by Nyrae Dawn
“I brought some waters in my pack. I wasn’t sure if you’d have any,” I tell him.
“Thanks. I figured I’d buy one at the gym.” Brandon pushes up on his toes before planting his feet on the ground again, stretching out his calves. Each time he does it, the muscles constrict and I can’t help watching.
God, I want to touch him so damn much. Despite his weight loss, he’s still hard and strong. Looking at him, I know he’s not something I’m supposed to want. There’s no softness to him. No curves that guys talk so much about in the locker room. Instead he has harder edges that I don’t understand how everyone can’t find beautiful.
“You’re staring.”
A laugh tumbles out of my mouth at that, a little memory from the past jumping into the present.
“You like it when I stare at you.”
Brandon grins and I know he’s remembering what I am. It was our third summer together when we were teenagers. There was a big group of my friends from high school and we were all playing a game of flag football. We were skins, so no shirts. Brandon is fucking gorgeous without a shirt.
“You keep staring at me,” he whispers as he walks by me.
“Sorry.” I turn away. He’s right. Someone’s going to see and they’ll know. They’ll figure it out and then they’ll wonder about me when we’re in the locker room at school or dad will find out and I won’t be a real man anymore. I’ll be one of them. A fag.
I freeze when Brandon reaches out and grabs my arm. His hand is hot, and a little wet because we’ve been playing for hours in the heat but I don’t care. I love the feel of his hands on me.
“Don’t be sorry. I like your eyes on me.” He looks down like he can’t believe he said what he did.
“Brandon!” Charlie screams. His hand drops away and both our eyes shoot toward where Charlie’s voice came from. At the same time, a football bounces off the side of Brandon’s head.
Everyone starts laughing. “Pay attention, dumb-ass!” someone yells.
I laugh too because it’s the thing to do and everyone starts paying attention to the game again. Trying to join in, I move to head over to the group and only get one step away when Brandon whispers . . .
“I like looking at you too.” His words, exactly the same as what he said years ago rip me out of the memory. That easily, my cock gets hard. He’s doing what he said, his eyes intense and unwavering on me. My body starts to thrum and I remember the feel of him when we were in his bed and how much I want to stroke and explore every part of him in a way I’ve never been able to do.
We always end up right back here but I can’t even be mad this time because it’s different and we’re older and I’m over denying myself.
“Yeah?” I ask him.
“Yeah. You know that.”
In this moment it doesn’t matter that he’s been a prick. It doesn’t matter that nothing has really changed. I’m twenty years old. I should be screwing whoever I want and not holding on to that fantasy I used to have that one day none of it would matter and we’d find a way to be together.
Grabbing the bottom hem of my shirt, I pull it over my head. This time I know the tic in Brandon’s jaw isn’t from anger. His eyes trace down my chest, my abs to the six-pack that wasn’t as defined when we were younger.
“Alec . . .” His voice comes out husky in a way I’ve never heard it.
There were so many times when we were teenagers where we snuck to places just like this. We’d slip off into the woods to find a spot and we’d talk and then kiss and it was so different than the girl’s I’d done the same thing with. Our shirts would come off and our bodies matched in so many ways and felt so right against each other.
He’d touch me and I’d touch him though we were too stupid and scared to try without some clothes still between us. I don’t want to be stupid anymore.
“You’re fucking killing me here. You just told me last night you’re still pissed at me. I don’t want to screw up with you. Not anymore. I’m scared as hell to do the wrong thing.”
I take a step toward him. Then another. It’s all Brandon needs and then he’s coming toward me and backing me against the car. The metal is hot on my back but the sting doesn’t touch the need rushing through me.
He grabs my sides and I grab his, wishing like hell he didn’t have a shirt on either. The fabric from his top touches my stomach and then there’s pressure as his body leans against me, his mouth moving toward mine.
“Holy shit that killed me!” A voice drifts from the trails in front of us. Brandon jerks away as another person laughs on the trails.
I’m breathing heavily and I’m hard as hell. Brandon must be too because he walks around the back of the car, and leans over, his elbows on the hood and his hands in his hair. But I see it, see the smile that curves his lips and I know that even though we had a helluva cock block, he wants me as much as I want him.
Two guys step out from one of the trails. Not paying any attention to us they climb into their car and drive off.
“I love the way you make me lose my head. I never knew that before you. I thought something was wrong when I was with a girl. Then I met you and . . .” He smiles. “I’ve been a little crazy ever since.”
Crazy for me. I like that. “What can I say? I’m good.” I tuck my T-shirt into the side of my backpack before putting the pack on.
“By the looks of you I am too.”
Smiling, I adjust myself. As much as I still want him, the mood is broken. He’ll worry about someone else showing up and hell, I also want him to do this. He needs to start working out again. I don’t want to be his excuse for not doing what we came out here to do.
“We going or not?”
“Gimme the pack. The straps will irritate you without your shirt.” He reaches for me but I shake my head.
“You’re wearing yours?”
“Eh. Figure I’ll make it easier for you to keep your hands off me. I know what I do to you.” Brandon winks and on the one hand it’s like having the old Brand back but on the other, I know what he’s doing. It’s a lot easier to pretend nothing’s changed if he doesn’t have to look at the proof of it running down his chest.
I don’t call him on it though. “Come on. Let’s see how much warming the bench in your workout room hurt you. Hopefully you can keep up with me.”
Chapter Ten
Brandon
It’s obvious Alec picked the easiest of the trails. A couple months ago I could have done it in my sleep and even though I’m still making it now, there’s a burn in my chest and an ache in my leg muscles that would have never happened on a run this easy.
It doesn’t make me stop though.
There’s this war being battled inside me—the one side thrives on it. The burn is a welcome sign I’m working hard. Exercising or being on the field, those are the places I’m free. In some ways, it feels damn good to be free again but then I have that other side mocking me. It’s telling me this should be easier than it is and what if I can’t get past it? What if I can’t work up to where I need to be?
And what if I can? I’m scared to lose my level of physicality and afraid to get it back too. Then I have no choice but to keep lying to everyone and living football because if I don’t, who the fuck am I?
“Brand?” Alec keeps pace beside me.
“Don’t. Don’t ask if I’m okay.” My voice is breathless. The thought of Alec thinking he needs to question me on something this basic makes me push harder—my legs move faster.
“Can I ask if you want to go to the left or the right up at the V?”
Turning my head, I look at him, with this big, cheesy grin, his blond hair slightly sweat tinged, though not as much as mine. We don’t break pace as I reach over and shove him. “Fucker.”
Alec stumbles a little but doesn’t fall. “Just checking . . . Since I’m not allowed to ask you certain things there must be a script I don’t know about.” We both know left or right wasn’t what he was originally going to ask.
/> “Wherever you go, I’ll follow you.”
The look on his face changes, this sort of sadness creeping in. It kills me when he looks like that. It’s not him. He’s always happy and I’m not sure what caused the switch.
“I wish that was true,” he says.
Alec veers off to the right. My feet tangle a little but I keep on them, and go with him, following him in the way I can, wishing the same damn thing he is.
After a while, we loop around and jog back to the car. The longer we go the more I have to slow down but I refuse to let myself stop. It’s a simple fucking jog. I’m a football player. There’s no way I can’t do this.
When we get back to the car, I drop against it. Alec opens his pack and takes a drink of the last water bottle before handing it to me.
I down the whole thing.
“I gotta ask, man, but it’s because I’m worried. You feel okay? I mean, I know you’re tired because you have to build your stamina and stuff back up but . . . you don’t feel anything different do you? With your heart?”
I hate that he’s asking me but I’m honored by it too. I’d rather look weak in front of anyone in the fucking world than him . . . but he’s also the only place I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. It’s exhausting, always feeling so conflicted around him.
“I’m good. It’s not really like that. I mean, it’s not a real heart condition. But yeah, I’m good. Just to be sure I had a couple monitored workout sessions back home. No problems.” And those were the only times I really did workout. I’m sure he knows that though.
Alec nods and goes to walk around to the other side of the car but on reflex, I reach up and rest my hand on the back of his neck before he can go. “Thanks for asking. And for taking me today.”
He nods and I rub my thumb through the wet hair at the nape of his neck before pulling away.
“We can keep it up if you want. Your body is used to being active, Brand. We can do it every day.”
The heaviness in my shoulders starts to slip away. I could see us doing that. We used to run around doing shit every day all summer. When I think about being with Alec, that fist doesn’t tighten around my gut like it does every time I tried to get back into shape alone. It’s like the way we used to be. Like he said last night . . . just that easily we’re us.
“The NFL has always been your plan. You can’t do that if you don’t start training again.”
I feel my lips tug into a smile. A big smile that I’m sure looks cheesy.
“What are you smiling at, dumb-ass?” Alec pushes at my shoulder.
“You didn’t say it’s been my dream. You said it’s my plan.” Dream? Plan? The word in a way has the same meaning for me.
“That’s because I know you.”
My fingers flex, begging to touch him. My mind starts spinning, wanting to talk to him. To pretend none of that shit of the past happened but all of the good did. “Come on. Let’s go back to your place.”
The drive is quick and I don’t let myself think too much on the way there. I know I can get shot down, I know he might have plans or maybe that fucker Logan is coming over, all of which would serve me right but I don’t let it stop me from voicing what I want. “I’m not ready to go back. I just want to chill with you. Will you let me come up?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know the answer to that. Come on. I have burgers and a grill on my patio. We can barbecue or something.”
He gets out of the car and then I do the same. “Hell no. You’re not touching the grill. Remember when we went camping? That shit looked like charcoal when you finished with it.”
“Screw you. I was like five.”
After grabbing my bag out of the backseat, I slam the door. “You were seventeen.”
Alec gets a look on his face that tells me he’s up to something. “A guy can learn a lot between then and now. Gets better at a lot of things too.”
Holy shit, he’s going to fucking kill me. “You do that a whole hell of a lot more than you used to.” It’s sexy as hell too.
Alec winks.
His apartment complex is a little older but nice. We take the concrete steps up to his place on the second floor. I wait as Alec opens the door, still shocked that we’re here. After everything we’re . . . not together again, if what we were you could consider that. We thought of ourselves that way. Now we’re probably too old to think that way. Especially since we haven’t really talked about anything, and because regardless, I’ll be back in Ohio in August. Back to being number forty-three.
Alec throws his keys on the table and sets the backpack on one of the chairs. He’s still not wearing a shirt, corded muscles running the length of his arms but they’re nothing compared to the rest of him. He’s more lithe than I am.
“I stink. You cool if I take a quick shower? You can use it after me.”
I set my bag on the table. “Yeah. No problem. Wasn’t sure how much longer I could deal with the smell anyway.”
“Ha ha. You got jokes now?”
“I’ve always had them.” I step closer to him. “I make you laugh.”
Alec rolls his eyes. “I’m going now. Make yourself at home, yeah?”
When he leaves, I pull my cell out of my pocket and call my brother. It’s already six and I’m hoping like hell he and Charlie don’t need the car back right now.
“Hey.” Nate answers on the third ring. “What’s up?”
“Do you need your car back right away?” I feel like a loser having to borrow his vehicle—like I’m asking permission to be out.
“No, we’re just chillin’ here. Charlotte wants to go out with her telescope tonight.” She’s in school for astronomy.
“So you’re cool if I keep it a while longer?” It’s weird as hell talking to him when he’s knows I’m with Alec. When Nate found out about us, it was only a couple months before I broke things off with him. Nate and Charlie were heading back to Virginia from New York so even though he knows everything, there’s only been a few times when Alec and I have been together with Nate in the know—the night he first found out about us and Mom went into early labor with Joshua, when Alec came after my heart surgery, and now.
“Keep it as long as you want!” Charlie yells, obviously right next to Nate and listening in.
I roll my eyes. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome!” Charlie replies.
Laughing, I say, “You wanna put her on the phone or what, man?”
“She’s already texting Alec.”
“It’s not . . . we’re not . . .” Excuses automatically start trying to fall out of my mouth but I fight to hold them back. This is my brother. He knows. It’s okay. And hell, it feels good for someone to know. To be able to say I’m staying with Alec the way I’ve always envied Nate can do with Charlie.
But Charlie is his . . . Alec isn’t mine.
Tired of overthinking things, I push all my thoughts aside. This is Nate. “We went for a jog and now we’re going to grill some burgers or something. It’s not what you think. I mean, we’re friends. I have training in August.”
My brother pauses and I automatically wonder if I grossed him out. If he doesn’t want me to talk to him about Alec at all.
“That’s six weeks away, bro. Every summer Charlie and I knew we’d have to say good-bye but that didn’t stop us from taking advantage of the time we had. You . . . you deserve a little bit of happiness. You both do.”
I don’t know what makes me do it—how I find the words. Maybe I’m tired of holding it all in or maybe it’s what Nate said or all the things Alec and I have talked about. I lean against Alec’s kitchen table and speak. “I want to be happy. I just . . . I want to just be. That probably doesn’t make any fucking sense but . . . I want to be normal.” A deep breath leaves my lungs. “With him.”
“Then do it. Whatever you have to do or however you have to do it. Fucking find a way. You know we’ll always be there for you, no matter what. Mom and Dad will too.”
A click
sounds from down the hallway, before Alec rounds the corner out of the bathroom. He shakes his head and I watch as his blond hair flies up before settling messily on his head. He’s wearing a pair of red basketball shorts, still without a shirt.
And he is so fucking gorgeous.
“I want him happy too . . .” I whisper. “I gotta go. I’ll see you soon.” Before Nate replies, I click end on the call.
“There’s towels in the cabinet by the sink. Sometimes the nob sticks but—” Alec stops dead, studying me—dissecting me as though he sees the thoughts in my mind as I form them. “What?”
My whole body is hyped up like someone injected adrenaline into me. I want nothing more than to push him against the wall. To take his mouth and whatever else he would give me, so at least once, he could fully be mine.
But that’s always what I do when it comes to him, isn’t it? I broke up with him because it was better for me. Hurting him isn’t an option again.
“Nothing.” I step away from the table. “Talked to Nate. You know how he can be.”
“Yeah. I used to dream about kicking his ass every summer. I might not have really been in love with Charlie like everyone thought, but I didn’t think he was good for her either.”
He steps around me, no clue that I really don’t want to talk about Charlie, Nate, or anyone else. I just want him.
“Like I said, sometimes the faucet sticks on the shower. Pull it hard and it’ll come on.” Alec goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge.
“Okay.” As much as I hate it, all I can think is maybe that’s a sign for me to relax. Before I say anything to him—when really I don’t even know where in the hell to start—I need to cool off. A cold shower is the best place I can think to start.
Chapter Eleven
Alec
By the time Brandon gets out of the shower, I’m sitting in one of the two chairs on my balcony. It’s small so there’s not a lot of room. My grill is in the right corner, and then the two chairs on the other side, no more than five feet away from the barbecue. The charcoal just turned gray enough for me to put the burgers on.