"Not now." He tried to pass him, but AaQar held up his hand.
"I know what's happening, and there is something you need to know."
He could not imagine anything his older brother could tell him that would change anything. But AaQar wore that rare and unmistakable expression of a man who could not be swayed. It would be faster to listen than to argue. He set his arms akimbo. "What?"
"She is going to ask you for a vestov vow."
He shouldn't have been surprised. He really shouldn't have been. The words settled over him heavily. "What does she want?"
"What do you think? Probably for you to vow you won't kill anyone and that you won't pursue any form of conquest or rule. I don't know precisely. She didn't say. But it's not hard to guess." AaQar sighed. "I advised her not to, but you are both stubborn. So I am appealing to you as well. Whatever she asks of you, agree to it. Give her what she wants."
"Vestov vows cannot be broken without grave consequences."
"That's why she wants it."
He clenched his jaw. She couldn't leave it alone, could she? "I will speak with her."
"Give her what she wants." AaQar stepped away. "And I'll give you both some privacy. Caves have more resonance than I think she realizes."
Naatos watched his brother leave.
Why did she have to do this to him? This wasn't the way he wanted to start their first time. Crespa, she knew how to butcher a mood before it even had a chance to stand. Yes, she'd said she wanted to talk to him, but why couldn't that have simply been code for vestoving? Why did they have to talk more?
He resumed his course through the cave. The soft light danced on the walls and the gurgling river. Another soft light shone in the smaller subchamber. The besred hide hanging across the front served as a door of sorts though it did not cover the entrance fully.
As he pressed the curtain back, he stopped short. Over the course of the morning, she had transformed this little space into an almost cozy bedroom. She had layered several hides, furs, and blankets to form what was likely a relatively comfortable bed, complete with makeshift pillows. White and yellow flower petals drifted across the floor, and the pine branches wedged into the cracks of the dark stone provided a faint yet comforting medley of scents to mask the damp.
She stood in the far corner, fighting to jam one of the branches deeper into the rock before it dipped to the floor. When she saw him, her entire face brightened and her shoulders drew up as she took a sharp breath. He found himself holding his breath as well. She was so beautiful, it hurt. Such life glittered in those dark eyes. Hope and vitality. Her long hair in that loose half braid draped over her shoulder caught the light, and the bright yellow of her gown stood out against the grey-brown stone, hugging her curves and guiding his gaze to all the places he might soon explore.
Why did she have to want a vestov vow?
She wasn't going to make this easy for him, but he didn't have to make it easy for her either. He could make her happy if she just let him.
Catching her in his arms, he swept her up, put her against the wall, and captured her mouth with his.
59
Why
Amelia barely managed a breath of surprise before he had her up against the wall, his mouth over hers. His hair was still damp from the river, and he smelled like soap, evergreens, lemons, and woodsmoke, his natural muskier scent more muted now. His arms surrounded her and kneaded her as his hips pinned her. The hardness that greeted her confirmed he was more than ready. If she didn't stop this now, she wasn't going to get a single word out.
"No, wait." She pulled away, tilting her head back to break the kiss. "Wait, I need to tell you something, and I have to ask you for something."
"Words can wait." He kissed her jaw and then moved to catch her mouth with his once more.
She pulled farther away. "Naatos, I need to say this: I love you!"
He stopped, his eyes widening briefly. The words had frozen him though his expression remained guarded and hungry.
"I love you," she repeated, placing her hand on his chest, her back still against the cool stone wall. "And I am in love with you. I love you, and I love your family. And I don't want to fight you anymore or ever again."
"You don't have to." He placed his hand over hers, stroking her with his thumb. "Veskaro, you never have to fight me ever again." He motioned toward the bed, smiling softly. "Why don't we try out this bed you made?"
"No, you'll be angry if I ask you this when we're on the bed. You might be angry with me anyway."
"Then don't." He closed his eyes as he caressed her. "Don't, veskaro. I love you, and you love me. Let that be enough for now." He moved once more for her lips as he pushed up against her.
She slid her hand over his mouth. "Please listen to me. I know that a vestov vow is a serious thing, but I need you to swear it to me before we do this. You told me you would be willing to consider promising to give up the Tue-Rahs and everything except that words alone weren't enough. But this vow, it has consequences if it is broken. And you value it. So please, make a vestov vow to me and swear that you will not conquer the Tue-Rahs and that you will not conquer worlds or peoples unless they agree to your ruling them. And no genocide ever. Not in practice, not in effect."
He tightened against her, anger bristling off him. His squared jaw clenched. "No."
The flat way he said it punched her almost as much as the meaning. No room to talk. No room for negotiation. Tears burned the backs of her eyes. Maybe it was wrong to trust him. "Why?"
"It is not for you to be my conscience, and I will not wrap this up in our relationship. What happens with the Tue-Rahs and the worlds is entirely separate. Our relationship is not defined by the Tue-Rah nor the worlds. It is between us and us alone!"
She flinched but met his gaze. "Our relationship has always been defined by more than us. It has never been us and us alone. And I want it to be. I truly do. But I—I can't forget some of these things." Dipping her head forward, she wrapped her arms protectively around herself with her elmis flat to her torso. "I love you, Naatos. I love you so much it hurts my soul. And I am only going to fall more in love with you as time passes."
"Then trust me! Trust me, Amelia. I have shown you time and again these past weeks that you can. Trust me with this." He thrust his mouth to hers.
It would be so easy to slide into the depth and warmth of that kiss, to disappear into his strength and breadth. She returned the kiss with her own, tangled her fingers in his hair, and pressed close. So easy. So very very easy.
But—
She broke the kiss, pressing her forehead to his cheek. Tears knotted in her throat. "I trust you with me," she whispered. "I trust that you love me and that you will do what you feel is best and that you will honor your vows to me. But I have watched similar things happen with so many. If you become my world, then I have to know you aren't destroying other people's worlds. Because I know—I know what happens. I am going to fall more in love with you, and I am going to value the time that I spend with you and having happiness between us so much that it will be hard for me to stand against you. Because if I have to, I will be thinking about how good it feels for you to hold me. How much I love the way you kiss me. How safe I feel when I am next to you. And it will be so hard to remember what I was supposed to do from the beginning. I just need to know that I'm not going to have to fight that fight. The vestov vow fixes all of this."
"Why?" he growled. His lips and teeth scraped over her neck. "Why is a vestov vow sufficient?"
Untangling herself from him again, she rubbed her neck, trying to forget how good he felt. If he kept that up, he was going to distract her into oblivion. "Because it means something to you. Because our relationship—our love means something to you. You wouldn't defile it."
That flash of rage that lashed out of him nearly caused her to recoil. But it confirmed the truth of the statement. She wrapped her arms protectively around herself, her elmis shielded.
"Our bond is sacred. I
won't contaminate it with something such as this." He glared at her.
"AaQar asked Rasha to swear a vestov vow to prove that she was not involved with Nkiato's disappearance. Is this so different from that?"
"I have sworn to love and protect you. You are my beloved. That is all that matters!"
"Is it because of the nature of our relationship, the depth of the vow, or the fact you don't think you can keep it?" she demanded, backing away from him.
His gaze had grown icy. "I love you more than anything, but you will not rule me."
"I am not trying to rule you. I am asking that you prove to me that what happened in Libysha won't happen elsewhere—"
"Libysha was not an innocent nation—"
"There is no such thing!" she shouted. "Perfection is not required for people to have the right not to be slaughtered in their own homes. And you didn't march into Telhetum to provide justice. You took over because you wanted the Tue-Rah and because in the grand scheme you believed you could make things better! But you brought no crimes to any justice. You made points and examples! You warned people not to cross you. That isn't the same. If you wanted to liberate an oppressed people from an unjust ruler, I would be by your side. If you wanted to take down a tyrant, I would be with you. Libysha was far from perfect, and I know that there are things that have been hidden from me. But the people whose blood you poured out, they weren't the ones who committed the crimes! And that I cannot allow to happen ever again."
"Who are you to tell me what is right from wrong? Have you walked my path? Have you seen the torment and the horror? Who are you to stop me?"
She lifted her chin. "I am probably the only person who can stop you that you won't strike down dead. At least right now."
"It is not your place."
"And what is my place? Pleasuring you? Is that all I should focus on?"
"I would be delighted if you did. And I swear to you that I will give you—"
"I know! I know! That's—" She covered her face and half screamed. "I know I am stubborn, and I know I am a mess. But this is what I need from you."
"And I cannot give it to you. You have to set this aside, Amelia. If my love is not enough for you, then I have nothing else to give you. So you will abandon this request or there will be no vestoving."
Each word punched her soul. She turned her face away, tears rolling faster down her cheeks. "Then I suppose the most either of us can hope for is passionate celibacy." She stepped back and reached for the curtain. "I think I need to be alone right now."
* * *
Crespa! That wretched woman. She wasn't an onion fish or a vespyr. She was some creature that was eating him slowly from the inside out. His own personal mind shade who was determined to drive him utterly insane.
Then she had the nerve to cry about it!
As if she didn't know that each of those tears was like a dagger between his ribs.
Fortunately for him, Vawtrians handled daggers well.
No one manipulated him.
AaQar pushed the curtain back, but it fell the rest of the way. The coolly calm look he gave him likely did nothing to reflect how annoyed his older brother was.
"I know what you're going to say, and I am not in the mood to hear it," Naatos growled.
AaQar stepped back, walking toward the river. His lips were pressed in that tight line that suggested a lecture was coming.
"It is insulting she thinks she can command me." He followed his brother out into the long dark room where the river splashed and surged into the crack before disappearing into the deeper darkness of the earth. "And she judges what happened though it was not finished. It was in process!"
AaQar continued to say nothing. He only watched him, his eyes surprisingly sharp in this dim light.
"She does not understand what is coming. She does not understand what must be done to save the worlds. People die. It's what they do! It has been that way since Te."
AaQar gave a solemn nod. "She did not want you to kill at all."
"No." He despised having to clarify the matter; it was easier to wallow in his anger. Distinguishing threatened to upend him. "No, she wanted me to bind our bond to my never conquering the Tue-Rahs or worlds or peoples without their consent. And no genocide. If I believe that it is a situation in which an exception should be made, I must discuss it with her and gain her approval."
AaQar's eyebrow arched. "That is shockingly reasonable for her."
"She wants to be my conscience. She wants to rule me." He knotted his fist and pressed it to the wall. The coarse stone was slick with the river's spray. "My love is not enough for her. I am not enough for her."
"No. It isn't, and you aren't. But the same could be said of you. You are the one that grabbed her off the back of that dragon. You are the one who initiated this connection. I really didn't expect her to ask for less than for you to ultimately be a pacifist with so many safeguards you couldn't even carry more than a defensive weapon. As your wife, the blood you shed falls on her as well. She isn't content to hide in the cleft of the cliff and let you protect her, nor is she willing to let you go unencumbered wherever you will. She was condemned in part for her association with us, brother. More than that her own conscience would destroy her. What she has asked, well, it's not really that much. And she leaves you an out. She could have made it permanent so that it could never be changed. If we have the opportunity again, we can convince her."
"You really think that's possible?" he demanded.
AaQar chuckled darkly. "Not really. But at this point, I don't feel especially confident in our ever leaving this place. We haven't been able to find Rasha again through the mindreading or even confirm whether there was another Neyeb present. We have found nothing but the absence of past civilizations despite what should be here. There isn't even a hint of a direction for the Para bands' location, and without those we cannot restore the Tue-Rah. There are literally hundreds of tasks between now and then, but she sees a conflict and a fight far far down a many branched path. A conflict and a fight which requires she sacrifice her heart or her conscience. She wants to know that that will not be the case."
Naatos scoffed.
"Strange as it is, she believes in you. It's rather heartwarming. She believes you are capable of finding a way to not only restore the Tue-Rah but regain so much power that you could once again launch a threat against all of creation. Not only does she believe in you but she believes in you so much that she is afraid she won't be able to stop you. And she loves you. Unquestionably. Love is actually not the issue between the two of you. But she's right that it is easier for you to have this fight now rather than later."
It would be easier if she would just give in now.
"So you would give the vow?"
"Were I in your place, I would have agreed to never kill again if that would have gained my veskaro's consent."
Naatos shook his head. He wanted to give her anything, but she kept demanding the things he couldn't give her. It was as if she was automatically drawn to what she could not have. "She has to be reasonable."
Footsteps sounded outside the chamber, fast and strong. WroOth appeared in the doorway. "My sister is crying, and I'm assuming it is because of you."
"Go away, WroOth. I'm not interested in your thoughts on this point. Talk to her if you want to know."
"She doesn't want to talk to me. She wants to be alone."
"Then let her be alone!"
WroOth glared at him, his arms folded as he mirrored his brother's stance. "What did you do?"
"Amelia wanted a vestov vow," AaQar said.
Naatos shot his brother a glare, but it made no difference. Sometimes he longed for the non-communicative dysfunction that existed in other families. His would become involved in everything.
"Oh?" WroOth raised an eyebrow. "What did she want?"
"No conquering the Tue-Rahs, no conquering worlds or nations without the permission of the people, and no genocide. All, except probably genocide, have an option
for convincing her that it is the best course and freeing him from the vow."
"So why wouldn't you say yes?"
"You're going to lecture me on this?" Naatos demanded. "She only mentioned genocide because of you!"
WroOth shrugged, his expression incredulous. "Then we give up killing the Machat. I don't see any Machat here, and if they come back, then I'll explain why it's the right thing to do. Stop making this more complicated than it is."
"Now you're at peace with letting the Machat go?" He couldn't believe this. "Now? After everything? You're willing to let the Machat go?"
"What Machat?" WroOth spread his arms wide. "What Machat are here for me to kill? What vengeance do I have to seek? There's no one here but us. And if by some miracle there are others or we do find some way off this ancient rock, then we will deal with it. But that could be years from now if it ever happens. Decades perhaps. Even centuries! And there is someone coming to take her through a blood portal and brutally murder her, so forgive me for not being quite so concerned about the Machat at the moment. Shrieking moons, if she needs it that much, I'll let it go entirely. The Machat can live their wretched little lives with their interference and their prophecies and their mistakes. They deserve to die. They deserve to be eradicated if they are not willing to take responsibility for their words and their slowness and—" He stopped short, holding up his hand. "But right now, that is not important. We might not make it through this year, let alone the next ten or hundred. This world has changed so much, we might not even survive the weather! So what in all the perpetual terrors and everlasting hells are you doing arguing with her over what's going to happen sometime in a future we may not even reach?"
"You could have this exact same conversation with her," Naatos said.
"No." WroOth jabbed his finger at him. "I'm talking to you because you should know better. Make the vow. Give her what she wants. If those matters become an issue again, persuade her. Then if she agrees, we proceed."
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