by Nyrae Dawn
“Do you wanna find everyone else before the show kicks off?” I hope like hell she says no.
Charlotte shakes her head. She has her fish in one of her hands. “Nope. I have a secret place to watch them. I go up there alone every year.”
Crossing my arms, I look at her. Not mad or anything, but wondering if that means she wants me to leave her alone.
“Do I get to go see this special spot?”
“You already know all my secrets anyway.”
It doesn’t matter if I should or not. That I’m leaving soon or that she thinks one day she’ll be with Alec. We have now. I want some piece of Charlotte, and to let her have some of me. This time when I grab her hand it’s not because I’m pulling her away from Alec or because it’s easier to weave through a crowd that way. When she grabs mine back, I hope it’s not because she only wants to comfort me, but because she wants the contact.
Her palm is a little sweaty, but it doesn’t bother me. I think she’s nervous which makes my pulse race because whatever it is that I think she’s feeling; I’m feeling it, too. Or maybe I’m hoping like hell she shares the same heat bursting through my veins.
We weave our way through the crowd to the far end of the carnival and sneak through a sizeable storage building before halting in front of a fence.
“We have to go over,” she says, and I smile thinking it’s really fucking cool that this girl climbs fences to sneak in and out of carnivals.
“Hey.” I grab her shoulder, right before she’s about to begin to climb. “Thank you.”
Her eyebrows come together. “For what?”
“Being you, I guess. And for this. Showing me your secrets.”
She bites her lip shyly but then says, “You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you were a pretty boy. I didn’t think you would do stuff like climb fences or win night games with me.”
Ouch. That kind of sucks. I remember her saying something like that before. “And now?”
“Now I know who you are.”
Who, I want to ask her. I always thought I knew who I was but now I’m not sure.
“Come on. We need to hurry.”
“Let me go first. I’ll help you on the other side.” I know she doesn’t need my help, but I want to give it to her. Maybe I’m just selfish and want my hands on her. It’s like I don’t know my own head anymore.
After taking the fish from her, I scale the fence and drop down on the other side. Charlotte comes up right behind me. When she gets to the top, she slides down a little. I reach up and grasp her waist and she slips right down into my arms. We’re standing there, without any space between us, the bag still clutched in my hand. I feel her stomach and her breasts up against my chest and I’m not letting go. God, I totally don’t want to let go of this girl right now.
She licks her lips and I’m leaning forward and I’m eager, like I’ve never kissed her girl. Like I need to know how she tastes again.
Boom!
The sky lights up in reds and blues. Charlotte pulls away and grabs my hand again. “Come on. We’re going to miss the show.”
Right now I don’t care about anything except her, but it seems to be important to her so I follow. We run up this grassy hill right behind the building. Trees stand all around us and I wonder how we’re supposed to see around them. A few more pops take off, the colors so bright we have no trouble seeing. It’s not a huge hill and only takes a couple minutes to get to the top. The trees are thick behind us, but there’s a perfect clearing up here. A circle, with an open sky above it. When another firework goes off, they look like they’re right above us—like they could fall right on top of us, the only two people in the world.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispers, her eyes on the sky, but not me. I’m looking at her.
“Yeah…it is.” I’ve never really thought of Charlotte as beautiful before, looking at her with that huge smile, colors reflecting in her eyes and on her face. Cute, sure, but right now I wonder how I wasn't always conscious of the fact she is so beautiful.
She glances at me. “Watch them,” she says, so I do.
Holding hands, we stand in middle of the clearing and watch the show.
When it’s almost over, I turn to her. My finger brushes the hollow spot at the base of her throat while I watch it. It’s so crazy touching her like this. It doesn’t matter that we’ve kissed once last year. This feels different.
“You got rid of your necklace,” I say.
Her breath hitches. More fireworks go off. “You don’t wear yours anymore, either.”
From my pocket, I remove the black leather necklace with the star on it. “I felt like a jerk wearing it after how I treated you…”
“I wore mine every day until the day you came back… It made me feel like, I don’t know, like maybe I really could have the stars.”
“You can.”
She’s already shaking her head. I don’t get it; I don’t see why she doesn’t think she can have more than this. If I bring it up, I know we’ll fight again and I’m tired of fighting with her. I lift my hands and latch the necklace around my neck. Charlotte nods and I know that means she’ll wear hers again too.
Pop after pop sounds in the distance. The colors of the finale flash the night sky alive. I cup Charlotte's cheek and she shivers.
“It’s just me,” I say and then feel stupid. “I mean, you know it’s me and who am I really but—”
“You’re Nathaniel.”
I set the fish on the ground. That’s all I need to hear, and then I’m leaning forward. My lips touch hers and I wonder if I should go slowly, but I can’t really do it. My tongue slides into her mouth and I push a hand into her hair. I pull her closer, resting my other hand on the curve of her hip.
She moans, and I kiss her deeper. Charlotte’s arms wrap around my neck. We’re kissing like crazy with the fireworks going off, but then she pulls back. Steps away.
Shit. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
Charlotte shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. It’s just…”
She’s the kind of girl who needs to go slow, isn't she? Guilt rumbles through me. My mind flashes back to that night with Adam and Chrissy. I could never push myself on a girl like that.
“You didn’t push,” she says, reading my mind again. “I swear, it’s just…” But she doesn’t continue. We watch the end of the finale. For a second, I worry we’re right back where we didn’t want to be, but I won’t let us. I reach for her hand and she’s doing the same. When she laughs, I do, too.
It’s a few nights later, Charlotte and I aren't meeting until one a.m. so I pass out for a little while and set the alarm on my phone to wake me up. When I get out of bed, Brandon is gone. I have no idea how he made it out without me hearing him.
I shake my head and climb out the window, hoping we don’t see him and Sadie going at it in the woods again. I should have known it wouldn’t be long, and I hope my brother knows what he’s doing. The last thing we need is him getting into it with Sadie’s boyfriend.
Charlotte has her telescope with her tonight. She doesn’t bring it often, but when she does, she spends a lot of time looking through it. I wonder what she sees up there. The look on her face makes me wonder what I’m missing. It’s like it’s her miracle or something.
“We might want to hit our spot by the lake tonight, instead of the fort. Brandon was gone when I got out of bed…”
Charlotte doesn’t need me to continue. “Oh my God! Sadie was asking about him. I can’t believe that. I feel so bad for Brice.”
“Sucks for him.”
We head over to our spot. I lay out the blanket Charlotte brought with her and then we set up her telescope. “What are we looking for tonight?” I ask. We’re close and I really want to kiss her again.
“Nothing specific. I just wanted to explore.”
Sitting down on the blanket, I watch her look for whatever it is she sees up there.
“You should explore in real life one day. Away fro
m The Village.”
She groans. “I’m not an idiot. I know that.”
“Sorry.” I touch her back and she jumps a little. “I don’t want to be a dick.”
“You’re not. I mean, I kind of like it when you say stuff like that. You almost make me believe it, ya know? But…there's my dad. This is my life, Nathaniel. My past is here, and it’s my future, too.” She’s quiet and I know there’s more. I lean away from her and lay down on the blanket again, giving her space.
“They’re fighting a lot again…my parents. Have you ever had that feeling in your gut, that you know something’s going to happen?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s going to leave. I know it. And then…who will he have? Dad’s always been in my corner. When I was young and Mom tried to force me into dresses, he told her to leave me alone. He taught me how to build forts and didn’t treat me like I couldn’t do the same kind of work him and Alec did, just because I’m a girl.”
He made her who she is. I’ll always respect him for that. “But those things aren’t all you want anymore, are they?” I start to sweat a little. Maybe I misread her. Maybe she’s changed and I didn’t know.
“But this is how I can repay him. I can’t leave him alone.”
“What if you helped in the summers? Couldn’t he find someone to work for him during the rest of the year?” I ask her.
“Hiring extra help isn’t always cost efficient and, that’s not all it is. He wants this is our legacy, ya know? He wants it in the family.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. I get it, but it’s still shitty and not fair to her.
She wipes at her eyes. It turns me inside out to see her cry. I sit up and pull her to me, into my lap, and she sits there, wrapping her arms around my neck. “You really think they’ll leave?” I ask.
Charlotte nods. “I think so. It wouldn’t be bad here, Nathaniel. I just…”
“You want more.”
She nods and we sit there like that, her on my lap as I touch the tender skin of her side.
“Want me to tell you?” she asks after a few minutes. “If I could do anything, do you want me to tell you what I’d do?”
“Yeah.”
And then she talks. I hold her while she tells me she would study astrology. “I want to learn everything there is to know about the stars. I want to see big cities and little ones. To travel and see what the night looks like from other places in the world.”
“You should. You could do it.”
“I’ve never been farther than a few hours from Lakeland Village.”
She asks about New York so I tell her about places I would take her, if we ever had the chance to go.
“I’ve always wanted to go to the West Coast,” she admits. “Los Angeles or maybe San Francisco.”
“I want to go far away for school too.” Then I whisper against her cheek, “I think you’ll go one day.”
“Yeah?” she asks.
“I do.” And it’s the truth.
“I’m bored. You wanna go outside with me and throw the football around or something?” Brandon asks.
It’s evening and we spent the day hiking with our parents. Charlotte had to work with her dad, and I have no idea what time they'll be done. “Sure.” I shrug. “I guess.”
We go outside and around to the side of the cabin. Brandon throws the ball at me and I catch it before tossing it back to him. A laugh comes from the direction of Charlotte’s house so I look over to see who it was. Sadie’s sanding on the back deck with Brice. Alec’s parents are there, too, his mom sitting on his dad’s lap. It’s his mom who laughed at something someone said. Her head is tossed back and a huge smile is on her face.
Mr. Gates is standing at the grill, cooking as he looks on. Even Mrs. Gates is out there, a glass of wine in her hand. She looks happy, too. Off to the farthest side of the deck, Charlotte sits on the ledge with Alec standing in front of her. They’re in some kind of conversation and she doesn’t seem to notice anything else around her.
Which means she doesn’t notice me. I shake that thought out of my head. Looking at her over there, her family and his, I see it for the first time. She does fit in here. It might not be all she wants, but she could be happy. I never wanted to see that before. Her dad is here and they’re good friends with Alec’s parents. Alec is here and as much as I hate the guy, I know she cares about him.
This could be her life.
I think I wanted to believe she hated it here. And maybe she does, but I see that maybe she might not too.
It sends a cold blast through me. Then I feel like shit for thinking that way. I shouldn’t want her to be unhappy.
“What the hell, man?” Brandon says, jogging up to me where he’s able to see the deck.
He stares over there for a second too before he sighs. “One big happy family, huh?”
I look at my brother. “I’m not. I don’t. It’s not my business what Charlotte does.” That doesn’t feel right, though. The words turn the cold inside me to an angry fire.
Brandon shakes his head. “Whatever you say. And who said I was talking about you?”
Shit. He really does care about Sadie. I shouldn’t be shocked that he lied before. It’s not like we’ve ever been really close or that either of us really go around talking about how we feel. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “You can…you know, talk to me or something. Tell me what happened.”
Brandon opens his mouth and I think he might say something real, but he shakes his head. “You wouldn’t get it. No one would.” He nods toward the other side of the house. “We’ll head over that way. Go long.”
I don’t tell Charlotte that I saw her with Alec’s family. There’s really no point. It doesn’t change anything and it shouldn’t make me feel as shitty as it does. We sneak out that night like we always do. She could be with him, if she wanted. Maybe it makes me a dick, but it feels good to know I’m the one she spends her nights with. It’s like she’s choosing me over him, when I shouldn’t want her in the position to choose anything.
She tells me that she has to work with her dad for a little bit in the morning and then her and all their friends taking one of the boats out, so Brandon and I should go.
When I get back to the cabin, my brother tells me he already planned to go with them and I wonder how in the hell him and Sadie are keeping this up. How he can sneak out with her at night and then watch her with Brice during the day. I’ve only kissed Charlotte twice in my whole life and I hate to even see her stand next to Alec.
Though I guess that’s probably because I hate him.
The next morning we get up and ready. Charlotte is outside working with her dad and I hear him yell, “God damn it!”
My head whips that direction. They’re over at one of the boats and I see Charlotte shake her head and bend to pick up a tool and then hand it to him. He puts it back to the boat and then drops it again. His back is to me so I can’t tell if he threw it down or what, but he looks pissed. He says something to Charlotte and then takes off toward the house.
Before I know it, I’m walking over to her. I’ve never heard him curse at her like that, but I don’t like it.
“What was that about?” I ask. Her face is a little pale when she looks at me. “Is he…he’s not violent with you is he?”
That snaps her out of her daze. “What? No! I don’t know what just happened. All he did was drop the wrench. He grabbed it, but dropped it again and then he got all pissed. He’s not usually like that at all.”
She’s watching the direction he went. I step toward her. “I’m sure he’s just having a bad day.” I pick up the wrench and then look at what he was trying to tighten. “I’ll help you.”
“Okay.” She smiles.
Charlotte and I are only there for about five minutes before all their friends show up. Brandon makes an appearance and we begin packing things into one of the other boats.
“I need to go change real quick.” Charlotte doesn’t wait for my reply befo
re heading for the house. All of the other girls are already in bikinis, some wearing short skirts over them and some not. I wonder what Charlotte’s going to wear. Last year I only saw her in her swimsuit a couple times, and it covered a whole lot of skin. It didn’t surprise me that she wasn’t the bikini type, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see her in one.
When she comes back, she’s wearing a white button up shirt, and a pair of shorts.
Damn. No answers yet.
We get out on the boat a few minutes later. Alec drives and that pisses me off, because it's totally rational that everything he does annoys the hell out of me, right? We go down the lake for a while before he pulls the boat up next to another set of docks. It’s way quieter out here without all the people from the cabins swimming and hanging around.
They turn on some music and people pull out beers and we’re all hanging out and having a good time. A little while later some people jump in the water. Alec, Sadie, Brandon, Mike, Danielle, and Brice are all swimming while me, Charlotte and two other people are on the boat.
“Nate! Go swimming with me!” Danielle calls from the water. “It’s fun!”
Guilt slithers its way through me and then I wonder what I have to feel guilty for. “Nah. I’m good for now.”
Looking over, I see that Charlotte is gone. I’m hoping like hell she’s decided it’s time to swim. Yeah, I seem to have a one track mind right now, but I’m sure every other guy here is glad to see all the girls in their bikinis.
I spot her sitting on the dock, wearing a white hat. Shaking my head, I walk over and sit next to her. “Why aren’t you swimming?”
“Why aren’t you swimming? Danielle wants to go with you.”
I lean over, right next to her ear. “Danielle’s not the girl I want out there with me.”
Charlotte shivers and I like that I can do that to her, so I speak again, so close to her. “Go swimming with me, Star Girl.”