

  "Less than a week ago, you were terrified of becoming a monster. You didn't want to kill anyone. What are you even thinking, woman?"

  Tugging free, she folded her arms. "I don't know. I guess I'm just at odds. I want to be safe, but I also don't want to be protected or patronized. I want to make a difference, but I don't want to fail. I want to use my skills, but I don't want to be a monster. But if this Okalu sends forces for me and rips me through a blood portal, I want to be ready. I know how to get ready in theory. I spent years getting ready for you."

  "You are resourceful and relentless, but the only reasons I did not kill you where you stood were because you are a Neyeb and because I liked something about you."

  "And the Okalu won't kill me where I stand because the Okalu wants to torture me to hurt you. And maybe I'm not like Rasha and capable of separating my body and my mind from pain. Not yet at least. But we have time. And I can handle being tortured for a while. More importantly, I want to be ready to fight back when they take me."

  "Stop saying when."

  She met his gaze, her full lips pressed in a tight line. "WroOth wants to teach me more about flying and falling. If there is anything else you think I should learn, I am willing to consider it. But I am not going to assume the best and leave all of this to you and your brothers."

  "He's going to throw you off a cliff," Naatos said dryly. "That's what he's talking about. It's how Vawtrians learn."

  She didn't appear even a little surprised. "Will it help me be a better fighter?"

  "It is not a bad skill for you to learn. Especially where we are—"

  "Then I'm going to do it." She shook her head. "Besides, I already promised him. And the solution is not going to be to withdraw or hide. If these people hate you three enough to destroy Mara and Rasha and all of the children, then there is no way that they are stopping."

  "I'm not suggesting we do."

  "Keep your voice down. There are people sleeping."

  AaQar pushed himself out of the trench. "Don't trouble yourself with that; he never does. I have the watch now."

  Ignoring his brother, he scowled at her. "They took down Rasha. You do not have a prayer."

  "Rasha and I are very different, and we at least know what's coming this time." She tilted her head. "More or less. That something is coming. Something bad."

  "You do not play with the Ki Valo Nakar or anything close to that. Do you understand that it is a soul eater? I watched it corrupt and destroy multiple Neyeb. It consumed them. From the inside out. This is not something you play with, veskaro! And it's definitely not something you get attached to or ask to help you. It is evil."

  "What if that's the only way to stop it? They take me to this infinite prison Rasha described, and I rip out their souls. Maybe the Ki Valo Nakar takes over. And then—" She had gone pale, but she kept her spine straight and her shoulders squared. "Someone stops me. Victory. Yay."

  "I threatened to seal AaQar in a stone if he didn't stop trying to destroy himself. I'll do the exact same thing to you."

  "Oh no you won't." She stepped closer. "First, you'd have to touch me and shift at the same time, and we both know you can't do that anymore. Second, that would be incredibly foolish and the equivalent of putting me into a tidy little to-go box. What would you have done if you had found me that way?"

  His insides jolted. "Then or now?"

  She opened her mouth to respond, then stopped, her cheeks flushing a deep rosy hue.

  He stepped closer, sliding his arm around her waist. "I'm not asking you to do nothing. I'm not asking you not to train."

  "What are you asking me then?"

  "I'm asking—" He stopped short, star
ing at her. She was so beautiful in the firelight, trying so hard to be strong. Tucking that fear down deep in her soul and squaring up for another fight against an enemy too strong for her. Love and need more intense than anything he had ever experienced flared within him, threatening to consume him in a breath. The silence stretched between them.

  "What?" she demanded. "What are you asking?"

  "There's no victory for me that does not include you. Alive and well." He pressed his nose against her temple and nudged her.

  Her breaths quickened, and her scent was even more intoxicating now than ever before. He had to hold her closer. Feel her body against his. She was alive. Breathing. Whole. His.

  Leaning in, he swept her close and pressed his mouth to her ear. "Sleep beside me tonight. Stay with me. We'll find the solution together. But later." He braced himself for her refusal. And when she said no, he'd force himself to let her go again.

  She hesitated, her head dipping down. "Won't it be too difficult for you?"

  Stunned, he remained silent for a moment. Not a no. Was she about to say yes? "That's my concern. Not yours."

  She pressed her cheek to his chest. "Then yes."

  Numerous thoughts flashed through his mind. Tackling her into the trench. Smothering her with kisses. Exploring under her skirt.

  No. He'd said sleeping. He'd made it clear there was a difference between sleeping and vestoving. If only he hadn't been so precise with that distinction.

  Still this was more than a step in the right direction.

  If she wanted to vestov, she could use words to communicate that. Or actions.

  To think he'd considered it torture being so close to her on the dance floor at the Ceremony of the Veskaro.

  Those memories dulled his desire. He had almost destroyed her that day.

  Why didn't she ever speak of Shon? It was odd. Not that he wanted to talk about Shon.

  Wait. She was still talking. About something else. "—and it would be good, I suppose. It seems colder."

  "Yes." He drew his lips along her neck before kissing her at the nape. The resulting shiver confirmed what he suspected about her neck. "Tonight we just rest."

  AaQar was already awake and politely pretending they did not exist as he put his back to them.

  "Come on." He guided her to his sleeping trench and then pulled her in beside him. The way she nestled against him lit him once more, but he resisted all the urges that roared into his mind. Sleep. Just sleep. It wasn't the first time someone had slept next to him or on him. Or—crespa, she felt good.

  She wasn't moving. But she wasn't sleeping either.

  "Amelia, you know you can move, right?" He nudged her neck.

  She nodded ever so slightly. "This is just… extremely intimate."

  Not nearly as intimate as they would eventually be. "Hmmm."

  "Are you sure you're going to be able to sleep?"

  "Of course."

  She glanced back at him, that furrowing of her brow and her hand sliding over his suggesting she didn't really believe him. Even so, she made no indication she wanted to leave.

  Tucking his chin against her neck, he savored the warmth and nearness of her body. "Rest, veskaro."

  49

  Close

  She'd never slept beside anyone before. And sleeping next to Naatos… she held perfectly still, aware of every inch of him. He'd brought her directly against his body, pressed her close enough to feel the lengths and planes of him.

  At least with her face turned away he wouldn't see just how much she was blushing. Fire pulsed through her whole body.

  He had almost clasped her breast, stopping only at the last second, then letting his hand fall to her waist.

  Why did he feel so good right now? Why did she want—more?

  He pushed himself more squarely against her.

  It would be so easy to push back.

  How many days were left?

  Math was impossible at the moment. How many days were even in a week?

  She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out all of the sensations now rousing withing her.

  He wasn't sleeping. And sleep certainly wasn't willing to give her a reprieve.

  The warmth and hardness against her were both comforting and alluring. Pushing back against him, testing her strength against his—she swallowed hard. Kept one hand pressed against the cold hard earth, grounding herself.

  It wasn't time yet. Not time.

  His fingers twitched against her stomach and side as his breaths caressed her neck.

  Though she remained motionless, she marked all of him again. Tried not to imagine him stroking her or sliding closer still. The scars along her breasts and arms grated beneath the fabric. The coarser fabric of the training clothes made those scars and her elmis uncomfortable. Even the silk of her yellow gown was almost intolerable at the moment.

  Just psychosomatic though. Her skin tingled every place he touched her, even with the fabric between them. And there was no good reason for it!

  He stretched his leg against hers and then back, caressing her calf.

  "Is this you seducing me for the day? Or is this tomorrow's?"

  That soft low chuckle burned inside her. "Do you want me to?"

  "I was just—" She closed her eyes. "You are very warm."

  "Do you want the blanket off?"

  "No. Just making an observation."

  "You're breathing very quickly." A brief pause followed. "Just making an observation."

  "Don't read into it," she muttered.

  "So you are not intensely aroused at the moment?"

  She pressed her lips tight. How dare he. "I'm tired."

  "Then sleep."

  "Why aren't you sleeping? You're just staring. It's making me nervous."

  "I'm not sleeping because I am intensely aroused."

  "I hadn't noticed."

  The jolt of annoyance warned her he hadn't caught her sarcasm. He pushed himself up on his arm as he looked down at her.

  "I was joking," she said, meeting his indignant gaze. "If it makes you feel any better, I am very much aware of you. All of you."

  "Good." He settled back. Another heavy sigh followed.

  "Are you sure you want me here?"

  Groaning, he dropped his head against her shoulder. "Yes."

  "I won't joke about not knowing you're aroused anymore."

  "Wonderful."

  "Can AaQar hear us?"

  "Yes." AaQar still had his back to them.

  She hid her face and moaned.

  His arms tightened around her. "Don't go."

  That awkward sensation and the need to hide grew stronger with each breath. She stilled though. This was just part of the process. She wanted to pull away. Not because she disliked him, but—she bit her lip hard, unable to put away the truth.

  Her mind was healing. Parts of her were coming into alignment, and she was changing. A lot. Even in terms of what she wanted. Like now? Vestoving Naatos meant everything had indeed changed. She couldn't pretend otherwise. Really she had already changed.

  If there was one thing she knew though, it would break her heart to have to go against them now. She had been willing to die before to save the worlds. It was a large abstract goal. WroOth was right that it got easier when you thought about the little things. That it always came down to that. Individuals. Moments.

  If there was one thing she did know though, it was that she didn't want any of them to die. She'd learn to rip out a soul to keep WroOth alive. Or AaQar. Or QueQoa. And Naatos… he was—

  She splayed her fingers over his hand, growing quieter.

  He was her husband. Her veskare.

  It meant most beloved of all, above all other earthly loves.

  She'd called him that once. After she'd cut out her elmis and had been in that horrible cold place. Said it more to mock.

  But now?

  Some part of it felt wrong still. She couldn't make her lips form the words. But they were in her mind along with all o
f the questions and issues that had yet to be resolved.

  The awkwardness and discomfort didn't entirely vanish. Her own body was melting with his nearness, his arms holding her close, his leg resting on hers. And love… He loved her. Intensely. That heat and those tendrils of emotion wanted to draw her in. Encompass her in full.

  Soon.

  She closed her eyes, focusing on the sensations. Nothing more had to be done.

  Gently, she brushed her thoughts over his. Light enough he wouldn't notice. Strong enough so she could see. He was actually pleased she was there with him. It was uncomfortable, yes. That need, that desire, it was so strong. It was wrapped in a weighty resolve. He meant it as much now as he had at the suphrite stream. She was safe with him. He would wait.

  Closing her eyes, she entered her own mind and returned to that place beneath the floor of her memories, the enormous cavern with all of the columns. The air was cool here. Crisp. As if it really was a cave. These columns and pillars of stone represented her skills. And this one—she stopped in front of the one with the broken stalactites and stalagmites. Large chunks had been ripped out of it. More ivy had grown up over it. Thicker and deeper near the base. Was it filling in? Was the ivy going to fill in the holes?

  Stepping closer, she laid her hand on the column. Deep grooves, bite marks and claw marks, cut along the column at intervals. A rawness struck her. A glistening wisping pain that hugged at the edges of her consciousness.

  At least it didn't look worse.

  She sat on the floor of the cavern and stared at that pillar. This section was eerie. So many shadows clung to the walls even though there was no clear light source. It just was.

  More guidance would have been good. Another Neyeb would be good. She'd forgotten to ask Rasha if there was a Neyeb who had opened up the connection between them.

  And what had Rasha said about doors? That she needed to learn to close them?

  She shuddered, remembering how she had felt in AaQar's mind in particular. The unease. That sensation of dozens of dark doors in an over-large house at midnight with an oppressive hum in the air and a thousand eyes watching silently.