by C. C. Wood
I took a deep breath and blew it out. "I may not be pregnant," I said.
Yep, I'd resorted to talking to myself.
It was one of my rare days off, thank goodness, so I would have the time to get a test, which would probably take a couple of hours.
Why would it take hours? There were a couple of reasons.
The first being that if I went to the local drug or grocery store, word would get back to my mom, or Cam, or, God help me, J.J., within a matter of hours. There would be talk, most of it idle gossip, but some of it would be malicious.
Which brought me to my second issue. If my reputation in town suffered, my house cleaning business would suffer as well. Several of my clients were elderly and some of them were very strait-laced to the point of being uptight. I could very well see a couple of them canceling my service because I was an unwed mother. Or at least believed to be unmarried and pregnant.
Yeah, I knew we were living in the twenty-first century, but narrow minds were often rigid.
And if I was pregnant, I would need every penny I could save between now and the birth.
My throat closed up and the nausea returned with full force when I realized what this meant for my ambitions to finish grad school. I knew several of my classmates had kids and worked, which was great. Some of them were even single parents. I knew I could handle that part of it.
But I would have to take on debt to finish. There was no way I could complete the program while pregnant and later, with a baby, without taking out loans because all my money would be going into medical care. And if there were any problems, my medical debt could quickly become large enough to bankrupt me.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and forced myself to unclench my fists.
I didn't know for sure if I was pregnant. Step one would be to verify that. Then, I could focus on step two.
The part of me that needed to have a plan for everything howled in denial at ignoring step two. And three. And four and five and six.
But it was the only thing I could do if I wanted to remain calm until I knew the truth.
Once I knew, then I could freak out. After the freak-out, I would figure out my next step.
Two hours later, I was sitting in a stall in the CVS bathroom in Greenville. It was about an hour from Farley. I'd arrived thirty minutes ago, purchased the pregnancy test and a bottle of water, which I drank down as quickly as possible, and now I was about to take the test.
While I waited for the urge to pee to hit, I read the instructions over and over to make sure I knew exactly what to do.
It was the moment of truth. I took a deep breath, stood up, and pulled my pants down. Somehow, I managed to pee enough to activate the test. Once I finished up, I put the wrapper on the back of the toilet, laid the test on top, and glanced at my smart watch, a Christmas gift from my family last year. My father insisted on buying it for me because he thought I "needed it" and I refused to spend that amount of money on a watch when it would buy me at least two textbooks when I went back to school.
Now, I was glad for it because I wasn't going to leave the stall to wash my hands until the two minutes were up.
I forced myself to close my eyes and take deep, steady breaths. If I hyperventilated and passed out in here, they would probably call an ambulance and I'd have to wait until the hospital did blood work to find out if I was pregnant or not.
It was the longest two minutes of my life. It was even worse than my first Pap smear, which hadn't been fun at all.
At last, the clock showed that the two minutes were up. I had turned my back on the toilet so I wouldn't stare at it while I waited. As soon as I turned around, I saw two blue lines.
My legs went weak and I sagged against the wall.
The edges of my vision turned dark and I braced my hand against the opposite wall. I couldn't faint. If I passed out, I'd end up going to the hospital and then everyone would know what happened.
Deep breaths. I had to take deep breaths.
After a few inhale-exhales, my vision cleared. I reached out and nearly tossed the positive test in the trash, but something made me stop. Instead, I tucked it back in the box and put the box back in the bag. I left the stall, washed my hands, and went back out into the store, straight to the aisle that carried other pregnancy tests.
Even though the frugal spirit inside of me cringed, I grabbed three more tests, each a different brand, and carried them back up front.
The clerk looked bored as he rang me up and never looked up from the register. Which was good because if he had, he would have recognized me from ten minutes ago.
As soon as I got the other bag with three tests and the mile-long receipt, I went outside to my car. Once I was in the driver's seat, I knew exactly where I had to go and what I had to do.
Fifty-five minutes later, I turned into my parents' driveway and parked behind my mom's SUV. Dad was probably at the office since my oldest brother ran the physical portion of the landscaping business. After his heart attack, they told him he could do office work only during the hottest part of the summer because they would not be the ones to tell my mother that he'd overheated and keeled over.
He complained and moaned about it and probably drove the office manager, Joyce, insane during July and August, but he did it.
I was pretty sure he spent most of his time in his office playing solitaire or watching YouTube.
I knew Mom had the day off because she'd mentioned it during our phone call the night before. And right now, I really needed my mother.
I was frightened, worried, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
My mother was a dispatcher for the sheriff's department, so she knew how to keep calm in a crisis and get down to the most pertinent information. She'd also gotten pregnant with my oldest brother, Daniel, when she was younger than me. Granted she hadn't been in school then, or unmarried, but I was confident she would understand how I was feeling.
She always did.
She was always strict when I was growing up, making me toe the line. I always felt like my brothers got away with murder while I had to mind my manners, but I knew she only wanted what was best for me.
I only hoped that she would save her lecture on safe sex for later. I didn't think I could handle it right now.
By the time I climbed out of the car, bags in hand, she was already at the front door, a cup of coffee in her hand and a huge smile on her face.
Until I got close enough for her to see my face.
"Lee, baby, what's wrong?" she asked, stepping out of the doorway toward me.
I tried to smile, but knew I failed. "I need to talk to you about something and I need you to promise me that you'll listen and give me a hug before you start yelling, okay?"
My throat closed up and I sniffed the tears back as hard as I could.
"Oh, my God, honey, what happened?"
She put her coffee on the porch railing and grabbed me up into her arms. I rested my cheek against her chest just like I had when I was little and I'd scraped my knee or gotten a bad grade.
And I cried.
It didn't take long for me to cry it all out and when I did, she pulled back and wiped my cheek gently.
"Come inside and I'll make you a cup of tea. You can tell me what's got you so upset. No yelling, I promise."
I followed her into the cool house and had a seat at the kitchen table.
A few minutes later, she was sitting across from me and we each had a cup of tea. I'd been thinking about what I should say for the last five minutes, but I still wasn't sure where to start.
"Tell me what's going on," my mother said.
I sipped my tea and said, "I have no idea what to tell you first."
"The most important thing."
My indrawn breath was shaky. I exhaled on a rush then told her, "I'm pregnant."
Her eyes widened. "I didn't realize you were seeing someone."
I shook my head. "I wasn't exactly seeing him. It was a short thing."
&nbs
p; "A one-night stand, you mean?"
I couldn't control my wince, but I was honest with her anyway. It wasn't like my brothers hadn't pulled this stuff before. I always felt like Mom and Dad expected me to behave differently because I was the only girl, but I guess I just couldn't do it. "Yes. You know I don't have time for a boyfriend right now. I like this guy and he's great, but the timing just stinks."
She didn't say anything aloud, but I could see what she wanted to say in her eyes. That now a lot more than the timing was messed up.
"We used protection every time, and it may have been the first time I'd used condoms, but I took the time to look up how to—"
I stopped talking and closed my eyes. Yes, I'd just told my mother that I'd lost my virginity and gotten pregnant all in the same night. I'd never outright told her I was still a virgin before, but I think she knew.
Now, she knew I wasn't.
"Wow, you had sex for the first time and got pregnant all in the same night?"
I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach again.
Mom shook her head and gestured to my cup. "Drink your tea. It'll settle your stomach."
My eyes shot to her face. How had she known?
"I was sick as a dog with D.J., Robert, and Scott. Clayton and you were my easiest pregnancies, which is strange because they usually say the easiest pregnancies make the most difficult babies."
I sipped my tea and waited. Finally, I asked, "Aren't you going to say anything?"
She crossed her arms on the table and leaned forward. "Do you want me to tell you what I'm really thinking or what you think I'm thinking?"
"Mom," I groaned, closing my eyes. "Just tell me what you're really thinking."
She grinned. "That I'm gonna be a grandma again! I haven't had a new baby in this house in two years and I've been getting the itch." She stopped and stared at me. "But I can see that you're confused. Are you thinking about giving up the baby or terminating the pregnancy?"
I gaped at her. This was not the reaction I was expecting. And the truth was, it had never even occurred to me to put the baby up for adoption or even consider an abortion. I knew those were choices open to me and I might have taken them if I were five years younger, but the truth was that I wanted a family. Two or three kids. Maybe more. So, when I realized I was pregnant, my first thoughts had been about how I was going to raise a baby on my own and how I would make it work, because deep down, that's what I really wanted.
"I hadn't considered it," I answered, my voice quiet. "It's unexpected but not unwelcome. You know I've always wanted kids. I just wanted to do it the right way."
Mom guffawed, smacking the table with her hand. "There is no right way, Lee. Having babies is hard. It's messy and expensive." She stopped laughing then but she was still smiling when she said, "But it's worth every single bit of the hard stuff because children really are a blessing."
"You're not...upset that I got pregnant out of wedlock?" I asked.
"Good Lord, out of wedlock? What is this, the nineteenth century? Why should I be upset, Lee? You're grown. You're twenty-five years old, you have two degrees, and you have a good head on your shoulders. A darn sight better than either of your brothers had when they had their first babies. You also have your own home, no mortgage, and two jobs. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to handle having a baby on your own. Do I hope that the father won't leave you hanging? Yes. He needs to help you because that baby will belong to both of you and he needs to be there for him or her. And for you because pregnancy can be difficult." She paused. "Have you told him yet?"
I shook my head. "I just took the first test about an hour before I got here."
Her eyes welled up. "And you came straight to me?"
I sniffed again. God, I hoped that I wasn't this emotional for the rest of my pregnancy. I wouldn't be able to make it through the day.
"Yeah, you always know what to do."
She reached out and took my hand. "Well, I think you do, too, so maybe you got it from me."
I laughed a little. "I expected a lecture," I admitted. "You were always so hard on me when I was growing up, so much harder than the boys. I figured you'd be incredibly disappointed."
It was my mother's turn to gape at me. "You really think I was harder on you than your brothers? Why?"
"You were always telling me to be polite, sit still, not talk back, get good grades. The list goes on and on," I said.
Mom laughed and shook her head. "I said all those things to your brothers, too. You were the only one who actually listened."
I took a moment to adjust to that concept. It was a bit like trying to look at a picture upside down.
"Lee—"
I lifted a hand. "Give me a second here. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you and Dad weren't actually old-fashioned about gender roles but that my brothers ignored you and I didn't."
Mom laughed and smacked the table. "Where on earth would you get that idea? Old-fashioned about gender roles? Sexist, you mean? When have I ever been subservient to your father? Or expected you to wait on your dad and brothers hand and foot?"
She had a good point there. When the boys were growing up, she was the first to tell them they could make their own plate of food, fix their own snacks, wash their own drawers, and scrub their own bathroom.
Most of the time they ignored her about scrubbing the bathroom or roped me into doing it, but they did the rest. They did their laundry once a week, usually doubling up on their dirty clothes baskets so two boys could get their washing done in one load. They made their own food when they were hungry and it wasn't mealtimes. And they handled their own mail and bills.
"Huh, I can't believe I never realized it before."
Mom sipped her tea. "A lot of times, we don't see what's right in front of our faces."
We drank our tea in silence for a while and I finally told her my biggest worry about this pregnancy.
"I don't have health insurance. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this baby."
"Dad and I will get you added back onto ours," she said simply.
I shook my head. They couldn't afford to do that. They had a high-deductible plan right now because it was all they could afford after my dad's heart attack and open-heart surgery had put them under such huge financial strain. Sure, it would make my life easier but their premiums would likely double. They were almost done paying for dad's hospital stay two years ago.
"No, I can't let you do that."
"What about through the shop? You're the assistant manager. Are they still planning to promote you to full-time with benefits?"
I nodded. "Yes, but not until the beginning of next year."
By then it would be too late, I'd be in my third trimester.
"Ask Cam if she can move it up a bit," Mom suggested. "All she can do is say no."
I nodded and drank more tea.
Mom studied me for a long moment. "What about the father? Would you consider asking him for help?"
I thought about J.J. and I knew that I wouldn't have to ask. As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he was going to insist we do something crazy. Like get married.
"I know he'll want to help. He'll probably ask me to marry him the minute he hears."
"Why do you sound so glum about that?" she asked.
Because I didn't want any man to marry me out of a sense of obligation. I wanted what my parents had—unconditional, passionate love. My brothers and I had learned long ago to wear headphones if we were staying up late to read or study because Mom and Dad had a very...active intimate life.
They also adored each other. They drove each other nuts too, but they were still best friends.
"Lee?"
"I don't want to be someone's responsibility. I want to be the love of someone's life."
"Who says you won't be the love of his life? You said that I know you don't have time to date, but what you meant was that you don't want to date. You don't want the complications or the potential heartbreak. And I unders
tand that. Your brothers haven't exactly been the best examples. But who's to say that he wouldn't fall in love with you if you gave him half a chance?"
I stared at her, knowing she could see the hope I was feeling. Then, I shook my head.
"How could that possibly happen? Pregnancy doesn't lend itself to falling in love."
My mother scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Stop looking for excuses not to give the poor guy a chance. Though, if I were you, I'd get started on the dating/seeing if you can fall in love portion right away before your brothers find out about him and try to run him off."
My stomach clenched at her words. She was right. My brothers were insanely protective of me, which was crazy considering how they'd treated women in their teens and early twenties. Robert and Scott were still single, but my oldest brother, D.J., had been married and divorced. D.J. eventually remarried to a wonderful woman. He must have learned his lesson because they seemed to be happy, even though he could be a knot head at times, and they had two little boys together. But, God, the path to getting there had been rocky. Robert hadn't made it to the state of wedded bliss, but he had lived with the mother of his daughter for a couple of years before they'd finally had it with each other. My middle brother, Clayton, was the only one of them who'd gotten married the first time and seemed happy to stay that way.
"They'll kill him if they ever find out who he is," I murmured.
"Now, honey, you know they won't."
I took a deep breath and dove right in. "Mom, it's J.J. McClane. He's the father."
"You're right. We'll just keep this between us for as long as we can." She drank more tea before she asked, "Maybe he should look into getting a bodyguard though, just in case it does get out."
I pushed my now empty cup out of the way and laid my head against the kitchen table.
That rushing sound I heard was all my attempts to keep my life simple being flushed down the toilet.