If Loving You Is Wrong

by E. L. Todd

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  I rested my head on a towel. “Taking a bath. What does it look like I’m doing? And did you wash your hands?”

  He rolled his eyes then washed his hands in the sink. “There. Are you happy?”

  “Much. Although, I’m concerned for your overall hygiene.”

  He eyed me in the water. “So, you’re just sitting there in your own filth?”

  “How dirty do you think I am?” I countered.

  He sat on the corner of the tub. “I’ve never taken a bath before.”

  “Not even as a kid?”

  “Well, not as an adult at least.”

  “They’re wonderful.”

  He shrugged. “I prefer the shower. You can’t have sex in a tub.”

  “Yeah, you can.”

  He eyed me for a moment, amusement in his eyes. “Really?”

  I nodded.

  “So, you’ve done it?”

  I nodded again.

  “You really are a whore.”

  “Hey.” I gave him a firm look. “Just because I enjoy sex doesn’t make me a whore. I don’t sleep with married men, I don’t cheat, and I don’t accept money as payment. Don’t ever call me that again. It’s sexist and offensive.”

  He seemed to understand he shouldn’t push me on this. For the first time, he backed off. “I’m sorry. I take it back.”

  Whoa…did Slade just apologize? “I’ve never heard you say that before.”

  “What?”

  “That you’re sorry.”

  “Because I only say it when I really mean it. And when your voice gets all firm like that, I know you aren’t kidding around. You were actually hurt by what I said.”

  Maybe Slade knew me better than I thought. “Well, I appreciate it.”

  “Yeah…” He scooped up the suds with his hands then blew them back into the water. “That’s some girly shit.”

  “It’s really nice. Join me.”

  “It’ll be a tight fit.”

  “Bend your knees,” I said.

  “Fine.” He stood up then came to the rear of the tub. I scooted forward so he could move in behind me. When he was settled, I leaned back against his chest. It was cramped but we were both covered by the water. He leaned his head against the towel pillow I made.

  “It’s nice, huh?” I asked.

  “It’s not bad.” Both of his hands hooked around my waist and he anchored me to his chest. He never held me like that before. It was something I wasn’t used to. I didn’t say anything and just let it play out. “What do you do when you’re in here?”

  “Read magazines. Think.” I played with the bubbles on the surface, cupping them into my hand.

  “Think about what?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “My life. What I want to change. Where I’m going in life.”

  “And what have you decided?”

  “One of the best parts of life is its wonderful unpredictability. So, I really don’t know where I’m going.”

  “Where would you like to go?” he asked quietly.

  “I just know I love fashion and I’d like to be a part of it.”

  “Be a model,” he blurted.

  I smirked. “I could get used to these compliments.”

  He chuckled. “I guess you aren’t totally hideous.”

  I leaned my head back and looked up at him. “Just admit it. You think I’m pretty.”

  He stared into my face, and his eyes became darker. The change was so sudden it was hard to notice. He kept staring, like he was trying to find something. “I think you’re beautiful.”

  I stopped breathing for a second because his response caught me off guard. That was the last thing I expected Slade to ever say, especially to me. No smartass comment came to mind. I couldn’t think of a response.

  It didn’t seem like Slade wanted one. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my shoulder where it emerged from the water. Then he leaned back and rested his head against the towel.

  Did that just happen?

  His hands were still wrapped around my waist, holding me to his chest. “Since you’re so into fashion and appearances, I never expected you to be such a book worm. I didn’t think you were so intelligent and witty. You continue to surprise me the more I get to know you. It’s weird. I’ve known you my whole life but I never really knew anything about you.”

  “Yeah, me too. I feel like we’re actually friends now.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, I never expected that to happen.”

  “Me neither.”

  “I mean, you’re still annoying and all that, but I definitely have a new respect for you.”

  “Me too.” I felt his chest rise and fall, noting its power and strength.

  “We have to start doing a better job of arguing in front of the others,” he said. “I think we’re losing our touch.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, it’s getting hard. We could just get along and let them get used to it.”

  “No,” he said immediately. “They’ll know something is up, especially Cayson. That damn psychologist can analyze me like a bug under a microscope.”

  That reminded me of what Skye said that afternoon. “She knows Cayson told her father about Zack. And she was really mad.”

  He sighed. “Poor Cayson. It’s going to be a long night for him…”

  “I don’t blame him for protecting her, but I understand why Skye is mad. She isn’t going to just let this go. She’s always been really obsessed about proving her independence to her father. I think this is the worst thing Cayson could have done to piss her off.”

  “She needs to get over it. Cayson did the right thing. I have his back on this one.”

  “Well, I’m not on anyone’s side. I just want them to be together, to be happy.”

  “Yeah…” He moved his fingers against the skin of my stomach. “I was pissed that Cayson stopped spending as much time with me because of Skye, but I definitely want him to be happy. And that little brunette with a huge rack really makes him giddy.”

  I cringed. “Slade, she’s your cousin.”

  “But I’m not blind to her most attractive feature.”

  “I don’t think anyone is.”

  He adjusted himself in the tub then sighed. “This is nice.”

  “Told you.”

  “I guess sitting in your own dirt isn’t so bad.”

  “It’s not like I’m a gardener that just got off work,” I snapped.

  His hand moved down to my belly button piercing. “I really like this.”

  “You do?”

  “It’s hot.” He touched it again before he pulled his hand away.

  I touched his arm. “I like your tattoos. They’re hot.”

  “Well, duh.”

  I chuckled. “Don’t be cocky.”

  He moved his lips to my ear. “I’m glad you like them.”

  I felt my spine shiver when his lips touched the shell of my ear.

  Slade massaged my thigh. “You’re doing okay? I didn’t hurt you, right?”

  “No, definitely not.”

  “Good. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m too rough with you.”

  “If you are, I’ll tell you.”

  “Thank you.” He rubbed my shoulder. “I don’t want this to end so I don’t want to give you a reason to leave.”

  “I don’t want this to end either.”

  He held me in the tub for several minutes, not speaking. His hand glided over my skin, making me feel warm and comfortable. I’d always taken baths alone, but I didn’t realize how enjoyable they could be with another person. It was nice to cuddle under the water. It was an intimacy I never shared with another person. I’d had sex with countless guys but no one had ever held me this way, like they cared.

  “Last week, I asked you a question and you never answered it.”

  I didn’t know what he was talking about. “Refresh my memory.”

  “You can have any guy you want. So why do you settle for this type of arrangement?”
He stared at the side of my face as he waited for me to answer.

  This wasn’t a conversation I ever had with anyone. But I guess I could have it with Slade since I was sleeping with him. “Ever since I was a little girl, my dad told me that I’d end up with a really great guy that would treat me like a princess. And he told me to never settle for anyone unless he was absolutely perfect. He would open every door for me, listen to my every thought, and always take care of me, even if he hurt himself in the process. And for the longest time, I believed that.

  “My father has always been a great role model to me. He’s smart, loyal, strong, and he treats my mom like he loves her as much as the day he married her. It’s like he lives and breathes for her. I guess, in a twisted way, I’ve always compared every guy to my father. Does he open every door for me? Does he treat me right? Would he die for me?

  “Then I grew up. With every date I went on and every guy I met, I realized none of them gave a damn about me. Some were better than others, but it was pretty clear they just wanted sex or a short-term commitment. And the ones who did want to be with me didn’t treat me right. My only somewhat serious boyfriend cheated on me with a friend from high school. Men are all the same. I keep waiting to meet a guy who’s different, who’s right. I know Cayson isn’t perfect, but when it comes to Skye, he is. I’ve quickly realized I’m wasting my time searching for that perfect guy, someone I can actually introduce to my father and not feel a single doubt. So, I stopped searching.

  “I don’t need a man in my life to be happy. I can take care of myself and do everything on my own. I refuse to settle for someone who can’t give me everything I want, so I’m not going to do it. But I need sex. I love sex even if it’s meaningless. Which is why this relationship with you is so perfect.”

  Slade said nothing. Time stretched for a long time. I didn’t expect him to say anything, but the quiet echoes in the bathroom were awkward. I spilled my deepest secret to him and now I wasn’t sure why. Then he cleared his throat. “Trinity, I care about you—a lot.”

  I sighed. “It’s okay, Slade. I know you’re just using me and it doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t think less of you.”

  “But I really do care about you, Trinity. I do give a damn. I know I’ve been an ass to you a lot in the past—”

  “A lot.”

  He smirked. “But you’re important to me. And you do mean something to me.”

  They were just empty words but I didn’t want to argue about it anymore.

  “Trinity, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, on the outside as well as the inside. You’re a strong woman who’s too intelligent for her own good, and you’re fun to be around. I know the right guy is out there, just waiting for you. And when he finally has you, he’ll ask himself how he got so lucky. And when you compare him to your father, you’ll realize he’s better.”

  His words echoed in my mind long after he said them. Slade hardly said anything without a curse word in it, and I’ve never heard him say anything so heartfelt in my life. It pulled at my heartstrings and made me feel a twinge of hope. “Thanks…”

  He held me close to his chest. “I’m right. I promise you.”

  “How can you make a promise like that?”

  “I just can.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Cayson

  I just got out of the shower when I heard someone ramming into my door like they were trying to break it down.

  “Cayson! Open up!” It was Skye.

  I panicked at the urgency in her voice. Was she okay? Did something happen? Just wearing a towel, I ran to the door then opened it. “Baby, what’s going on?” I immediately looked outside and made sure there was no danger.

  “What’s going on?” Anger was heavy in her voice. “What’s going on?”

  What was she so mad about?

  She pushed herself inside, forcing me back. “I specifically told you not to tell my father about Zack. I trusted you not to tell him. You even promised. And then a second later, you went behind my back and did it anyway!”

  “I didn’t promise anything,” I said immediately. “When you asked me not to tell him, I didn’t say anything.”

  That just pissed her off even more. “Seriously, you’re trying to get out of this on a technicality?”

  “I’m not trying to get out of anything,” I snapped. “I know what I did and I take full responsibility for it. You may not always like the decisions I make, but that’s too bad. I had to protect you. So if you’re upset about it, fine. I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

  Skye looked like she might explode. “Cayson, if there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s how strongly I value my independence. I’ve spent my entire adult life proving to my father that I don’t need his money, his protection, or his concern. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And you sabotaged that by snitching on me to him.”

  “I didn’t snitch—”

  “Shut up! I’m talking.”

  I pressed my lips together and clenched my jaw.

  “I don’t need a man to take care of me, whether that be my father or you. Alright? Do you understand that? I chose to go out with Zack and I got myself in this mess. I admit my mistakes and my poor judgment, but I will get out of this situation without my father or you. If you don’t understand that, understand how important that is to me, then we shouldn’t even be together.”

  Her words echoed in my mind long after she said them.

  “I’m sick of my father constantly hovering over me. He did it all through my life. As a result, he never let me handle anything on my own. As soon as I got into trouble, he fixed it for me. But when it came to Roland, my dad turned his back and forced him to figure out everything on his own. As a result, Roland is stronger and more self-sufficient. I don’t want to be babied anymore. I’m sick of it.”

  I tried to keep my anger back so I wouldn’t push her over the edge. “I agree with you—for the most part. But Zack is a fucking psychopath. You claim he wouldn’t hurt you but you don’t know that for sure. And I’m sorry, Skye, but he’s a guy twice your size and height. If he wants to hurt you, he will. You will never be strong enough to match him. I had to do what was right to protect you.”

  “Fuck you, Cayson.”

  My eyes widened. “Don’t talk to me like that.”

  “Don’t go behind my back and betray my trust!”

  “It’s not the same thing and you know it. If you don’t want to be treated like a brat then don’t act like one!”

  Her eyes were smoldering in rage. “I can’t believe you…”

  “I stand by what I did and I won’t apologize for it.” I stood my ground and didn’t back down. “Zack has left you alone ever since and I know he won’t bother you again. I can sleep at night and so can your father. Now if you want to go for a damn jog in the middle of the night, you can. You have your independence back.”

  She gripped her hair in frustration. “I’ve never been so angry in my life!”

  I said nothing, staring her down.

  “I can’t be with someone I can’t trust, Cayson. I just can’t.”

  My heart skipped a beat. “What did you just say?”

  “You heard me, Cayson. I can’t do this relationship anymore. Without trust, there is no relationship.”

  Now I was pissed. I marched to her so fast she almost tripped. I slammed her against the door with my body. “Take that back. Now.”

  Fear filled her eyes while she was pinned down.

  “Don’t you ever say that to me again.” Spit was flying out of my mouth because I was so angry. “You’re being a pain in the ass about this, Skye. I love you more than anything on this damn planet and I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. If that means you can’t trust me, fine. You’ll just have to deal with that. You can throw a hissy fit and play the victim all you want, but I know without a doubt that if the situation were reversed, you would do the same for me. And honestly, I would judge you if yo
u didn’t.

  “Now let’s get something straight here. Do not ever treat me like this again. I’ve been the perfect damn boyfriend of the year to you. I do everything for you and break my back just to make you smile. You do not have the right to say that to me. You do not have the right to get upset with me. Now shut up and deal with it.”

  She stared at me, breathing hard. Her eyes started to water.

  I stepped back and gave her space. “Now get out of my apartment.” I turned my back on her and walked into my bedroom. Then I slammed the door so hard it broke off the hinges.

  ***

  Slade held the door while I used my screwdriver to put the door back into place. “So…you guys had a fight?”

  I was still fuming about it. Skye and I hadn’t spoken since the night before. She didn’t call me and I didn’t call her. I didn’t go by the library during the day like I usually did. She owed me an apology and I wasn’t going to do anything until I got it. “Something like that…”

  “You guys didn’t break up, right?” Fear was in his voice.

  “No.” I wouldn’t let her go without a fight.

  He nodded. “Is there something I can do to help?”

  I shifted the door then drilled the hinge back into the case. “Just hold the door steady.”

  “I am holding it steady.”

  “Then keep doing it.”

  Slade fell silent while he waited for me to finish.

  When I was done, I opened the door then closed it again. It didn’t creak or shake. “It works.”

  “You ripped the door off like the Incredible Hulk or what?”

  “No. I just slammed it too hard.”

  Slade kept staring at me like I might snap. “Damn…how hard did you slam it?”

  “Pretty damn hard,” I snapped.

  Slade was usually full of jokes but today he kept them to himself. He knew I wasn’t in the mood. “It’s probably not the best time to bring this up but…”

  “What?” What more could possibly go wrong in my life?

  “My dad called and said the family is getting together at the ski lodge in Connecticut. We’re staying at Sean’s ski Chalet. Since it’s a four day weekend coming up, they want to go then.”

  I really didn’t want to deal with any of that right now. “Great.”