A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  As promised, he made me purr. Then, as he defined sin, he kept me purring until he broke my purr motor and left me a quivering mess. Long after I lost my voice, he carried me to his bathtub, resumed his general explorations, and wore me out until I could barely keep my eyes open. Only then did he declare himself satisfied, amusing himself with the bubbles while I lounged in the warm water and dozed.

  I appreciated being able to use his perfect chest as my pillow.

  Somehow, I’d found heaven located in the depths of hell.

  A knock at the bathroom door made the Devil sigh. “Is nothing sacred? What is it?”

  I cracked open an eye. Phenexia entered, and she held two folded towels, which she placed on the vanity. “Your sitting room is infested with sleeping succubi. You forgot to dampen your aura.”

  “I didn’t forget. I just didn’t bother to do it. I am making a very important point. Have they seduced the entirety of my many hells yet?”

  The succubus chuckled and shrugged. “Most of it. I would best describe that lot as jelly at the moment, for they’re incapable of doing anything other than quiver and ooze across the floor. I wisely paid the mortal coil a visit upon your retirement for the evening, so I missed the general festivities. Belial wishes for me to inquire with your lady if she would like to be rescued now that you have worked through your hunger.”

  “That’s because you’re smart. She doesn’t require anyone to rescue her, although I will be putting her to bed after she’s soaked for a while longer. Have you successfully seduced your angel and human yet?”

  She wrinkled her nose. “He’s being stubborn, and she thinks I’m amusing. They’re discussing the ‘m’ word. Apparently, I have to wait until we’re properly wed, and the only reason his family is permitting it is because they believe angels are honorable partners and impeccable mothers, except I’m the one who’ll be hauling our baby around during the pregnancy. That earned my welcome with the family, although they’re not sure about me at all. I’m here because of that horrible word.”

  “It’s an important word,” I mumbled.

  “You’re still capable of talking? Tsk, tsk,” the Devil replied, and he held me closer. “Speaking of the ‘m’ word, do make sure those succubi realize that winning their little game does involve that word, and it is not a vow they can break. If they want to give Darlene some entertainment, I am fine with that, but they need to keep their games tolerably civil. Influencing her at their leisure at opportune moments, for my enjoyment, is tolerable. They’d likely earn favor with me, especially as I’m rather enjoying this method of conversion. How long do you think it’ll take? What sort of delightful creature will she become?”

  “She’ll become a succubus, of course. If you’re converting her that way, there are limited options, and as she seems to be enjoying your attention, it would be the one route that would ensure she’d receive more of your attention. As she’s not currently a succubus and cannot sustain herself through stealing your energy, you need to dry her off, either wrap her in a towel or dress her, take her into the sitting room or dining room, and feed her. After she’s been fed, you can tuck her into your bed and hover while she rests. I need you to convince my father he has to play at being mortal, else I can’t get married. Do you know what my father did when I asked?”

  “He laughed at you.”

  “He laughed at me,” she confirmed.

  “Did you see the kittens?”

  “They’re on your bed. They hissed at the succubi stampede and invited themselves to your pillows. I checked on them before coming in here. They are Lady Darlene’s kittens?”

  “They’re her kittens, a gift from Him.”

  “Oh. Oh, my. How unusual.”

  “He wishes for her to have companionship while I’m busy, and they’ll be her guardians when she rests.”

  “Is she recovering well?”

  I yawned, settled against the Devil’s chest, and closed my eyes to resume my enjoyment of the bath.

  “She’s well enough. She was quite enamored with my chest, and she energetically pursued her interests. When I tried to pursue my interests, I got bitten.”

  “I’m sure you deserved it.”

  “She’s very talented with her teeth.”

  “I’m sure she is. Would you like to be rescued, Darlene? Belial is concerned you might delay your revenge indefinitely if you remain a hostage in Lucifer’s bedroom, and he has everything you require to bring ruination to the mortals responsible for your brother’s plight.”

  I yawned and cuddled closer to the Devil. “Nap now, revenge in about eight hours. No rescuing, but tell Lucifer he needs to behave for a while.”

  “You need to behave for a while, Lucifer. She sounds horrible. What did you do to her?”

  “I just made her purr! I like when she purrs.”

  “You are awful. I’ll get her a drink and something to soothe her throat. You’ve established your territory, so behave yourself. Help her acquire revenge before you resume establishing your territory.”

  “But are you really sure I’ve established my territory?”

  “There are exhausted succubi bodies all over your sitting room and some very happy incubi strutting around. I think you’ve made your point. I’m the only coherent female here, and the neighboring levels aren’t in much better condition.”

  The Devil shrugged. “It’s not my fault she’s so lovely. I’m hoping I’ve earned at least a few spots with my performance. I’ll bring her out in a few minutes and find appropriate sustenance for her. I’ll also make sure the kittens are tended to. Please make it known they are not defenseless creatures, and they are not to be disturbed. I may or may not be inclined to replant any slain devils or demons who disturb her kittens.”

  “I will make certain the other denizens are aware the kittens are lethal kittens, and that you will have no mercy on any who disturb them or your lady.”

  “Good. Please ask Belial to come here so we can discuss the matters of revenge, and check on Jonas.”

  “Jonas is in a rather subdued state at this point in time.”

  “How many succubi got a hold of him?” The Devil snickered. “It’s their fault for making it clear I had to establish my territory.”

  “He enjoyed the company of twins, and they’re still quite tangled together at the moment. Perhaps you should have given him a chance to adapt before setting him loose?”

  “The best way to learn is through experience. He’s now somewhat experienced, content, and he’ll have his other nurturing instincts turned on when he has two exhausted succubi to attend to. I can’t have all the incubi being selfish fiends. Some of them need to be nurturing, or there’d be whining succubi when they wish to have children.”

  I didn’t need to hear what my brother was up to, especially not if the Devil had transformed him into an incubus. “You turned my brother into an incubus?”

  “I absolutely did. The other options would have been more disastrous, as your brother has significant violent tendencies. Becoming an incubus will smooth those particular instincts out and orient him more towards reproduction. Having tired succubi around in his early development will flip on the markers that will make him more inclined to be delicate with women. I expect we’ll be having a few more incidents like this before I’m confident he can be trained in other arts appropriate for his new species.”

  I did the math: the Devil plus a bed equaled delicious exhaustion with time spent soaking in his tub with bubbles—bubbles the Devil enjoyed as much as I did. As the formula produced acceptable results, I said, “You can train him properly and thoroughly after I’ve acquired my revenge. We need to get the abused family of those fuckers to a safe place, too.”

  “Yes, that is a situation I am monitoring. I will make certain your revenge accounts for them. You may not be able to personally handle that matter, but I have some excellent demons and devils who are able and willing to do the work.”

  “I don’t care who handles it as long as it
is handled.”

  “Let me get you something to eat so you can enjoy your nap while I make other arrangements.”

  “Don’t you sleep?”

  “Only with you. I’m the Devil, Darlene. I don’t have to sleep unless I want to. I took a nap once. It lasted a hundred years. That was a nice nap, but for some reason, the fucking assholes in residence were cranky because the other devils had their way with the place for a while. I was asked to limit my naps to no more than nine hours after that.”

  “Have you?”

  “For the most part.” The Devil waved Phenexia away. “Off with you, you wicked temptress. You have an angel to seduce. I’ll talk to your father, so go make sure you both have pretty dresses, and do at least try to convince your angel she can have breasts if she’d like for her wedding day.”

  “She doesn’t need breasts.”

  “The angel has already gotten to you.” Heaving a sigh, Lucifer shook his head. “I see it’s too late. I’ll go talk to your father about that awful ‘m’ word and make it clear he can only put up a minimal fuss. You can’t dodge all of the fatherly disapproval. It’s part of the package. You are his eldest daughter, so he’s obligated to make a fuss. If your human’s customs require the mother of the bride, I’ll make an arrangement.”

  Phenexia nodded and retreated from the bathroom.

  “What arrangement?”

  “Her mother passed away a very long time ago, and her mother’s seed is currently at rest. Unbeknownst to her and her father, I have the seed, and I intend to bargain with Him for a conversion so the seed can return to her father, who still mourns for his mortal wife.”

  “After so many years?”

  “Phenex is an odd creation. He was made in the image of angels, but he is a devil in his nature. Oddly balanced, him. Back when humans were new, he fell in love with a mortal woman. Phenexia is their first immortal child and their first daughter. They had a mortal son together, for I did not have the right seed to give him. They had other children as well, but she eventually died from old age. Then, mortals were longer lived. He is a poet among other things, and he is not inclined to let his first love be followed by anyone. He loves science and grooms the mortals to develop their knowledge. My phone is part of Phenex’s workings.”

  “Phenex sounds similar to phoenix. Why?”

  “He is their father, that is why. His tears birthed the first phoenixes, for it was his wish for his wife to rise from the ashes of her long life. He saw beauty in Phenex’s grief and made it immortal. Phenex’s natural form is very similar to a phoenix as well, which was part of their creation.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “Things will be different next time. I’m just deciding how best to plant his wife’s seed so that she finds her way to my many hells where she belongs. Her mortality was what he loved about her when he first met her, so I will cultivate her seed in that fashion and have her converted, much like you will be converted.”

  “And my brother is being converted.”

  “Has been converted. I took the rougher route with him. A chipmunk’s lifespan is not long, and I did not wish for your brother to age. It was only a little pain. Now, out you get. It’s time to dry you off and make sure you have breakfast so you can enjoy your nap.”

  “Are you always so considerate?”

  “No, and it’s disgusting I’ve been reduced to this low level by a woman and her spots. And I haven’t even claimed all of your spots yet. Mark my words, Darlene. I will claim every last spot. They’re mine, and I will not share them with anyone else.”

  Shaking my head, I debated how best to extract myself from his embrace and the warm waters of the tub. “You’re something else.”

  “Does that mean I can lay claim to all of your spots as soon as this revenge business is dealt with?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I promised, wiggling out of the Devil’s hold to escape the tempting tub and its sinful occupant. I grabbed a towel and went to work restoring myself to functionality. “Maybe I’ll skip the nap and get right to work on the revenge. Who needs sleep when I can have coffee?”

  “You’re going to need a lot of coffee, then.”

  “Fetch,” I ordered, wrapping my hair up in the first towel before covering myself with the second. “I need coffee, and I need coffee right now.”

  The Devil vanished.

  “You could have put some clothes on first,” I muttered. Somehow, I’d fallen prey to a sinfully sexy idiot with a spot fetish.

  There were worse fates.

  Wearing a towel wouldn’t endear me to the succubi sprawled over the sitting room floor, the couches, the chairs, and even the Devil’s desk, although I had no scruples with spilling the woman onto the floor. She landed on yet another succubus. The one flopped on his chair shared her fellow succubus’s fate.

  Beyond a few groans, they ignored my presence.

  Maybe they wouldn’t care about my towel apparel after all.

  As there wasn’t anywhere else for me, I sat on his desk and waited for the Devil to return, as I figured he’d sit on me if I took over his chair. It took longer than I expected, but he reappeared in the doorway of the bedroom wearing one of his black suits, stepped around the bodies, and brought me two iced coffees. “I figured two might get you started until we return to the mortal coil and I can get you more. I have plans to take you out for lunch, as I have decided it will be more enjoyable to feed you that way.”

  “While I’m wearing a towel?”

  “There are temporary clothes for you in the bedroom. They are temporary, as I fully plan on destroying them when I get you home, as it appears you are not sufficiently tired yet. You can still talk and walk. I am hoping lunch and the foundation work for your revenge will make you easier to properly exhaust.”

  I could work with that, although I worried that he’d only have to show off his perfect chest to transform me into clay for him to mold for his enjoyment. I set the second coffee down and went to work drinking the first, gesturing to the unconscious succubi littering his floor with my free hand. “What’s the deal with them?”

  “I shamelessly influenced you to make certain you had appropriate exposure to my devilish energy, and I couldn’t be bothered with being considerate towards them. They were strutting like they wanted to be my wife, and if they can’t handle the excess energy, they can’t handle the real deal. They probably wanted to either complain or be left alone to recover. I’m amused you’re in better shape than they are, truth be told. Obviously, I need to step up my efforts next time. As I’m male, I typically influence females, although I can influence males at my leisure as well. Mostly, I was influencing you, and they got the excess from my efforts. I have plans to influence you as often as necessary for you to convert. There’ll still be some pain for the initial part of the process, but I fully intend to have you thoroughly distracted during that time. Your brother did not enjoy such luxuries.”

  “Poor Jonas. Too bad. If he hadn’t been an idiot, he wouldn’t have been turned into a chipmunk, thus requiring such treatment. He survived, and that’s all I care about.”

  “How does steak sound for a late lunch or early dinner? It is two in the afternoon where your home is.”

  I licked my lips at the thought of a steak, something I usually didn’t get due to its cost. “You have my attention.”

  “If we wait until four, we can begin revenge through partaking of steak in a place your target and his underlings often visit. You might even have your first approach and second poisoning by the evening. They’re pesky creatures, and they seem to prefer trying the same trick twice. They are under the impression you were careful to avoid being poisoned with their first experiments, as your general plans to acquire revenge were delayed.”

  “And one of the archangels likely purged the poison to keep you from additionally rampaging?” I guessed. “Alloces triggered enough of a rampage without you having additional reason to rampage.”

  “Yes,” the Devil replied, his ex
pression darkening.

  “I feel you should know that your chest really is perfect.”

  He sighed and his body relaxed. “And you say I have a spot fetish. You’re just out for my chest.”

  “I see no reason to be ashamed of my interest in your chest.”

  “Just as I see no reason to be ashamed of my desire to possess all of your spots.”

  “Revenge first, spots later. Have you picked where my fish will live?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes. We’ve already set up for their stay. I’ll show you.”

  I slid off the Devil’s desk, retrieved my second coffee, and dodged fallen succubi on my way to the door. “And yes, I can still walk, and I wish to maintain my ability to walk on my own for the moment.”

  The Devil pouted. “Must you?”

  “Yes. I don’t want to drop my coffee.”

  He chuckled, beat me to the door, and opened it for me. “Do allow me to show you to your trophy room. I think you’ll find it perfect for your special needs.” At the sound of the door opening, my new kittens came running out of the bedroom, and they didn’t care who they crawled over. They rubbed against our legs when they caught up with us.

  I smiled at their antics, thrust a coffee to the Devil, and crouched to pet them both once I had a free hand. “Special needs?”

  “I’ve noticed you require copious amounts of coffee, so there is a new coffee machine for you and an ice maker so you can indulge should I be unavailable to provide coffee for you.”

  I gave both kittens a final stroke before rising. “You have my attention.”

  “This way.” The Devil led me down one of the infinite hallways of his home carrying my second coffee, and our kittens bounced along with us. “Your trophy room will also be one of your offices for when you need a little space and a change of environment. So far, I’ve picked three offices for you, and most of them are adjacent to mine.”

  “Why do you have so many offices?”

  “I get bored after a while, so I switch offices to have a change of pace. You’ll get it after the first decade of being in the same office.”