by RJ Blain
Michael pointed at the top of the door. “That rose is actually a camera. As I said, my brother enjoys his luxuries, and he always gets the latest and greatest. Technology amuses him. You will enjoy stable electricity, good television, air conditioning, and all the creature comforts you can think of. He has a fascination with bathrooms.”
“Aren’t you supposed to talk people out of wanting to conquer the Devil and his hells? That’s not talking me out of it. That’s encouraging me. Does his fascination with bathrooms include really big tubs?”
“Indeed.”
The door creaked open, and I stepped out of the way so I wouldn’t get smacked with it. “Isn’t it easier to defend if the doors swing into the place rather than outwards?”
Gabriel pointed to the door, which was several inches thick. “Do you think it could be opened without the Devil’s consent? He rules over every element of his many hells. Every gout of flame happens at his will.”
“I hope he’s able to program it like I can the VCR. That sounds like a pain in the ass, having to worry about all the fire and when it shoots up. There was a lot of fire out there. I’ll make sure I delegate that to someone else unless I’m in a mood to landscape.”
“I see you have decided you will be a ruthless ruler.”
“Absolutely. I have more important things to do unless the spouting fire is scalding the shit out of some fucking asshole in need of punishment.” I stepped into the entry, which reminded me of a grand cathedral on Earth. A painting on the vaulted ceiling drew my attention. “Oh damn, that’s nice.” I pointed at one of the scenes, which depicted unicorns during the Great Flood. “There are unicorns.”
“Yes. My brother does enjoy his luxuries. You will have to ask him about the nature of the paintings.”
“It’s beautiful.” I could lose hours staring up at the ceiling. I recognized some of the scenes, although one caught my attention, depicting a flaming, bronze-skinned incubus reaching out to touch the hand of the Christian god. “That’s like that chapel in Europe.”
“Do you mean the Sistine Chapel?”
“Yeah, that place. It’s a chapel in Europe. But in the original painting, it’s some random dude rather than a smoking hot incubus.” I checked the incubus’s chest, nodding my satisfaction at the presence of rather nice nipples to go with his striking face with a chiseled jaw and defined cheekbones. “I like that he’s not white. He’s a rather nice golden brown. He’s also hot.”
“Well, he is wearing fire.”
“Wrong kind of hot. I mean, check out his chest. That is male perfection. Women must line up for a chance to play with that chest.”
“You disturb me,” Gabriel announced.
“If that’s all it takes to disturb you, I’ll make sure to go shirtless and wear flames in your presence,” the gruff, deep voice announced, and a moment later, the incubus from the painting strode out from behind a column deep within the vaulted chamber. Rather than flames, he wore a black suit with black shirt and tie. “It’s unlike you to bring a guest to my home, Gabriel.”
“I only handled the teleportation. Michael issued the invitations.”
“Really, Michael? You brought a human woman to my domain?” The incubus strode closer, looking me over, and his gaze settled on my brother, who hid in my hair the instant the Devil’s gaze fell upon him. “Not quite human. A snow leopard? You brought a snow leopard to my hells? It is bad enough you would bring a woman, but to bring a feline?”
If the Devil was trying to paint a target on his pretty chest, he did an admirable job of it. I would have to put some thought into if I wanted to take over the place to get at the Devil or take it over for my other goals.
Why settle for one or the other? I’d enjoy the scenery while running the place.
“Indeed,” Michael confirmed. “You are unwittingly in her debt.”
I liked the sound of that. “I’ll accept complete rulership of your hells until I grow tired of it or have no use of it as repayment. You could also do as I wish out of the generosity and kindness of your heart.” Somehow, I kept my expression calm and neutral. “You’ll do all the work I don’t want to, of course, but Michael and Gabriel implied you have a dungeon, and I would like to make extended use of it.”
The Devil’s attention snapped from my brother to me. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Absolutely not. Originally, I was just planning on conquering the place so I could make use of the dungeons until I’m done with my dirty work, but after getting a look at you, I definitely need to add you to my conquering. Michael, why wouldn’t the succubi want him? He’s hot. I mean, he’s the Devil, so it’s not like I have to keep him long term unless he’s that good, right?”
“I already told you succubi dislike monogamy, and for all his faults, my brother typically prefers his women one at a time. To pay them proper attention, or so he claims. He does not like admitting his angelic nature makes him wish to indulge in monogamy. The succubi do not wish to be monogamous for all eternity, nor do they wish to have the responsibilities of being the Queen of Hell.”
“I don’t care about titles, I just need to run the place for a while,” I replied.
The Devil’s mouth dropped open, but he remained silent.
I took another look around the entry, snapping my fingers at the doors. “Stop air conditioning the outdoors.”
“Are you serious?”
“Absolutely.”
The doors closed. “How am I in this woman’s debt, Michael?”
“She secured the safety of an infant you hold responsibility for, and she has done so for a period of sixteen years.”
I raised a brow, narrowing my eyes while considering the archangel. “You’re playing both of us, aren’t you?”
Maybe I couldn’t see Michael’s head, I suspected the asshole archangel smiled. “Perhaps.”
“You know what? I don’t care. Look, Mr. Devil, I need to use your hells for a while.” I pointed at my chipmunk brother. “Some assholes did this to my brother, and I’ve the word of an archangel these assholes are in some serious need of justice, and you’re my best chance of securing that. Killing the fuckers isn’t good enough. After I kill them, I want to come here and continue my dirty work until they’ve paid for their sins. All of them. And the one? He sent me rose petals and implied I should showcase my assets for him.”
The Devil didn’t bother to hide his head-to-toe visual examination of my body. “Any man with functioning eyeballs would want your assets showcased for his enjoyment.”
“Thank you, but I really can’t afford to have some man—or fallen angel—distracting me right now. I’d really like to make use of your hells for a while. What do you say?”
“Perhaps, for a price.”
“You already owe me. I’m also worried. You look pretty, but you don’t look pretty reliable.” I circled the Devil, admiring the cut of his suit. “Michael, is this an incubus thing? Are they all like this?”
“An incubus does need to appeal to their target to work their magic. It is much harder to entice a human who has no interest. My brother has had many ages to hone his skills.”
“That’s nice, but I’m not here for a good time. Well, not that good of a time. He’s definitely worth admiring.”
“It disturbs me how honest you are being about this. What an interesting human. You acknowledge your attraction for his current form, but you will not indulge in your human nature.” Michael laughed, fluttered his wings, and shrugged. “It seems you have met your match this time, Lucifer.”
“I think not.”
Well, that wouldn’t help me accomplish my goals. “Let’s try that again. Would you please loan me your hells for a while? The duration will be determined by the completion of my plans. These include revenge on the assholes who did this to my brother, restoring my brother to an at least humanoid shape, and taking care of some other business involving a little girl who’ll be a woman by the time I make my moves. I’ll decide precisely what I’l
l do later for that.”
“That’s rather open ended,” the Devil stated in a rather unamused voice.
“Yes, and? It’s not like you have to kiss my feet and call me baby. You just have to do what you’re told. Mostly, you’ll run the parts of this place I don’t feel like handling, inflict the appropriate amounts of punishment on the fucking assholes in residence, and help me accomplish my plans should I require your assistance. I’ll try to inconvenience you as little as possible,” I promised.
The Devil narrowed his eyes. “But what if I’d like to kiss your feet and call you baby?”
I shook my head. “Sorry, but I think not. This is business, and I’m not mixing business and pleasure. I’m sure you’re a pleasure. You definitely look like you’d be a pleasure, but I’m here for business, so you’ll just have to convince a succubus to play with you for a while. You would probably have better luck with them if you set a time limit of maybe four or five hours. Have your fun, tire her out, tuck her in to bed, leave a chocolate on her pillow, and invite her to pay you another visit if she liked it. Maybe start a bachelorette contest to see if any of them happen to like your brand of sexy.”
The Devil stared at his brothers. “Did you really bring a human woman to my house so she could give me advice on my sex life?”
“I did not expect her to give you advice on your sex life, my dear brother, but I am honored to have witnessed it,” Michael replied. “I would like to mention she rejected you.”
“That hasn’t happened for a while,” the Devil admitted. “I suppose there might be some succubi who could put up with me for an extended period of time. This idea of leaving chocolates on her pillow seems rather absurd to me. Most of them run away if I even think I might like to keep her around for a while.”
“Most women like chocolate,” I informed him. “Well, some. Personally, I prefer iced coffee after exercise, but chocolate is nice enough.”
“Iced coffee?” the Devil blurted.
“Yes. It’s coffee that is served on ice, usually with extra cream and sugar.”
“Why did you bring her here, Michael?” the Devil asked. “She commits terrible sins against coffee.”
“She asked me nicely, I know the sins of the group she wishes to take on without any help at all if she can manage, and it would bring justice for many. You would also harvest many souls as a result.”
“That’s no reason to bring this sinner against coffee here. It’s like you want her to take the place over, and she might take my proper coffee away from me. Sugar and cream, over ice?”
The more the Devil talked, the more I enjoyed offending him. Ruling over his many hells might prove even better than expected, especially if I could annoy and offend him daily.
Then again, perhaps not, especially if he convinced his succubi to visit his residence. I couldn’t compare to a succubus. I wouldn’t even come close.
“Now that you mention it, yes. That would be interesting.”
I giggled at the archangel’s tone, which came across as bored more than anything. “I’m happy to only mostly take the place over, as long as you do what I say. I’m sure it’ll be no more than a few blinks of your eyes. Also, if your incubi get ideas, I’ll cut their dicks off and feed it to them. I’ve made it through life this far successfully telling asshole men no, and I have no intention of changing that game plan now.”
The archangels spread their wings and fanned their feathers.
The Devil raised a perfect brow. “And should I get ideas?”
“I have claws, and I’m not afraid to use them. I’m not nice enough to spice or grill your sausage before shoving it down your throat.”
Both archangels vanished in a flash of silvery light.
“Damn. Think they’ll come back to help me get back to Earth? Because I have a lot to do to bring down those fucking loan sharks.” I thought about it and shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t know what they’re getting upset over. It’s not like they even have nipples. Have you seen those two? Ruining those otherwise perfect chests through a lack of nipples. Offensive, that’s what it is.” I pointed at the Devil. “You better be packing nipples like the painting, or I’m going to have to go siege the heavens to have a talk with Him about this travesty.”
The Devil stared at me, his mouth hanging open.
I planted my hands on my hips. “What part are you having trouble with?”
“The entire damned thing, really.”
“It’s simple. Loan sharks shoved transformatives down my brother’s throat and forced me to watch while holding a gun to my head, now one of the bastards sent me some rose petals and invited me to show off my assets for his enjoyment. I’m going to bring their entire outfit down, I’m going to use you to do it, and the only payment you’re getting is watching me torture their souls for however long I fucking see fit using your dungeon. It has to be stocked with everything I need to make sure their stay in your hells is particularly heinous. If they ever get out of this joint, they’ll put angels to shame in their purity and good nature.”
The Devil canted his head to the side. “You’re going to kill them, send their souls to me, take over my many hells, and torture them in my dungeons while I watch? Not only will you torture them in my dungeons, you will do so until you give their souls a major alignment adjustment. Did I hear you correctly?”
“That sounds about right.”
“First, you have no guarantees of the souls’ final destination.”
“The archangel said they’ve done far worse to others. If He allows that sort of filth in His heavens, well, I guess it’s a damned good thing I don’t give a shit if this ends up my permanent residence. I’ll work hard to earn it, since when an archangel says I’m going to hell, I believe him. On the bright side, I get to secure some justice for others in the process. That means I’ve got about a week to dig up as much on these fuckers as I can. I’ll show up and show off my assets, and I’ll wipe the fuckers out at the same time. I mean, I’ll have to hit some of them sooner, so I’m really pinched on time. What’s your next complaint?”
“Do you have any experience working a dungeon?”
“No, but I spent a lot of time fantasizing how I’d peel the skin off the fucker who raped a friend, leading to her suicide.”
“Hmm.” The Devil prowled around me, trailing a finger along my shoulders before flicking my hair. “You could practice on him if you wanted.”
I froze, sucking in a breath. “You know who did it?”
I’d searched, but I’d never found the bastard. I supposed it was for the better. Had I found him, I would have carved justice out of his flesh and made my brother look like an angel in the process.
“I am the Devil. That’s child’s play for me. The rules of the heavens are simple enough. He never welcomes a rapist into his heavens. It is a supreme violation. Those souls all come here one day, no matter how remorseful those souls might be. He is not as forgiving as humans like to believe. The remorseful do not stay as my guests—”
“Fucking assholes,” I corrected. “They are not guests. Guests enjoy privileges.”
The Devil sighed. “Very well. The fucking assholes who show true remorse do not stay in my hells for long before they are evicted back to the mortal coil to see if they’ve learned their lesson.”
“You rehabilitate souls, and you use torture methods to do it,” I stated, regarding the Devil with a frown. “That so doesn’t match your reputation.”
“I’m the Lord of Lies, not the Lord of Sunny Afternoon Strolls. Why would I use other methods to do it? It takes true punishment to leave a mark on a seed of life or a soul. During the End of Days, my count of souls matter, but in the meantime? Why keep the fucking assholes longer than necessary?”
Huh. I understood the Devil a lot better than I did his brothers. “So, will you help me? It’s a good deal for you.”
“I fail to see how this is a good deal for me.”
“You get to do your thing, but you’re doing it at my sa
y so, so whenever your underlings annoy you, you can just blame me for the edicts they don’t like. I’m assuming you have underlings.”
“I have devils and demons, yes. We’d be here for half an eternity if we discussed their types. I have generals who control facets of my army, and I have the army, but until the End of Days, they’ll bicker amongst themselves and annoy me. They rarely like any of my edicts.”
“Well, I’ll carve chunks out of them if they get mouthy about your edicts, and I’ll use your dungeons to do it.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“It does when I’m running the place.”
The Devil frowned. “I suppose if it is your hells, it is your rules, but I will tell you this much: neither my demons nor my devils will at all appreciate that.”
“They aren’t supposed to appreciate it. They’re supposed to stand the fuck in line and do as they’re told to avoid it. If they walk the straight and narrow, then they won’t have chunks carved out of them, now will they?”
“So, you want to take over, have me work as normal, and take the dissenters to my dungeon, carve punishments into their hides, and teach them to never cross you?”
“Correct. And if they’re just an annoyance, you can do the carving on my behalf. I might just observe while looking bored. Do you think it’s more effective if you’re doing the carving while I watch? I could work with that. It’s only a few years. I’m sure it won’t tax you too much. It’s not like mortal years are long for you, right? You’re eternal. You’ll blink, and I’ll be gone.” I shrugged. “Or become one of the fucking assholes in residence.”
“Let me take this from the top, simply so I can be certain I understand this situation correctly.”