The sun shines on her white summer hat casting a squared pattern of shade across her face. The air smells of newly cut grass.
Mr. Jensen has arranged our going-away party at The Bluebird, but when we get there, Nana holds me back from going inside. “I want to show you something.” There is a cheeky grin on her face as she walks ahead of me past the restaurant. “Have you visited the bakery lately?”
I haven’t set foot in there since Mr. Dahl rejected my poster, and I don’t want to now either.
“Why are we here?”
Nana takes my arm. “I’m surprised you haven’t noticed it, but the window display is updated. I think you will approve.”
We turn the corner. I stand still and stare into the bakery window. I can’t believe my eyes. My heart races. There it is. I had forgotten all about it, but lit up in Mr. Dahl's window is the poster I made as a second attempt after he rejected my first one. I grin. My mind scans every possibility for how it got there. The only other person to see it was Nana….When she brought it with her to show Grandpa in the hospital.
She leans over and whispers. “It’s been here all summer. Sales have doubled.”
I never imagined Mr. Dahl would use it, but it’s hanging there. I cover my mouth to hide my grin.
My poster is in his window.
Mr. Dahl exits the bakery. “Seems Josefine and Nana were right about you.” He pulls out his wallet and hands me three thousand kroner. “A small part of the increased income your poster has given us. Thank you.”
He walks inside again and leaves me speechless with the money in my hand.
My first paid job outside of the family. I’ve been paid for a poster! I have to tell Miss Ask.
Nana puts her arm around me. “I am so happy you have decided to stay in Porto. You have so much talent. Please do not waste that.” She slips me the brochure for DAP, the design school I almost attended a year ago, the dream that I put my heart and soul into.
I open it and see a picture of the reception room with displays of all their famous past student work. I pinch my lips together. “But I had my chance.”
“You must do what will satisfy your soul. Bang on their door until they let you in again,” she says.
Her confidence in me makes me stand up straight. They accepted me once out of thousands, and I’m going to Porto now. I nod to myself as my mind spins thinking about how I can persuade the school to take me in.
There’s no way they will, but I’ll try.
“What do I have to lose, right?”
Nana’s glasses moves up with her cheeks. “Now we have a plan. But first, we have a party to attend.
At The Bluebird, Mr. Jensen meets us at the door. “I cannot believe you haven’t been outside of Norway before. This is incredible, such a big event for you both. How exciting.”
He offers to take Nana’s hat, but she waves him off. “It is a part of my outfit, you see.”
Mom is missing. It doesn’t come as a surprise. I force a smile, focused on how unbearable it would have been to say goodbye to her as Ms. Vogt. But the hole inside me doesn’t let go of the hope to heal one day.
Ms. Berg has prepared dinner set out on a long table in the middle of the room, the ceiling covered in balloons.
“Miss Ask?” I dart through the room, show her the money and share the news about my poster.
She smiles. “I have missed you in my classes.”
William peeks out from behind the bar, and seeing him makes everything okay. Although we’re not together, having him here relaxes me. Josefine hands Nana and me flutes of champagne. Nana beams as she clears her throat, getting everyone’s attention. In one swift movement, she raises her glass up high, champagne spills over. We all laugh and follow her lead as she cheers. “To dreams coming true.”
I set my glass down and walk towards William when the sound of a shoe skidding across the wet floor behind me sends chills up my spine. I spin around. Nana’s flapping her arms for a chair, a table, a person, anything to break her fall. There is nothing she can grab on to.
My scream echoes through the restaurant. “Nana!” I sprint back but can’t reach her in time.
I hear bone cracking. Nana moans in pain. She takes my hand and tries to rise, but can’t.
“Call the ambulance!” I’m screaming at William.
“The ambulance takes just as long driving here as we do going to the hospital. Can you walk?” Mr. Jensen waits impatiently for Nana to answer.
“Yes,” she says.
Mr. Jensen gently pulls her up, supporting her out of the restaurant. I buckle her up in the front seat and get in the back.
Nana twists in pain. “Go back to your party, Amalie. This is only a broken bone, nothing to worry about.”
“Drive! I’m not going anywhere.”
At the hospital, I run into the reception while Mr. Jensen helps Nana inside. Dr. Rose meets us only minutes later and whisks Nana away for x-rays.
We can make it work. If it’s a broken bone…
I heard it snap…
It is a broken bone, but people fly with broken bones all the time. Porto has hospitals, and she can still go.
We need painkillers. Lots of them.
Half an hour later, Mr. Jensen and I are called into a check-up room where Dr. Rose hangs the x-rays on a backlit board. “I’m afraid you’ve broken two ribs, but luckily your lungs are unharmed.” Her brows furrow as she studies the images. She presses on Nana’s chest. “Have you noticed these knots before?”
Nana nods. “The scar tissue?”
“I think we should do another biopsy.”
I whisper, “A biopsy? Do you think the cancer’s back?”
The doctor looks at Mr. Jensen, then back to me. “It’s a precaution. If you kindly wait outside, we’ll take excellent care of her.”
Mr. Jensen and I walk over to the waiting room.
Jeez, I’m sick of this room. It’s never pleasant being here. Someone is always in danger.
I glance up at the clock above the coffee machine. Seven in the evening. “Our flight leaves tomorrow morning at nine.”
He doesn’t reply. It isn’t like him to keep quiet, but he doesn’t need to state the obvious. Nana can’t travel tomorrow.
When Dr. Rose walks into the waiting area, she’s pushing Nana in a wheelchair. “You will hear from us within a week.”
Nana’s complexion is gray, staring at the floor. She doesn’t say a word on the entire drive home, and neither does Mr. Jensen or I. When he parks the car outside her house, the moon reflects on the asphalt, wet from the neighbors’ sprinklers.
I open the front door. Mr. Jensen carries Nana up the wooden stairs to her room where I tuck her into the white daisy-patterned bedding. In the corner sits a ready-packed bag. I follow Mr. Jensen out.
When I return to her room, Nana’s eyes are red, and she wipes tears with her sleeve. “I so want to go with you tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry.” I sit on the edge of the bed. “I’m sure the results will be fine, and we’ll wait until you heal. Then we’ll go.”
Nana inhales, then cringes at the pain. Her voice is strained. “You have to go!”
I want to object, but her decisive stare keeps me silent.
“Go, get settled. I will heal, then join you there in a few weeks. Cancer or no cancer. I am going. But not tomorrow.”
“No, Nana. I’m not leaving you like this.”
She grimaces on an inhale. “Do not fight me on this. I will not be the reason for you to give up yet another Porto trip.”
My breath shudders. “But we can go later, together.”
“No! I can, you cannot. Enough waiting. Go. I want a postcard from you in my mailbox stamped in Porto within a week.” Her chin shakes. “Please, Amalie. For me.”
Nana slips her hand out of mine. “Please.”
I don’t want to go without you.
I press my lips together and take a deep breath. Leaning over, I kiss Nana’s wet cheek, dry them both o
ff with my hands and look her in the eyes. They are wide, begging, and I can’t fight her. “For you.”
Like a toddler walking for the first time, I stumble toward the door. I linger there, hoping she’ll change her mind. Instead, her hoarse voice whispers, “Thank you.”
Closing her front door behind me, Mr. Jensen waits by the road. “I’ll take care of her.” He opens his arms, and I run into them.
“The party? Do they know?”
“I texted Ms. Berg from the hospital. They’re all home by now, don’t worry.” He gestures for me to get into the car. “Let me drive you home. You have a long day of travel tomorrow and need rest.”
I don’t want to do this alone. I’m not ready. Nana and I had a plan, we were going together, watching her dream come true. It’s only me now with no plan at all.
I get into the front seat and buckle up, staring out the window at the full moon looking down. “I can’t do this.”
He starts the car, and without a sound, we roll down the street. “Yes, you can. I’m here for Nana, and she will be absolutely perfect again.
That night, I can’t sleep. I check my phone over and over to see if Nana’s called. I go over and over whether I’ve forgotten anything. Even though I packed a week ago to be sure, I check through my list again, anxious yet excited, while feeling dreadful for leaving.
At four o’clock in the morning, I check my phone one last time. My breath catches in my chest when a message from Nana pops up. I open it.
“Thank you for traveling alone to follow your dream. I look forward to seeing you in Portugal in a few weeks. Love, Nana.”
I stare at the words, reading the text over and over before I write back: “Any time you want me to come home, let me know. I’ll be on the first flight back. Love, Amalie. PS: Thank you for believing in me.”
My hands are shaking as I close the lid on the yellow suitcase and carry it downstairs. The headlight of William’s Mercedes lights up the front door. The lock clicks open, and it feels good to close the door behind me. I hope the memory of Dad strangling me is gone when I come back. Right now, it’s all I see in this entrance.
“Couldn’t let you go without a proper goodbye.” William lifts the suitcase into the trunk. “Only one?”
“I don’t have that much.”
And I have no idea what the weather will be like so I’ll buy what else I need when I get there.
Driving off, the thought of leaving everything familiar behind for the unknown makes me queasy. Through the side mirror, I focus on the rising sun and the way it’s creating what looks like a halo behind my apartment building. The train will hopefully rock away my worries.
“I can’t believe you’re actually leaving.” William turns onto the main road, leaving the pine trees lining the forest edge to my hometown behind.
“I’m going for Nana,” I say, not knowing why I’m hiding behind that excuse. Knowing he’s not thrilled about the idea, I can’t get myself to say I’m both scared and curious about what’s to come.
Will the apartment look like I dream it will? Will my poor Portuguese get me where and what I need? Will I make any friends or end up sitting alone in my apartment regretting ever going?
William hums to himself. “You know…It’s okay to admit you’re a bit excited. I get that you feel bad, but it’s a big deal. Allow yourself to enjoy it.”
I smile. “I could never do this if it weren’t for you.”
He shrugs, like only he can. “All help is free in a family, and we were a small one for a second.”
Not all families.
After everything William and I’ve been through, a second is far from enough to describe what we had together. “A very good hour, I’d say.”
I glance at the clock. If the train is on time, I’ll arrive two and a half hours early before my flight. I can’t be late, and I refuse to rush on my first journey out of Norway so this will leave me with plenty of time. My heart is beating faster at the thought.
I stare out my window. Forest turns into fields and soon we’ll cross the bridge. “Any last minute tips for my flight?” I’ve researched this for weeks, but I want to hear the safety of his voice as he explains what he knows so much about. Like our relationship was, him teaching me. It’s humbling, letting him share his experience and becoming so aware of how much I have to see, learn and feel.
“You’ll need to chew on something to unclog your ears when the plane lifts off. Since it’s your first time, check in with a person, then you can ask for a window seat. Don’t bother with the machines.”
Still staring out my window, I think of how my life would have been if I’d never met William. “I will miss you,” I say. Thanks to him, I can afford to go, I was able to get a profit from Skar’s, I have an apartment that’s all mine, and Josefine’s rent money will help a lot. If not for him, I’d probably be bankrupt and still living at Nana’s.
We cross the bridge, and two minutes later he parks in front of the train station. “I will miss you too.” He jumps out, lifts my suitcase out of the trunk, and hands it to me. “Be safe.”
“You too.” I give him a hug and hold on tight until my train is called over the speaker. “I guess I have to let you go now,” he says.
I smile and walk onto the platform.
Josefine sits on a bench waiting for me. “I overslept.”
We hug our goodbye, and it dawns on me how unfairly I’ve treated her. “Thank you for being my friend all these years,” I say.
“Thank you for renting me your apartment.” She winks jokingly.
“I’m serious. You are an incredibly kind person. I don’t know why it took me so long to see that.”
“Ah, your father had you pretty brainwashed on how the world works. Now you get to see for yourself.”
I do. And for Nana and Mom too.
“Open mind,” I say.
“Leave the judgmental thoughts in Norway. You don’t need them.”
I’ll try. They’re like a cold that never lets go and keeps popping up demanding attention.
The train stops next to us, and I hug her one more time, tighter. “And don’t let men like Johan take advantage of you. You deserve better.”
When I turn to get on, Josefine holds me back. “Thank you for showing me how to respect myself and set the limits I need to make myself happy.”
What?
The conductor blows her whistle, and I step up on the train. “Come see me,” I say, unable to express what a significant role she’s had in my life this last year. She’s the reason I have a poster in the bakery window. She’s forced me to see past all the judgment Dad raised me with. She’s been there for me every time I needed help. I call out as the door closes between us. “You are special.”
In a seat by the window, rain falls on the glass, and the view of Tønsberg soon turns into a forest. With every passing minute, my body tenses. The lack of sleep catches up with me. I’ve heard people at The Bluebird speak of how they always sleep on planes, and it sounds like a good plan. I can do that.
At every stop more people board the train and fill up every seat and aisle until eventually no more people can get in.
A voice announces “Oslo Central Station” over the speakers.
Like floodgates opening, the train empties, only to make room for more men and women in suits rushing on. And with the rush of people, thoughts from this past year flood through me.
I was supposed to take this flight about a year ago and begin my future in Porto at DAP. With the scholarship as my goal and me focused on making Dad proud of me, I didn’t notice that no matter what I did, he never had room for pride in anything but himself. Josefine would say he had me imprisoned in his demands, and she’d be right. Even when she tried to help me, all I thought about was how badly he would say she dressed and wore too much make-up. Now she’s my best friend. I’ve learned that Mr. Jensen owns his own gallery in Oslo, and although Dad made fun of him not becoming a lawyer, he’s more successful than Dad will ever b
e. He’s living his dream life while Dad will live his in jail.
Mom used to be my world, and now she doesn’t want me to be anywhere near her world.
What will her life be like now that I’m gone?
She’s shut everyone out but Mr. Jensen.
Will she ever regain her memory and be back to her old self?
I hope Nana’s test results come back negative and are just scar tissue from the operation.
She must visit me, see Porto and fulfill her dream.
I’ve had sex, been in my first serious relationship, bought and sold a house with William in less than a year. I’ve invested my money in real estate in a foreign country. If I time-traveled back and told myself that all this would happen a year ago, I would never believe it. It’s insane to think of. I’ve even learned how to walk in heels.
Now, I’m going on a plane for the first time, and it’s both exciting and scary. As it should be. A new adventure, lessons to learn and mistakes to be made lay before me. My need for control must stay behind because I have no idea what’s to come.
I pull out my sketchbook and look at my apartment drawing. Allowing my pencil to dance across the page, I add a sofa in front of a fireplace with a man and me huddled up together watching the flames. At the dining table, I draw women and men enjoying food, wine, and laughter. I wonder what the future has in store for me.
An announcement for Oslo Airport rings through the train. When every suit-wearing passenger sprints off the train to reach their flights, I wait. I check to see that I have my passport for the fifth time today. It’s in my bag where it has been for the last week.
I step off the train, my suitcase in hand, ready to let go of my past life and begin my journey.
TO BE CONTINUED
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