Off the Air (Running on Air Book 1)

by L.H. Cosway

  “I think they’re my spirit animal,” Paul said, still talking about elephants. “There’s just something so soulful about them. When they pass by a place where one of their loved ones died, they stop and observe a few minutes of silence. Such noble creatures.”

  “My spirit animal is a dolphin,” Michaela said, turning around in her seat to face us. “If they sense a person is sad, they’ll play with them to try and cheer them up. Like, I can’t even with that.”

  Paul nodded. “Dolphins are considered to be the empaths of the animal kingdom.”

  “It’s my dream to swim with them one day.” Michaela glanced at me. “What’s your spirit animal, Leanne?”

  “I don’t know. A honey badger?”

  Paul chuckled. “Oh yeah, I can definitely see that.”

  “Hey, it’s not just because they’re violent psychopaths,” I joked. “They’re also notoriously inventive escape artists. I saw a video where these people were trying to keep a honey badger trapped in an enclosure, but he kept finding new ways to escape. They thought if they got him a girlfriend, he’d be happy to stay put and mate, but when they put a female in the two of them just teamed up together to escape.”

  Neil, who was sitting next to Michaela, laughed. “That’s pretty badass, but I think you’re more of an arctic fox.”

  I shot him a quizzical look. “Why’s that?”

  “They’re survivors. They’re also small and cute.”

  “Aww! Leanne, the cute little fox,” Paul cooed and pinched my cheek. I swiped his hand away. Paul gave Neil a considering look. “You’d be a beaver since you’re such a hard worker.”

  Neil shot him a lopsided smile. “I’ll take that as a compliment…I think.”

  “They build dams. That’s pretty admirable.”

  “They’re still rodents,” Neil said.

  “What about you?” Paul called over to James, who was sitting across the aisle.

  He pulled out his earbud. “What?”

  “Your spirit animal. What would it be?”

  James’ face said, you’re interrupting my audiobook for this? “I have no idea.”

  “He’s definitely a lion,” Michaela blurted. By the look on her face, she hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

  James’ attention went to her, a hint of a smile shaping his lips while she looked anywhere but at him.

  I decided to save her from further scrutiny, interjecting, “James is more of a grizzly bear.”

  “No way,” Paul argued. “If anyone’s a grizzly, it’s Callum. They’re all attack first, think later. You know, big hot-tempered bastards. Total Callum Davidson.”

  “Who’s talking about me?” Cal shouted from the back of the minivan.

  I wondered if grizzlies also had the uncanny ability to hear their name being said while wearing headphones.

  “Your spirit animal is a grizzly bear. It’s been decided,” Paul replied.

  “Fuck yeah, it is.” Cal seemed pleased with this, unaware of the reason why Paul chose the animal to describe him. Personally, I saw him more like a black panther; beautiful, sleek, stealthy in their attack.

  “What about me?” Trev asked, the conversation catching his interest too.

  “You’re a chimpanzee, definitely,” James said.

  Trev grinned. “I always considered myself a Jack Russell Terrier on account of my habit for humping people’s legs.”

  “Please send Reya my condolences,” Paul deadpanned.

  “No need. She loves it,” Trev replied cheekily.

  It was late evening when we arrived at the game reserve, and one of those open-air buses was waiting for us. A tour guide talked about how this was the fifth largest reserve in all of South Africa, and how we might spot some of the Big Five: lions, rhinos, buffalos, leopards, and elephants. Paul gave a little hoot at the mention of the latter, and I couldn’t help smiling at his excitement. He was like a kid on Christmas morning when it came to elephants.

  I took a seat in front of Cal and twisted around to eye him. “Why did you post that picture of us?”

  He turned his attention from the scenery to me. “I like it.”

  “I look like a sweaty mess. Please take it down.”

  Of course, that wasn’t the real reason. In fact, most of the time I could give a shit if I looked bad in pictures. I didn’t owe it to anyone to be pretty. I just didn’t want to think about all of Cal’s million-plus followers scrutinizing his reasons for posting it, the same as they’d done when he commented on my selfie with Paul the other week. I also didn’t want anyone at the network getting the wrong idea. Though ironically, I was the one they had to worry about, since Cal had proven he could say no when I offered him sex, even with a throbbing erection in his pants.

  Okay, so maybe I was still a little sore about the rejection. “I thought we agreed not to play any more games.”

  “We did, but I’m not playing games. Like I said, I like the picture, so I posted it,” he said evenly.

  Feeling grumpy, I turned back around and refocused on the tour guide. A little while later we saw a giant herd of antelope running in the distance. They were fawn coloured, majestic looking creatures with large horns.

  A warm hand squeezed my shoulder before Cal leaned in, his breath tickling my ear. “Look,” he whispered and pointed to a spot in the distance. At first, I couldn’t make it out, but then I saw something spotted and furry move along a fallen tree trunk. The leopard came into view and I caught my breath. This wasn’t like when you saw exotic animals at the zoo, bored and depressed. This was a predator in its natural habitat, and I couldn’t look away.

  “Ladies and gentleman, if I could direct your attention to our left,” the tour guide said excitedly, pointing out the leopard. “You’re very lucky today. Leopards are endangered and not many of our visitors get to see them in the wild.”

  It didn’t come very close to the bus, but for a second I could’ve sworn it looked right at me before it disappeared off behind the trees. Maybe I just wasn’t around nature often enough, but something about its wildness completely enthralled me. I suddenly realised it was the same fascination I’d felt for Cal in the beginning. He was an untamed, wild, unpredictable thing that I willingly let devour me, body and soul. Not only that, I wanted to be devoured.

  It dawned on me that my addiction to risk wasn’t just about challenging myself physically. I was also addicted to emotional risk, and that was why Cal and I had so many ups and downs. A deeply-seated, unconscious part of me craved the thrill and excitement of breaking up and getting back together. That’s why I offered him sex the other night. My risk-seeking emotions were ready to repeat the cycle.

  I was the problem.

  And I needed to break the cycle.

  The tour was almost over when we saw a herd of elephants far in the distance. The sun was setting, casting a low golden light over the enormous creatures. Paul almost lost his shit, snapping pictures and commenting on how beautiful they were. He was too adorable sometimes.

  At the end of the tour, I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see a lion, but I still couldn’t get the leopard out of my head, nor the personal revelations it brought on.

  It was easy to point out flaws in others, but less so when they were your own.

  I tried to quit agonising and focus on the fact that we were spending the night at a five-star luxury lodge. The building looked to be built from stone with a thatched roof, the front all lit up with torches. Two women dressed in hotel uniforms stood by the front door to welcome us.

  They gave us the guided tour, and I had to admit the place was impressive. There was a porch that wrapped around the entire building, and each bedroom opened up onto a view of the reserve beyond. There were even private outdoor showers and baths.

  “You might catch a glimpse of the giraffes if you wake up early enough in the morning,” one of the women said. “They often pass by this way.”

  “Uh, I have a question,” Trev said. “Why haven’t we be
en staying here the entire time?”

  “Because today was a treat. Tomorrow it’s back to the grind,” Barry was all too happy to inform him.

  Michaela and I were sharing a room, and I couldn’t wait until morning so that I could see the view in all its glory. We took turns showering before heading out onto the porch where dinner was being served. I felt like I was in some romance movie from the eighties starring Kathleen Turner. Well, minus the romance.

  Everyone was seated by the time we arrived, and the food was just about to be served. Cal sat directly across from me again, and I noticed he’d showered too, his hair still damp. He’d changed into a white shirt that emphasised the colour in the tattoos on his neck. He caught me staring, and I looked away. Heat claimed my cheeks, so I concentrated on the server who held up a bottle of wine.

  “Would you like to taste the wine, sir?” he asked Cal, who nodded and took a sip, then announced, “Yep, it’s a red.”

  I bit back a laugh as the server frowned then went ahead and filled everyone’s glasses.

  We were served a soup starter and the main was a curry dish called Bobotie that reminded me a little of a spicy Moussaka.

  “Well, I don’t know about you lot, but I for one can’t wait to shower bare arse nekkid outdoors tomorrow morning,” Trev announced.

  “No better way to greet the day,” Paul chuckled.

  “Ugh, you’ve just put me right off my food,” Cal added with a laugh.

  “Just make sure none of the other guests have a view of you,” Barry warned from the far end of the table where he, Linda, and Ken were discussing plans for the next day of filming. “I don’t want a public indecency suit on my hands.”

  “If anyone cops a look at my fun and frolics, it’s their own fault for spying in the first place,” Trev replied.

  It took me a second to translate his cockney slang. Then I grimaced. “Nice visual.”

  Trev shot me an offended look. “Well, quit visualising, you dirty bird.”

  I shook my head, half tempted to flick some of my Bobotie at him. When the main course was finished, dessert was brought out, a type of sponge pudding with cream sauce. Just like everything else, it was delicious.

  There was a clink of cutlery on glass before Trev stood to address the table, “Well, since I have you all here, there’s actually something I’ve wanted to share. I was going to wait until we were home, but now seems like as good a time as any.”

  “If you say you’re quitting the show, I’ll lose my shit right here right now,” Paul teased.

  “I’m not quitting the show,” Trev said. A big grin slowly spread across his face. “It’s about Reya and me. We’re going to have a baby.”

  “What? You’re serious?” Paul said with a wide smile

  “That’s great news!” James stood to go and pull Trev into a hug. “I’m made up for you.”

  Slowly, everyone stood to congratulate Trev. I thought I was the only one still sitting, but then I noticed Cal sat deathly still across from me. Our eyes met, and in them I saw my own pain reflected back. A thousand words were exchanged in that one look.

  Cal’s throat moved as he swallowed. He seemed to steel himself, then finally pushed up from his seat to go and tell Trev congratulations. I didn’t have his strength, and although I really was happy for Trev and Reya, I just didn’t have it in me to go to him. Instead I slunk away from the table like a ghost.

  All things considered, I’d been having an okay day, but those few words from Trev plunged me right back into the abyss. My stomach twisted. I felt ill, feelings and memories I normally did so well to repress rising to the surface.

  Stumbling through the lodge, I found the bar where a number of guests were having drinks. I scanned the liquor options as a barman appeared to take my order. “Would it be possible to have a bottle of tequila and some glasses sent to my room?”

  I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to sit at a bar while the staff watched in disapproval as I drank myself into a stupor.

  “Yes, of course. If you could just provide your room number, I’ll take care of that right away.”

  I mustered a smile I didn’t feel. “Perfect. Thanks.”

  Back in my room, it only took a few minutes for my bottle to arrive. A youngish guy in a polo shirt handed me a tray and I tipped him handsomely. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I didn’t even bother with the glasses and instead drank right from the bottle. I heard some shuffling at the door and remembered Michaela and I were sharing.

  I made a dash for the door that led outside and closed it behind me, then walked out to the edge of the patio and sat down. The quiet darkness that surrounded me soothed my deafening thoughts. I took a long gulp and it burned my oesophagus all the way down. I kept going, drinking to kill the memories.

  I looked up at the sky. There was even less light pollution out here than at the house back in Johannesburg. I could see so many stars, sparkling like jewels in the dark. Andromeda was the clearest I’d ever seen it. In a place like this, there was no need for telescopes.

  In mythology, Andromeda was the daughter of Cassiopeia and Cepheus, the king and queen of Aethopia. In her vanity, Cassiopeia declared herself more beautiful than the daughters of the sea god, Nereus. To punish her for this, Poseidon chained Andromeda to a rock on the coast so that she could be eaten by a sea monster. But then she was rescued by Perseus, slayer of monsters. They got married and lived happily ever after. When Andromeda died, Athena placed her in the sky where she would be immortalised in the stars…

  Now, why couldn’t I be rescued by some noble warrior hero? Instead I was being slowly eaten alive by the sea monster of my own devising.

  “Leanne,” a voice called.

  I stood up and turned around, the tequila sloshing around in the bottle. “I spoke too soon! Here comes Perseus now to save me.”

  Cal appeared out of the darkness, his expression stern. “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “Nothing. Leave me alone.” I slumped back down onto the patio.

  Cal lowered himself to sit beside me. “I searched the entire lodge for you.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why did you leave? Trev’s worried he upset you.”

  “It’s not his fault. He can’t help if I’m a mess.”

  Wordlessly, Cal wrapped his arm around me, and I welcomed the comfort, even if I knew I shouldn’t. He pulled me close and I rested my head on his shoulder. He took the bottle and swallowed a long gulp. The sounds of the South African night echoed around us, punctuating our own silence.

  I broke it when I asked, “Do you think this ever gets any easier?”

  Cal took a moment to answer. When he did, his voice was raw in a way I’d only heard a few times. “I honestly don’t think so. People say grief evolves and changes, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. So far, it’s never been anything but a gut punch.”

  He’d literally just articulated everything I felt in words I’d never been able to find for myself.

  “Maybe everyone’s just lying,” I said, my voice flat.

  I was a different person since we lost the baby, we both were, and I wondered if we’d been more careful, if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, would Cal and I still be together now? Would I have pushed him away like I did, or would we have had some version of a happily ever after?

  We were quiet again, sitting there, Cal with his arm around me. I guess it was true that misery loved company because mine seemed to revel in the fact that there was someone here to share it. It stretched out its tendrils and latched on. I gazed out at the reserve, the darkness was so vast it was eerie. I tried to see all the things that I knew were lurking nearby.

  A jolt hit me when I saw a flicker of something, like the reflective lens of a cat’s eye glimmering in the dark. But these eyes were too big to belong to your average house cat.

  Okay, the tequila was officially playing tricks on me.

  “Did you see that?” I asked, a tremor in my voice.

  “W
hat?” Cal asked low.

  I frowned, peering out, forcing my eyes to see. “I think there’s something out there.”

  “We’re in the middle of an African plain. There are a lot of things out there, Leanne.”

  “M-maybe we should go inside,” I said, wobbling as I tried to stand.

  Cal stood and grabbed my elbows to steady me, his eyes holding mine. They were green, so beautifully vibrant, and all I saw in them was care and concern.

  I didn’t deserve it. No matter how difficult he could be, I was the one who’d brought this pain on us. I was the one who’d been careless, who hadn’t paid enough attention to my own body to know something was different, who’d taken a risk. And afterward, when Cal needed emotional support just as much as I did, I’d been the one who pushed him away.

  Seventeen

  Leanne

  The need to vomit woke me up.

  Michaela was sleeping soundly next to me in the giant bed. Careful not to wake her, I pushed the covers off and ran across the suite before locking myself in the bathroom. My knees hit the cold tiled floor milliseconds before I emptied my guts right into the toilet bowl.

  Ugh.

  This is what happens when you drink an entire bottle of Tequila, you stupid little fucker.

  I mentally berated myself while my body did its best to purge everything inside.

  I kept thinking this had to be the last heave, but my body kept going, like it knew what I’d put in there was poison and it wanted everything out. Tears streamed down my face as I shivered, waves of nausea rippling through me. There had never been a more pathetic sight than me slumped on the bathroom floor of a five-star lodge praying to whatever all-seeing being was up there to make this stop.

  Maybe the moon was God and the stars its angels, my still drunk brain mused before my body heaved again. I was sick of doing this to myself, sick of wallowing in self-hatred and regret. It needed to stop and I needed to quit using alcohol as a crutch. The same thing happened when my sister Lorna announced she was having my nephew. I’d spiralled then too. Was I going to break down every time someone close to me got pregnant?

  I couldn’t live like that.