“What’s my job?”
“Growing my son.”
“That’s not a job, you know?”
Her brows pinched together and she looked cute as hell and mildly irritated.
“Laney baby, growin’ a Lenox boy in that belly of yours is definitely a full-time job.”
“He’s not wrong,” my mom added. “It’s like they suck the life out of you. And then as a reward for going through nine months of them invading your body, they treat you to a lifetime of sleepless nights.”
My mom sounded like she was complaining, but she was full of shit.
“Right.” Laney giggled.
“Right,” my mom returned with a wink.
I glanced down at my woman, and after all she’d been through she was smiling and happy. We were having a baby. Life was good.
And I was gonna be a dad.
Hell, yes!
* * *
“What the hell is he doing?”
“Lenox! Take the fucking shot.”
“Tell him to get back.”
“She’s not a threat. She’s holding a—”
“He needs to get the fuck back.”
The baby squirmed, and in the chaos my focus zeroed in on the sound of the infant’s cries.
No fucking choice. I had to. I had one shot to take out the mother and save the infant.
“Carter! Wake up, honey.”
“Take the—”
I pulled the trigger but I was too late.
I fucking hesitated too long.
I closed my eyes against the blast but I knew. I let that innocent baby die.
“Carter!”
My eyes came open, unfocused and I blinked against the harsh light.
“Are you okay? You were thrashing around and shouting.” The concern in Delaney’s voice gutted me.
Goddamn nightmare.
My hands went to my sweat-drenched face and the pressure from my palms digging into my eye sockets did nothing to wipe the visions from my mind.
“Sorry. I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”
Laney was sitting up in bed looking down at me with a scowl, apprehension clear as day in her eyes.
“What were you dreaming about?” I started to shake my head but the lines on her forehead deepened and she squeezed my arm. “You need to talk about it. Please don’t hide from me.”
I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want Delaney to know what I’d done. I didn’t want to taint her perfection more than I already had.
With a heavy, disappointed sigh, Laney started to move away.
“My last deployment,” I started. “I’m…fuck…Laney.”
Delaney scooted down the bed and laid next to me, wrapping herself around me. I wanted to tell her not to touch me, but I’d never get through telling her what happened if I had to look into her pretty blue eyes. I’d rather die a thousand painful deaths than see the disgust.
On an exhale I rushed through the story. Every last fucked up detail. When I was done her tears mingled with the sweat on my chest and rolled over my heart.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered.
“It is. I hesitated. Four innocent people died that night because of me.”
“Four? I thought there was only one Army guy.”
“Our baby,” I spat the words out and my gut twisted with regret and shame. “A child for a child.”
Delaney jerked at my admission and her limbs tightened.
“God didn’t take our baby, because the other one died.”
“How do—”
“Carter, honey. Derek Lowe killed our baby. Not you. Not me. The universe wasn’t punishing you. What happened to that baby is tragic. But you didn’t kill that baby, its mother did. I’m so sorry you had to see that. And I’m so sorry the soldier died, but his death isn’t your fault either.”
I remained silent staring at the ceiling.
“Do you have nightmares often?”
“Not often, but sometimes.”
“You’ve never woken me.”
“I can normally wake myself up before it gets bad and get out of bed.”
“Don’t ever get out of bed again. Don’t ever hide them from me.”
I nodded even though I knew I would never wake her up so she could share in my misery. Not because I didn’t trust her or because I was hiding. Because Delaney would always sleep easy, her dreams were supposed to be filled with happiness and laughter. Not blood and gore. Not my girl.
“Do you think you were dreaming about your deployment because I’m pregnant?”
“Yes,” I answered honestly, then decided it was time to tell her one more truth. “The reason why I left the night you told me about losing the baby is because I had the same nightmare that night. You’d fallen asleep in my arms and when I drifted off to sleep, I was back in Afghanistan. It was so real I could taste the dirt and sand. I could smell the stench of death. All I kept thinking about was how I’d screwed up. My hesitation killed that baby—”
“Honey. I know it’s going to take time for you to believe it, but nothing you did or didn’t do caused us to lose our baby. Nothing, Carter. We’re not living in the past. That’s what you said. Together we’ll work on banishing your nightmares.” Her lips brushed against my chest then she settled back down tucked close to my side. “Do you think you can go back to sleep, or should we get up?”
“Let’s get some more sleep.”
Laney nodded but said no more. She slept and I laid awake. Some of the weight had lifted but the guilt was tattooed on my soul. I hoped she was right and in time I’d learn to forgive myself. With Delaney by my side, I figured I would.
32
Delaney
“Delaney,” Dr. Butler greeted. “And you must be Carter?”
“Yes, ma’am. Nice to meet you.” Carter stood and shook the woman’s hand.
“Today’s visit will be short and sweet.” Dr. Butler smiled. “I received your ER records and your lab work you had done yesterday. Everything looks great. Your HCG levels are exactly where I’d expect them to be. According to your last cycle, the first test you took, and the most recent, I’d say you’re seven weeks, six days.” She was fiddling with a due date wheel while she was talking to us and smiling. “Looks like you’re having a spring baby. Are you feeling okay?”
I thought about her question and the answer was easy—I was great. It had been three weeks since the whole Dana Debacle, my stitches had dissolved, the bruising to the side of my face had faded, I had no lingering side effects from the terror that hour had caused, and Carter was…Carter.
I wanted for nothing. He pampered and spoiled me every day. He went to work, called me throughout the day to check in, he’d come home and we’d either make dinner together—something he insisted on, or he’d take me out on a date.
He still called them dates, though I just called it going out to dinner. He’d told me they’d always be dates since he’d missed out on so many. I didn’t argue. Whatever he wanted to call them was fine by me.
But it was nighttime that was my favorite.
Us just being together. Sometimes we’d sit on the couch and watch TV or a movie. Other times we’d do it lying in bed. But we always did it together and he always had me cuddled close. If I was near him, he was touching me. Holding my hand, kissing me, had his arm around my shoulder, my head in his lap or on his chest.
But my favorite time was after he made love to me, his hand would go to my stomach and he’d ‘cradle his baby,’ as he called it. Sometimes he’d scoot down and rest his head under my chest and he’d tell the baby stories. Mostly funny ones about him and me growing up. But every time before he moved up to settle us for sleep, he’d kiss my stomach and always, every single day, he’d tell the baby he loved him.
So, yes, I was feeling great. Exceptionally great.
“I feel great,” I answered.
“Outstanding. Go ahead and lie back, and we’ll see if we can find the baby’s heartbeat. But please remember, t
he baby is small and low right now, so if we still can’t find it, we will the next visit.”
I did as the doctor asked and tried to push all thoughts of the first time I was here out of my head. How different this time felt with Carter there. How happy and scared I was the first time. How there were no words to describe how shitty the rest of that day had gone. I’d left this same office on cloud nine only to be thrust into a nightmare.
“Laney baby?”
“Yeah?” I looked at Carter.
He didn’t say anything else. He didn’t have to. His soft green eyes and gentle face did the trick. I took a breath and prepared myself not to freak out if it was still too early to hear the heartbeat. I reminded myself that it wouldn’t mean there was something wrong, it was simply too early.
The room filled with static as Dr. Butler pressed the handheld Doppler probe to my belly and moved it around. I could hear the gurgling of my stomach but nothing else. She slid my unbuttoned shorts lower and spread more jelly around, and just when I thought she was going to give up, she pressed harder and there it was.
The whooshing.
I closed my eyes and let the most beautiful sound in the world wash over me. Carter’s hand in mine flexed and I didn’t think he meant to do it. Simply an involuntary reaction to hearing his child for the first time.
“There it is,” Dr. Butler unnecessarily announced. “Nice strong fetal heart rate. One hundred and forty beats per minute, just where I’d thought it would be.”
“One hundred and forty beats?” Carter gasped. “Is that—”
“Perfectly normal. The short answer is, the fetus is growing rapidly. Think of the energy and fuel needed to grow from a cluster of cells to a fully developed human. Your baby’s heart rate is exactly where I like to see. Average. Not above or below, perfectly in the middle. Average means healthy.”
She smiled at Carter and graciously waited for him to ask more questions. When he was silent she went on. “Now, the last question of the day, would you like me to email you the recording of your baby’s heartbeat?”
“Yes,” Carter rushed out. “Please, we’d like that,” he hurried to add.
“Great. Make your next appointment on the way out and I’ll see you in four weeks.”
“Before you go, where can I buy one of those?” Carter gestured to the Doppler.
“I have to admit, I love the enthusiasm of first-time dads. It makes the next eight or so months exciting. They are readily available online. But I will caution you, some work better than others, and it takes training and practice to find the FRH. No panicking if you can’t find it.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to groan at the thought of Carter chasing me around with a monitor trying to find the baby’s heartbeat every day, or if I wanted to smile.
I chose to smile.
* * *
“Why are we going to Tuesday and Jackson’s?” I asked when Carter pulled into the long tree-lined drive of The Manor.
“You’ll see.”
He was acting funny. He had been since we’d left the doctor’s office earlier. He’d been quiet through lunch and seemed to have a lot on his mind. I’d also thought he had to get back to work. But instead of taking me home we were now at Tuesday and Jackson’s monstrosity of a house.
He’d helped me out of his truck, around the side of the house, and to the orchard. My heart was flipping in my chest—the last time I’d been here it hadn’t been pleasant. Actually it had been downright agonizing.
He stopped us in front of a newly planted cherry tree, and when my gaze hit the dirt around the base of the sapling, I had to blink back tears. Tuesday hadn’t just planted a tree to honor our baby— she’d had a pretty bronze plaque set at the base.
Always in our hearts. Baby Lenox.
There were laser-engraved angel wings behind the script and I’d never seen anything more beautiful. I couldn’t believe my cousins had done something so special for us. Though I shouldn’t have been surprised. Jackson Clark had always been thoughtful, and his wife Tuesday had a heart of gold. She fit him in every way.
“It was here in this orchard that for the first time I allowed myself to think about what it would be like to be your husband. For years, I shoved all of those kinds of thoughts down deep and locked them away. It was the only way I knew how to survive. Every time I had to leave you was more painful than the time before. Every year that passed more excruciating. I knew you were mine. I knew that I’d never, in a thousand lifetimes, love anyone but you. I knew you were the best part of me. And I knew I was denying us both the beauty we were supposed to have.
“And from the second that thought hit, I couldn’t stop the freight train of emotions that flooded. Seeing you so close but lost to me was brutal. A dagger to my heart. One that I’d self-inflicted. And when Jackson and Tuesday were saying their vows, I knew you felt the same way. And seeing that pain, I knew I still had a shot at making it right. And, Laney baby, I promise to keep makin’ it right. Every day I’ll prove you didn’t make a mistake starting over with me.
“I promise I’m gonna love you the rest of my life. I’m gonna love our kids and be a man they can be proud of. I promise I’ll never stop taking you on dates. I promise I’m gonna fill our lives with so much beauty you’ll never regret giving me everything I could ever want.”
Carter lowered himself in front of me, but I couldn’t see past the tears in my eyes. I felt him take my left hand, kiss my palm before he slipped the cool metal down my finger.
“Delaney Lillian Walker, would you please do me the honor and be my wife?”
“Yes.”
He was on his feet in a flash and I was off mine. He lifted me high and tipped his head back. I lowered mine and Carter Lenox, my dream man, sealed the deal with a scorching hot kiss. And of course it was magical.
What else could it be?
* * *
It would be a week later the package Carter had been eagerly expecting arrived. And just as I’d thought, the moment he’d opened the box, torn open the packaging, and put batteries in it, he’d demanded I go lie on the bed.
It was then the crazy commenced and I figured it would indeed last for the next eight months.
“You know you might not be able to find her heartbeat, right?”
“His,” he corrected. He did that every time I referred to the baby as female. He sounded like he was going to be mighty disappointed if this baby came out without a penis. I truly didn’t care which sex the baby was and I had a feeling Carter didn’t either. He just liked to annoy me.
“I talked to Dr. Butler,” he continued. “The trick is the gel.”
“The gel?”
“Yep. When you’re this early, you need a lot of lube and pressure.”
“Well, sounds exciting.”
“I thought so, too. Though we’ve never had to use lube, so I figured I should buy two bottles since we don’t know how much is enough.”
“Do you ever not think of sex?”
“Yeah, when I’m thinking about you walking down the aisle toward me. Or when I’m thinking about you having my baby. Though those thoughts typically lead to how we made our son, which makes my dick hard, and I start thinking about all the ways I’d like to fuck you. So, yeah, maybe pretty much all the time except when I’m thinking about you marrying me.”
Such. A. Man.
Though I had to admit, I wasn’t complaining. Him always thinking about sex meant he liked having it with me. And after years of only having him sporadically, getting it regularly was awesome.
I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would turn down multiple orgasms and a man who liked to go down on you like his sole purpose in life was to bring you pleasure?
“Back to my original statement, we can’t get freaked if you can’t find the heartbeat.”
Carter was not paying attention to me. He was too busy squirting way too much gel on my lower stomach and smearing it around with the Doppler wand to pay me any mind.
All I was hea
ring was a bunch of gurgling and loud distortion when he went even lower, just above my pubic hair, and the rhythmic whoosh filled my heart.
“Mommy doubts me, son,” Carter murmured. “After all these years, she should know Daddy never quits. She wouldn’t’ve been happy about us stayin’ here all day until we heard you.”
I loved hearing him talk to the baby, loved hearing him say Mommy and Daddy and knowing he was talking about us.
“Look at that, one hundred and forty. Daddy’s little man already acin’ life, scoring perfect.”
Life couldn’t get any better. Not when I was lying in our bed hearing my future husband call his son, Daddy’s little man. Not until the day came when we got to hold him and see his cute little face. That day would be better. But until then, this day was the best of my life.
33
Carter
“I’m callin’ Aunt Reagan and tellin’ her we’re not coming over.”
“Don’t you dare,” Delaney seethed.
With school starting up again, she’d been going nonstop this last week and she was exhausted. I could see it but she refused to stay home today and rest. Everyone would understand if we missed my brother’s birthday party. He was a grown ass man, it wasn’t like it was his first birthday or some special milestone, he would not care if we weren’t there. Not to mention, last night when I talked to him he sounded stressed—Honor was overdue and was refusing a C-section.
He’d be just as happy to cancel the whole thing, take his wife to the hospital and strap her to an operating table. I still wasn’t sure why he hadn’t already done it. I’d offered him my help, but he was a sucker for his wife’s green eyes and pretty smile. He’d out-and-out admitted that when she looked at him and pouted she got whatever she wanted.
Adoring Delaney: The Next Generation Page 24