A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “That’s what redecorating is for.”

  “I just redecorate the new office right before I move into it. I cycle through them.”

  “You’re weird.”

  The Devil laughed. “If weird is what you like, then I am pleased to be weird for you.” Pausing at a door, he nodded to it. “This is one of my offices. There will be a connecting door installed, but for now, we’ll have to come down the hall if you’re in your trophy room. I was told I cannot just punch a hole through the wall.”

  “You would disturb my fish if you did that.”

  “I resent I cannot simply kill your new pet fish. Alloces was moved into his new home while I was keeping you amused.”

  “I have my first fish?” I asked, and I hurried down the hall to the next door. “This one?”

  He laughed. “Yes, that one.”

  I pushed open the door to discover a spacious room with floor to ceiling aquariums devouring space against most walls, with enough of a gap for a door to the Devil’s office. A large desk occupied the center of the room, and it would allow me a view of all of the tanks from the leather chair. One corner, devoid of aquariums, held a stainless steel coffee maker and everything needed to make coffee for myself. To my delight, clear panes of glass created sections in the glass aquariums, and upon closer inspection, there were air gaps between each level and flaps so I could access the tanks, virtually invisible unless close to them. “This is incredible.”

  “In the cabinet beneath your coffee maker is a refrigerator so you won’t have to venture far to get your milk or cream. I’ve been warned as you are a feline, I will have to invest in ridiculous amounts of milk for you.”

  Damn it. Jonas must have tattled on me. “My brother has been telling you things, hasn’t he?”

  “I’ve been lectured about your favorite foods, your milk obsession, your tendency to be stingy towards yourself, thus turning milk into a luxury, and your obsession with a good steak and fish. I found it rather amusing he was willing to face off against me while trying to defend your chastity.”

  “I hope you told him that I do not need or want my chastity protected.”

  “The succubi in attendance for that meeting laughed and informed him I was on your menu, and it would require a miracle for you to keep your hands off me. It was very difficult to keep from laughing at your brother’s expression over that one, as the succubi were most displeased over your intense interest in my person. You were rather incoherent when I brought you in, and you were still tripping their triggers.”

  As I refused to be ashamed of my adoration of his chest, I shrugged, crossed the room to my desk, and discovered a fish bowl near the computer, which contained a bright red fish with long, flowing fins swimming by itself. I set my coffee down, bent over, and peered into the water.

  The fish spread its fins and attempted to make itself look as big as possible, probably to intimidate me. All it accomplished was impressing me with its beauty. I pointed at it. “Is this Alloces?”

  “Oh, no. That is a fish I spotted at the store when helping select your tanks and figuring out how to get them installed in here. He did that to me. At that point, I had to have him, so he’s now our fish, but I have decided he’ll stay in your office. He’s a normal, mortal fish. I’m debating making him an immortal fish. He postured at me.”

  “Fish that are brave enough to show aggression to you is impressive, I take it?”

  “My devilish nature often intimidates small animals. This is a consequence of my fall. All I do to this one, though? Piss him off. That’s it. I just piss him off. And worse? He loves being pissed off at me. He is so proud of himself. So, I’ll have to make sure I visit him daily so he doesn’t become upset.”

  The Devil had a soft heart, and I couldn’t even fault him for his reason for taking the fish home. “He’s really pretty, like a swimming jewel.”

  “Alloces is over here, and I have to admit, he’s been outclassed by a mortal fish.” The Devil stepped to one of the tanks near the space meant for a door between our offices. “I thought you’d like to name the red fish.”

  “Ruby, because he really is like a little jewel. Is this bowl big enough for him? Does he need anything else?” I admired Ruby, who continued to show off his fins for me. He had a little plant in his glass house along with a rock he could lounge on at his leisure with sand filling the bottom. When inspecting the sand, I discovered two more fish, small, pale, and covered in dark spots. “Oh! There are two more in here. They look like finned snow leopards!”

  “Those are catfish,” the Devil announced proudly. “They’re called Cory cats. The water will be magically filtered, and I took steps to make sure everyone gets along. If Ruby becomes lonely, the Cory cats can keep him company.”

  “Catfish for a cat.” I purred, sipping my coffee and taking another few minutes to watch my new pets. “They’re adorable.”

  “Your brother told me you enjoy aquariums, and you would appreciate some fish keeping you closer company. I may have gone overboard.”

  “Yeah, it really does look like you have done just that. How many tanks are in here? How did you get them in here and set up so quickly?”

  “Sixty. I recruited devils and demons to do the work, and I offered them some incentives. I also may have used Alloces as an example, and I’d be much less likely to use the same punishment on those who keep you happy. It is amusing how many will volunteer under those circumstances. Add in a little magic, and it was done in a span of a few hours. There’s an office next door that can be converted into another trophy room if you run out of space in here. Alloces is not a social fish, although he will happily breed with any female due to his devilish nature. I recommend against that, as his finned children would have the potential to be sentient, so he is best left alone. Should any sentients unexpectedly be born in your aquariums, they’ll be your responsibility, so manage your residents carefully. And yes, I’ll check on your residents to make sure you know should it happen—and figure out the best way to handle transforming them into a more appropriate shape. Alloces will fight to the death with other males of most species, so he gets solitary confinement.”

  I made a mental note to be particularly careful about who shared tanks with who—and to ask around about what would happen if a sentient happened to be conceived in one of my tanks. I turned my attention to the tank. A bright blue fish the size of my hand with proud fins swam in the clear water, darting among the bright coral. “Oh, that coral is pretty. He’s kinda pretty, too. Okay, I won’t lie, he’s really pretty. What is he?”

  “He is an angelfish. I decided he didn’t get to be anything other than an angelfish. Belial and I had quite the argument over that, but I won.”

  I stared at the Devil. “You turned a devil into an angelfish?”

  “He will remember how he is to behave when it comes to you in the future.”

  “You have issues,” I informed the Devil.

  “But worrying about how he will treat you in the future is not one of my issues. By the time I allow him out of his tank, he will know to walk around you with great caution and treat you with the respect you are owed. Should he not, I’ll let you do your worst to him. By that point in time, I expect your worst will be a delight to behold.” With a rather vicious grin, the Devil gestured to my collection of tanks. “You’ll have a wonderful time finding new residents for your office.”

  I really would. “He’s a lot prettier as a fish. Belial did him a favor.”

  Chuckling, the Devil wrapped an arm around me and guided me towards the door. “You’ll have plenty of time to admire your new pets after I’ve taken you out for dinner and begun drawing attention to you from your most unwanted suitor.”

  “That Gallo asshole isn’t precisely a suitor.”

  “He thinks he is.”

  “Rejected, and I don’t even care if he’s hot.”

  “I’m hotter.”

  “You’re Satan. You’re hotter by default. You live in the middle of a la
va field, and you happen to have a perfect chest. It’s hard to compete with perfection. Are you going to be needy?”

  “I am a very jealous man. He has hurt you once, and he is willing to hurt you again.”

  “That has nothing to do with jealousy. Jealousy would be getting upset if I said hello to him. Also, my hello may be communicated with my fist or a knee to his groin.”

  “Jealousy is a good word. The other word is filthy.”

  I rolled my eyes and sipped my coffee, debating which word he took offense to. “Protective.”

  He made a show of shuddering. “Such a filthy, positive word.”

  “Overprotective is a negative. You can be overprotective, but if you’re too overprotective, you may lose access to my spots until you’re protective rather than overprotective.”

  “I don’t like that rule.”

  “You weren’t supposed to like it.”

  “Why must you make me say positive things? I have a reputation to maintain.”

  “Your reputation is thoroughly ruined. First, you tucked me into bed and provided iced coffee because you know I enjoy it.”

  “I have an ulterior motive involving sex.”

  “That does not change the fact you tucked me into bed and provided iced coffee.”

  “Cruel,” he complained.

  “You recruited your devils and demons to make sure I had a nice office with beautiful tanks solely because you understood it would make me happy. Your reputation is ruined. Completely destroyed.”

  “I am lowering your guard so you’re enchanted and compelled to marry me.”

  I raised a brow. “My daddy would kick your ass if you even thought you’d despoil me without the intent to marry me. He was a pastor, after all. Granted, he would’ve been okay with you if you meant to marry me. He was surprisingly liberal on that front. He was even the one who gave me and Jonas the talk when we were little. He didn’t trust ignorance to keep us safe. Of course, he was pretty religious before the emergence, and unfortunately, the emergence itself ultimately did him in. Magic challenged too many of his beliefs.”

  “Yes, I suspect your father would have been inclined to do his best to teach me what would happen if I abused his little girl in the slightest. And he would have pushed for me to hold off on despoiling you until after we were safely wed. I would have been forced to play mortal, being aware of his nature, but I clean up nicely. I would have even catered to his ideal image for what he wanted in a son-in-law.”

  I wondered what my father would have wanted in a man for me, but I decided against asking. Knowing wouldn’t bring my father back, and I suspected I’d be happier in the dark. “See? You can use filthy words. I made you use two so far in this conversation.” I grinned at him. “Will it upset you to know that I’m so undesirable among most men that I’m very much inclined to accept the posturing of the first serious man to cross my path with an interest in marriage? It’s the ears and tail.”

  “I am upset because you’re beautiful, and you should have been treated as among the most desirable of women. However, I am not upset over your inclination to accept the posturing of the first serious man to cross your path with an interest. However, I’m the Devil rather than just some mere man, so you will have to compromise on that front. You can even convince me to engage in mortal customs should they please you. While your family is small, mine is not, so you can have as elaborate a ceremony as you would like.”

  “I don’t require a fancy ring, but I require a ring. You can get it out of a cereal box for all I care. You will also require a ring, which I will acquire for you as soon as I figure out your ring size and where to get the money. I’m pretty sure I’ve been fired by now.”

  “You’ve been hired as my wife. My brothers have taken care of that situation, and they have spoken to your employer, who is aware you are not feeling well and may not be returning to work. Michael wanted to handle the matter, but Gabriel took care of it, including finding someone deserving who needed the work to take over your position. You can always trust an angel to complicate things. Anyway, your interview was concluded in our bathtub, although it seems I need to create a more strenuous interview process. You’re able to walk. You’re also able to talk back. I’ve noticed you really enjoy talking back.”

  The Devil amused me. “I’m feeling pretty good now that I have coffee, and it’s definitely helping my throat, which is a little sore. I’ll survive.”

  “No comments on having been hired as my wife?”

  I made a point of looking at my left hand. “Do you see a ring?”

  “I see you are going to be stubborn about this.”

  “Absolutely. I don’t require a fancy ring, but I require a ring. I will look into the money matter so I can acquire your ring.”

  “I can give you money.”

  “But then I didn’t earn the money that bought the ring, and it’s the effort that matters, not the price tag. I will earn your ring properly.”

  “I find myself strongly disliking the morals your parents instilled in you at an early age right now. You earning the ring equals a delay in acquiring the ring, and I wish to fully count your spots.”

  “Patience is a virtue for a reason. And anyway, mugging the asshole who tried to poison me counts as earning the money to acquire the ring. If he hadn’t hurt my brother and poisoned me, you would not be in the situation where you must exercise your newfound patience, so that’s a bonus.”

  “I’m conflicted. Am I supposed to use a filthy word in regards to this fucking asshole or not?”

  “You can say your filthy words to his aquarium while I admire my trophy, and you can have your fun with him after I’ve grown bored with him as a trophy.”

  “That could take all eternity,” he muttered.

  “Well, you’ll just have to be patient, then.”

  “You’re using really filthy words again.”

  “I need to get changed into real clothes so you can take me out to dinner. We can discuss my use of really filthy words later.”

  “In bed?” the Devil asked in a hopeful tone.

  Hell yes, but I wasn’t going to let him think he’d won already. “We’ll see,” I lied.

  “You’re a terrible liar, Darlene.”

  I shrugged. “He who is still fully clothed doesn’t get to say I’m a liar about resisting your advances.”

  “The instant I take my shirt off, it’s game over for you, woman.”

  “And?”

  Laughing, he guided me back to his sitting room with its herd of unconscious succubi. Phenexia waited, sitting on the Devil’s desk, and she held up a bag of cough drops. “I got these for you if you need them later, Darlene. I also picked up a purse and put your things in it along with a bottle of water. Consider it my welcoming gift so you can get used to your home. I also acquired you a blanket, as I’ve noticed you felines do very much enjoy having soft, warm blankets on hand. Your dress for this evening is Carmella’s contribution. It’s waiting for you, out on your bed.”

  My kittens, who’d quietly followed me around, bounded to the bedroom, probably to leave a contribution of fur all over the dress. Oh, well. As it was something I would do, I would smile and wear their fur. “Carmella?”

  The Devil chuckled, a rather wicked sound. “Carmella is one of the devils of greed and temptation, but rather than sexual temptation, she tends to favor other forms of sin. Theft is more her speed than lust, and she likes encouraging unsavory mortals to indulge in their greed in complicated schemes. She particularly loves when she can turn the greedy against the greedy. Planning the downfall of the greedy through temptation is her specialty.”

  I could think of a few people I’d enjoy pointing Carmella at. “I like her already. I hope this dress helps with the downfall of Gallo and his gang of fucking assholes.”

  “She’s probably planning my downfall, as I’m exceptionally greedy,” the Devil muttered.

  Smiling at that thought, I claimed my second coffee from him and headed for the b
edroom, careful to keep from stepping on the sleeping succubi. “Thank you, Phenexia.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  The Devil grunted his displeasure over our use of filthy words, and I laughed.

  Fourteen

  Sometimes, I was not a nice person.

  Carmella had selected a black, floor-length gown for me, one with a startling conservative neckline, which was low enough I could wear the cross collar I’d pilfered from the Devil’s dresser without making a scandalous statement. All in all, with a little work on my hair, I passed as pretty enough, and I wouldn’t bring much shame to Lucifer when out in public with him.

  He outclassed me, but I refused to care.

  I’d seen his fury, and I understood its source. Maybe he outclassed me. Maybe I’d never meet his expectations. Maybe we’d be a lot like gasoline meeting fire down the road. Maybe I’d try to put his ass in my new fish tanks for annoying me. Maybe a lot of things might happen, but I understood a simple truth. For that one moment, he’d been consumed by passion for my sake.

  I shivered at the memory and did my best to forget the moment he’d become blinded by his rage over what someone else had wanted to do.

  To me.

  Had I not known some of the fucking assholes destined for my aquarium tormented other victims, I might’ve been satisfied with setting Belial or one of the other devils loose on them. My knowledge barred me from taking the easy way out, however. At least one family deserved a better life, one free from the mafia’s hateful and greedy clutches. The dress served several purposes. First, it would draw attention to me, with the intent of capturing the mafia’s notice. Second, it would draw attention to me, with the intention of keeping the Devil’s eye on me rather than some succubus.

  I’d rather not have to go rummaging through Belial’s things and transform his demonesses into fish for my tanks. I would, too.

  Sometimes, I was not a nice person, and I had zero intention of playing fair. Until I obtained my goals, which included laying a claim on the Devil and securing revenge for my brother’s transformation into a chipmunk, I would redefine what it meant to be ruthless.