Phantom Waltz

by Catherine Anderson

  “Better that than all howl and no loyalty,” Ryan inserted.

  “Yep. His ornery’s up.” Sly slapped his hat on. “G’night.”

  “Good night, Sly,” Bethany called. “Thank you for—” She broke off and glanced guiltily at Ryan. “For all your help,” she finished softly.

  “Yeah, Sly. Thanks a bunch,” Ryan said. When the sound of the foreman’s footsteps faded away, he met Bethany’s gaze and said, “Start talking.”

  Her gaze chased away, and her cheeks went pink again. “About what?”

  Ryan sighed. She’d been crying. The end of her nose was all red, and she held one of Sly’s blue bandannas bunched in her hand. “We can start with the incident this afternoon. Can you explain to me why you chose to talk with some strange woman about our sex life in a public place? And in a bar, of all places?”

  She fiddled with the handkerchief, tugging up a corner, then tucking it back into the wad. “She wasn’t a stranger. Kate works for us. As for the bar, I asked her out for coffee, but she asked if we couldn’t go to a quiet place for a beer. She had a hangover and wanted some hair off the dog that bit her.”

  “A hangover, huh? That should have been your first clue. A quiet place? You were damned near raped in that quiet place. I see you went home to change your blouse.”

  “That’s why I didn’t go straight to the station. By the time I changed and got there, your folks were inside.” She pushed at her hair. “I was embarrassed to face them. It was all my fault—you being there and everything—and I just—” She shook her head. “Now your dad’s in jail. Oh, God. They’ll hate me forever.”

  “They won’t hate you.” Ryan drew up his knees to brace his arms. For a long moment he said nothing. “You know, Bethany, the number one requirement for a great relationship is being open with each other.”

  “No, it’s not,” she said thinly. “The number one thing is good sex.”

  “And you feel I didn’t give you that.”

  She looked genuinely appalled to hear him say that. “No. Oh, Ryan, no. I’m the one who failed you, not the other way around.”

  He could see the pain in her eyes—dark, shifting shadows that made him want to hug her. “You didn’t fail me, sweetheart. It was fabulous for me.”

  “No. Do you really think I’m that naive? I wasn’t asleep when you got up last night. You were so upset because I felt nothing, you left the house.”

  Ryan puffed air into his cheeks while he mulled over the situation. “So rather than upset me again, you recruited Sly to tell you how to fake an orgasm?”

  “No, of course not. I talked to Kate first. Running into Sly tonight was an accident.”

  “And after running into him, you asked him how to fake it,” he inserted again. “Just how long did you think that would work, Bethany?”

  “I don’t know. Forever, I hoped.” Her lower lip quivered. “I don’t want to lose you. If I can’t make you happy that way, I’ll lose you.”

  He slapped some hay from his pant leg. “I was upset last night. I admit it. I wanted it to be good for you, and it was really difficult for me to accept when it wasn’t.”

  She fixed him with an imploring gaze. “It was good for me. All the parts I could feel. You can’t—” She broke off and gave the bandanna a vicious twist. “You can’t compare me to other women. Up until you, I had never even been with anyone and had little hope I ever would be. The parts I could feel were wonderful. You’re wonderful. If I can have just that much—if there’s never anything more for the whole rest of my life—I’ll feel like the luckiest woman alive.” She groaned and lifted her hands. “I don’t want to lose you. Please, try to understand. If my pretending to feel would have made it better for you, I was willing to pretend.”

  Ryan leaned his head against the wall. Wink was munching grain, the sound so familiar that he focused on it for calm. When he finally lowered his gaze back to Bethany, his anger had ebbed. “Promise me something.”

  “What?”

  “That you’ll never lie to me again, even if you think it’s what I need to hear.”

  She squeezed her eyes closed. When she finally lifted her lashes, her face had gone pale. “I’m sorry I lied. It’s not something I do very often, and I don’t blame you for being angry. But try to understand my side. All the wishing in the world won’t change my body, and I could lose you over this. The thought terrifies me.” She laughed shakily. “Isn’t that ironic? One of the main reasons I refused to have a relationship with you in the first place was because I feared exactly this. Now it’s happened. I feel nothing. Only it doesn’t matter. I want you anyway. And I—if you leave me, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  She bent her head. “I swore I’d never do this to you. Clinging and begging. Wanting to keep you, no matter what, even if being with me won’t make you happy.” Her voice went shrill. “I’m sorry.”

  Ryan twisted onto his knees and crawled over to her chair. “I’m not going to leave you, honey. And if you try to leave me, I’m going with you. You got it?” He put his arms around her, pressed his face against the curve of her neck, and just held her for a while. “What you said just now—about enjoying all the parts you can feel, about that being wonderful and more than you ever had. I’ll remember that. The problem last night wasn’t that you failed to make it good for me, Bethany. It was fantastic. So fantastic I felt guilty as hell. You gave me so much, and I couldn’t give you anything back.”

  She clung to him almost frantically, as if she was dangling off the edge of a cliff and he was her only lifeline. “You gave me everything,” she whispered fiercely. “It was so wonderful, Ryan. You gave me everything.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  He pressed a kiss just under her ear. “You willing to go another round? I’ve been thinking all day about what you said this morning—about me going deeper. Last night, what with it being the first time and all, I was so afraid of hurting you that I didn’t go very deep. Who knows? Maybe if I do, I’ll find one beautiful little nerve ending that’s still alive and kicking in there.”

  “If not, it doesn’t matter. Just having your arms around me is enough, Ryan. Being with you is enough.”

  Ryan tightened his hold on her, knowing she was right. Never had he loved anyone so much, and if God gave them only this, if holding her and loving her was all he could ever have, it would be enough.

  Because, to him, she was absolutely everything.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Moonlight filtered in through the bedroom window, washing everything in silver. Stretched out full length on the mattress with Bethany tucked under his arm, Ryan gazed at her face, thinking how very beautiful she was, her features so delicate they might have been made of porcelain. He traced the shape of her brows with his lips, then trailed kisses down her nose, loving the way her breath caught and how she tightened her hands over his shoulders. He moved to her shell-like ear, nibbling lightly at the lobe.

  “What can I do to please you?” she suddenly asked, trying to turn her head and foil his attempt to kiss her on the mouth.

  “You please me just by existing,” he whispered. “By being here with me. That’s all I want, all I need, more than I ever dreamed I might have.”

  He felt her nose wrinkle against his jaw, a facial gesture that was habitual and always made him want to smile. “Don’t be evasive, Ryan. You know very well what I mean. I’m new at this, and you need to be open with me so I can do all the things that turn you on. Do you like garter belts and nylons?”

  He smiled in the shadowy gloom. “Kate again?”

  “She did mention it’s a favorite thing of men.”

  “Hmm. I like garter belts all right, I guess. But I’m not hung up on them.”

  “What do you like, then? I really want to know, Ryan. It’s important to me to please you.”

  He just wanted her to lie back and let him devour her. Somehow, though, he didn’t think that was what she wanted to hear. “I like you. A lot.”<
br />
  She laughed and playfully slugged his arm. “What a cop-out. Tell me. There must be things that turn you on. Do you like high heels?”

  “Not really. I can’t say I like any one thing in particular.” He found the hollow beneath her ear and savored the taste of her skin there, thinking to himself that she was as intoxicating as wine, the faint scent of her shampoo making his head spin. “You could make me drool wearing a burlap sack.”

  “You’re impossible.”

  “I like tight jeans and western shirts,” he confessed as he nuzzled the curls at her temple. “The kind with pearl snaps on the breast pockets? There’s something about seeing those pearls winking at me that makes my mouth go bone dry.”

  She giggled and toyed lightly with the hair on his chest. “I’ll go buy some immediately. Would you like me to wear just the shirt and nothing else?”

  “Sweet Christ.” He grew still for a moment. “Would you?”

  “If you’d like me to.”

  “Like isn’t the word. Can I go with you to pick them out myself? I like fringe at the yoke, too. That white, shiny fringe. It shimmers and shifts back and forth. That drives me wild.”

  “I’ll definitely wiggle my fringe a lot,” she said with a laugh. “Do you like a woman to cook, wearing nothing but an apron?”

  “As long as I can untie the sash. Holy hell.” He trailed his lips over her cheek, intent on claiming her mouth. “You’re driving me crazy. Enough talk. I want you, Bethany. Now.”

  She held him off by pressing a palm to his chest. “Just a few more questions, I promise.”

  He sighed. “Only a few.”

  She looked up at him with those beautiful blue eyes that always made him feel a little short on oxygen. “Do you, um, like fellatio?” Her voice went husky and shy as she posed the question. “I haven’t ever done it, but I think—”

  Startled, Ryan reared back to stare at her. He’d been with more women than he cared to remember, and never once had he been asked that question in just this way. Only Bethany would call it by its proper name behind closed doors. He suppressed a grin, not wanting to embarrass her. “It’s all right, I guess,” he said cautiously, half afraid she might scoot under the covers if he gave a more enthusiastic response. “It’s not one of my favorite things.”

  “Oh. Why not? I thought guys really liked it.”

  He bent to take her mouth in a long, deep kiss. As he broke the contact, he said, “I’d much rather perform that service for you.”

  She wrinkled her nose again. “I want to do things for you, not the other way around. I didn’t do anything to make it nice for you last night.”

  She was clearly bent on pumping him for information, and Ryan had a feeling he’d better cooperate unless he wanted her to have another tête-à-tête with Kate, the sex guru. He sighed and settled himself beside her again, propping his head on his hand. After winding a lock of her hair around his finger, he said, “I enjoy touching and kissing you. Knowing it makes you feel good makes me feel good.”

  “I’m very glad because I loved everything you did last night,” she whispered, “and I’m sure I always will, but it can’t always be only you who tries to please me. I want to be a satisfying bed partner. I never want you to feel like you’re missing out on anything.”

  “That’ll never happen. Being with you, making love with you—that was the best it’s ever been for me, Bethany. Incredible. Beautiful. You can’t improve on perfection, not in my books.”

  “Oh, Ryan, do you really feel that way?”

  “I really do. And there’s nothing particular I want you to do.” He leaned over to kiss the end of her nose. “Except stop talking.” He released her hair to move his hand to her breast. After capturing her nipple between his thumb and finger, he gave it a roll, smiling when she gasped and arched at the shock of sensation. He dipped his head to tease the tip of captured flesh with flicks of his tongue, which made her moan and make fists in his hair. “I just want to love you,” he whispered. “For as long as I want, however I want. Do you have a problem with that?”

  Her only response was a breathless mewling sound. She drew his head closer to her breast, offering herself to him and silently encouraging him to take. It was a request he couldn’t refuse.

  Forearmed with the knowledge that foreplay might be the only part of this that she could really enjoy, he lingered over her, kissing and fondling every spot on her body where she did have sensation. He wanted to make the prelude as glorious as possible. If he couldn’t give her satisfaction, he’d at least give her sensuality and show her how desperately he loved her with every touch of his hands and lips.

  Slow, feather-light caresses. Barely perceptible kisses. He used all his experience at lovemaking, putting his own urgent needs on hold while he met hers. Bethany. She was so dear. He loved the breathless way she cooed when he found a sensitive place and teased it with the tip of his tongue … loved how she tried to press closer to him … how she clung to him and cried out his name. Bethany. God, how he adored her.

  Ryan rolled her onto her belly and kissed a slow trail down her spine, lingering just below her shoulder blades where he knew women were sensitive. From there, he moved to the hollow just under her arm, making goose bumps rise on her satiny skin as he journeyed slowly down her delicate rib cage to her waist, then to her plump derriere. Her buttocks quivered beneath his lips, telling him how intense the sensations were for her.

  When he rolled her back over, the shaft of moonlight fell across her breasts and gilded the turgid, pink crests. Smiling, he lay next to her, using his free hand to gently caress her while he lingered over her nipples, tormenting them with light flicks until they throbbed against his tongue and stood at eager attention. Then suddenly laying siege, he nipped them gently with his teeth and drew sharply with his mouth.

  “Ryan!” She sobbed his name and arched up. He stayed with her, tasting and suckling until she trembled and he could feel her stomach muscles jerking beneath his palm. At that point his own needs had grown until he ached with urgency. Sliding his hand to the juncture of her thighs, he curled his fingers over her nest of curls to be sure she was ready. His fingertips encountered a slick, wet heat, an age-old welcome to any man.

  As he withdrew his hand, Ryan brushed his fingertips over her clitoris. Bethany jumped as if he’d jabbed her with a pin. He froze, his gaze fixed on her face. Last night, he’d failed miserably to give her an orgasm by touching her there, and because it had been her first time, he’d been reluctant to suggest that he try doing it another way for fear of embarrassing her. It was still a little soon to introduce her to that kind of intimacy, but since she’d been the one to mention it first, he decided he might at least bring up the possibility.

  “Sweetheart, would you let me try kissing you there?”

  She frowned. “You touched me there last night, and it was uncomfortable for me.”

  “I know, but my hands are like sandpaper. I could be much gentler with my mouth.”

  She cupped a slender hand over the back of his, as though to protect the spot. “Oh, I don’t think—”

  “If it’s just that you’re supersensitive there, doing it with my mouth might make all the difference,” he murmured, bending to suckle a nipple as he spoke. Her breath caught at the contact, and she mewled softly again. Between teasing passes of his tongue, he urged, “Please, honey? Say yes. It would make me so happy to give you an orgasm.”

  She arched up to his mouth. “Will you stop if it’s uncomfortable for me?”

  “Of course.”

  “All right,” she said breathlessly. “I don’t think it will work, but if you want to try, I won’t stop you. If you truly want to, that is.”

  Oh, he wanted to. That sweet, nerve-packed flange of flesh was already swelling beneath his fingertips without his doing anything. Maybe she did have nerve damage there, just as she suspected, and he was tilting at windmills. There was only one way to find out.

  He twisted onto his knees and push
ed her legs apart so he might kneel between them. She smiled and released his hand. Ryan grabbed the unused pillow next to her and shoved it under her bottom.

  “What are you doing?” she asked in bewilderment.

  “Just getting you in a better position.”

  He cocked her knees out so they rested on the ends of the pillow, leaving her open and vulnerable. She cupped her slender hands over the exposed area, clearly self-conscious. They couldn’t have that. Ryan lowered himself over her and reached back to tug up the covers to better shield her modesty.

  He did his best work under a blanket, anyway.

  “I love you so much,” he whispered. “Have I told you that recently?”

  She giggled. “Not for at least three minutes, you heel.”

  He bent to take her mouth in a long kiss, smiling at how eagerly she melted into it. His Bethany. His heart twisted, and he sent up a silent prayer. Please, God, let this work. Let me give her pleasure. I’ll never miss church on Sunday again, and I’ll say a blessing at every meal, and I’ll be on my knees beside the bed each night. I’ll be the most reverent, faithful man you ever saw, I swear, and I’ll give thanks for the rest of my life. Just give me this one thing.

  Not wishing to embarrass her, Ryan didn’t head immediately for his mark. Instead he went through all the motions again, kissing her mouth, then all the sensitive places on her body, working his way south the entire while. She held nothing back from him, her response unconditional and given without hesitation. In only a couple of minutes, he had her mewling and quivering with need again.

  When he settled his mouth over the spot he’d been aiming to reach, her mewling changed to startled whimpers. He flicked her lightly with his tongue, taking care not to apply too much pressure for fear of hurting her. She made an odd sound at the back of her throat and then gasped in surprise and sighed with pleasure. Oh, yes.

  He wanted so much to make this good for her. He felt that beautiful little tuft of femininity begin to swell again under the careful ministrations of his mouth, and soon the underlying hardness of her arousal was apparent with every pass of his tongue. He could feel her heartbeat there—her pulse pounding like a trip-hammer.