by C. C. Wood
"That looks uncomfortable," J.J. whispered to me.
"It's not exactly pleasant but it's not horrible either," I replied.
"And you'd better get used to it because you'll be in this position a lot over the next few months and for a couple of months after," Dr. Stubens muttered from the end of the table.
I had to laugh. She was right. I would be examined a lot over the next six to seven months.
After a thankfully quick exam, which J.J. didn't see much of due to the blanket over my upper thighs, Dr. Stubens scooted back on her rolling stool and went over to the sink.
"Help her sit up, J.J.," she commanded as she stripped off her latex gloves and began washing her hands.
When she was done, she faced us. "Everything appears to be developing well based on the exam but I would like to do an ultrasound today just to be sure. It will also give us a more definite due date. While we're in the ultrasound room, I'll also use the Doppler so you can hear the baby's heartbeat."
"You can hear it this early?" J.J. asked.
Dr. Stubens nodded. "Would you like to hear it?"
His smile was answer enough.
A few minutes later, we were in a dim room, surrounded by machines and screens.
Dr. Stubens was standing over me with a small box in her hand. A cord was attached to the box and there was a narrow contraption on the end of it that she was holding against my lower belly. Though she'd pulled my gown up, she carefully draped the blanket over my lower half.
I struggled not to make a face as she moved the little attachment against my skin, which she'd smeared with gel. The slimy feel of the gel was off-putting.
"Okay, here we go," she murmured.
The machine made a few weird noises, loud enough to make me jump, before a fast whooshing noise came out of the speaker. J.J. stood next to the table, his eyes glued to where the machine touched my skin.
"There you go. That's the baby's heart." Dr. Stubens smiled. "It's a quick one." She leaned toward me and said conspiratorially, "That usually means it's a girl, but don't take that as golden, okay?"
I nodded and bit my lip, tears forming in my eyes. Dr. Stubens seemed to take that as a reply and looked toward J.J.
"Wow," J.J. murmured.
I looked up at him when he spoke. He sounded awed, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"That's amazing," he continued. His hand found mine and squeezed before he looked from my belly to my face. "That's our baby."
The amazement in his eyes was what did it. His excitement and joy in hearing our child's heartbeat was obvious. I'd been fighting him every step of the way, struggling to keep a part of myself separate, just to prevent this moment.
The walls I'd built around my heart years ago crumbled and opened. I was in love with him and I'd done my best to convince him that our marriage was merely a formality and wouldn't last.
I had no clue what I needed to do next.
"Okay," Dr. Stubens said. "Let's just turn this off and get you cleaned up and then you can see the baby!"
J.J. released my hand and sat in the chair a few feet away, looking shell-shocked.
As the doctor cleaned the gel off my belly, she leaned over me. "That actually happens a lot. It's doesn't seem real until you can hear it or see it, does it?"
I shook my head at her, trying to be discreet as I wiped a couple of stray tears from my cheeks. She smiled at me and patted my shoulder. "Just take it as it comes, Lee. It will be okay."
She finished cleaning me up, pulled down my gown, and moved to the end of the bed where she sat on a rolling stool.
"Okay, boys and girls, let's get a look at this baby."
Dr. Stubens pulled out something she called a wand. My eyes got big when I saw how long it was and she smiled.
"Don't worry, Lee. It's not as scary as it looks and it doesn't hurt. I promise."
J.J.'s eyes were just as big as mine when I looked up at him. I bent my arm at the elbow and held my hand up to him. He stood from his seat and took it, still looking a little shaky.
"Now I really feel the need to apologize," he whispered.
I giggled but the sound was cut short by Dr. Stubens turning back toward us.
"At this stage, I could probably get a picture of the baby with an external ultrasound, but I prefer certainty, so we're going to take pictures and measurements internally today. Starting with your next visit, your ultrasounds will likely be external only. I say likely because I can't predict the future or possible issues you might have." She exhaled and smiled at us both. "That doesn't mean I foresee problems. Mom is young and healthy and Dad is, too. Now, are you ready to see the baby?"
We both nodded and Dr. Stubens helped me put my feet in the stirrups again but I was grateful that this time I didn't have to scoot down until most of my butt was hanging off the table.
"Okay, I'm inserting the wand now," she said.
I inhaled and exhaled, slow and easy, but as she'd promised, it wasn't painful or even uncomfortable. Just strange.
In a few seconds, I completely forgot about the peculiar feeling because she turned the screen more toward us and pointed to it.
I'd seen a few ultrasound picture examples online when doing my research on pregnancy, but this was different.
This was my baby. J.J.'s hand tightened on mine and I looked up. No, our baby.
Dr. Stubens was speaking but my brain had difficulty comprehending what she was saying. Something about pictures for us to take home.
What caught my attention was her voice when she said, "Well, I believe your calculations were correct, Lee. You're measuring right at twelve weeks. You've made it through your first trimester, which is wonderful." She hit a few keys on the keyboard and a strip of black and white images printed out from underneath. "Now, I'll let you get cleaned up and I have a bag full of pamphlets and information for you to take home and read. I'll go over a bit of it with you, but as I recall you are excellent at research and fully capable of going through the material on your own."
I nodded, numb and still coming to terms with the fact that the image on the screen, the little blob of stubby arms and legs and an obvious head, was my baby.
"Next time you come, we should be able to tell the sex of the baby!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Please tell me you want to know," she said.
J.J. looked at me. "What do you think?" he asked. Then, he grinned. "Never mind. You like to plan and make lists, so I'm pretty sure you'll want to know."
I nodded and realized I'd barely spoken since we came in here. "Yes, I want to know," I said to him.
"Wonderful!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Well, here's a towel to clean up with. Once you get back to the room, go ahead and get dressed and come into my office, okay? We'll go over everything there."
With that, she left me alone with J.J. in that dim room.
"You okay?" he asked when the door shut behind her. "That was the first time you've spoken since we came into this room."
I started to nod but licked my lips. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just...trying to get my head on straight."
"I know what you mean," he said.
I sat up and glanced at the towel, then at him.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll turn my back, okay?"
I nodded and as soon as his back was turned, used the towel to wipe my belly one more time and then between my legs. I remembered seeing baby wipes on the wooden bench in the changing area of the exam room and suddenly understood what they were for.
I balled the towel up and got to my feet. "Done. There's baby wipes in the changing area, so I'll finish cleaning up when I dress."
J.J. opened the door for me and did the same when we reached the changing room. "I'm going to the restroom while you get dressed," he said. "I'll wait out here until you're done."
I nodded and went inside the room, shutting the door behind me. Once I was safely ensconced in the changing area, I sat on the wooden bench and exhaled hard.
I wasn't sure what to think about first—the fact that
I was having a baby, one I was beginning to love and want more than I ever thought possible, or the realization that I was in love with my husband.
A husband I hadn't wanted or expected.
The only thing I knew with certainty was that I had no clue what to do next.
There was no plan for this. No list I could make to help me get through it.
Loving J.J. just was. There was no controlling it or managing it. I had to figure this out as I went along.
Which meant that I was probably going to mess it up.
16
It turned out that being in love with J.J. was a lot easier than I expected.
Mostly because he made it that way.
As our first week together slid into two, then three, I realized he wasn't putting on an act or trying to get on my good side.
J.J. had always been one of the best boys my brothers had brought home when we were young, and it seemed that he was one of the best men I knew now that we were adults.
Not that he was perfect. Lord, the man was far from it.
He left his shoes in the strangest places. Sometimes he would kick them off in random spots in the house. Once even my bedroom when he'd come in looking for me.
I'd learned to pay attention to where I was walking because I often tripped over them if I wasn't.
Then there was the fact that he had to have the remote for the TV in his hand at all times. Even when he asked me to choose what we were going to watch next. The remote didn't leave his hand, he would just scroll through the menu until I saw something I liked the look of.
You also couldn't argue with the man. He was reasonable all the time. And mule stubborn. That was how we ended up having our first semi-fight.
It was a semi-fight rather than an actual fight because he refused to argue with me.
One afternoon, J.J. came home early from work with a strange expression on his face.
I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a snack and studying for an upcoming test. Okay, so it was still a few weeks away, but if I started studying now then I wouldn't have to cram later.
"Hey," I said when he came in. "You're home early. Everything okay?"
True to form, he kicked his shoes off right inside the door. I gave them a pointed glance, which made him laugh, and he used his toe to nudge them against the wall and out of the way.
As he set his laptop and lunch bags on one of the chairs, he answered me, "Yeah, everything's okay. But I just realized something—I need access to the bills so I can pay them."
I frowned at him. "I have them on auto-pay," I replied. "You don't have to worry about them being late or anything."
"That's not what I mean," he said with a sigh. "I'm living here, eating food, using electricity, water, Wi-Fi, etc. and I need to contribute to that. There's also the fact that I'm established in my job and making more money. You should be saving your money to finish grad school and invest in your future."
I put the apple slice in my hand down and studied him. "I'm fine with you paying half the bills, but there aren't that many and they're not a lot of money."
"Lee, I need to at least pay the utilities, taxes, and for the groceries. If you want to continue to pay for your cell phone and car payment, that's fine, but I know you want to finish grad school and doing that with a baby is going to be hard enough. If I take over some of the bills, you can drop some of your cleaning clients and focus on school and making sure you're getting enough rest."
I stared at him, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to process everything he just said without my head exploding.
Finally, I said, "If I want to continue to pay for my cell phone and car, that's fine?" I asked.
I'd thought that my brothers were the only ones who could make me lose my temper, but I was wrong. I was dangerously close to losing my cool after just a few minutes of conversation with J.J.
He didn't seem to realize that he'd stuck his foot right in the middle of a pile of manure with that statement. "Yes."
"First, I don't have a car payment. Second, I do pay insurance on it and I will continue to do so. Third, what do you mean, 'drop some of my cleaning jobs?'"
J.J. stared at me in consternation. "Lee, I'm not trying to tell you what to do."
I raised my eyebrows at him, and he exhaled.
"I'm not, I promise. I'm trying to help. You're pregnant and you won't be able to continue hard physical labor for much longer."
"And who's going to clean our house?" I pointed out. "Pregnant women have been cleaning their own homes for centuries now."
"Yes, their own homes. Not theirs and ten others," he said.
I frowned at him because he did have a point...to an extent. I'd been planning to cut back a bit in my last month or two, but not yet. Even with his insurance, there were going to be medical bills and deductibles that I would need to pay.
"If I were eight or nine months pregnant, I would agree that I need to slow down, but I'm barely out of my first trimester so I should be fine for another four or five months."
"Dr. Stubens said you needed to take frequent breaks and put your feet up, even early on in your pregnancy, so you don't have issues with your blood pressure and swelling."
"I know what she said but she's also aware of what I do for a living so she knows how much I'm on my feet. If she thought I should quit one of my jobs, she would have said so."
He mulled that over for a moment. "Okay, you have a point there, but my point is that I'm doing well financially and I can take over payment on our joint bills. When you're done with school, we can talk again."
"You're still telling me what to do here, J.J.," I said.
"I'm trying to help you, Lee," he shot back.
My voice was getting higher and louder but his remained calm.
"Let me help," he said. "You don't complain when I make dinner or help you tidy up. This isn't much different."
I laughed. "It is different."
"How?"
"Money equals power and control in a lot of relationships, Jay. I can't afford to be financially dependent on you and I'm not just talking about money."
"You won't be dependent on me," he said. "You're not dependent on me now. You'll still have your own money and income and you'll be spending a lot less of it if you're not paying all of the bills."
I exhaled. "I'm not comfortable with this," I stated.
"Do you think I'm comfortable with living here while you pay for everything?" he asked. "Would you be if our roles were reversed?"
Crud. He had a point. I wouldn't be okay with living with him while he footed the entire bill. Even if he'd been doing it before I moved in. "Why do you have to be so reasonable and logical?" I asked.
He grinned at me, knowing that he'd gotten through. "Years of experience in dealing with your brothers."
I made a face at him which made him laugh. "Fine. You can take over the basic utilities like water, trash, and electricity. We'll split the Wi-Fi and subscription streaming services. Groceries will be on whoever does the shopping that day. Sound fair?"
"I still say I should pay for the groceries. I eat a lot more than you."
I groaned. "And I grow most of our produce, so it's not like we're spending a lot."
He frowned at me. "Then, I should definitely pay for the groceries since you're putting in so much time gardening."
"Gah! Fine!" I exclaimed waving my arms. "Pay for the groceries. But don't start insisting on paying me back if I pick up milk or eggs or whatever on the way home from work."
The butthead smiled at me. "All right. We have a deal. Now, I prefer to keep the utilities on auto-pay, I'll need you to give me the login and passwords for the accounts, or at least log in for me so I can add my card information to it."
"Right this minute?" I asked, giving my apple slices and peanut butter a pointed glance.
"After your snack. You don't eat enough as it is."
I sighed. "I eat plenty. I just had trouble eating when I was still having morning sicknes
s. It's almost completely gone now, so I'm going back to my regular eating habits."
J.J. raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, I apologize. I'm going to change while you finish your snack and then we can get everything changed over."
I waited until he left the room before I sat back in my chair and sighed again. Arguing with J.J. was going to be difficult because he refused to argue and he also refused to budge. Rather than losing his temper the way my mother and brothers did, he would just come back with logic and reasonable debate.
While I was glad he wasn't prone to losing his temper, I also wondered if he was like me. I rarely lost control of my anger, but when I did, I had a tendency to do and say things I regretted.
Now that my heart was involved, anything he said when he blew would obliterate me.
Then again, maybe the reason he was so calm was because he wasn't as emotionally attached as I was. Maybe his concern was more for our baby than for me.
I took a deep breath and covered my face with my hands. Oh, God, I hoped that wasn't the case. He liked me, he'd admitted as much to me. He wanted to get to know me, to spend time with me, but that wasn't the same as falling in love.
When you loved someone, you gave them the ability to hurt you. But if they didn't love you back, you couldn't trust them not to inflict pain.
J.J. gave me every indication he was a good man, but that didn't mean he couldn't hurt me. He might never do so intentionally, but unintentional pain still caused wounds.
By the time J.J. returned to the kitchen, I'd gotten myself under control. Or at least gave every appearance that I was in control.
Unfortunately, he destroyed it when he came back in and asked, "Are we going to have to have this discussion again when we move into a bigger place?"
I blinked at him, completely taken aback by the question. "What?"
He sat down in the chair to my right and scrubbed his hands over his face. "We won't be able to stay here once the baby comes. We won't have enough space for both of us and the baby and all their stuff."
I stared at him in complete silence for a protracted moment. He was right, of course. This house was almost too small for J.J. and I together. Add the baby into the mix and it would be so crowded we couldn't turn around.