by Nyrae Dawn
“I’m sorry for hurting you,” she says. Her eyes are red and her face is wet.
“Damn it.” My hand pushes through my hair and I duck into the alley next to us, Charlotte right behind me. “It’s been since August, Charlie! You could have explained a million times. I’m not stupid. I knew when I said we should try to be together that the odds were against us. Who the hell can make it last in a normal relationship, but we had distance, too. But I was willing to try. If you didn’t want to, all you had to do was tell me. It would have sucked, but I would have been okay. I’ve never lied to you. Even when we weren’t together and I went out with other girls I always told you—”
“—I didn’t lie to you, either! I’ve never lied to you! Alec kissed me, but it wasn’t him I wanted. I was caught off guard and then you showed up and all hell broke loose.”
“And if that was all there was to it, you would have told me then.”
I lean against the wall. I don’t want to fight with her. I’ve never wanted to fight with her.
“I would tell you in a second if I could, Nate, and you know that. It’s not my story to tell. This whole year I’ve spent trying to figure out my life. How to be who I am without you and without Alec or my dad.”
“And you lump me in with them? I’m the only one who ever pushed you to go for what you wanted.”
She groans. “That’s not what I meant. You’re trying to fight with me, Nate. That’s not why I messaged. I just want…I just…”
“You just what, Charlie?” It’s the second time I’ve called her that today. It feels strange. She’s always been Charlotte to me.
“I want out friendship back. I miss you. And I know it’s crazy and doesn’t make sense because you’re probably going off somewhere to school. I know you didn’t want to stay close to home and I’m going to be here, but it doesn’t change the fact that after everything, I at least want my friend back.”
My defenses are weakening, softening up with each of her words and I try to turn, but she steps in front of me the way I’ve done with her.
“I want to tell you about my year and explain how I ended up in New York and hear you talk about baseball and I want to look at the stars here with you. I want my friend…”
Her words echo through me. I study her face I know so well. The curves of her body, her hands that I’ve held and that anger is still filling me, but there’s something there pushing it aside.
I miss her.
I want our friendship back, too.
I’ve always wanted her.
I grab her hand and it’s a little awkward, but she doesn’t pull away. She’s breathing hard and all I can think is she’s still wild and crazy as always.
With my other hand I touch her hair and push it behind her ear. “I hate it. No one wrecks me the way you do, but I can’t help it. I miss you, too…”
The whole way home I’m still not sure I did the right thing. I wasn’t lying when I said she wrecked me because she did, but she’s also here and I never really expected her to be. I’ve given her so many of her firsts and she’s had so many of mine that I want this. I want to be the one to show her New York and pretend it’s the world.
I want to be with her when she looks at the stars in the city and see if she thinks they look any different than they do at home.
And I really, really need to stop dwelling over this.
I get home after six. Dad is there like he is most of the time now. Usually the only time off he takes is when we went to The Village every summer, so it’s crazy to see him at home so much and the way he takes care of Mom.
“I ordered pizza,” he tells me as I walk into the living room.
“Nah, I’m good. I already ate. Is Brandon here?” When Brandon’s in town he’s never usually home. He’s off doing whatever with whomever.
“Yeah, he’s upstairs in his room," Mom answers.
“Thanks.” Turning, I run upstairs, my tennis shoes slapping on the tiled floors.
About three seconds after I knock on Brandon’s door, he tells me to come in. The first thing I do is blurt out, “Charlotte and Alec are here.” Wow…way to freak out.
“What? Here?” Brandon pushes to his feet, looking even more tripped out than I feel. What the hell is up with that?
“Not at our house, dumbass. In New York. Why do you look like you’re going to puke? Your football buddy is here. And, you know, the guy who kissed Charlotte when I was with her.”
“You weren’t really with her,” Brandon tosses back.
“How do you know? It’s not like I ever told you anything. We were though.” In a way I feel like I’ve always been with her. It doesn’t make sense because she’s gone out with other guys and me with other girls, but even back then, I knew she was the one for me.
Brandon rolls his eyes. “Yeah, until you got home and realized your girlfriend lived a thousand miles away.”
My brother’s words light a fuse under my barely controlled anger. “Fuck you, bro. It was different with her. Just because you’ve never had anything serious with anyone—”
“Fuck you, too. You don’t know anything about what I have and haven’t had.” Brandon falls back into the chair at his computer desk, still looking a little sick. “And what does that even mean? Just yesterday I asked you if you loved her and you made it sound like she didn’t really matter that much.” His leg is bouncing up and down like it’s on crack.
“Why are we even fighting about this?”
“I don’t know, man. You started it.” Brandon shakes his head. “So…what are they doing here? Did she say anything? I mean, about what happened with her and Alec.”
Opening my mouth, I almost tell him nothing, but then figure it can’t be that bad to talk to him about something. “Kind of. She said she’s not with him and that she never was. She says he just kissed her, which is all stuff she said before. I know there’s more to it than that. Otherwise, things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did.”
Brandon looks at me, really looks like he wants to figure me out. We’re cool, but we’ve never been all that close so I wonder what he sees. Wonder why we don’t really know each other better.
“I believe her,” he says.
I shake my head. “You don’t know her.” Not that there isn’t this part of me who doesn’t know he’s right. I think that’s why I gave in today. Why I told her I want to take her to The Met tomorrow. It’s impossible to really tell her no to anything. “Regardless, I hate Alec and always will. If I see him, I can pretty much promise you I’m taking him out again.”
“But… What if…what if it wasn’t his fault?” Brandon asks. He has his cell in his hand and he’s screwing with it and not looking at me.
“How can it not be his fault? He kissed her, man.”
At that Brandon pushes to his feet. “You have a lot of growing up to do. Things aren’t always as simple as you think they are.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do? Says the guy who doesn’t care about anything but football and getting laid.”
Jerking Brandon’s door open, I slam it before going into my room and falling onto the bed. His words keep playing in my head. He believes her. That things aren’t always cut and dry as I think they should be. Just like that night with Chrissy, I didn’t think of the consequences of telling. Yeah, it was the right thing and I wouldn’t change that, but I never really thought about how it would affect anyone.
This is Charlotte. I know her. I do. And it’s never really fit. If Alec kissed her and she didn’t want to be kissed back, then what was the big secret behind it? That whole night has always been this strange clusterfuck that I can’t piece together to make sense of it.
But I know her.
My brother might be right in at least some ways. Charlotte wouldn’t lie to me. I feel that in every part of me.
Still don’t get why though.
And I can’t help but think my brother got a hell of a lot smarter all of a sudden. I wonder what else there is about him th
at I don’t know.
We stand at the bottom of the stairs, Charlotte’s eyes practically as big as the building in front of us. People are all around like they always are, sitting on the steps, walking on the street, and taking pictures. I try to see it through her eyes, for the first time with the oversized pillars and the intricate artwork on the upper ledge of the building, but I can’t really do it. Instead I just want to watch her soak it all in. Watch her and wonder what’s happened since I saw her last and then I get a little annoyed at myself for caring.
“It’s so…big.” Charlotte smiles and I can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah, you can say that.” Then we’re quiet and she’s still soaking it in. “It’s one of my favorite buildings in the city,” I tell her.
Charlotte turns to face me. “It is?”
“Yep.”
“I didn’t know that. Though why would I? It’s not like I know everything about you.”
She knows more than anyone else. “I don’t know everything about you, either.”
“Yes, you do.” Her answer is quick. “As much as someone can know about someone else.” Her words spark all kinds of questions, confusion and a little bit of anger. As if she can sense it, Charlotte changes the subject. “What’s your favorite part about it?”
“The small details.” I point to the top. “It’s simple in a way, not over done like a lot of buildings are, but it has those little pieces to it, those little extras that make it special.”
“Buildings are like your stars. I knew, but I’ve never seen it before.” There’s awe in her voice and in her green eyes that I don’t see or hear from anyone else.
“Yeah… I guess you can say that.”
“Can we go in?” she asks and I suddenly can’t wait to show it to her.
“Come on.” Reflex makes me reach for her hand, but I jerk back before I touch her. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything.
We go inside and Charlotte looks even more amazed than she did standing at the bottom of the stairs. Pictures are on the walls and pieces displayed everywhere. Charlotte leads the way; excited in a way I don’t remember seeing when we were at The Village. It’s a different part of her here, one who is more unsure than she was at home, but eager and anxious to figure it all out.
You wouldn’t think so, but it’s kind of hot. It surprises me that as many times as I’ve seen her and everything we’ve experienced together that there is so much more out there to do.
“Don’t they do lectures and stuff like that too?” she asks.
“For sure. Wanna go to one?”
“Oh my God! Yes!” She moves like she’s going to hug me, but just like I did with her hand earlier, she pulls back.
I just want to put it out there. Ask what the fuck happened to us and how we can get it back.
“Are we going or what?” She smirks, breaking the ice.
To hell with it. Putting my arm around her shoulders, I say, “I don’t remember you being this pushy… Oh, wait. That’s a lie. I do.”
“Nate!” Charlotte tries to pull away, pretending she’s mad, but I hold onto her and keep her close.
“It’s a good thing to always tell the truth, right?” I tease again.
Charlotte crosses her arms. “I don’t remember you being so mean. Oh, wait. Yeah I do.”
We laugh as we keep walking and then we’re not laughing and her head’s on my shoulder and all I can think is it feels like it did at the beginning of every summer. Like it always has. Fuck, I missed this girl.
“So...how ‘bout that Eros, huh?”
Charlotte rolls her eyes.
“You have to admit it’s kind of crazy. I definitely didn’t expect a lecture on Eros, God of Love.” Though maybe I should have.
The sun burns my eyes when we step outside again.
“Why not? What’s wrong with it?”
“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. Did you like it?”
Charlotte stops and looks at me, into me. “I loved it.”
What is it about her that turns me so inside out? My hands itch to grab her, to pull her to me and kiss her and talk the way I only do with her. “I’m glad.”
“Nate—”
“—Come on. I’ll get you back to your hotel.”
Charlotte nods.
“Subways are so cool,” she says as we sit inside.
That makes me laugh. “If you say so. I’m sure most of us could think of a few other words for them.”
Charlotte watches everyone, her eyes never staying still for very long. I have to remind her to get off when it’s our stop. Her hotel isn’t a long walk from the subway, and when we get there, I pause her before she goes inside.
“If Alec is here, it’s probably not a good idea if I go up there.” It’s not a good idea regardless.
Sadness dims her eyes. “Nate… I need to know you believe me. Alec doesn’t like me like that and even if he did…it’s never been him for me. It never will be.”
I’m not sure if it’s smart, but my reply is automatic and honest. “I do. I believe you. It doesn’t mean I’m not pissed, because I am. I wish you could trust me with the truth.”
“I do. You know I trust you with everything. It’s just not my truth to tell.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I deserve some answers.” She opens her mouth to reply, but I continue. “I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m here, Charlotte. That means something. Today was…”
“Perfect,” she fills in the blank.
It wasn’t. I know that and she knows that, but I can’t deny her reply either. It’s like that with us. Imperfections are still perfect. Just being with her is.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning, okay? We’ll do Times Square.”
Charlotte replies with a nod.
I wonder why I haven’t told her I’m going to Columbia. That we’ll only be an hour and a half train ride from each other. Reaching out, I touch her hair. “I’m glad you’re here, Star Girl.”
Pulling my hand back, I turn and walk away.
I’m exhausted from taking the train into the city again. I don’t know how Dad does it, but it’s worth it because I still can’t believe Charlotte is here.
She’s waiting outside her hotel when I get there. I have to do a double take because, standing there, she looks more like the Charlotte I remember than she did yesterday. For the first time, I see her legs again, all smooth and tanned in the jean shorts she’s wearing.
And a tank top. I love her tank tops. It’s yellow just like the swimming suit from the first summer and the bikinis from our second and third. It’s a stupid thing to remember. I’d probably be embarrassed if it was anyone but her.
“Hey.”
She’s smiling so big that it takes everything inside me not to kiss her.
“Hi.”
“You ready?” I ask.
“Yep.”
We take another subway ride and walk to Times Square.
I almost never come here. If people think the city is busy, they've never visited Times Square. Tourists everywhere and so many people it’s almost impossible to breathe.
“Holy crap, it’s crazy here.” Her voice is a little unsure, so I grab her hand.
“I got you. You have to learn to shove your way through.”
I make way for both of us as we work through the throng of people. It’s loud and there are lights everywhere even though it’s daytime. I should have taken her at night, so she could see even better how it lit up. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that.
We watch the screens and go into shops and stores. Charlotte asks questions, reminding me how she likes to know so much about everything. And still, we’ve hardly seen half of it.
“How far is Central Park?” she asks.
“You wanna go? We can. That’s why I came early today. There’s still stuff to see here, too.” It’s only noon right now so we have some time.
“I’ve always wanted to see Central Park,” she says.
I didn’t know that about her. “Yeah. Let’s do it. We won’t be able to see the whole thing, but we have some time.”
We head toward Central Park. The whole time I’m wondering if she thinks some parts of it will remind her of home. If that’s why she wants to see it so badly.
When we get there, we grab some food at a little stand before walking into one of the huge grassy areas. We sit on the ground and she crosses her legs, taking a bite of her sandwich. “I think I could live here,” she finally says.
“You’re going to in a couple months, right?” It’s still crazy for me to think about.
“Yeah, but I mean here. In the park. It’s amazing, Nate.”
“Eh. Probably not a good idea to live here, but you’re going to freak out when you see the rest of it.”
Charlotte watches a bike go by before saying. “Dad’s been paying me a little and I’ve done some odd jobs. I’ve been saving up since last summer for this trip. Well, I guess I didn’t know what it was for at the time, but I was putting money away for something. I can’t believe I’m really here.”
“I can’t believe you are, either. How’d it all come about? Going to school here and stuff?”
She sets her sandwich down and lies down on her back. “I wish it was nighttime. Most of our talks are under the stars.”
I don’t know what makes me do it, but I lay down next to her, leaning on my elbow. “Close your eyes and pretend.” Lightly I set my hand over her eyes. Her lashes brush my palm, so I pull away. It’s such a little thing, but I love how she trusts me, even in something as simple as this.
“I’m scared to mention it because everything came about after that night,” her voice whispers.
A fist tightens around my chest, but I ignore it. “You can tell me anything, Star Girl. You know that. That’s why I don’t understand—”
Her eyes jerk open. “It’s not me. I would tell you if it was.”
“So tell me the rest.”
She closes her eyes again. “I missed you so much, Nate. It was different than when you left all the other years. Even though I never really knew if you’d come back, I had hope. I was so scared you hated me.”