by Amy Clipston
“I feel the same way.” He settled back on the seat, and she snuggled against him before resting her head on his shoulder. When she released his hand, he looped his arm around her and rubbed her arm. He listened to the steady cadence of the rain tapping on the roof above them.
Cindy shifted closer to him and let out a happy sigh that sent a flutter through his chest. Elation like a balloon lifted him, but then guilt slashed through him. What would happen if her father found out they were seeing each other in secret?
* * *
Guilt rained down on Cindy as she sat beside Sarah Jane in church on Sunday. She bowed her head to pray, but her mind kept replaying the events of the week. After she’d visited Drew Tuesday night, they fell into a daily routine. She would wait until her siblings and her parents were asleep and then sneak out to visit with Drew on his porch until nearly midnight.
They would talk and hold hands on the bench, and sometimes she would rest her head on his shoulder. She wanted to freeze time during their visits since they always passed so quickly. Then she would head back home and into her bed, where she’d sleep and dream of their future visits.
Now she sat in church with the rest of her community and worshipped God as if she weren’t a sinner. She felt like a fraud, an imposter, but she’d never been so happy.
The service ended with the benediction, and she walked with Sarah Jane as they headed for the barn exit. When she spotted Laura and Kayla in front of her, she caught up with them. She had tried to make small talk with Laura before the service, but her sister had been cold, offering only curt answers to Cindy’s questions about her daughters. She longed to apologize to Laura, but she had to find the right words.
“Aenti Cindy!” Mollie ran to her and opened her arms.
“Hi, Mollie.” Cindy leaned down and hugged her before hugging Catherine, Calvin, and Alice. “It’s so gut to see all of you.” Then she turned to Laura. “Could we please talk?”
Laura gave her a brief nod, then looked at Kayla. “Could you please take Catherine and Mollie to the kitchen?”
“Ya,” Kayla said. “I’ll give them lunch.”
“Danki.” Laura pointed to the barn’s exit. “Do you want to walk outside?”
“Ya. Please.” Cindy followed her to a secluded spot, and her insides twisted as she searched for the right words to repair the distance between them. “Laura, I’m sorry for what I said to you last Tuesday. You’re mei schweschder, and I love you. Can we work this out?”
Laura eyed her with something that resembled suspicion. “Why are you suddenly so determined to work things out with me? You told me to leave your sewing room, and then you refused to talk to me during or after supper. What changed?”
“I’ve realized how much I miss you. I want you to be a part of my life as much as you want to be part of mine.” Cindy folded her hands as if she were praying. “Please, let’s try to get along.”
Laura rested her hands on her hips. “Have you decided to stay in the church?”
“I’m not leaving the church,” Cindy said. It wasn’t exactly a lie. She still worshipped with her community, and she didn’t plan to stop doing that.
“Does that mean you’re going to join the church?” Laura raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” Cindy lifted one hand. “That doesn’t mean I won’t join someday. Right now, I just want to make sure I still have my family. Can you support me while I try to figure out where I belong in the community?”
Laura hesitated and then sighed. “Ya, I can do that.”
“Danki.” Cindy hugged her and breathed a sigh of relief despite the guilt that continued to plague her. While she felt bad for not telling Laura the whole truth, she was grateful to still have her sister in her life.
Cindy helped the other women in the congregation serve the meal to the men. When the men were finished, she sat with her sisters and ate lunch. She tried to make conversation with them, but they talked about their children and their husbands and once again she felt like a stranger who didn’t belong.
She wanted to talk about Drew and how excited she was that their relationship was growing deeper and more meaningful with each day, but she couldn’t share any of her deepest secrets. She had to smile and nod instead, as though she were fully engaged in her sisters’ lives without regard to her own.
After lunch, Cindy helped the rest of the women clean up and then walked with Sarah Jane toward the line of horses and buggies awaiting their trip home. She spotted Priscilla and Mark loading their family into their buggy, and she waved.
Priscilla gave her a strange look, and then she said something to Mark before walking over to her.
“I’m going to talk to Priscilla,” Cindy told Sarah Jane. “I’ll see you at the buggy in a minute.”
“Okay.” Sarah Jane waved to Priscilla, and then she continued on to meet her mother and Dat.
“Do you have a minute?” Priscilla asked Cindy.
“Of course.” Cindy folded her arms over her white apron and peach-colored dress.
“How are you?” Priscilla’s chestnut eyes studied hers. “You seem different than the last time I saw you.”
“What do you mean?” Cindy braced herself for her sister-in-law’s assessment.
Priscilla touched her finger to her lips. “It’s hard to explain. You seem happier, but you’re still quiet.”
“I’m fine.” Cindy tried to keep her words even.
Priscilla touched her hand. “Just remember you can talk to me anytime.”
Cindy gave her a hug. “I might take you up on that soon.”
“Gut.” Priscilla squeezed her hand. “See you then.”
Cindy turned toward her father’s buggy, but then stopped when she saw Gertrude and Ervin. “Hello!” she said, waving to them.
“How are you?” Gertrude said as she walked to meet her.
As they exchanged greetings, Gertrude gave her a strange look that sent tingles of worry through Cindy. Did Gertrude know Cindy was visiting Drew every night? If so, would she tell anyone?
“Cindy!” Sarah Jane called from the buggy. “It’s time to go!”
“Take care,” Cindy told Gertrude before hurrying off.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Dat stepped out onto the porch, where Cindy sat on the glider while reading her Christian novel.
“Do you have a moment to talk?” Dat asked, settling into the rocker beside her.
“Ya, of course.” Cindy closed the book and turned toward her father, trying to feign composure. Did Dat know she’d been sneaking out all week? She worked to keep her expression blank, but inside she was trembling.
“I can’t believe today is the first day of September. Where has the summer gone?”
“I don’t know.” Cindy shrugged and held her breath, waiting for the bomb to explode, exposing her as a liar and a sneak.
“I’ve noticed you’ve been happier this week, and I wanted to say that it’s gut to have you back. I’ve missed you.” His blue eyes were warm and genuine, and they sent shame plunging through her.
She nodded and tried to clear her throat.
“I’m sorry for being so hard on you.” He frowned and rubbed his beard. “I know your mamm’s death was toughest on you since you were there. I should have kept that in mind when I talked to you. I apologize for not being more mindful of what you’ve gone through during these past seven years.”
“It’s okay.” Cindy gripped her book with such force her fingers ached.
“It’s just that I can’t imagine losing any of mei kinner after losing your mamm. It would be just too devastating. My biggest fear is that you’ll leave us, and I’ll never see you again.” He gave her a sheepish smile. “Would you please forgive me for being so tough on you? I did it out of love, and I hope you know that. But I could have been more understanding.”
“Of course,” Cindy said. “It’s all forgiven.”
“Danki.” Dat leaned over and kissed her forehead before standing and dis
appearing into the house.
Cindy buried her face in her hands. Her father believed she was still a dutiful daughter. How long could she live this lie? She didn’t know, but she knew for certain she couldn’t give up Drew without giving up her heart.
* * *
Drew sipped his can of root beer and stared toward the end of the Lapps’ driveway, awaiting the bouncing flashlight beam that would announce Cindy’s arrival. The warm September air brushed his face, and he sighed.
His stomach had been tied up in knots all day as he’d worked on the farm. Shame had been his constant companion for more than a week now as he and Cindy had continued their late-night rendezvous.
While he enjoyed every second he spent with her, he couldn’t erase the memory of his painful conversations with Vernon and Jamie and the warnings their words held. What he and Cindy were doing wasn’t right, and as much as he dreaded the idea of breaking up with her, he couldn’t justify the problems their relationship could potentially cause her.
But how could he let her go? She had become an integral part of his life, and she’d carved out a piece of his heart. She was part of him now, and he didn’t have the strength to let her go.
The flashlight beam bounced up the driveway, and Drew sat up straight on the bench.
“Good evening,” Cindy said softly as she approached the porch. “I brought oatmeal raisin cookies.”
“Fantastic.” He rubbed his hands together. “Thank you. I have root beer, but it’s not nearly as good as your dad’s.”
“That’s all right. I like all root beer.” She sank down beside him and handed him the container of cookies. “Try one.”
“I’m sure they’re delicious.” He opened the lid and took a cookie from the top. He bit into it and savored the sweet, delicious taste. “Fantastic.” He handed her a cold can of root beer.
“Danki.” She flipped open the can, which popped and fizzed in response, and then took a sip. “You’re right. It’s not as gut as mei dat’s, but it’s still gut.” She smiled up at him, and then her smile faded. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He tried to wave off her question by biting into the cookie again. “How was your day?”
“It was like most Thursdays, but don’t try to deflect my question.” She turned toward him. “Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell when you’re upset.” She pointed to his face. “I can see it in your eyes. And your forehead is furrowed.” Her eyes widened. “Are you upset with me? Did I do something wrong?”
He snorted and touched her arm. “What could you ever do wrong, Cindy? You’re the sweetest person I know.”
Her mouth worked as if she were struggling for words. “If it’s not me, then what is it?”
He looked out toward the street as he tried to gather his thoughts. A heaviness gathered in his chest. How could he tell her that he felt their relationship was wrong? The words would break her heart, along with his own.
“Drew.” She placed her arm on his bicep. “Please talk to me. I can’t stand this silence between us.”
He turned toward her, taking in the face of the woman he’d come to care for more than he’d ever thought possible. “What we’re doing, Cindy . . . It’s not right.” He rested his arm on the back of the bench behind her. “I can’t get over the shame. I’m worried about what will happen to you when your father finds out. I also keep thinking that my parents and aunt would be so disappointed in me if they knew I was sneaking around with an Amish woman. What kind of man would they think I am if they knew I’m putting your reputation in jeopardy?”
Something that sounded like a strangled sob escaped her throat before tears streamed down her pink cheeks. His heart squeezed.
“Hey, hey.” He wiped her tears away with the tip of his finger. “Please don’t cry.”
“You want to break up with me?” Her voice was tiny, as if she were a young child.
“No, no.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to break up with you, but I don’t know what to do.” He wiped away more of her tears. “I just feel like this is so unfair to you.”
“Losing you would be worse.”
“I feel the same way about losing you.” He anchored a tendril of hair that had escaped her prayer covering behind her ear.
As Drew stared into her eyes, he suddenly felt as if the air around them was electrified, and then without thinking he leaned down and swept his lips across her cheek. She sucked in a breath at the contact.
“Please tell me you won’t stop seeing me,” she whispered.
He blew out a puff of air. “I don’t want to stop seeing you, but I wish we didn’t have to sneak around. What if your dat is waiting for you when you get home tonight? How would he react after he’s told you more than once to stay away from me?”
“Everything is all right at home. I promise you.” She held up her hands as if to calm him. “He apologized for yelling at me.”
“He did?”
She nodded. “Last Sunday he told me he was glad to see me so happy again, and he said he was sorry for being so tough on me. No one knows I’m here, and they all think I’m happy because I’m not seeing you anymore.” She rested her hand on his chest. “But I’m happy because I am seeing you. How can our relationship be wrong if it feels so right?”
Cindy scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.
Drew rubbed her arm as he looked up at the stars and listened to the sound of the cicadas serenading them in the night. He desperately wanted to believe their relationship wouldn’t cause any problems, but he couldn’t stop the niggling worry that taunted him constantly.
For the next hour, they finished the container of oatmeal raisin cookies, and the time passed quickly as their conversation shifted to their favorite books, ignoring the tension he’d caused. Drew longed to keep her next to him forever.
Suddenly, Cindy stood. “I need to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“Right.” He stood and pulled her in for a hug. “You be careful.” He whispered the words into her prayer covering.
“I will.” Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. Her lips touching his skin sent a current sizzling through him. “Good night.”
“Good night.” He stood at the edge of the porch and watched her disappear into the night.
When he glanced at the Lapps’ house, he was almost certain he saw a lantern glowing in their kitchen, and a foreboding fear of discovery plagued him once again.
thirteen
Cindy sipped her cup of tea and tried to stop her face from twisting into a frown as she sat surrounded by her female family members the following Sunday.
Since it was an off Sunday and there wasn’t a church service, Florence had invited the entire family to visit. Cindy had spent all day with her brothers, sister, and their spouses and children, as well as Florence’s family, and she couldn’t stop wondering what it would have been like if she could have asked Drew to join them. Would he have sat on the porch and visited with the men?
She looked at Karen, Roy’s fiancée, who was talking about their upcoming wedding. Trying to breathe past the jealousy burning in her throat, she wondered why she couldn’t be the one talking about her wedding. Why couldn’t she be the one planning a future with a man she loved? Why did she have to suffer this hollow feeling overtaking her chest?
“I can’t believe it’s a little over a month away,” Karen said. “It seems like Roy just asked me to marry him yesterday. I finished the dress for mei schweschder. I’m so excited.”
“Have you finished the table decorations?” Florence asked.
“Ya.”
“What do they look like?” Kayla asked, holding Alice against her shoulder and gently bouncing her to sleep.
“Well, we’re having a little purple candle and then some purple flowers.” Karen tapped her chin. “What was the name of that flower?”
“A lilac?” Nellie, Walter’s wife, asked. “I know you can find silk ones.”
Cindy couldn’t
take it anymore. She needed a break from this conversation. She stood and crossed to the sink, where she deposited her mug. Then she started for the stairs.
“Cindy,” Florence called after her.
She stilled and pressed her lips together, her back to the kitchen. Why couldn’t Florence just allow her to quietly disappear? It wasn’t as if anyone had been talking to her anyway.
“Where are you going, mei liewe?” Florence asked.
Cindy squared her shoulders and then turned around. Everyone’s curious eyes were focused on her. “I’m going to take a nap.” She touched her temple. “I have a headache.”
“Ach, I’m so sorry.” Florence shook her head. “Would you like some pain reliever?”
“No, danki.” As Cindy turned to go, her gaze entangled with Priscilla’s, and from the look on Priscilla’s face, Cindy knew she’d been caught in the lie. Sometimes she wondered if her sister-in-law could read her emotions.
Priscilla had endured a painful time when she returned to the community with her son three years ago after escaping her abusive boyfriend. She’d struggled with her decision to confess her sins and rejoin the church, and Cindy had spoken to her more than once about the gravity of that decision. Although Cindy’s reasons for struggling to join the church were different from Priscilla’s, she still felt a special kinship with her.
Cindy quickly climbed the stairs and entered her room, and then climbed onto her bed. She hugged a pillow to her chest as she stared out her open window and contemplated the past few days. She had sneaked out to see Drew each night since he’d confessed he was having a hard time with their decision to see each other secretly, and their time together had still been wonderful. He hugged her when she arrived at his house, and then he kissed her cheek before she left. They shared their secrets and talked until after midnight.
Why couldn’t she tell the world about their special relationship? Why did she have to hide her feelings for Drew?
“Cindy?”
She sat up straight and looked toward the doorway, where Priscilla stood. “Ya?”