by R. C. Martin
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“He won’t want me now. No one will want me now.”
It was the last thing she said before she cried herself to sleep.
Chapter Fifty-One
It was eight thirty when he gathered his keys and headed for the garage. Judah climbed behind the driver’s seat of his Mercedes and hesitated another moment. There was a part of him that was convinced he was being irrational. He wasn’t a man who chased after a woman, at least not under the circumstances in which he thought he was acting. Though, there was an equally present counterpart in his mind that told him Teddy was not just some woman.
Teddy was the woman who sought him out after he stood her up for their first date. She wasn’t prone to silence. Yet, he hadn’t been able to reach her all evening, and he didn’t like it. While they had made no concrete plans for that night, he could fathom no reason why she would ignore him. They had an understanding. They’d labeled their relationship, and he wished for that to be respected.
He started his engine and commanded the garage door open. As impulsive as his actions felt, they seemed equally and intrinsically necessary. Rather than waste another moment in thought over it, he backed out of his driveway with one destination in mind. It didn’t take him long to get there. When he pulled into the lot and saw her little, red hatchback, he wasn’t sure whether he was worried or annoyed.
Judah didn’t waste any time pondering it. He hurried his way to the third floor and knocked on her door. A frown tugged at his brow when he received no answer—yet again. When he tried the handle and the door gave way, his face relaxed in surprise. He stepped inside and found the place shrouded in the shadows of nightfall. He shut the door behind him and flipped on the light, but nothing seemed out of place.
“Teddy?” he called softly, walking further into her unit.
He heard no noise, but he saw a hint of light coming from the direction of her bedroom. His casual, leather loafers made hardly any sound on her old, wood floors, but the last thing he wanted to do was scare the woman. Except, when he opened his mouth to call her name, he was silenced by the state in which he found her.
Teddy was barely dressed—her bottom covered by a little pair of black shorts that hardly reached the top of her thighs, and a matching black tank top. Her hair was wild, curly, and damp as it draped across her face and down her chest. But it was the way Geoffrey was wrapped around her that made him pause. He was spooning her, as if they were two pieces of a puzzle that belonged together. Regardless of what he knew, what Judah saw irritated him more than anything else.
As if he could sense another man’s presence, Geoffrey inhaled deeply and opened his eyes. Judah saw as he tightened his grip around Teddy before he recognized the figure who darkened the doorway.
“What the fuck is going on here?” asked Judah.
His voice was low and calm, though he felt on the verge of something more chaotic.
Slowly, Geoffrey began to unwrap himself from around Teddy. As he did so, he warned, “Don’t read this wrong.”
“Right,” Judah clipped. “Because you’re gay, and I shouldn’t be bothered by this situation.”
Freezing on the edge of the bed, Geoffrey glared at Judah and scowled. “Living room,” he muttered pointedly. “Now.”
Judah clamped his mouth shut as Geoffrey got to his feet. They made their way into the next room, Geoffrey shutting Teddy into the bedroom behind them. Judah stood impatiently in the living room, and the place felt even smaller than usual with the two men occupying the space.
“Listen,” Geoffrey began, his stance nonnegotiable. “You don’t have to like me. I don’t give a shit. But I’ll tell you one thing—I’m that woman’s best friend, and it’s in your best interests to play nice with me. Regardless of whether or not we actually become friends is neither here nor there. I don’t have the time or the patience for your brand of bullshit jealousy. Especially not today.”
He took a step toward Judah and pointed back in the direction from which they came. Lowering his voice a notch, he continued, “That woman is a mess right now, which means you don’t have time to be jealous, either. She needs you.”
Judah didn’t have the capacity to be surprised, because he didn’t anticipate what Geoffrey would say in order to explain the situation which still seemed shrouded in mystery. He’d been trying to get in touch with Teddy for hours. When he found her, she was in bed with another man. Yet, rather than answers, he was confronted with more questions.
As the two men stared at one another, Judah became fully aware of one truth. While Geoffrey was adamantly putting him in his place, Teddy was still in bed. He didn’t know what was wrong with her, but he knew whatever it was had brought him to the place where he stood.
“What’s going on?” he asked, forcing his priorities into place.
Geoffrey sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Grabbing hold of his hips, he shook his head and admitted, “I can’t say. It’s her news to tell. You’ll need to wait for her to wake up. And when she does, don’t be surprised if she cries herself right back to sleep. She might even lose her shit when she realizes it’s you here instead of me. She doesn’t want you here, but she needs you. Don’t let her push you away.”
Judah ran a hand down his face, trying to allow Geoffrey’s words to sink in.
She doesn’t want you here, but she needs you.
He couldn’t make sense of it.
He wanted answers, but all he was left with were questions.
It was when Geoffrey moved to grab his suit jacket that Judah started to make his way toward the bedroom. He was halfway there when Geoffrey muttered, “Uh, she needs a prescription filled. I’ll head to the pharmacy and take care of it. When I get back, I’ll just leave it on the table.”
Judah nodded, curiosity knitting his eyebrows together. “Thanks.”
A ghost of a smile pulled at the corner of Geoffrey’s mouth as he headed toward the door. “You and I will be just fine, Judah.”
He left then, and Judah watched him go. After he closed the door softly behind him, Judah continued toward the bedroom. For a moment, he stood beside the bed and watched Teddy breathe. He hesitated, and then he reached down and tucked a bit of hair behind her ear. She didn’t stir, and he was confronted with the effects of her tears. Even in sleep, her eyelids were swollen and red, and her freckled cheeks were pale.
She doesn’t want you here, but she needs you.
He didn’t know what it meant, but he wanted to. And as much as he wished he could wake her, his instincts warned him against it. He toed his way out of his shoes and walked around to the opposite side of her bed. Carefully, he laid where he found Geoffrey less than ten minutes prior. Rather than spoon her, he propped his head up with one hand. He traced his fingers up and down her bare thigh with his other hand as he studied her. He just wanted to see her.
Judah hadn’t been lying there long before her whole body jerked. The movement was followed with a whine and then a gasp. Soon, her whine was a cry, and her breathing became irregular and rapid. When she kicked her legs and shook her head, Judah knew right away she was having a nightmare. He sat up and scooped her into his arms, bringing her into his lap. She grabbed hold of the collar of his Polo shirt, but she was still lost in unconsciousness.
“Teddy,” said Judah, holding her tighter. “Wake up.” When she didn’t seem to hear him, he spoke louder. “Sweetheart, wake up.”
This time, when she gasped, it was in recognition. Her entire body froze. As her eyes met his, he felt her shrink in his hold. Tears ran down her cheeks as she whispered, “What are you doing here?”
Frowning, he admitted, “I couldn’t reach you. I got worried.”
“You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t—you shouldn’t touch me.” As she said the words, she tried to push away from him, but he wouldn’t let her. This seemed to upset her more, and she persisted as she turned her face away from him and declared, “I’m disgusting. You don’t want m
e. I know you won’t want me. Not anymore. Just go away. Please.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he insisted, reaching for her face. He took hold of her chin and forced her to look at him. “Stop. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m not clean, okay? You said you weren’t worried, but you were wrong. We were wrong. I—I’m not clean and I haven’t been for a really long time. Too long. Too fucking long. Okay? Now let me go.”
Judah didn’t let her go. He shook his head, not in response to her command, but in confusion to her admission. “I don’t understand. Are you saying—”
“Justin gave me chlamydia. But I—I didn’t know. I never thought—it doesn’t matter. It’s over. I can’t do this with you. You deserve—”
“I don’t need you to tell me what I do or do not deserve. Stop fighting me. I’m not fucking going anywhere.” He shook her once, hoping she might actually hear him. “I came here looking for you, looking for answers. So, talk to me. Stop pushing me away.”
“You don’t understand,” she sobbed. “I’ve been living with this for four years. It got worse, and I didn’t even know. I didn’t—I didn’t know.”
“Teddy, what am I missing? This is treatable, is it not?”
“That’s not the point. Even when it’s gone, it already—it’s too late. I’m not who you think I am. I’m not whole. I’m broken and you deserve more. You deserve a whole person. A whole woman, and I’m not that. Not anymore.”
Judah breathed a sigh of frustration. Touching his forehead to hers, he tried to make sense of what she was saying. Yet, try as he might, he thought he was up against a mental battle he couldn’t understand.
“Sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
“I can’t have babies, Judah,” she whispered.
He lifted his head at once and stared down at her. Her eyes were closed, and he could tell by the expression on her face this was devastating news. While he wasn’t even going to pretend he could understand how that felt, he couldn’t fathom why this meant they couldn’t be together.
“Teddy, did you want children?”
“I don’t know.” She blinked and looked up at him. For the first time since she woke up, she stopped trying to wiggle her way out of his arms. “Maybe,” she said. “I never really gave it a lot of thought. I thought I had…time.”
He nodded and then paused for a moment before he told her, “I’m sorry, Teddy. I don’t imagine this is easy in any way. But I don’t see what this has to do with the two of us.”
“What?”
“Your ability to bear children or not has nothing to do with how I feel about you. If that’s why you’re with me, that’s an entirely different conversation we’ll need to have—but I thought we understood what this was.”
Frowning at him, she muttered, “Are you saying, as long as you can still have sex with me, who cares?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t pick a fight with me. Be upset. Cry. Hell, scream if you want to—but don’t take this out on me.”
Again, she tried to push herself out of his hold as she murmured, “I don’t—I don’t know what you want from me.”
“You,” he stated, grasping her chin and forcing her to meet his gaze. Irritated, he insisted, “I want you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“I’m right here, Teddy. I’m here because I want to be. Because you’re mine. This changes nothing.”
“It changes everything.”
“You’re not listening, sweetheart,” he insisted, staring at her intently. “Hear me when I tell you, I don’t give a shit about having kids. This changes nothing.”
Silence fell between them as a couple more tears spilled from her eyes. He couldn’t read the expression on her face, and he was forced to wait for her to process what he was trying to convey. Finally, she murmured, “I’m not…I’m not clean.”
He could tell, by the lack of veracity in her tone, her words were merely a feeble attempt to remind him why he shouldn’t want her. He saw right through it and still had no desire to leave.
“You will be,” he said reassuringly.
She pressed her quivering lips together, and he could tell she was trying her damnedest not to cry. It was a fight she wasn’t strong enough to win, but Judah didn’t mind. When Teddy wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder, he understood they were on the same page—and that was all he wanted. In that moment, it was all he needed.
Chapter Fifty-Two
I woke the next morning with a note from Judah. He expressed that while he had things to see to that day, he would be back in the evening. It was a simple note, which would have meant little on an ordinary day—but it wasn’t an ordinary day, and his promised return meant everything to me.
One night of sleep had brought me little peace. It was a new day, but I carried with me an infection and a disease that had somehow marked me forever. It was a lot to process and accept. In many ways, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to fully accept it. Though, what I struggled with the most was my own guilt and shame and an unshakeable sense of disgust. I felt dirty in a way no amount of water could ever wash away.
I laid in bed until the thought occurred to me that to stay there would bring me no closer to the bliss of ignorance I knew the day before. I shuffled around my apartment aimlessly, made coffee thoughtlessly, and tried to piece together what I was supposed to do next. I knew I needed to call Harper. She was the only Fitzpatrick confidant I had as far as Justin was concerned. I didn’t know how I would even begin to explain my condition to my parents, but she would know. She would have to know. I couldn’t get my mind there.
Yet, as much as I needed my sister, I needed a few hours without any tears. My eyes were raw and swollen. I felt dehydrated and emotionally exhausted. I knew if I called her, she would cry with me, and I needed a moment to just breathe.
As I sipped at my coffee without even tasting it, I considered getting out and going for a hike. But the thought of sunshine and the end of summer and a perfect day, it didn’t feel right. My mug was half full when it hit me. Even just the idea of it was enough to spur me into action. Within twenty minutes I was dressed and presentable enough to leave my apartment.
I didn’t second guess myself once as I drove to the church. When I arrived, I quietly entered through the back and found my way to a pew in the middle of the nave. There were a couple people who were kneeling and praying, but the space was quiet and peaceful. When I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I felt the air fill my lungs in a way it hadn’t since before the news.
I was wholly unaware of the passage of time as I sat there and allowed myself to be in the only place I had ever experienced true light. In the silence, and in the stillness, I didn’t bother to ask why. That was a question I knew I might not ever understand. Rather, I pleaded with God to purify me. I didn’t deserve it, and I knew it. But He’d saved me before, and I needed it then. I didn’t know how long I could pick myself up so long as I felt covered in ashes on the inside. Where I felt it the most, only He could reach. I knew it. He knew it. And I didn’t leave until I felt like He heard me.
It was the middle of the day when I finally left. I was famished. Somehow, my hunger felt like hope. On my way home, I stopped by Dottie’s bakery for a blueberry muffin. I felt a little like I was cheating on Brandon and Little Bird Café, but I didn’t want to risk running into Sarah. With my muffin in tow, I returned home and heated up another mug of coffee. I then settled myself on the couch and ate while I researched all I could ever want to know about chlamydia and pelvic inflammatory disease.
The illustrious they insisted knowledge was power. This might have been true, but after an afternoon of information overload, I didn’t feel powerful. I felt tired and sad. I just wanted it to be over. All of it. The treatment. The mourning. The acceptance. More than anything—I wanted Justin to be erased from my life entirely. I hated that what he had done still haunted me in such degrading ways.
I
thought about it until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, and then I drifted to sleep on the couch. It was a knock at the door that roused me from slumber. I pushed myself up and glanced around the room. The colors of dusk blanketed my space, and there was another measure of hope that I’d somehow made it through the majority of another day.
A second knock sounded at the door, and I stood to my feet. As I walked across the room, I glanced down at myself. I was in a pair of grey leggings and a thin, dark green hoodie I straightened as I came to a stop. I had no idea what my hair looked like, but I only had time to tighten my ponytail before I slid the deadbolt free and opened the barrier between me and my guest.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw Judah standing there. In spite of the cool evening breeze, he was wearing a pair of black athletic shorts and a dark grey t-shirt that fit him in all the right ways. I’d never, ever seen him so dressed down before. Only, it wasn’t his attire that left me staring at him openly. It was just him. The most gorgeous man I’d ever seen in my entire life. He was mine, in spite of everything—in spite of his history and my history; in spite of our history—he was there, and he was mine.
In that moment, I knew I loved him. With him standing there, looking at me, it wasn’t about the ways in which he was capable of making my body come alive. It wasn’t about how he made me want to put myself out there and offer someone the intimacy that came with emotional vulnerability. It was bigger. He was bigger—greater than I imagined him possible. Better than I thought he could be. He was there. He chose me, scarred and all, and that was everything.
He is everything, I thought.
“Sweetheart? You going to let me in?”
“Yeah. Sorry,” I mumbled, stepping aside.
It wasn’t until he crossed over the threshold that I noticed the duffle bag he had slung over his shoulder and the grocery bag he held in his opposite hand. He dropped his bag by the door as I closed us in. Then he took hold of the back of my neck and drew me close.