by Nyrae Dawn
Nate was good at baseball and smart in school. He got some “promising young architecture” award his freshman year in college. And now, I don’t need tutoring anymore and I do okay in school but with football, I’m better than okay. I’m good, I’m promising and I have a future in it. I’m scared to death to lose that.
“I’ve always belonged on the field.” I confirm what she said.
“You have. But you’re doing okay, right? No problems?”
“None.” I switch the phone to my other ear. “Alec trains with me every day. I’m getting close to my time in the forty again and lifting what I was. I’m back up to weight and everything.”
“Good. Don’t forget your checkup. The doctor just wants to see you one more time before you head back. Maybe you could come early and spend a day or so at home. Or stay here until you head back to school.”
That fist gets even tighter until it’s a struggle to breathe. It’s close, so damn close to time to leave here. To go back to my life and to leave Alec.
“I don’t know. It’s been good for me here. Plus Nate and I are hanging out a lot too. It’ll be hard when we’re both back in school.”
Mom sighs. “Okay, maybe just a night then before your appointment. Have you gotten your ticket yet?”
No, I was hoping the day wouldn’t come. That I wouldn’t have to tell Alec I have to leave for a few days—that I wouldn’t have to lose time with him.
“No. I’ll get it today.”
“Okay. Listen, your baby brother is being awfully quiet, which means he’s probably causing trouble. I better go, but I love you, Brandon. Your father and I are so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. You have to make it past this one last thing and then your senior year and the draft.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
My cell slips out of my hand and lands on the couch. I lean back and rub a hand over my face. Every time I close my eyes I see football, see being at school and with the guys and laughing when I feel like screaming.
It chokes me, the future I’ve set up for myself that most people would die for—that everyone thinks I love. Because why wouldn’t I?
My muscles twitch, begging for me to let the pressure building inside me out the only way I know how.
Alec isn’t here and I could always walk or run wherever I want to go but I head to the spare room instead. Because even though my body loves the feel of working it hard, I need him too. I want to be here when he gets back because Alec feels better than anything else.
It should make me feel weak and in some ways it does but strong too. I shake my head, not knowing what the hell I’m thinking, and just needing to be physical.
Alec doesn’t have a lot in the room but there’s a treadmill and weight bench and we put in a bar for pull-ups about two weeks ago.
After tossing my shirt to the floor, I head to the treadmill first. For twenty minutes I run as fast as I can, as though the machine is going to help me outrun my life. When I’m here, I’m going and going trying to find a way to leave all the shit behind. It doesn’t matter if I play ball or not when I’m working out and the only other place I feel like that is with Alec.
Sweat runs down my body, trying to wash it all away. Mom’s pride and how easy it could be for me to lose it—by losing football.
My body is still tight, still trying to fight off that suffocating feeling that chases me down so often.
Lifting doesn’t help either, despite the burn in my muscles, so I jump up, my hands gripping the bar and pull myself up, over and over again. My arms start to shake as I continue my pull-ups but when I’m in the zone like this, it’s usually pretty easy to ignore.
My hands slip off the bar when something runs down the center of my back. Whipping around, I see Alec standing behind me with a big-ass smile on his face.
“You scared the shit out of me, man.” I push him but Alec grabs my arm, laughing.
“You screamed like a little girl,” he taunts, which is a lie, but it doesn’t stop me from pulling him closer while sticking my foot out so he trips. Alec goes down but the bastard doesn’t let go of me and I go with him and then we’re both wrestling around on the floor, trying to get the best of each other.
He rolls over so he’s on top but it doesn’t last long. I don’t go easy on him but then I don’t have to. He almost matches me in height and muscles and it’s hot as hell to be able to just let go with him because we’re so evenly matched.
When I get on top of him again, he thrashes and I almost lose my grip but then I lower my head and press a kiss to his lips.
“Do you know how hot it is to walk in and see you like that? I didn’t realize it but I have a thing for backs.” Alec kisses me this time and then I roll off him.
“Don’t say shit like that to me until after I get out of the shower. I’m sweating like crazy.” After standing I head straight for the bathroom and take the fastest shower in the history of the world. My dick’s hard, remembering the feel of him beneath me and hearing his words play over in my head.
I jump out of the shower, dry off and then wrap a towel around my waist. It’s not until I head into the bedroom and see Alec sitting on the side of the bed that I realize I’m happy. Ten minutes ago I felt like I wanted to bust out of my skin but laughing with him and being with him wipes it all away.
“I talked to my mom today.”
Alec sighs and looks over at me. “I figured something was up the way you were going at it in there.”
The whole story pours out of my mouth and I feel like a pussy because it all sounds so . . . small. Like it’s not a big deal. I just need to man up. Deal with it. But when Alec looks over at me I forget why I was upset or how I felt telling him the story.
“You’re more than just football, Brand. You said I’m bigger than playing ball but when are you going to realize you are too?”
There it is—that feeling again that I’m invincible. That maybe he’s right or at least it’s a whole lot easier to pretend when he says it. I walk over and stand in front of him. “I feel like it when I’m with you. Like I matter for something other than what I do on the field. I was so pissed earlier, Al. So fucking pissed and I wanted to transform. To find a way to be someone else or like, if I worked out hard enough I would find a way to love who I am on the field instead of making people believe I do—”
“Brand . . .” He tries to stand but I step closer, my body not giving his enough room to move.
There’s no thought, just words flowing from my mouth that I couldn’t hold back if I wanted to. “I love you. So fucking much and I don’t want to lose you. I know we said we’d walk away at the end of this but I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t want to do it . . . but I can’t come out either. It’s like the words are locked inside me and even I don’t know how to find the key. I don’t know how to be gay and play ball. I don’t know how to be that guy in the locker room or even if they’ll want me there if they know, and as shitty as it is, I don’t know how to walk away either.”
Alec puts a hand on my stomach, slides it to my side, and grips me tightly. His nails bite into my skin but I like the sting because it reminds me it’s him giving it to me.
“I would go,” Alec mumbles.
“I can’t ask you to do that. It’s not right. It’s not fair to you.”
He shakes his head, and I see the anger start to set into his features. “Fuck that, Brandon. You didn’t ask, and if you did, so what? What do I have here? I go to a shitty community college that’s a dime a dozen. My dad hates who I am. He makes me feel like shit and he doesn’t even know the truth yet. I don’t have a job, so what am I leaving? I can go to school there and find a job there. And I’ll have you. Don’t we deserve to have each other? Don’t we deserve to have what we want like everyone else does? After everything we’ve been through, don’t we deserve it more?”
Everything inside me is yelling, begging me to tell him yes. To take whatever he wants to offer me but I’ve been so selfish
for so long when it comes to Alec. I can’t do that to him anymore. “What would you be coming there to? To keep lying about who you are? To keep pretending to be my roommate and always trying to remember not to touch me? You’re tired of hiding. You want to come out, and I can’t be the one to keep holding you back.”
This time, Alec stands, his body pushing mine out of the way to find room for his own. “Fuck you, Brandon. Do you think I’m not strong enough not to do it if I don’t want to? That I’m so weak I’m going to let you hold me back?”
“Hey.” When he looks away, I hook my finger under his chin and turn his head so he faces me again. “That’s not what I mean. You’re the strongest person I know.”
Alec grabs the hand I have on his face, and lowers it . . . but doesn’t let go. “Then trust that I know what I’m doing. That I’m not going to do something I don’t want. This is what you need to realize, man. You don’t see who you really are. You’re worth it. Having you is worth the wait. One stupid fucking decision to go 4x4-ing one night and you could have died. Do we really wanna just give up when we know how easily everything can change? It might not be this month or next month but one day you’ll be ready. I know it. I couldn’t love you like I do if I didn’t believe that.”
He takes a deep breath. “But I won’t beg you either. If you want me, Brand, you’re going to have to decide right now because I won’t let you walk away and then try and get me back later. We’re in this together all the way or not at all.”
His words become my knowledge. I don’t doubt anything he says, and damned if I don’t want to have him with me. We can make this work and one day it’ll all be okay. We’ll find a way to make it okay. One step at a time.
“I want you. Jesus, I’ve never wanted anything in my life the way I want you.”
My mouth comes down hungrily on his. Alec opens right up for me and as my tongue finds its home between his lips, Alec’s hands are pulling the towel off my waist. I lay him on the bed.
He moans into my mouth. It’s sexy as hell and I want to swallow every sound he makes. His hand goes to my erection as I fumble with his shorts. It’s messy and frantic, not smooth and practiced the way I want to be with him but I manage to get his shorts down and he takes his shirt off and then we’re moving against each other. I feel the hair on his legs brush mine and the ripples in his obliques against mine and it’s so fucking perfect, the way we go together so right.
“Wanna be inside you,” I whisper against his mouth. “I wanna make love to you, baby.”
Alec drops his head to the side as I run my tongue up the muscle in the side of his neck. “About time.”
I can’t help but chuckle, and then I’m kissing him again. Scared I might lose control and ruin this before we’re able to get started, I lean over and open the drawer on my side of the bed. “I got condoms. Wanted to be prepared.”
And then Alec’s grabbing the lube from his drawer. The rest is like a dream. I need to look at him so I push him onto his back. Pushing a pillow under his hips. Then, I’m rolling the condom on, then kissing every part of Alec I can while I prepare his body with my fingers.
He tenses a little, short breaths rushing past his lips.
“Shit. I’m sorry. Do you want me to stop?” Everything inside me wants this to be perfect.
“Rock steady up here. Keep going.” And so I do, kissing and touching him the whole time.
Finally an eternity later, I know what it feels like to have every part of Alec. I’m inside him in a different way than how he’s always inside of me. It’s tight and oh so fucking right that I have to stay still because if I don’t, it’s going to be over.
“Holy shit, Brand,” he pants, squeezing me. “Holy shit . . .”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing . . . just . . .” And then he moves toward me and my body reacts by moving with his. It’s everything I thought it would be, my body alive in ways I couldn’t even imagine.
He looks up at me, this blissed-out expression on his face making me proud to give it to him. I want him to feel more.
“Brandon . . .” His eyes flutter closed but then he opens them again.
“Yeah . . . I’m right here. Holy shit, I’m so right here.” I move faster, then wrap my fist around him and stroke as I move, needing to make sure he’s feeling everything he can. Wanting him to get off on this too. The second Alec’s orgasm hits him, I’m jumping over that ledge with him, as we both fall . . . and fall. Together. The way it’s supposed to be.
It’s been hours and we haven’t left the bed except for getting cleaned up. We fell asleep but now we’re both awake, the room almost dark as the sun sets outside.
My body has long sense recovered and I’m wishing like hell we could go again but instead I just hold on to him.
“Al?”
“Yeah.” He’s tracing my scar with his finger.
“I have to go to New York next week for a doctor’s appointment. It’s my last one before it’s time to go to Ohio. I want you to go with me.”
“Yeah. Of course. No problem. I think I can swing a plane ticket.”
I won’t insult him by telling him I’ll buy it for him. Whatever we have to do, we’ll figure out the money thing with him until we get to Ohio and he finds a job.
“The other day with Charlie and Nate here . . . When we didn’t have to hide? I know I can’t tell my team and we’re not coming out yet but . . . I think I want to tell my parents. I mean, I do. They know you. I go home a lot . . . I don’t wanna hide you there.”
My stomach bottoms out even thinking about it—about actually saying the words out loud to someone. It was hard enough with Nate but the thought of staying away from Alec in my parents’ home is worse.
He’s quiet. Worry bubbles up inside me that he won’t want me to tell.
“You used to tell me you were scared to tell them. That you already hated that they thought you weren’t smart and you didn’t want them to know anything else was wrong with you.”
I wince at that. “Did I really say that?”
“We were kids, Brand.”
That doesn’t matter.
“There’s nothing wrong with how I feel about you. Inside I know that.”
He lets out a deep breath and I wonder if he’d been holding it.
“What will they say?”
He’s thinking of his dad. I know it. “They’re not like he is.” This time it’s me who breathes out deeply. “But I don’t know. I think they’ll be okay but . . . how do I know? It’s not something any parent really wants to hear, is it?”
He shakes his head and again I wonder if he’s going to say he wants it a secret from everyone. If he does, I know it would be for me, because he’s worried about me. He planned on coming out himself, after all.
“Yeah . . . Let’s do it. We’ll do it together.”
Chapter Nineteen
Alec
We spend the next week making plans. Brandon calls his apartment complex in Ohio and asks about two-bedroom apartments. I give notice here even though I won’t be leaving until September. We’ll both go down for the beginning of camp but then I’ll head back here to get last minute things taken care of before moving with him for school.
We spent time online looking up the colleges that are close to him that I can go to, and filing out job applications online. I think both of us want to keep busy so we don’t have to really think about what we’re doing and how it’s crazy as hell.
But not doing it feels even crazier.
Brand keeps asking me what I’m going to tell my dad but I have no clue. It makes me feel like shit that I haven’t told Brandon there’s a little part of me that’s relieved I don’t have to come out to him yet. Who the hell knows how I’m going to explain to him why I’m moving to Ohio.
In between all of that he’s working out even harder, sprinting a million times a day to lower his time in the forty.
“What time’s your appointment tomorrow?” I ask him as we stand out
side the airport waiting for his parents to pick us up.
“Eleven. We’ll have to leave early to get into the city on time. Maybe I should have just grabbed us a room here for the night.”
I look over at him, and he glances away. “It was your idea to tell them, not mine.”
“It’s not that.” His eyes meet mine. “Okay, it’s kind of that but it’s not that I don’t want to, Al. It’s just scary as fuck. I’m doing it though. I have to.”
I’m still amazed this is even happening and not sure what to think. We’ll still have to hide but he wants his parents to know. That’s huge for him. For us.
Before I can reply, a Mercedes pulls up to the curb in front of us. Brandon’s mom, Judy, lowers the window and waves, smiling widely. I hate that the first question to pop into my head is, Will she hate me after this? I’ve seen Brandon’s parents every summer since I was fifteen years old. They’ve always been cool to me and I know how much they love Charlie. They treat her like a daughter, but I’m her gay son’s boyfriend. That’s a different story. I’m the one who he’s scared could cause him to lose his career, or the one who could make people treat him like shit. It’s a lot to handle.
The trunk pops open. Brandon and I toss our stuff in before I open the back door. When I try to pull it closed behind me, I notice Brandon standing there like he plans to get into the back with me. I see the second he notices he’s doing it when he gets this deer-in-the-headlights look.
He doesn’t say anything, just lets go of the handle and then gets into the front.
“It’s so good to see you, honey!” She leans over and kisses his cheek. “Look at you. You look like my son again.” She beams at him, making me feel like shit for the urge to tell her she was always his kid. That she doesn’t know him at all. That guilt doubles when she reaches behind her and squeezes my knee. “It’s so nice of you to come home with Brandon. You boys have always been such good friends. It’s so sad that you live so far away.”
She pulls away as Brandon says, “Actually, Alec’s moving to Ohio . . .”