by S. L. Scott
I grab her, squeezing her against my body, one last time to appreciate all that is Mallory. This one last time I sense my heart will be whole.
Muffled in my shirt, she says, “So here we are at the scene of the crime.”
So much for hoping she doesn’t think about how we met. But I have to say, the only reason I’m not ashamed of my behavior that day is that it actually worked and brought me and Mallory together.
I kiss the top of her head, and whisper, “You can trust me, baby. Will you?”
“I already do.”
I exhale in relief.
“Evan?”
“Yes,” I reply, holding her tightly to me, how she should always be.
She sighs. “You told me to trust you, but don’t rely on—”
“You can rely on me.”
“I know I can now.” She smiles and I see the glorious trust she’s given me reflected in her eyes. Glancing over her shoulder at the growing security line, she says, “Guess I should go?” It’s more of a question than a statement.
I feel her relax into me again, her arms tightening this time. “This is goodbye.”
Closing my eyes, I tilt my head into her hair, holding the inevitable tears back. My voice is weak, so I only nod.
“Flight 2678 to Denver Colorado is now boarding at gate 9.”
“That’s me,” she says, letting her tears fall without care as all her stubborn strength leaves her. She gives in to what we both feel, weakening, her shoulders slumping as she begins to cry.
I quickly take her face in my hands, maybe too aggressively, but I’m panicked and need to try one last time. “Don’t leave me. I can’t… I need you. I love you, Mallory.”
Tears streak her pretty face, coloring her cheeks in red, sadness settling into her eyes. I kiss her. I kiss her for her sake and I kiss her selfishly for my own. My tongue mingles with hers knowing this is it. Is this, it it? Or is it, just for now it? I’m so freaked out I don’t realize how hard I’m squeezing her, holding her captive to me.
“Baby…” She cries and then as if sounding out each word for herself, she whispers, “I have to leave.”
Her wet lids and lashes lift to reveal those eyes that mean the world to me, but are now colored in pain. A small smile crosses her face finally reaching her eyes and she says, “You didn’t look away from me once. I saw at least four ‘next opportunities’ walk by and you didn’t even notice them.” She giggles as if she just realized how much she means to me, realizing how much I love her.
“Why would I ever look at anyone else when I have you?”
As she holds my hand, she holds my complete attention as well. “I love you. I’ll always love you, Evan. Carry that in your heart,” she says, tapping her palm on my chest.
I need to say her name so she understands the importance of my words. “I love you, Mallory. You’re the only thing in my life worth living for and I will never hurt you.”
“Flight 2678 to Denver Colorado is now boarding at gate 9.”
She bends down taking her carry-on bag in hand and I take her other hand, walking the last ten feet with her, it feeling much like what I imagine a death row march feels like.
When she turns to go, I jerk her back, hastily dipping her and kiss her hard, for my own selfish needs, for her, and for everyone to see.
Movies, books, daydreams… girls dream of moments like this and I want to give her a moment that she’ll remember for the rest of her life. I plan to make many more memories with her, but this is how I want to send her back to Colorado.
I keep my lips on hers as long as I can as my thumb rubs over the new ring I gave her. When I lift her back up, she looks a bit dazed. Bending my head to the side, I give her the smile that was created only for her.
She stares into my eyes, mumbling something incoherently while pointing over her shoulder.
I nod, taking a step back from the security line. She walks backward, and with a small wave of her fingers, she turns and walks away, leaving me standing there alone.
I watch as she goes through security. Once on the other side, she glances back only once. We lock eyes and in that moment, I let her go. I have to, to protect myself. She leaves me there with an empty chest, my heart deciding long ago that it belonged to her, with her, and there it remains leaving with her.
A cold wind blows as I walk to the car, abnormal for this time of year, but the universe understands loss and devastation, and responds accordingly.
Shoving my hands in my pockets, my head lowers, feeling a new burden replacing the one I carried for years. This is the first time I’ve been worried about anything in a while and it’s unsettling the way it has taken hold of me.
Inside my car, her scent surrounds me. I close my eyes and allow myself to enjoy it because I know the scent will fade soon. Remembering that she’s wearing my ring on her left hand ring finger makes me smile and I let that feeling tide me over for the time being.
49
Evan
Mallory landed in Denver three days ago. Her parents picked her up from the airport and she is staying with them this week. Sunny also flew back yesterday to visit her family before the fall semester starts.
Because our girls are gone, this might explain how Zach and I ended up with a box of tissues on the coffee table and “Titanic” on the TV in the middle of the afternoon. I put the bottle of Jack straight to my lips, not worried about etiquette and not caring since I’m not sharing the bottle anyway. I take another shot, thinking this is the third, but it could’ve been more.
Going through his own form of alcohol therapy since Sunny left, Zach has built a beer can pyramid that I must admit is quite impressive.
“What’s up, dudes?” Murphy bellows as he walks in the front door with my sister in tow.
Neither of us bother replying, finding the love story unfolding on the TV before us more interesting.
Kate walks over, smacks the back of my head, and says, “I’ve been missing you, baby bro. You still sulking over Mal leaving?” She ruffles my hair, which pisses me off.
I shrug her off and don’t bother answering. I take another swig instead, sticking to my drowning my sorrows away philosophy.
“Dad wants you back in Manhattan sooner. I’ve booked your flight. You’ve got two days until we leave,” Kate states.
I sit up, surprised. “I can’t! Zach and I already have plans.”
“What plans… Dude! That was totally uncalled for,” Zach says, taking the couch pillow I just threw at his head and tucking it behind him.
“Get over it. It’s a fucking pillow, brah. And we’ve made plans,” I say, winking at him, hoping he’s onboard with my scheme.
When I glance at Kate, she crosses her arms and arches an eyebrow at me. “You’re going. We have a lot to look over before the board meeting and those files are kept at the office.” She starts walking away, pulling Murphy behind her. “It’s only a few days earlier than you planned, so suck it up. You’re going.” Her voice trails off as they walk down the hall away from us.
“Your sister scares me sometimes,” Zach says, eyes still focused on the TV.
“She scares me too, but I can’t let her know or she’ll use it to her advantage.”
“Two days, Evan. We’ve got two days… what should we do? It should be something big to end the summer off in the most epic way possible.” Zach sits up as if he’s plotting the greatest plan ever. His fingers tap against each other and then the light bulb goes off. “Cliff-diving!”
“We’ve done it before.”
“Two words, dude. Spinning. Caves.” He jumps to his feet with a burst of excitement. “We’ve done the sissy cliffs. We’ve talked about jumping Spinning Caves for years. We’ve gotta do it. What better way to send you off into the real world than to get a fucking adrenaline rush like that?”
“Uh, I can think of lots of ways, like sitting my ass right here on this couch and watching this fucking chick flick. I’ve never seen the ending—”
“No,
we’re doing this and it’s fucking “Titanic.” The ship sinks and almost everyone dies.” He clicks the TV off. “The fucking end. Now get your ass up and let’s do this.”
“You suck balls, brah. Ruining a perfectly good movie like that.” I sit up, taking this Spinning Caves jump into consideration. “So if we do the jump, we probably shouldn’t do it after drinking liquor. A lot can go wrong and it’s getting kind of late.”
“Where’s your sense of adventure? Where has Evan fucking Ashford gone?” He shakes his head in disappointment. “It’s now or never, man. And, I vote for right the fuck now!”
“Sense of adventure? Evan fucking Ashford? What the fuck are you talking about, Z? It’s suicide to hit it after drinking.” I pause in momentary thought, more tempted than I should. Glaring at him, I see a passion in his eyes that I haven’t felt for anything other than Mallory in forever. Standing up, I say, “Fuck it, let’s go!” I put my hand out and he shakes it, doing the ritual we’ve done since we were sixteen.
As Zach drives to Spinning Caves, I notice the sun setting in the distance. We have at least ten minutes left in the car and I don’t know if we’ll make it before dark.
My voice of reason, my more sane side, finally decides to verbalize its presence. “We can’t do this in the dark.”
“We’ll make it, but you can’t pussy foot it. We have to go for it. Don’t over think this.”
We’re quiet for the remaining time in the car, lost in our own thoughts. I realize after a minute or two that he shouldn’t even be driving much less cliff diving. By the time he’s parking the car, all that fades into the background and a different fear starts to make itself known. Zach gets out of the car without hesitation and I follow though I’m hesitant.
He’s pumped and turns to look over his shoulder at me trailing behind him. “Don’t chicken out.”
“I won’t. I’ve got your back.”
He nods knowing I won’t let him do this by himself. That’s not what friends do. I’ll go, but it’s against my better judgment.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and quickly answer when I see the name on the caller ID. “Hey, baby.”
“I was thinking about you and wanted to call,” Mallory says, making my heart ache at the sound of her voice.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about you, but Zach and I are about to…” I don’t finish telling her because I have a strong feeling she won’t be too pleased to hear about the insanity that’s about to go down.
“Hello?”
“I’m still here,” I say, walking a little bit faster. Zach tosses his shirt and keys to the side. “Mallory, I need to let you go. Zach is about to do something that I probably shouldn’t let him do. I’ll call you back in a bit, okay?”
“Oh okay,” she sounds sad. “I was calling to tell you I’ve been missing you—”
Unfortunately this is bad timing, her words becoming background to the madness playing out in front of me. With minutes before the sun drops completely below the horizon he takes off running and yells, “It’s now or never, E! Cowabunga!”
“Oh shit!” I toss my phone down and take off running after him. He’s over the edge in the blink of an eye and hits the water as my feet leave the safety of the earth. Zach is a strong swimmer, but I’m stronger even with alcohol in my system.
As I fly through the air, the sickness of the fall settles at the bottom of my stomach and images of Mallory flood my thoughts. This is the stupidest thing I’ve done in a long time. Putting everything, my life included, at risk when I have Mallory in my life makes no sense.
I crash into the choppy ocean and water fills my senses, ears and nose, engulfing me whole. I’ve always found comfort in the water, but right now the jagged cliffs I know are ahead of me become my sole focus. I break the surface and gasp for a large breath just as the water throws me toward a cliff wall. Right when I’m about to hit, the water drags me unwillingly back under as the tide returns me to sea.
My instincts kick in and I fight for my life with each strong stroke I take, hoping Zach is doing the same.
The waves work in my favor, forcing me forward again. A piercing stab to my side wracks my body as I’m pummeled into the jagged coastline. An ache signals I’ve been cut, a familiar feeling from surfing when I hit the reef, but I can’t worry with that. I need to find my way to the shore. Before the ocean drags me out for another round, I grab hold of a lower ledge and secure myself to it.
“Fuck!” I yell at the top of my lungs as I climb up, finding my footing on the rough rocks. When I get to the top, I call out, “Zach?”
“Ev—” I hear a faint response comes echoing in the wind.
The moon has risen high enough in the sky to light the cliffs around us. I spot Zach about thirty feet away, climbing up the side of the lower cliffs edge. He points toward an area that’s around the curved wall of rock and just beyond him.
Following Zach’s lead, I make my way over to the beach then drop down into the sand spread eagle and exhausted.
“Dude, you made it,” he says, crashing down in the sand nearby.
“Fuck you, Zach,” I say, raising my hand in the air and flipping the bird. “You’re insane.”
“C’mon, that was awesome and you know it. You’ll thank me tomorrow.”
“You suck cock and I’ll never thank you for scaring the shit out of me.”
“You needed it. That was better than an orgasm.”
“You’re sleeping with the wrong girl then.”
He laughs. “You know that was perfection. Life teetering on the edge like that.”
“I hate you.” I don’t really, but I am pissed as all get out. “Don’t talk to me right now.”
“Evan, you’ll go to New York and conquer the shit out of it because you fucking cliff dived Spinning Caves at night! Now you can do anything.”
“So this was a lame lesson to teach me to live life to the fullest?”
He’s up and standing over me, with an outstretched hand. I accept his offer then yank him into the sand next to me, and threaten, “Don’t pull that shit again, Zach. We could’ve died out there. And as of late, I’ve got a lot to live for.” I jump to my feet and start walking to the car, which is parked up the hill. Once there, I grab my phone from a small patch of grass, thankful it landed there. It’s scratched to hell, but it works.
Running up the hill behind me, he gets his shirt and keys and heads to the car.
When I get in the car, I say, “The next two days better be a lot calmer than this, brah. That’s all I’m saying.”
“No worries.” He laughs, starting the engine. “At least you’re not sulking anymore.”
Once home, I drop my wet clothes on the bathroom floor and start the shower. I clean up quickly and dry off. With a towel wrapped around my waist, I sit on the edge of the tub and call Mallory.
She sounds like I woke her up, but there’s a panic to her tone. “Evan? What happened?”
“Baby,” I whisper, lowering my head into my hand. “I did something stupid. I’m sorry—”
“What?” Her panic takes over. “What do you mean?”
“No, no. I meant I’m sorry for hanging up on you,” I say.
I hear her exhale. “What happened?”
I’m still pissed at myself and Zach for pulling that stunt. “Let’s just say today put a lot of things in perspective.” I look myself in the mirror, and say, “I can’t wait until I move to Colorado.”
50
Evan
The next morning, I hit the waves early at sunrise, finding peace in the ocean—only me and my board. It was supreme. Alone, setting my mind at ease, and preparing to leave my paradise for the city again.
By lunchtime, I’m home and starting the packing process. I don’t have to pack much because I have a wardrobe in Manhattan and walking around Manhattan in board shorts tends to be frowned upon. Ms. Chart folds the few shirts and shorts I can’t live without. She’s a sentimental, so I know her offer came as a way
to spend time together. I’ll miss her. We’ve always been close and I know she’s struggling with the impending goodbye. Honestly, I am too.
“I’m only taking one suitcase. I have enough clothes to get me by for some a while and I might get some new suits made anyway.”
“I’m sure you’ll look very handsome. You always do,” she says, concentrating really hard on folding the t-shirt in front of her. “How does Mallory feel about your decision?”
There’s something about Ms. Chart that lets me relax. I don’t have to put on pretenses or hide my true emotions. She’s a safe place for me and I think I might miss that the most. “I don’t think she’s happy about it, but she wouldn’t come right out and say that. I’ve shared a few stories before I knew I was going back. Maybe I shouldn’t have because now I can tell she’s not comfortable with the idea.”
I walk to my underwear drawer and pull five or six pairs. As I carry them to the case opened up on the mattress, an envelope drops to the floor at my feet. Bending down, I take the letter in hand, examining it by turning it over, and smile seeing Mallory’s handwriting.
“Will going to New York cause problems between you and Mallory?” she asks.
Sitting down on the bed, I hold the letter tighter than I should, but needing that link. “She’s knows the deal. We’ve talked about it. The only thing that Mallory is concerned with when it comes to me being in New York is my mom’s inane lack of understanding regarding our relationship. Look at the damage she caused at the party. I’m damn lucky I had the chance to work it out.”
“I like Mallory.” Ms. Chart stands, hugging me to her. “Don’t screw it up. She’s a keeper. And remember, if you don’t treat her right, someone else will.” Walking to the door, she stops, and with her signature kind smile, she says, “Evan, I love you. Be who you are, not who they want you to be.” She exits quickly knowing that is probably not what my parents would condone her saying.