No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  “Yes. You’re mine, Josh, and I’ll say it to anyone you need me to.”

  “Your work?”

  Connor swallowed. “I’ll tell them.”

  Joy sparked in Josh's heart. Connor was willing to come out of the closet for him. He was serious about them. “Did you mean what you said about Noah and Indy this morning?”

  “Yes. I get that you need them, even if it’s hard for me to not be jealous. But Josh, anything more than kissing and you talk to me first, ask me for permission.”

  Yup, there it was again. That authoritative tone that made Josh want to bend over and take it. “Yes, Connor,” he said. The satisfied look on Connor’s face was beautiful. “Will you spank me if I disobey?” Josh teased.

  Connor laughed. “I’m not sure that would be effective as a punishment, seeing how much you’re looking forward to it. I’ll have to find something else more deterring, like not fuck you for a week.”

  Josh's eyes went big. “Damn, that’s cruel. You know how much I like the Beast.”

  Connor brought his mouth so close to Josh's their breaths mingled. “The Beast likes you too, Beauty. But if you disobey me, I will deny you the pleasure, even if it costs me, too.”

  Josh was sure it was really, really fucked up that this turned him on. For fuck’s sake, he was throbbing hard. The slight sting in his ass had bothered him all day, a reminder of their session last night. Josh had told himself to wait at least twenty-four hours before letting Connor fuck him again, but right now, he’d drop his pants and spread his legs in an instant to take him in again, pain be damned.

  “That dominant thing comes pretty naturally to you,” he said, his voice hoarse.

  “You have no idea how much you submitting turns me on. Every time you say ‘yes, Connor’, I want to rip your pants off and fuck you senseless.”

  Yup, Connor could fuck him right here, and Josh wouldn’t mind one bit.

  “Are you two lovebirds about done?” Noah shouted.

  “Not even close,” Josh whispered.

  9

  Connor woke up the next morning at oh-five-hundred sharp with a naked Josh draped all over him. Josh's head was on his shoulder, his breath breezing over Connor’s nipple. Connor didn’t move, too scared he’d wake him up. He sighed with contentment. God, he could get used to this.

  By unspoken agreement, nobody had mentioned the Fitzpatrick situation yesterday evening. Instead, Josh and Indy had cooked dinner—a pasta dish with some delicious spicy sausage, fresh tomatoes, and basil—and they watched a movie. Noah and Indy were lounging on the couch, their bodies intertwined—though Indy had been careful to not touch Noah’s leg. It was bothering him more than usual, Connor had noted. Noah kept wincing whenever he moved, and Connor had seen him pop a pill—presumably a painkiller.

  He and Josh had been in one of the reading chairs. Josh had started on the floor, leaning against him, but had moved to his lap where they had kissed and snuggled. During a fiery love scene in the movie, Connor had looked up from having kissed Josh senseless to find Noah’s hand buried deep in Indy’s unbuttoned pants. Seconds later, they’d gone upstairs where the subsequent loud moans left no doubt as to their activities. Connor and Josh had followed suit and had managed to keep the fresh sheets clean with a satisfying mutual blow job.

  Josh had begged Connor to take him again, but Connor had refused. He’d seen the slight cringe on Josh's face throughout the day whenever he exerted himself too much. There was no way Connor would exacerbate that pain, so the answer was no. When Josh had whined a little, Connor had gotten firm and had threatened to withhold for a day extra for every time Josh whined. That had shut him up.

  How he had loved spending this time with Josh. Every minute with him, he felt more alive, more human. It had made him painfully aware of his loneliness, the unbearable emptiness of his life until now. He was proud of his time in the Marines, and he was grateful to serve as a cop, but he’d been sleepwalking. Josh had awakened him to a different life, one where he could feel, experience, love.

  He jolted when the door was unlocked, and someone stepped inside. Indy.

  “Everything okay?” he whispered.

  “No. It’s Noah. He’s in incredible pain, and I don’t know what to do. I need Josh.”

  Connor’s breath stilled. He knew what Indy was implicitly asking. God, he’d known this would come up at some point, but he’d hoped to have more time to reconcile himself with the idea. How could he let Josh be used by Noah when he wanted him so desperately for himself? Still, he had no choice. Josh would never forgive him if Connor didn’t allow him to be there for Noah.

  He kissed Josh, stroking his head. “Josh, baby, wake up.”

  Josh's eyes opened. “Hey, baby,” he whispered. “Impatient for me to wake up again?”

  “Indy needs you. It’s Noah.”

  Josh shot up. “Is he okay?”

  “His leg is killing him. I don’t know if he overdid it on the paintball range or what, but it’s bad. I figure he has a fever, too.” Indy sounded close to tears.

  Josh scrambled up and climbed out of bed without so much as a glance at Connor. He followed Indy into the hallway, and Connor heard them walk in the other bedroom. Connor sat up with clenched fists, forcing a breath through a constricted throat.

  You’re losing him. He’ll always choose Noah above you.

  He dragged himself out of bed and got dressed. What else could he do? If they want him to stay much longer, they should at least let him pick up fresh clothes. He was wearing Noah’s boxers, and though they fit, it was awkward as hell. Not as awkward as the sounds he was about to hear, though. Maybe he should go downstairs so he wouldn’t have to listen in. How could Indy be okay with this, let alone watch? If they’d force him to watch, he’d fucking kill Noah. There was no way in hell he would be able to look and do nothing while another man was touching Josh. His Josh. But he wasn't truly Connor's, now was he? He would always be Noah’s first.

  Fully dressed, he sat down on the bed, his head in his hands, waiting for the proverbial ax to fall. Josh's voice was audible. Connor raised his head, tried to make out the words.

  “I don’t give a fuck what you want, Noah. This is not your decision anymore. We’re taking you in, right now.”

  Take him in? What the hell was going on?

  Josh stormed into the room, buttoning up his jeans, and his socks in his hands. “Good, you’re dressed. You need to carry Noah down. We’re taking him to the ER.”

  Connor’s mind shifted into operational mode. “What’s wrong?”

  “He has an infection on his stump that’s spreading. The stubborn asshole has kept it from me, tried to self-medicate it. He’s a fucking PA, and he should know better!”

  The last words were clearly aimed at Noah, who responded from the other room with an equally loud “Fuck you!”.

  “Get the car ready and grab essentials for him. I’ll bring him down,” Connor said.

  “He won’t like it,” Indy said, stepping into the room. His face was pale, and he was fidgeting with his hands.

  Connor shot him a reassuring smile. “I can handle it. Go downstairs.”

  After putting his shoes on, he walked into the other bedroom without hesitation. “Let’s go,” he said.

  Noah was still on the bed, naked, with a big scowl on his face. “I’m not going anywhere. Josh is overreacting. It’s nothing.”

  Connor crossed his arms. “What you mean is that you’d rather he pity-fuck you so you can go back to feeling sorry for yourself.”

  Noah narrowed his eyes. “Wouldn’t you prefer Josh's sweet, tight ass over a hospital?”

  Noah was baiting him. And dammit, it was working. Connor bit down on his temper. “I would. But no matter how sweet Josh's ass is, it will not heal an infection,” he said coolly.

  “It’s just irritated, not infected.”

  “Really? So you’re requesting a pity-fuck at oh-five-thirty over a mere irritation of your skin?”

  “Fuck
you!”

  “No, but thanks for offering. You’ve got two choices, Flint. You can go to the hospital as naked as you are right now, or you can go wearing clothes. The choice is yours. But I will take you to the hospital, and I’ll knock you out cold if I have to. You still owe me a couple of punches anyway.”

  Noah was fuming, his face tight with anger and pain. “Close the door,” he bit out at Connor between clenched teeth.

  Connor thought he could’ve asked nicer but decided to let it go. The man was in pain, so he could cut him some slack.

  “I know it’s infected. But I didn’t want to go to the hospital.”

  Connor saw more on the man’s face than mere pain and frustration. Fear. A deep sense of duty. “You didn’t wanna leave Indy and Josh alone.”

  “They need me. I know that sounds like a massive ego thing, but it’s not.”

  “I get it,” Connor said.

  Noah let out a muffled curse, and his face distorted with pain. “I need to know I can trust you.”

  “I love him.” Connor wasn’t even sure why he told Noah, but he meant what he said. “I don’t know why or how it happened so quickly, but I love him. I would die before I’d hurt him, at least intentionally.”

  Noah nodded, accepted. “And Indy?”

  “I don’t know how to prove I mean him no harm, other than to keep saying it. I hate my family, Noah. I hate who they are and what they did to him.”

  “Okay, then.” Noah let out a shaky breath. “I’m trusting you to take care of them, O’Connor. Don’t let me down.” Connor nodded. Was Noah’s voice weaker, or was that his imagination? He looked flushed, sweaty, his eyes glazed. “Grab me a shirt and some boxers, would you?”

  Connor opened a random drawer, found boxers that matched the ones he was wearing and assumed they were Noah’s. In the next drawer there was a stack of white shirts. He threw them at Noah, expecting him to catch them, but they fell down on the bed.

  Noah smiled weakly. “I fucked up,” he said.

  Hesitantly, Connor walked over to him, grabbed his shoulder to pull him up. Noah’s skin was burning hot under his hand. “Oh, shit,” Connor said, his eyes growing big. “Fucking hell.”

  “Sepsis,” Noah brought out, blinking slowly. “Tell them sepsis.”

  Noah went weak as jelly under his hands, then passed out. Connor grabbed the cell phone on the nightstand, dialed the all-too-familiar number. “Dispatch, this is Officer O’Connor, badge number seven-eight-five. I need an ambulance over at two-four Dearborn for a civilian with life-threatening fever due to infection.”

  “Ten-four, O’Connor, ambulance en route to two-four Dearborn. Which hospital do you prefer?”

  “Albany General. Please alert the staff they have a colleague coming in, physician assistant Noah Flint. Infected amputation stump resulting in high fever, possible sepsis.”

  “Ten-four. Ambulance is four minutes out.”

  “Thanks, dispatch. I’ll have someone stand outside to guide them in. I’ll call you back when I’m outside.”

  He wrapped the sheet around Noah, not bothering with more clothes. It didn’t make sense when they were about to treat him anyway. Noah was passed out, his whole body burning up with fever. Oh, God. Please let him be okay. Josh will not survive if Noah doesn’t make it.

  Connor folded his arms under Noah’s body and lifted him off the bed. Josh was waiting in the hallway, his face white as the sheet around Noah. “He passed out. Ambulance is on the way. Tell Indy to stand outside and guide them in. And I need my phone and wallet, please.”

  Connor carried Noah down the stairs, out the front door. Josh was outside in the driveway with a flashlight, and he’d turned on all the lights around the house. In the distance, sirens wailed.

  “Where’s Indy?” Connor asked.

  His muscles trembled with the effort of holding Noah up. Normally, he would’ve slung him over his shoulder which would have distributed his weight better, but he was scared it would rub the stump and hurt the guy even more. With the fever he was sporting, his system couldn’t take much more.

  “I don’t know,” Josh said. “Your phone and wallet were downstairs on the kitchen counter. I have them on me.”

  “Are you okay?” Connor checked. The last thing they needed now was for Josh to get hit with an episode.

  “Yeah, but keep talking to me, please.”

  Connor made senseless small talk until the ambulance pulled up, lights blazing and sirens on until they pulled up in the driveway. Noah was transferred to a stretcher and wheeled in in no time. Connor’s muscles were screaming in relief, and he rubbed his arms hard to get them to relax.

  “Is one of you riding with him?” the paramedic asked.

  “I can’t,” Josh said, panic visible in his eyes.

  “You guys go. We’ll drive to the hospital,” Connor decided. Josh handed him his phone and wallet. He punched in the number again “Dispatch, this is O’Connor again, seven-eight-five. Ambulance has arrived. Thank you.”

  “Ten-four, O’Connor. Out.”

  “Okay, let’s find Indy, and we’ll head for the hospital.”

  They hurried inside, expecting to find Indy there. Two minutes later they had searched the entire house, and he was nowhere to be found.

  “He’s gone,” Josh said, dragging a shaky hand through his hair. “How could he do that? Noah needs him.”

  Connor sighed. “He had a lot to deal with the last two days with me discovering who he was. Maybe it was all too much. He’ll come back, baby. He loves Noah, and you, too.”

  Josh closed his eyes and drew in a ragged breath. “I can’t lose him, Connor.”

  Connor didn’t hesitate but pulled him close and hugged him tightly. “Don’t allow your mind to go there. You’ll break if you do. Stay grounded in the now, okay? I’m right here with you.”

  Josh leaned in, nodded with his cheek against Connor’s.

  “Let’s go to the hospital. We’ll leave the back door open so Indy can get in if he comes back.”

  He kept making small talk in the car, constantly drawing Josh back to reality. Fuck, if he slipped into an episode, things would get fucked up. He parked the car—luckily the parking lot was all but empty at this time—and held on tight to Josh's hand as they walked inside. It hadn’t even occurred to him he was in a way coming out as gay until he ran into a colleague.

  “O’Connor,” Mack said. His eyes widened as they trailed to Josh's hand, entwined in Connor’s. “What brings you here?”

  “Mack,” Connor nodded. Josh's hand stilled in his. Connor had expected to be nervous when the time came, but he wasn’t. All he felt was a deep inner peace, a sense of doing the right thing. “This is Josh, my boyfriend. A friend of ours was brought in, so we’re checking up on him.”

  To Mack’s credit, he didn’t react in any way other than that slight widening of his eyes. “Nice to meet you, Josh, though I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances. I’m Oliver Mack.” He didn’t extend his hand, but maybe that was because Josh's right hand was in Connor’s.

  Josh merely nodded, his body tense.

  “Captain said you took a few days off,” Mack said, his voice trailing off at the end. His curiosity wasn’t unexpected as Connor had never taken a day off so far.

  “I needed to be there for our friend. Listen, Mack, we need to go. I’ll talk to you soon.” Connor was firm, gave Mack a courtesy nod and walked on. Josh followed him wordlessly.

  “Josh!” A petite, fifty-something woman in nurses’ scrubs spotted them and hurried to them. She halted awkwardly when she noticed them holding hands. Of course, people would stare. This was Noah’s workplace, and they all thought Josh was Noah’s boyfriend. Noah would not have brought Indy here, what with everyone having met him as a female patient. Shit, what should Connor do? He didn’t want to let go of Josh's hand. First of all because he wanted to claim him, but also because he needed him grounded. Still, he loosened his grip, signaling to Josh it was his choice. As a reaction, Jos
h held on even tighter.

  “How is he?” Josh said, the first words he’d spoken since the car ride.

  “You know I’m not allowed to say anything as a nurse,” the woman said.

  “Come on, Judy, you know as much as any doctor here, at least that’s what Noah always says, and you know he doesn’t give a shit about you breaking rank,” Josh said.

  She smiled. “No, he wouldn’t,” she relented. “He’s not doing well, honey. I’m sorry. His fever is spiking, and they suspect the infection is spreading. They’re doing rush blood work. Owens has called in the surgical attending.”

  Josh clamped Connor’s hand so hard, he was bound to have bruises tomorrow. “What’s the worst-case scenario?”

  Judy put her hand on Josh's shoulder. “Worst case it develops into sepsis, and his organs start shutting down. Or it spreads too far in his leg, and they have to amputate the entire leg.”

  “That fucking idiot,” Josh let out. “Sorry, Judy.”

  “No worries, honey, it’s nothing I haven’t heard from Noah before. Why don’t you wait in the family room, and I’ll let Owens know you’re here.”

  With a last curious glance at their hands, Judy left, and they walked into the family room. It was blissfully empty. Connor found a spot on a comfy reading chair. Without hesitation, Josh crawled onto his lap, resting his head against Connor’s shoulder.

  “Josh, I know you need my physical presence, and I love holding you like this, but do we need to be worried about what people here will think and say? It’s Noah’s place of work, and I don’t want things to get awkward for him.”

  Josh closed his eyes, leaned in even farther and snuggled up against Connor. “I don’t give a shit, and neither would Noah. We don’t explain ourselves to others, you know.”

  It was an approach that was foreign to Connor. In the Marines, he’d done everything he could to keep his sexual orientation a secret. He’d never said anything, not even to Lucas, had not even approached those who were known or rumored to be gay. Fuck, he’d hooked up with a few fellow Marines, but even with them, he’d never talked. Lucas must’ve known, but they had never discussed it. Connor had kept his head low, hadn’t wanted to make waves.