by Nyrae Dawn
“No one leave this locker room until we’re done talking. Anyone touches their phones and I’m fucking breaking them. You record this, you’re off the team, I don’t care if I lose my job because of it,” Coach growls.
“You’re a fag?” Donny repeats.
“Yeah, I’m gay. Got a problem with it?” I take a step closer to him. The locker room is silent, the sound of my pulse a bullhorn in my own ears.
Theo shakes his head. “You gotta admit this came out of nowhere. We’re just trying to figure out what the hell you’re talking about.”
Some of the other guys from the team start whispering in the background.
Each second that I stand here, that I talk, I get lighter. “There’s not much to understand. I’m gay. I always have been but . . . hell, I was too weak to admit it. This is football, man. I’m not stupid. I know how it goes. I’m not lying about it anymore though.”
I look at Donny. “Nothing’s changed. I’m the same guy I’ve always been.”
“That’s bullshit, Chase. You’re not the fucking same. If so, you wouldn’t be telling us you’re a fag.”
“You say that again and I’m beating your ass.” I step toward Donny, ready to take him out but Coach grabs him.
“I’m not hiding it anymore. It is who I am. I’m also not leaving the team. Nothing’s changed. I’m still faster than anyone on the team and I’ll kick your ass too. If anyone has a problem, we need to deal with it here.”
Theo steps toward me. Damned if that one doesn’t hurt. He’s cool and I don’t want to lose him as a friend.
But then . . . he holds out his hand. It takes me a minute but then I reach out and grab it.
“I don’t give a shit who you fuck, Chase, as long as we win football games. The way I look at it, more girls for me.”
A few of the other guys laugh.
Dev pushes my shoulder. “I know I’m good-looking. As long as you can handle being around me and don’t go falling in love with me, or something, I’m good, bro.” He smiles so I know he’s kidding.
I hit him back. “Fuck you. You’re not my type. I already have someone anyway.”
Theo jumps on the bench. “Ah fuck. Chase has a boyfriend. This whole time I’ve been giving him shit about being pussy whipped.”
I run at him and he jumps down right before I get there. There’s more laughing after that and then Coach tells us all to calm down because we have to talk seriously about this. It’s not perfect. Donny sits on the other side of the room from me, his arms crossed. A couple other guys are around him, all of them keeping their distance and looking at me like they’re ready to kick my ass. But overall, everything is okay. They’re assholes and if they can’t deal with me, I don’t give a shit about them.
Coach comes at the whole thing professionally, asking my plan about coming out and all that and then tells everyone to keep their mouths shut until I say anything. I can tell he isn’t sure how to handle the whole situation but he’s not bailing on me either.
When everything finally starts to settle down, Theo and Dev come up to me. Automatically I cross my arms, ready to deal with it if they changed their minds.
Theo nods his head. “I just wanted to say sorry. I know I’ve said shit . . . not thinking, about people acting gay or you having a boyfriend or whatever. It’s just . . . shit people say. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“It’s shit people shouldn’t say, man.”
He nods. “We cool?”
“We’re cool.”
Dev speaks next, “I have an uncle who’s gay. My mom is the only person in her family who talks to him. He’s still my uncle and you’re still my boy.” He holds out his fist and I bump it with mine.
For the first time in my life, I walk out of the locker room . . . free. Feeling like, me.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I dial. There’s one more thing left to do.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Alec
When I get out of the shower, I pull on a pair of shorts. I don’t feel any better than I did before I went in. It’s been two days since Brandon tried to call me last. Since I was an asshole and didn’t answer.
I tried twice today but his cell when to voicemail each time.
Not that I know what I plan to say to him anyway. I miss him like hell but I don’t know if I can keep hiding anymore either.
On my way down the hall, there’s a knock on my front door. I almost go back to my room for a shirt, instead I just keep going.
As soon as I pull the door, Brand walks inside. All I can think is: Damn, it feels good to see him. Automatically, my body relaxes from the tension that’s gripped it for what feels like forever.
“Come on. We gotta hurry.” He grabs my wrist and pulls me into the living room. I hardly have time to close the door.
What the—? “Brand, what are you doing here?”
“I know you said you needed a few days. Technically it’s been that.” He turns to me, winks, and smiles. It hits me right in the chest. Holy shit is he sexy as hell.
And he’s . . . happy. Different.
“You wanna argue with me but don’t. My fucking plane was late and I thought I was going to have to call you and tell you to watch it by yourself. It was like a movie, man. I paid the cab extra to drive like a bat out of hell and everything. And that’s after I threatened to go somewhere else if it couldn’t play when I needed it to and had to beg my coach for a couple days off.”
I’m stumbling behind him trying to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.
Brandon hits the power button on my TV.
I pull to a stop, making Brand stop too. “What’s going on?”
He sighs and steps closer to me. “You’ll see. I know things have been screwed up but . . . trust me. You still trust me, right?” His hands land on my bare sides and he holds me waiting for my answer.
Damn if I don’t want to keep his hands on me. To touch him too. “You know I do. It wasn’t about that. It’s just—”
Brandon leans forward and presses his mouth to mine. The kiss is quick but everything I missed at the same time.
“Shh, baby. Just watch, okay? We’ll talk in a minute.” Brandon turns it to College Football Now! and then he’s dragging me to the couch to sit down.
It’s not thirty seconds later, I see why. Brandon’s on TV, sitting at a desk with a woman across from him. I’m pretty sure my heart stops beating.
“We’re here with Ohio Lancers running back, Brandon Chase. I’m sure most of you out there think we’re here to talk about his recent injury but that’s not why Brandon asked if he could come here today, is it?”
He clears his throat. “No. But I am going back this season. I can promise you that. I’m not going anywhere.”
She smiles.
“That’s just one of the big things in my life right now though.”
“Well, I’ll just let you come out and say it then.”
It takes Brandon a couple seconds before he looks up and says, “Now that I’m here, it feels kind of crazy to do it like this. To make it such a big deal because it really shouldn’t be, should it?”
“What shouldn’t be?” she asks him.
Brand shrugs. “Who I love.” He scratches his neck. “That I’m gay.”
I whip toward him, Brandon already staring at me. He came out. He came out in a huge-ass way. I can’t find the words to say any of that though. All I can do is look at him. The urge to touch him hits me again but I can’t make myself move.
Brandon nods his head toward the TV. “Watch. You’re missing it.”
I smile before giving the TV all my attention again. Unable to look away from him, on national TV, being the strongest damn person I know.
Brandon tells her he’s hid his sexuality his whole life. That he’s known for years. That he was scared of who he was, and scared of how people would react to it. She asks him questions and he answers them all—no fear.
Reaching over, I slide my hand to his inner thi
gh as I keep watching. She asks him about coming out to his team, which he tells her he did. On, and on, and on. It’s crazy, surreal, like some dream that I never thought would happen. So many thoughts ram into my head but I can’t sort them out. I don’t know what to say.
“Why now, Brandon? What’s changed that you decided you need to come out now?” she asks.
I scoot forward to the edge of the couch as though that will somehow make him answer quicker. As though he’s not right next to me.
“A few reasons, I guess. Like I said, I’ve been scared of this my whole life. Scared of people’s reactions and worried they’d think how I feel is wrong. But then . . . well, I guess by my hiding it, it’s like I thought it was wrong too. Maybe I did before but I don’t anymore. I wanted everyone to know that. To know who I am. The scared guy isn’t who I want to be.”
He takes a deep breath. “I’ve been in love with a guy since I was sixteen. We’ve denied it, hidden it, and broken up. None of that changed how I felt about him. It didn’t change the person I was.
“And then we tried to get back together while we were lying to the world about it. Not because of him, because of me. I didn’t want to be the gay football player. I didn’t even really know who I was. The only time I ever really made sense is when I was with him.”
The woman on TV cocks her head, looking at Brandon so sincerely. My body is begging me to do the same thing but I can’t turn away from what he’s saying either.
On TV, Brandon sighs. “I hurt him. I hurt me. It’s not supposed to be that way. Loving each other shouldn’t be a crime. I didn’t want it to be like that anymore.
“He lost people close to him because of how he feels about me. I just . . . I guess I wanted to make sure he knows there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ll never be ashamed of him. My whole life I thought my worth lied in how fast I could run or how many yards I could rush. That’s not all there is to who I am. There are things—people who are more important than anyone else. He gives me a rush being on the field never can. He makes me feel like someone. I mean, if he can love me, there has to be something there, right? Why would I hide that?”
The woman wipes her eyes. “That was beautiful.”
“I was going for sexy.” Brand smiles, and she laughs.
From there she goes into the effect on sports and how it’s changing with more players coming forward. Picking up the remote, I hit power. When the TV goes off, I drop the remote to the coffee table, still unable to find any words.
“Tell me you thought it was sexy. Hell, I’m going to catch so much shit for that.”
He’s trying to make me laugh but it doesn’t work. I keep hearing his words, the interview in my head and replaying everything that’s gone down recently. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Brandon asks.
“For pushing you away. For being a jealous prick because of the things I’d lost, and blaming you for it when it wasn’t your fault. For not talking to you about it.”
“Hey, I screwed up too. I screwed up more than you have, Al, but we’re starting over now, yeah? Plus you were right to be upset. I never should have expected you to hide like that, to pretend to be just my friend. It was wrong. I’m honored to love you and I shouldn’t have tried to cover that up.”
I get on my knees in front of him, kneeling between Brandon’s legs like he did to me not very long ago. Looking up at him, I say, “You’re brave as hell, Brand. What you just did was huge.” And yes I know he did it for himself but he did it for me too. I know that and it’s not something I’ll ever forget.
“I was going for sexy,” he says again. Brandon sobers then, and asks, “What happened with your mom? I should have asked you that first but I didn’t want you to miss it.”
That is Brandon. He has such a big damn heart that tried so long to hide behind all that fear.
I take a deep breath, rest my hands on his thighs and he cups the back of my neck. “Not as bad as dad. She loves me but she can’t handle it. Maybe one day she can accept it. Not now though.”
“Shit, I’m so sorry. I wish I would have been here with you.” He drops his forehead to mine.
“What you did was better.” Then I add, “Sexy.”
“Finally!”
I can’t help but laugh. “I missed you. So fucking much.”
“I missed you too, baby.” His lips touch mine and his tongue slips into my mouth. Pushing forward, I rise to my feet before coming down on him as he sits on the couch. Brandon’s hands run up and down my neck, back, chest and it was just like he said in the interview—it’s a rush that I only get from him.
“I know it’s not the same and I hope like hell we can work things out with your family but you know you have me, right? I’m yours, Al. You always have me and my family loves you. We can do this. We’ll do it right this time and fuck anyone who has a problem with it. Tell me you wanna make this work.”
I remember what he’s said to me before. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I just had to work some stuff out. I’ve always wanted you. You know that. It’s our time now, Brand. I don’t want to lose you again.”
“You won’t.” His fingers trace my abs.
We’ve been through so much shit over the years. So much pain and so many lies and fears but being here with him now, honest and together willing to fight anything that stands between us, I know two things.
I love him and I’m not ashamed of that. I don’t give a crap who doesn’t get it or has a problem with it. We’re all that matters and we love each other.
And the second thing is . . . All the shit we’ve dealt with—the pain and the anger and the secrets—brought us where we are right now.
And being with him is worth everything we’ve had to go through.
Epilogue
Brandon
Music blasts through the speakers, echoing out through the room. About seventy-five people wander around. Some of them are dancing, while others are in little groups talking.
Theo and Dev jerk around in the center of the room, doing some fucked-up kind of dancing and making their girlfriends laugh. I lean against the wall in the corner, and take a drink of my beer.
“You just graduated from school this weekend. You’re not supposed to be hiding out in the corner.” Alec steps up beside me. Reaching out, I touch his blond hair that’s a little shorter now than it used to be.
“Maybe I was waiting for my boyfriend to come and find me.” I nod my head a little, telling him to come here. Alec steps closer to me as I rest my hand on the back of his neck. “You look sexy.”
He rolls his eyes. “What’s the difference? I always look sexy.”
A laugh tumbles out of my mouth. Setting my beer on the table, I look at him again. The urge doesn’t hit me to pull away. It never does anymore. He’s mine and I’m his and I want the whole fucking world to know it. Being gay is part of who I am and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of him.
The corners of Alec’s blue eyes wrinkle. “What’s wrong? You look upset.”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Quit pretending like you know everything about me.”
Alec chuckles because we both know he does. “Do you regret it? Not going into the draft?”
Most of my friends did. Theo’s heading to New York, and Dev to Green Bay. I get asked all the time if I wish I would’ve gone. Why I decided to throw all that talent away but I don’t see it like that. I didn’t lose my skill. I just decided there are things more important to me. “You know I don’t. Do I wonder what could have been? Sure, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t but that’s not what I need outta life. There’s other things in life other than football.” And it was on my terms. Not because I couldn’t play ball or because I thought I had to. Not even because I didn’t want to be a gay football player. I did it because it’s what I want.
“Not if you ask some people.”
“I don’t care what other people think. Just us.” I’d be lying if Alec didn’t have a little t
o do with my decision. Not that he asked me or anything. He wouldn’t do that but damn, we’ve already lost so much time together, I don’t want to leave all the time. I don’t want to uproot our plans and switch cities, especially when he’s still in school.
“Brand . . .”
“Alec . . .” I smirk and he shakes his head. We’ve talked about his a million times but I know he worries. “We don’t have to do this. You know me better than anyone. You know I loved football but I never really wanted to live it. It’s a part of who I am, not the whole. And yeah, I know going into the NFL wouldn’t automatically mean football is who I am but I just . . . you know I have other things I want to do now. Important things that make me feel good . . . that make me feel like me. I didn’t know who I was for far too long. Now I do.”
“I always knew.” Alec leans forward. My hand tightens on the back of his neck, as he fists my shirt and kisses me. My tongue slides between his lips, and I taste him. It’s familiar and so fucking incredible.
“Fucking hell. Chase is making out with his boyfriend again. I swear you’re a horny bastard. Get a room.” Theo grabs Alec’s shoulders and mine and pretends he’s trying to pull us apart.
“You jealous?” I tease him.
“Maybe a little,” he replies.
“What?” His girlfriend swats his arm.
“I said only a little. I bet Alec never says he’s not in the mood because he has a headache.”
Everyone laughs, even Theo’s girl.
“You’re an idiot,” Dev tells him.
“Don’t pretend you never thought of it, man.” Theo nudges Dev.
Theo and Dev are the only guys from the team I really talk to anymore. It’s not that most of them aren’t cool with me being gay. They are but things are different with them. They’re more than just teammates, they’re friends. Not just to me but to Alec too. Donny and I haven’t talked since the season ended. It sucks but what are you gonna do? I don’t need people like that in my life.
“Your parents throw a pretty kick-ass party.” Dev looks around the room Mom and Dad insisted on renting out for a graduation party.