by Ramy Vance
“—Kat?”
“Ahh, Hi Aldie,” I said.
Gulp.
Backstage Isn’t as Glamorous as You’d Think
“Kat,” he repeated.
“Ahh, hey,” I said again. Egya’s hyena form snickered in an all-too-human way.
The audience, still and confused, waited for Aldie to do or say something. But instead he just stared at me, his eyes narrowing as he tried to comprehend what was happening. I suddenly felt very selfish for bursting in on him this way. A part of me wanted to give him a wee jab for how he’d ended things. Payback served publicly.
I didn’t consider the thousands of Others staring at us now. Nor did I consider how the sight of me would affect him. After all, he broke up with me. He ended it in the most callous, hurtful way imaginable, and I figured that because he didn’t care for me then, seeing me now would just throw him off.
What I didn’t expect were his stormy gray eyes softening as he stared at me that way he used to when we … um … how does Ella Fitzgerald put it? Made whoopee.
I also didn’t expect my own heart to flutter under his gaze. Damn, he was beautiful … but it was more than that. My heart also chorused with a thousand memories of when things were good. I wanted to go to him—no, that wasn’t right. I wanted to go back to a time when things were good between us. I wanted to go back to him.
My brain, however, managed to jump in and remind my stupid, traitorous heart what Aldie did to me. How he did it.
That was enough.
I gave Aldie that smile I used when saying, “Nice try.” That look used to send him into a rage, and I figured it would wake him up from whatever fugue state he was in now. But it didn’t. He just sighed, and I saw that his hands trembled ever so slightly.
Shit.
OK, time for me to get a little less subtle. “Hello everyone,” I said. Not that anyone who wasn’t sitting in the front row could hear me. I wasn’t miked up.
I looked around for a microphone, and the only one I could see was currently pinned to Aldie’s shirt. I stepped forward, and leaning close to his chest, said, “Hi everyone. Sorry to burst in like this, but I thought I’d surprise Aldie here. We’re old friends.”
It was awkward leaning in so close to him like that. It was even more awkward being so close to his chest and trying to make whatever eye contact I could with the audience.
Hearing me say that must have done the trick, because Aldie caught himself, remembering where he was … and who he was in front of. He cleared his throat. “That is true, but incomplete.” He turned to the audience. “And what is a half-truth but a …” He lifted his hands like the conductor in an orchestra, and the audience chorused out, “lie.”
“And lies are good for …”
“Nothing but pain.”
“And there is enough of that in this GoneGod World without us adding to it. I made a promise to you, but more importantly to myself, to always be the best version of me. Now, if I were immortal and an endless parade of tomorrows were still laid out before me, I might make some quip, dismiss the gravity of this reunion. After all, when there is always a sea of time to run from such encounters, why does anything hold importance? But there is no more time to turn the significant into a distant memory. And without that time, the only thing we can do is face it.”
He turned to me, angling his body so that the cameras picked up his face. Always the showman. With eyes that expressed endless empathy, he said, “And so to complete the truth, we were friends, but also lovers. And that affair ended so very, very horribly. How fitting. For what do I always say?”
“Your fate did not end with the gods.”
“And it seems that my fate is to face the horribleness of my past.” He sighed, looking back at me. “I suspect that such an experience will be something I shall share with you all.”
A chuckle sounded from the audience.
“But first thing’s first. I promised you an event you will not forget, and although I believe I have delivered on this already, this life-changing seminar isn’t over. Not nearly.” Aldie turned to me. Getting on one knee, he took my hand. “My dear Katrina, as you can imagine, your presence is distracting. If you don’t mind waiting for me backstage, I’ll be out soon.”
I nodded. “I waited for you for a couple hundred years. What’s a few more hours?”
“Ouch,” Aldie said to the laughing audience. “I’d say that was uncalled for, but that would be a lie. That was very much called for. Very much indeed.”
↔
The sphinx who had earlier mistaken me for an animal handler escorted me backstage, where she insisted I hand over Egya to Deirdre. “Wait for me here,” I said as I followed the sphinx to Aldie’s dressing room.
Once inside, the sphinx unceremoniously huffed before waddling away. “I’m sorry,” I called after her. It was the least I could do.
Alone I looked around the room. It was surprisingly bare given how lavish the Aldie I knew liked to live. Sparse with only a dressing mirror, some makeup and three changes of clothes.
An open suitcase sat on the couch. In it was a hair dryer, some spare clothes, sunglasses and the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Next to it was another book with Aldie’s face on it: The 13 Rules for Being Mortal.
Oh brother, he was an author, too.
It was probably full of useless tripe. Then again, I did have a couple hours to kill before he wrapped up so, I picked it up, looked at the ridiculous smile on his face and groaned as I opened it up.
**(If you’d like a summary of Aldie’s book, click here and join Mortality Bites FB Group. Aldie’s principles can be found inside!)**
↔
First I skimmed his book. Then I read it. Short, but surprisingly good. And not just for Others. For anyone mortal, really. Practical advice, moving stories … there were even a few stories about his ex-girlfriend (well, technically his ex-vampire ex-girlfriend. But so many clauses were a mouthful, so a forgivable omission, given that my demonic past wasn’t the point).
I had just finished reading about habit nine—Time Well-Burnt is Time Well-Spent—when I heard applause.
The changing room had been fairly insulated from the auditorium, but I still heard the explosion of cheers and clapping that told me Aldie had just finished his grand finale. I took a deep breath as I waited for my ex-boyfriend and the first person I ever truly loved to make it to the dressing room.
I heard the tapping of shoes on linoleum coming from the hallway. The steps echoed in a rhythm that implied someone was running, and before I could slow the frantic rush of my heart, Aldie burst into the room, slamming the door behind him.
“Before you say anything, I just—”
Aldie pulled me in close, kissing me with every fiber of his being and, at that moment, I’d like to say that I remembered Justin. Remembered that I had a boyfriend—a very hurt boyfriend—who was probably wondering where I was.
But Justin was the last thing on my mind. Hell, breathing was the last thing on my mind. All I knew at that moment was how warm and safe it felt to be in his arms. The outside world, with all its warring and squabbling, maniacal, wannabe gods and lost mortals, death and life … none of it meant anything.
All I knew was Aldie. And that felt great.
After what felt like an eternity, Aldie pulled away, grinning at me with those impossibly deep dimples accenting his smile.
It took me a moment to remember why I was here, but the memory of Enoch’s little bag of tricks jolted me back to reality. I cleared my throat. “As I was saying, before you say anything …”
“And I said nothing.”
I touched my lips. “I think you said plenty. Now, if you’ll hear me out …” I began turning away so that I didn’t have to look at him as I asked—nay, begged—for his help.
But Aldie was in front of me in a flash. I swear he must have burned a bit of time to get in front of me so fast. “No. After all these centuries, you have found your wa
y back to me. Whatever it is, whatever you need, the answer is yes. I only have one condition.”
“I’m not sleeping with you.” I immediately regretted saying that. Aldie may have been a dark elf from the UnSeelie Court, but he was not the kind of person to ever use his position to get what he wanted.
He looked down at me with his perfect, cloudy gray eyes, and the storm within them seemed to grow at my suggestion.
“Sorry,” I said. “It’s been a long day. Hell, a long re-humanization, and I’ve only been that for four years. What is your condition?”
“That you look me in the eyes when you ask for what it is you need from me.”
“That’s it? Look you in the eyes?”
He nodded, his lips pursed, and I suddenly got very defensive. I remembered what it was like being his girlfriend, and why we broke up. The fights, the deceit, the lies. “Why do I need to look you in the eyes, Aldie? Because you think I might lie to you and—”
“No,” he said with a force that stopped my would-be rant dead in its tracks. “Let us not follow that old script of distrust and anger. We might have once been monsters, but that was who they told us to be. The gods are gone, and they have taken their antiquated expectations of us with them. We must be different. We must change. And in changing, we will finally embrace the destiny that we chose, not the one chosen for us.”
“Yeah, yeah … I get it. What’s next? You’re going to recommend I take a swim in Lake Me, or some bullshit like that?” I said, rolling my eyes. “I saw you out there. You seem to think that we’re different because we’re mortal now. Come on! It’s not like you’re not playing some game with them and getting paid through the nose to do so.”
His stormy eyes grew grayer … not with sadness, but anger. “I am not that man anymore.”
“Sure you aren’t. Come on, it’s just the two of us here. Fess up.”
“I am not.” He clenched his fist. Here came the Aldie I knew. Fiery and loud, ready to break the world with words that poisoned more than venom.
But instead of falling into a punishing rant, he took a deep breath before saying, “It is funny how the old demons struggle for renewed life. No matter how deep I bury him, he wants to take the reins again. But I will not allow that. Never again. I am mortal, and my ‘new soul,’ as you mock me for, demands that before the true me. A ‘me’ who will finally get a chance to embrace the full potential that was always nestled deep within.”
“You should write a book.” I picked up a copy of The New Soul sitting on his dresser. “Oh wait, you already did.”
“Aye, milady, that I did.”
↔
“Kitty Kat,” he started. “Sorry, Katrina. I am a different elf now. You may not believe that, but I am. I have embraced my destiny. And that destiny was to help Others.”
“As in, with a capital O.”
“No,” he said, clearly listening in on my thoughts just like when we were together. “I mean it with a capital Everyone.”
“Give me a self-help guru break, will you? Besides, since when did you get a destiny?”
“Since I searched my past and found it.”
“So all the boozing, cheating, fighting and lying … it was hidden under there.”
“No, it was hidden under the responsibility of my family that I once turned away from. They may have been the aristocrats of the UnSeelie Court, but they always wanted to help. That was their calling. And that was the calling they wanted for their wayward son. But they’ve been gone for a long time now, and so are the pressures I once hid behind. And it is in their absence that I pick up the mantle that was always my inheritance.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, say something rotten and demeaning, but who was I to do so? I mean, I literally wore my father’s mask from time to time. Was I also picking up his mantle?
As if answering a question I knew I hadn’t spoken out loud, Aldie said, “It took me a while to understand them, and at first I didn’t embrace all of my destiny, simply helping those before me. But their full manifestation requires that I be a role model for the world, not just a good person.”
I thought about my father’s Divine Cherubs, how he led them, guided them through the perils of the underworld. All I did was wear the mask and did what I thought was right when what was wrong presented itself to me. So no, I guess I hadn’t fully picked up his mantle. Yet.
“So you’ve really changed?”
“I have.”
“No more lying, fighting, cheating?”
“No more lying and cheating. I still throw down when needed.” He lifted his fists up in the manner of a gentleman’s fisticuffs.
“Alright, I believe you. And I need your help.”
“Anything. Just—”
“Look you in the eyes. Got it.” And so I did. I looked him in the eyes and told him everything.
When I was done, I felt like a great burden had been lightened. Not lifted off my shoulders, mind you, but lightened, like Aldie had volunteered to carry it with me.
“OK, my dear,” he said. “I have a sure-fire plan to help your friends and get you to Paradise Lot. We can turn your friend back to a human through meditation.”
“I doubt that listening to whale sounds and—”
“Trust me. The way I do it could turn a chicken into a scholar and a hyena into a boy. I’m extremely zen.”
“I have no doubt you are.”
“And as for getting back to Paradise Lot … I have a private jet. So, problem solved.”
A private jet? Of course he did. But seeing as how he was going to help me and Deirdre and Egya get where we needed to go in that private jet, I only nodded. “Thank you, Aldie. I owe you one.”
“Pish posh … you owe me nothing. Not after I—”
I lifted a silencing hand. “No. Not now. I’m being stalked by an ex-archangel. I don’t think I can handle a heart-to-heart on top of all that.”
“I understand. Another time. Until then, let us marvel at how destiny still works in this GoneGod World.”
“Destiny?”
“Oh yes. I wasn’t supposed to be in Japan until the start of the new year, but the vendors offered me the auditorium for free, as well as robust promotion. I may be rich, but I’m also a bargain hunter. I couldn’t turn that down.”
“Oh no.” I grabbed his hand. “How could I be so stupid? Of course you’d be part of his plan.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And you don’t need to now. Now, we need to get out of here.”
But before I could say another word, a raspy voice said, “What a wondrous reunion. I had planned on interrupting earlier, but I could not help myself. I wanted to see how far you two would go. I must thank you, Aldie. You have shown me the way to her heart.”
“What? Who are—?” Aldie started, but before he could finish, Enoch held out a crystal-looking disk.
That was the last thing I saw before falling into total darkness.
↔
When I woke, Aldie and I were hanging from metal piping in some dank cellar. Our feet were several inches above the ground, and we were barefoot. “Why do the assholes who are into creaky basements and torture always take off your shoes?”
“To provide our guests with the most comfort,” Enoch’s voice rasped from behind us.
“Private thought,” I shot back. “Not for you.”
Enoch walked in front of me with what looked like one of those 18th-century medical kits. “Oh, dear Kat. Very soon it will all be for me.”
Aldie burst into speech. “The inner child always demands that the world give him everything, even when he has not earned it. But the path to true happi—”
Without turning around, Enoch pulled out four needles that were probably used to stitch up Frankenstein’s monster and stabbed them into Aldie’s chest.
“Ahh.” Aldie let out a muted moan before catching his breath. “But the path to true happiness is purpose. And each one of our purposes is as unique as the fractal, crystalline patt
erns of a snowflake,” he panted.
“Was he always like this?” Enoch asked with genuine curiosity.
“Oh yes,” I said. “For as long as I’ve known him.”
“Humph,” Enoch said. “Torturing him will give me more satisfaction than I anticipated. But as for you, dear Kat, believe me when I say I will derive no pleasure from what comes next.”
He punched me in the stomach.
“Well, I may have overstated my position. There will be a little pleasure in it for me.”
To be continued …
Part IV
Intermission:
Metatron knows he should not meddle in the affairs of man, but to ask one such as him to do nothing now that he knows the gods are preparing to leave? Inconceivable. That is why he travels to Earth after hearing the Fates’ words and seeing their tapestry.
He goes down to Earth to … well … meddle.
First he finds a creature of influence. A man of the cloth, as the humans say. This particular man is not only pious, but a human who possesses great resolve. Just like Metatron did when he, too, was mortal.
Tomás de Torquemada. A man capable of great love for God and little else. A man who will do anything and stop at nothing in the service of God.
Coming to this human as the angel that he is, he tells Tomás that humanity has lost its way. That their pitiful worship is not enough. He guides the human toward a great reformation, insisting that humans either fall to their knees in worship or death.
Imbuing this man with the tools necessary to usher in a new era, Metatron watches as the will of God is enforced on all. If such worship does not convince the gods to remain …
Metatron does not allow himself to complete the thought. This will work.
This must work.
For the sake of all, the gods must remain.