“Please, Quinn? It’s me. It’s Sasha.” She reached for him again but the scent of first blood seemed to energize him and he brought his weapon down on her again. Sasha reacted quickly, blocking his aggressive strike with her blades.
“Why do you push so hard, Sasha?” Quinn growled. “I don’t love you.”
“Quinn, please. Don’t do this,” she cried as she fought him off, trying not to let him corner her against the wall.
She had to save him from this madness. Her mind was a whirl of confusion, but her body fell into the kalari forms seamlessly. She moved with instinct, twisting her body into the familiar defensive movements. As the minutes dragged into hours and still he pursued her, Sasha’s limbs grew heavy and weak. I’m running out of time. She couldn’t remember why, but an overwhelming sense of urgency filled her. She had to get out of this place. Now.
“Snap out of it!” She ducked his sword and rushed to his side, hoping her touch or the sound of her voice could bring him back to himself. “This isn’t you. We’ve loved each other our whole lives!” But Quinn didn’t care anymore. His blade sliced through her robes, connecting with her flesh. The action shattered something inside her.
It took her far too long to realize the only way out of this nightmare was to kill the boy she loved. He was too far gone. He was going kill her. I can’t let that happen. I have an important job to do. Although she couldn’t remember what that job was.
With a heartbroken sob, Sasha stopped fighting defensively and began pushing her attack.
“Don’t make me do this,” she begged when she had him cornered, but he wouldn’t back down. He never spoke. He just continued his single-minded pursuit.
Sasha’s cries bounced off the temple walls, the echoes filling the night as she brought her blades to his throat.
“Sasha?” Quinn finally looked at her in confusion. His blue eyes warmed with recognition and she hesitated.
But his smile was one of triumph and not the smile she remembered from the boy she was once convinced was her Complement.
“No!” Sasha’s voice broke in anguish as she screamed and brought her blade across his throat. The dagger he was about to plant in her side clattered to the ground. The spurt of his warm blood sprayed her face and covered the front of her robes.
Sasha stumbled back, dropping her weapons, letting Quinn’s lifeless body slump forward.
“I killed him!” she shrieked into the swirling clouds of smoke.
She stared down at her bloody hands, wondering how they could betray her. Violent tremors racked her body as she backed away from Quinn’s still form. “I killed him,” she whispered, dropping to her knees.
“What have you done?” Aidan’s shadow loomed over her.
“I had to do it, Aidan.” She scrambled through the dirt as he closed in on her. “No. Please. Don’t.” She cringed as he pulled his sword from the sheath at his back. A dagger in one hand and his favorite sword in the other, her brother—her best friend—stalked her. His eyes glowed in fury.
“How could you do it, Sash? You’re supposed to love him. What’s wrong with you?” Aidan hauled her up from the ground and had his dagger at her throat before she could blink.
Once again, her body reacted in a way that defied what her mind wanted. Her bloodied blades glinted in the moonlight as she twisted out of his grip and turned them on her brother. She danced on silent feet, never letting her opponent touch her. It was easier this time, moving through the motions of the fight as her mind disconnected from her body until she felt like a spectator—a soldier following orders they didn’t understand.
“No, Aidan. Leave, please just leave,” she begged.
“You killed my best friend!” His accusing stare cut her to the core.
“He was going to kill me.”
“Then you should have died! You obviously deserve it. While he’s been out there fighting for his life, what have you been doing, Sasha?”
“I, I don’t know! I can’t remember!” she sobbed.
“You’ve been off flirting with your trainer while the boy you profess to love has been tortured and enslaved. You were supposed to be helping him escape!”
“I know. I know—that’s why I have to get out of here. It’s important, Aidan.”
“It’s too late, Sasha. You killed him.” Aidan’s eyes blazed in fury. “There is nothing more for you to do. I wish Mom had left you to rot in that orphanage where she found you.” He raised his sword to run her through.
She couldn’t look into those eyes anymore. She flew into a whirling kick to disarm him. Sasha raised her daggers for the killing blow, plunging both blades through her brother’s chest.
Sasha threw her head back and a scream like a wounded animal ripped from her throat.
“You killed my son?” Their mother drifted through the smoke, staring at Aidan’s still form, blood pooling beneath him. “He was right. I should have left you in that orphanage the day I found you. It should be you dead on the cold ground. Not him. He was my favorite. My precious son.”
“No. Mom. Please. I’m so sorry,” Sasha wailed, but Naeemah lunged at her with a knife.
“Momma, please don’t.” Sasha dropped her weapons to the ground, too heartbroken to fight her own mother. “Mom!” Sasha’s voice shook as she raised her arms, deflecting Naeemah’s blade with her bare fingers. “Please,” Sasha whimpered, her arms a bloody mess from her mother’s knife.
“You will pay for the life of my child.” Naeemah stalked her.
“I have an important job to do,” Sasha insisted. She reluctantly retrieved her weapons. She would rather die than be forced to kill her mother, but Sasha’s work wasn’t complete. She had a mission. She would not fail.
“You? You’re nothing. Nothing at all next to my powerful son. Is that why you killed him? Petty jealousy?”
“No, Mother,” Sasha said calmly. “I loved him like my own twin.” She gave herself over to the fight, letting her body perform the job her mind couldn’t fathom.
Naeemah’s body joined Aidan’s. The bodies continued to pile up as Sasha fought the people she loved most in this world. They kept coming for her and her sense of urgency to escape grew with each opponent she faced. Her brother, Darius. Her father. Uncles. Imogen. Allie. Chloe. Graham. Everyone she’d ever loved came for her, spouting the most terrible lies as they tried to kill her. So many times, Sasha wanted to give up and let them have her. But her body refused to fail the mission that had been set before her.
She stumbled in the darkness, her arms slick with the blood of her family. Her voice broken from the screams that tore her throat raw until it bled.
As the smoke began to clear, Sasha fell in a heap among the bodies she’d slain. The ground still warm with their blood.
She stared up at the moon, her energy spent. She watched the clouds scuttle across the sky. The cool breeze chased the scent of sulfur away, replacing it with the scent of flowers.
“The gardens are so pretty at night.”
“Shhh, angel.” Jayesh stood over her now. “You’re okay; it was just the wine. Come back to me, Sasha.” He pulled her to her feet, gently slapping her face, but she couldn’t see past the visions of her dead family.
“I killed them.” She swayed on her feet.
Jayesh swept her up in his arms. “It’s alright,” he whispered. “It’s over now.”
“I killed Quinn. I love him. I should have let him kill me and then none of this would have happened. They’d all be safe. Why did I do it, Jayesh? Why? Am I a monster?” Her voice cracked as she sobbed into his shoulder.
“No, angel, you’re not the monster here. I am for making you do this.”
~~~
Sasha’s head throbbed as the effects of the wine began to wear off in the hours just before dawn. She stared at the ceiling as Imogen lay beside her, stroking her hair, still damp with sweat and blood.
“It wasn’t real?” she whispered.
“No, sweetie. They were phantoms, conjured by one
of the monks in residence here. The wine causes the confusion. It makes you forget everything except the need to fight for your life. To respond as you have been trained.”
“In my mind … they were all mortal and I really killed them. Our family.” Sasha sniffed back a fresh wave of tears. “I just don’t understand. Why? What was the point?”
“This is what it means to become an assassin, Sasha. You must experience this night again and again and again. You will face those phantoms, forgetting you’ve done it before. Forgetting your immortality. Forgetting theirs. You will fear death. Theirs as well as your own. Every single night until you can survive the experience without an emotional response. You will kill your family and those you love over and over and over until you learn to shut off your emotions and follow the instincts of your body, leaving the madness of your mind behind you. When you can walk out of the experience on your own two feet, you will have conquered ankathari and can move on to the final phase of verumkai.”
“How many times did you kill our mother?” Sasha whispered.
“I slayed our mother’s phantom more than one thousand times,” Imogen said sadly.
Sasha buried her head on her sister’s shoulder and sobbed.
~~~
“Sasha, you need to eat. You’re getting too thin,” Jayesh said.
“I’m not hungry.” She shoved the plate of fruit away. Even the sight of it made her sick.
“You need your strength for tonight.”
“Please don’t remind me.” Her eyes filled with tears. Perhaps some people were built for this kind of training, but Sasha wasn’t one of them. It was more than she could bear.
“Have you been sleeping at all?”
She shook her head. “Every time I close my eyes I see them. Dead or dying. Blood everywhere. I can’t do this, Jayesh.”
“We have to get through this. We’ve come this far.”
“We? What do you mean, we? I’m the one down there every night, killing my family.”
“And I’m the one watching you do it, Sasha. I’m the one forcing you to drink the wine every night. You don’t remember, but some nights I have to pour it down your throat.” His voice shook as he slammed his fist against the stone pillar. “And I’m the one who carries you out of there every night. I’m doing this to you. And if it were up to me, I’d end it now. But I am powerless against this. I’ll never be able to convince the Senate that just because your ability is attractive to them, it doesn’t make you a born assassin. They don’t care. I’m afraid we are stuck here until we can both get through the night without cracking. Do you even know how many times I’ve pulled you out of there simply because I couldn’t bear to watch you scream for another minute?”
“We’ve done this for eighty-seven nights in a row and it’s not getting any easier,” she whispered. “If anything, it’s getting harder. What am I doing wrong? How do I make it through the night when the wine makes me forget, makes it seem like the first time all over again?” Her eyes brimmed with the tears she couldn’t seem to stop. Sasha had never been a crier before, but her experience with ankathari had broken something inside her.
“You have to find your determination. You have to fight and keep fighting. It doesn’t end when I carry you back to the temple. The fight is right now and you’re losing it. You have to eat. You have to sleep. You have to keep your body strong. You have to train in the mornings and you have to slay the phantoms each night. You have to forget who they represent. You need to learn to see them as faceless strangers. And one day it will get a little easier. And the next. And the next. And eventually you will conquer your mind as well as your body.”
Sasha swiped at her tears. “This is so messed up, Jay. I just want to break things, I’m so angry and so sick of feeling like this.”
“Yes. Get angry, Sasha. You should be angry. Channel that rage into getting through this.”
Sasha reached for the bowl of fruit. She’d thrown up almost everything she ate lately. But he was right; the only way to end this was to get through it.
“Don’t let me wallow, Jay. Keep me moving forward. Please. Whatever it takes.”
“You have my word.” Jayesh took her hand in his. “We will take this one day at a time … together.”
~~~
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
Quinn: Fall
Cleveland, Ohio
The darkness made it worse than it actually was. And the sound of water rushing through the tunnel miles ahead didn’t bode well for the second half of their journey. The flooding was bad this time of year, when the lake was at its highest. They might have to swim a good part of the way.
“I need to rest,” Santi said. “Just for a minute.”
Quinn nodded, slipping to the muddy ground. Livia’s power pulled harder and harder with every passing minute. It was like she was sucking the life right out of them. He wasn’t sure how they were going to make it. For the last hour Quinn had struggled with the overwhelming urge to turn back.
“I feel sick,” Santi said. “I’m not sure I can go on. She’s too deeply ingrained in me.”
“I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t anticipate this.” Quinn reached for her hand in the darkness.
“Whatever happens, you have to keep going. You have to get away. If I can’t do this….”
“Shhhh, Mina. We’ll do this together. By tomorrow I’ll be showing you the Yard, where Livia can never touch us.”
“What’s the Yard?”
“It’s a huge cavern deep under the lake. My mother and grandmother and some of their friends turned it into a terrarium like the warehouse back at Soma, but I promise there are no mountains there to climb. It’s amazing, Santi. It’s filled with warm sunshine, cool breezes, and birds chirping.”
He winced at the thought of those birds. Sasha had called them there years ago. She’d raised them and ferried the old ones out every few generations when the young ones ventured out of their nests. He would have to figure out how to deal with his feelings for Sasha and his feelings for Santi. It was impossible to go through something like they had and not be forever bonded by the experience. But he had so much history with Sasha. How can you be in love with two people at the same time? After so much time, and after everything he’d been through, Quinn wasn’t the same person he’d been the night of the Springtime Ball. But there was still a part of him that would always be in love with Sasha.
And then there’s Jayesh. Jealousy ripped through him at the thought of all the time Jay had spent with Sasha.
“Sounds beautiful,” Santi whispered.
“You‘ll love it,” Quinn said, putting his warring thoughts of Sasha aside.
“I’m not going to make it, Quinn. I’m not strong enough. Not anymore. Maybe if I hadn’t been with Livia as long as I have. But she owns me. She’ll always own a piece of me. I can feel her draining me, pulling me back. Already my feet itch to do her bidding.”
“We can push through it, Santi. Don’t give up on me now.”
She drew in a ragged breath that sounded more like a death rattle.
“I’m coming,” she whispered. “I’ll be right behind you. If I fall back, you have to promise you’ll keep going, Quinnton. You’re stronger than you know. You’re stronger than she knows. She’s been pushing you for months but you’ve held your ground. You can do this. If she pulls me back, it’ll be okay because you’ll be free and you’ll come for us. Promise me? Promise me you won’t quit?”
“I promise. Come on. Let’s keep going.” He offered her his hand. There was no way he would let her give up.
“I’m right behind you. For as long as I can.”
“Just … don’t give up, Santi. I need you. I can’t go back to my old life. Not without you. My family … they’ll expect me to go back to how it was before and I just can’t face that. Not alone.”
“We’ll do it together,” she promised.
They continued on in the darkness, their steps echoing all around them. Quinn
fell into a steady pace, but his mind whirled with thoughts of Livia and how badly he wanted to return to her side. He fought the urge with every breath. With each step he took, Livia pulled back, reeling him in like a fish on a line. He grew foggy and disoriented and wasn’t sure how long he’d stumbled through the shallow water rushing around his knees, nor how long ago Santi had succumbed and left him in the darkness to return to their master.
When he realized she was gone and he was alone, he sobbed. Quinn couldn’t fathom not having her near. But he knew he couldn’t turn back. He had to keep going. For both of them. He had to keep his promise.
The water churned around his shoulders, forcing him off his feet. His chest ached with the icy burn of his power. Livia was furious with him, but she would take it out on Santi. Every step he took would bring her more harm. But he had to keep going. His arms sliced through the water and he gasped for each breath as it rattled in his lungs.
He wasn’t sure when he started drawing on his power. Livia’s hold on him was slipping. He had more control than he’d had in months. He struggled with the seduction of it, cautious not to fall into the temptation now, at the worst possible moment.
As the tunnel began to rise, Quinn emerged from the muddy waters, dragging one foot in front of the other. He drew on the strength of his power to keep himself moving forward, but the battle he was currently fighting against Livia had him dangerously close to the limits of his addiction.
More. We need more…. The voice of his gift echoed in his mind. To resist her we need more power. Give us control.
“No! I am in control,” Quinn shouted into the darkness, his voice reverberating back to him.
Then go back to the bitch. She owns you.
“I’m not going back,” he argued with himself. But he was about to cross a line he swore he never would. If he was going to make it, he had to use the full force of his power.
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