by Stella Dawn
But not this time. I watch her walk out to the front of the hut with her cases and join up with a few of the women. They start heading up the ridge and two of the younger men immediately follow as guards. Everyone knows women are not to go anywhere alone.
I follow at some distance, getting to the top of the ridge as the girls hit the beach. Eliana puts down her cases and the girls have a walk together, pointing at things and laughing at each other’s jokes. I feel like there’s a knife in my chest.
She hasn’t been that friendly with me over the past few days. That’s how it feels to me, anyway. That hopeless, powerless feeling grows. It doesn’t go away. She’s drifting away and I don’t know how to get her back. Soon that undercurrent will sweep her all the way back to earth and there will be no chance of our streams ever crossing again.
I know I can’t force her back towards me. She has to drift to me just as surely as she drifted away. It’s one of the most frustrating moments of my life. I want to run down the beach, grab her, kiss her, throw her in the hut and bolt the door shut.
That’s exactly what Zerok did. I’m not that guy. Not in any way, shape or form. I would never do that to her.
I take a deep breath, trying to ease out my anxiety. Watching her dancing and playing on the beach, I try to think of a way I can convince her to stay. Telling her my feelings didn’t seem to work. There must be another way.
Standing on the ridge becomes a ritual for me over the next few days. Each morning as she gathers with some friends, I follow some distance behind and watch her at her work. She’s far more playful than I’ve ever seen her, kicking up sand with the others while they all shriek with laughter.
I don’t get closer to see what she is doing. I know every day brings her project closer to completion. Very soon it will be time to sweep the bay, all of the biggest and strongest men will swim along the ocean floor and move throughout the bay. It’s a dangerous job but it changes the bay from a wild ecosystem to a domestic one. Much like a farmer working over a couple of acres of virgin ground to plant crops.
Being new to the planet, none of us were willing to just jump in. We only got this location because of our connections with the EAO so it made sense for them to provide us with a scientist.
I try to hold on to the idea that she might come back. Maybe I’ll get to see her again a couple of times a year, if she comes back to update her research.
I’m trying to settle myself to reality, but it doesn’t do any good. That idea is simply intolerable. Seeing her a couple of times a year would be torture.
How can I get her to stay? Every day I stand on the ridge and contemplate this question. I never feel like any answer is enough.
Every night we sleep together and even though we are wrapped in each other’s arms I feel like she is already light years away. She hated this planet before she even arrived on it. She can’t wait to leave.
There is no way my love is enough. She tells me she loves me every night and every morning. I answer the same and I try to impress it on her, using my eyes, my words, my hands. I stroke her skin and her hair, and I tell her she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
She reciprocates with love but still, every day I feel like she is further away. Her job is so close to being done and we have all the information we need now to thrive and return to our traditional way of life.
I have to wonder if our feelings are the same. I keep thinking, why doesn’t she love me enough to stay? The answer is, obviously, that I don’t love her enough to go.
I do. I would leave in a heartbeat and go anywhere in the universe she wanted me to go. I can’t though. I’m next in line to be clan leader. I’m needed here in so many ways. My father slowly passes more duties on to me every day and the young hunters look up to me for direction.
It’s a new colony, a vital one. We need branches of our civilization through space if we are to survive. That one goal is my life’s mission, to ensure safe passage and settling areas for our entire population.
No matter how much I love her, I can’t run away from my duty.
I can’t give up my people, and she can’t give up her career. Nor should she have to.
Every morning I watch her from the ridge. Every morning, my heart dies just a little more. I know I have to let her go.
I’m trying. But I just don’t know how.
29
Eliana
Every morning, I gather up my equipment while having breakfast. I’ve always loved to eat with Tsunis but lately he seems a bit withdrawn. I don’t want to pry. He has huge responsibilities as the next clan leader than I know nothing about, and I certainly don’t want to be seen as a nagging woman.
Almost every day I meet with the women and a few of them come with me to the beach. I’ve even sat with them on the long, hot afternoons making pots or weaving.
I’m absolutely fascinated by the tribal customs. A very old Ih’il woman named Lira tells me that the skills of weaving and sculpture have never been lost, even after thousands of years. Their home planet is now more city than water, a massive technological structure built on the only land mass on the entire planet.
They ended up poisoning the water as their tech advanced. They worked out a way to clean it, but it will take years and the issue of pollution from the city has not been resolved.
She explains their history to me in small pieces. As the sun gets high and it gets too hot to work, I find myself looking forward to sitting in the shade weaving or making pots.
This is one of the very first outpost communities. Everyone that came here did so to immerse themselves in the old ways. So many of the Ih’il want a return to simplicity and living in harmony with the land and sea.
While I’m working on the beach or calmly in the shade, I can feel that harmony. As the women begin to sing it’s as if all the animals and plants sing the same thing. It’s as if the environment knows the Ih’il are there to protect it and guide it. I see strange small birds starting to come down in great numbers.
“On Earth, we would chase them away.” I tell Lira. She smiles at me.
“They are a lot like our sentry birds. Once our chickens get here these little fellows will warn us of danger to our flock. All they ask in return is a bit of food and safe nesting areas.”
“That’s amazing!”
She shrugs. “We once wove our own lives and that of nature just as tightly as we bind these mats. We lost our way. I’m here to help my people find it again.”
I love their old traditions and customs. I love each and every one of them and my heart swells to be a valued member of the community.
I’m getting used to the food. I can’t say I like it. They are starting to fish, just a little. That brings in some variety but the best meal I had was hunted from the forest and only shared by me and some of the older men. Apparently, they were amazed that I could eat meat without getting sick.
Every day I see Tsunis watching me from the ridge. Well. I don’t know if he’s watching me. He could be looking at anything, but I feel like he’s watching me. I love him so much it’s like physical pain thinking about him and not being near him.
How can I convince him to come with me? My life will always be near the water and he would have everything he needed to be comfortable. We could be together, either in my dinky little apartment or sailing the universe in a private shuttle. We could be together.
If he would just come with me.
I wonder if he’s the only son of the clan leader. Are there any others who could step up? Why does it have to be Tsunis? Maybe he doesn’t want the job. Maybe he would prefer to come with me and see the stars.
I know he won’t. The idea depresses me so much that I find myself avoiding him. I can tell how this affects him, but I can’t help it. I feel kind of jilted, knowing that he wouldn’t come with me. It makes no sense because I admire him for his sense of duty, but I still feel abandoned.
I know that soon it will be time for me to leave. I’m surprised to fi
nd I don’t want to. I’ve settled into the routine of the village and I can’t imagine any other way to live now. I wonder if earth and her customs will seem alien to me when I get back.
I’ll awake every morning wondering why I can’t hear the women as they harvest the long, flat leaves for weaving. I’ll miss singing the sun into the sky with Lira, feeling the connection between now and all the previous generations through the traditional song.
It’s only a matter of time until the EAO say they have enough data to run tests and simulations and the Ih’il can start farming the bay. I’m dreading the moment that call will come. No matter how badly I want to stay I have to return to earth to be with humans.
This was supposed to be a temporary job and there will be other women coming who actually want to participate in the breeding program. That will kick off the colony and it will begin to grow. My life’s calling has always been to study the water and everything in it, not get stuck on one primitive planet to help a dying race revive their old ways as well as refresh their future with new blood.
It doesn’t sound so bad, though. I let myself play with the idea of staying. It just makes me sad because I know I can’t. They will call me home and I’ll have to hand over my data and probably go into a program of teaching others what I’ve done. It’s one of the most comprehensive studies ever undertaken on alien waters and I know the EAO is interested in my results.
One morning as I’m getting up and listening to the sun song, my little watch beeps. Its Taryne, telling me it’s time to come in and hand over my information. I stand in the cool shadows of the hut, staring at the watch like I could make it disappear. I don’t reply right away, trying to stall maybe.
Wondering if I could run into the jungle and never come back.
I let myself fall into the idea of staying and that thought is so comforting I don’t want to pull out of it. The trouble is, my heart wants to stay. So very badly. Hemstitching castles in the sky is only going to cause me more pain. I can’t indulge in fantasies. It’s just not worth it.
I come out into the crystal dawn and wave to my girls. They all wave back, faces easy and contented. I never knew how happy you could be living in such simplicity. You don’t need money and fancy things, you just need good friends and long, lazy days.
All the work the women do is essential to the running of the village, but it’s not back breaking at all. Even the men who have the harder jobs of hunting, protecting and building huts take regular breaks. Nothing is as important as maintaining your wellbeing to the Ih’il. I think humans could learn something from them.
I track down Tsunis who is on his way to the hut, probably to do his usual thing of watching me from the ridge. Even though my heart leaps when I see him my gloom drags my enthusiasm down again.
“Tsunis!” I have to call out to get him to look up. When he does, I hug him straight away, bringing him in for a kiss. He returns it, feeling somehow stiff and unfriendly.
“It’s Taryne.” My voice trembles but I’m determined to deliver the news. “She’s asked me to come back.”
He stares at me for a moment, eyes full of emotion while his face stays blank. He shakes his head and looks away.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper it so softly I don’t think he hears me. I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.
He meets my eyes again and now his face is clear of emotion. He nods once.
“We’ll leave tomorrow morning. I’ll make sure a shuttle is prepared.”
He turns and walks away and his turned back is just like a blade to my chest. I can’t ask him to come with me, it doesn’t look like he would even want to. I can’t stay, I’ve finally got the opportunity with the EAO I’ve always wanted.
My eyes fill with tears and I try not to let my feelings overwhelm me. I head back towards the women, ready to bid them goodbye and spend one final day on the shore of the bay.
30
Tsunis
I think my heart nearly broke when Eliana came to me yesterday to tell me Taryne had finally made contact, advising she’s expected to hand in her report to the EAO and that her - our - mission is over. I don’t want her to go, but she has to. I’ll escort her to Earth, but I can’t stay because my duties and responsibilities are here with the colony; with my people.
I never thought, all those weeks ago, that the spitfire I met in that tiny hovel would become so entrenched inside my heart. I don’t even want to think about my life without her in it, but we don’t have a choice. Despite everything, we can’t actually be fated for one another. If we were, this wouldn’t be happening.
We spent last night in our own huts, apart. No sense in prolonging the inevitable, no matter how much I want to be with her, no matter how much my arms ache to hold her, my lips long to be pressed against hers. I nearly had to lock myself in with a guard stationed outside my door, knowing if I went to her hut we’d be unable to stop ourselves from making love and then the hurt we’d both feel would just be so much worse.
I’m sure she’ll return to Earth and find a respectable human male to look after her and love her, but as sure as I am of that, I’m also sure he won’t love her as much as I do.
No one ever could.
The next morning, I rise early and dress in the same gear I wore when I went with Taryne and Yos to collect Eliana. I tie back my mass of turquoise curls with a leather strap and give myself the once over in the large mirror that stands in the corner of my room. I look presentable and respectable, the son of a great clan chief of the Ih’il, but my sadness at the thought of leaving her is also evident. I can’t hide it, and I don’t want to.
When I leave the hut, the craft I requested the evening before is already waiting for us in the center of the colony. Almost at the same time that I exit, Eliana does the same and I catch her eye.
She looks as devastated as I do.
We meet at the craft. I reach out to take her bags from her, not wanting her to shoulder any further burden. Our impending separation is burden enough. Even though I shouldn’t, I take her hand.
We’re greeted by a smiling crew when we board, because they don’t know the full details of our relationship. Even though each of them note our hands none of them comment, and their smiles never falter.
I settle her into the lounge before making my way to the cockpit to speak with the pilots, ensuring we’re set to depart and that they’ve plotted the best course for Earth. I certainly want to avoid any unexpected issues popping up along our journey, especially after our experience with Zerok and the Xoks.
When I return to Eliana I discover she’s been crying. Her beautiful dark eyes are red-rimmed and swollen. I approach her quickly, sitting down next to her and take her hands in mine once more.
“Will you be with me when I present my work to the EAO? Will you stand beside me?” she asks in a quiet voice. It breaks on every other word.
“Of course, I will,” I tell her. “I’m not going to leave you until I absolutely have to. Not until the very end.”
She nods but says nothing, and all I can do is watch as more fat, silent tears slip down her cheeks. They pool onto the crest of her top lip and she makes no move to brush them away.
I lift her face before I can stop myself and before I can move she presses her mouth against mine. I taste the salt of her tears and she tastes like the sea, of home, of the place that made me.
Once again, the thought of our separation threatens to destroy me. Although our kisses begin softly, they quickly become urgent because she’s going to leave and I need to have her one more time.
When I returned to the lounge I’d made sure to lock the door, not wanting the crew to disturb us. Truthfully, I had no idea this would happen again, but I should have known. We love one another, even if we’ve never said the words aloud. That’s what this is. That’s why the thought of her leaving hurts so much.
With quick hands, I undress her quickly, but take my time savoring her body. My eyes roam over her generous curves and the flat
expanse of her stomach. They linger on the swell of her breasts and I dip my head to take one of her dark nipples into my mouth, lapping it with my tongue.
She moans in response, a long, drawn-out sound that reverberates down deep into my bones. The sound of her desire invades every sense I have, causing my cock to stiffen in my pants as I take turns tracing each of her nipples with my tongue.
She knows I desire her and her hands reach down to unfasten my pants, sliding them down over my hips and off. I feel her long fingers wrap around the base of my cock, stroking it purposefully, pressing it up against her already slick folds.
She wraps her legs around my waist as I lower her back onto the couch, opening herself to me. My cock is throbbing and begs entrance to her willing body. She's already sopping wet, dripping all over me, her need for me as evident as mine is for her.
When I finally push inside, an ecstatic cry escapes her throat. Her hands reach up to tangle in my hair, removing the leather that binds it. It falls into my face but she pushes it away so she can stare up into my eyes.
I want her so, so badly. I want to fuck her hard and fast and make her scream my name as she comes, but at the same time, I want to make love to her. This could be the last time we ever spend like this, wrapped up so tightly in one another, that I force myself to go slow.
I reduce the pace of my thrusts, pulling my cock in and out of her so slowly, teasing her entrance with the head of it, only to drive back into her. Every time I fill her up she gasps as she stares into my eyes, not breaking contact for a second.
My lips search her entire body as we move, over her face, against the shell of her ears, down to her chest and across her breasts. I nibble and suck my way all over her skin, leaving tiny bruises behind as evidence of my love for her. They won't stay forever, but at least she'll have something to remember me by during her first week back on Earth.
I can tell she can't take much more of this. Her breathing comes in ragged gasps and her entire body trembles with her need for release. I'm not far off either - my cock is so hard it's nearly painful - so I reach a hand between us and lightly press a finger down onto her clit. Her entire body shudders at my touch.