“I thought maybe we could go over to Indy’s jiujitsu studio, find out if his professor has seen him. Indy was supposed to train yesterday, and he never misses, so maybe he went, and the guy knows something,” Josh said after breakfast. Aaron had gone upstairs to shower, so it was just him and Connor.
“Sounds good. What about Aaron?”
“He’ll have to come with us because I don’t want to leave him here by himself.”
Connor looked at Josh inquisitively. “You don’t trust him? He’s your brother.”
Josh grimaced. “Yeah, my brother who has made my life hell ever since I came out. No, I don’t trust him.”
“Okay. We’ll take him with us, but we won’t explain anything. He can’t know about Indy, agreed?”
“He can’t stay long. If Indy scouts the place because he wants to come back and sees a strange face, he’s gone,” Josh stressed.
“We’ll figure something out.”
* * *
As a Bostonian, Indy was genetically programmed to hate New York City. The truth was that he appreciated certain aspects of the city. The Yankees sucked, obviously, and New Yorkers had to be the rudest people on the planet. But Central Park was lovely in the summer, the shopping was unparalleled, and he loved the weirdness of this city. Right now, more than anything, he appreciated the busyness, the hustle and bustle, which assured no one was paying attention to a slim, young woman.
Fuck, he hardly recognized himself. He’d gone for a complete makeover. Colored contacts had transformed his brown eyes into pale blue ones that were forgettable, and a wig with straight, blond hair covered his curls. He’d put on some makeup, but not so much it would stand out, and wore the most nondescriptive jeans, top, and shoes ever. He wasn’t attractive enough to pay attention to, but also not so odd or flashy people would notice him for different reasons. He completely blended in.
He’d driven to Newark Station, had parked his car there and caught the Jersey Transit to Manhattan. Easy peasy since it brought him straight to Penn Station. He looked around casually as he disembarked the train. No one seemed to pay attention to him, and no one stood out to him.
It was decent weather, considering it was mid-December. It was chilly, but not freezing cold. That could change quickly. Being from Boston, he knew what winter could look like here in the northeast. One nor’easter and you’d be paying good money to move south.
He’d already searched online to find the Starbucks and walked straight to it. He glanced around when he entered. There were about half a dozen people in line, professionals judging by the suits and office outfits, and he took his spot. Most of the tables inside were occupied, which was not uncommon this time of day. Everyone seemed to be hunched over a laptop or was texting.
“Good morning, welcome to Starbucks. Can I take your order?”
He gave the forty-something barista a quick once-over. He was a gorgeous lumberjack type if that was your thing, with a carefully trimmed beard. Indy’s eyes went to his name tag. Jack. Well, that made it easy. “A tall latte macchiato please.”
“Absolutely. What’s the name?”
“Rose.”
“All right. Four-sixty, please.”
He gave him a five-dollar bill, and Jack handed back his change with a large, yellow envelope. The barista barely looked at him as if it was the most normal thing in the world he was doing. Indy took the envelope, stuffed it straight into his backpack.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Sure thing, Rose. Your coffee will be a minute.”
It was tempting to walk out since he had no intention of drinking the damn coffee, but he didn’t. That would arouse suspicion, and everything had to look normal. He never looked back at Jack while he waited for his order to be called out. Two minutes later, he was back outside. He held on to his coffee until he was four blocks away and certain no one was watching him. Only then did he dump it in a trashcan.
He circled back to Penn Station, then took the train again to Jersey. As soon as he had returned to his motel, he opened the package. An Ohio driver’s license in the name of Laura Downey tumbled out. It was the same picture as he’d used for his Indiana Baldwin one, with his curls and the blue contacts, wearing tasteful makeup. He’d debated using a complete disguise—much like he was wearing now—but it was too cumbersome to keep up. Wigs could sag, be too obvious. Plus, it was hard to keep that disguise up all the time. This way he had more flexibility, could disguise when he wanted to but still use the license. In the unlikely event a cop pulled him over, he could say he liked wearing wigs.
There was also a high school diploma from Neil Alden Armstrong High School in Columbus, Ohio. A quick Google search taught him Neil Armstrong was from Ohio. That made sense, then.
Laura Downey.
He rolled the name on his tongue. It was boring, nondescriptive. Exactly what he needed. He’d be sad to leave Indy behind, though. He picked that name himself. Indiana after Indiana Jones, obviously. Indy had been secretly fascinated with the man who was smart, inventive, and sexy all in one.
At first, he’d chosen MacGyver as his last name, after another hero of his. The show had been from way before his time, but he’d watched every episode. It was cheesy, but he loved it. Had learned tons, too. But he’d decided the combination of two well-known names would stand out too much, so he’d picked a last name by pointing a finger at a list of names in an ad for a legal firm. Baldwin, it was.
He studied the driver’s license from every side. He didn’t know what Ohio licenses looked like, but like his previous Georgia one, it appeared legit. Now all he had to do was sell his car, buy a new one, and register it to Laura Downey. He’d have to decide where to go first as he’d need to register it in the state he would be staying in.
Indy laid down on the bed, flat on his back. Was he really gonna walk away from Noah, from Josh, from all of it? Could he?
Sooner or later, you’ll have to. You know this can’t last. Sure, Noah will miss you at first, but it will be better for him in the long run. Kinder. You have nothing to offer him. A relationship with a guy who’s on the run, who you can never publicly claim, what kind of future is that for him? Plus, your very presence endangers Noah and Josh, even Connor.
A man like Noah deserved more. Better. If he broke it off now, Noah would be okay after a spell. The longer he waited, the harder it would get. But the thought of leaving Noah, of never seeing him and Josh again… Indy’s throat tightened, and swallowing was painful. These three days without him had been hell. Indy hadn’t realized how much he’d come to depend on Noah’s strength, his care. Between him and Josh, Indy had felt loved and taken care of. That first night at the motel, he hadn’t even been able to fall asleep in the empty bed, used as he’d gotten to sleeping between the two men.
He hadn’t thought it was possible in such a short time to get that attached to someone, but his aching heart was proof. God, he loved him so fucking much. He missed him with a physical pain he’d never experienced before. And Josh. He missed being part of their unit, a family.
Hell, he even missed Connor. The man had such a stabilizing effect on Josh, much like Noah, only deeper somehow. Those two were a perfect match if he’d ever seen one. If only he knew for certain he could trust the cop. That would at least eliminate one obstacle.
There was no way he was contacting the DA. If they were monitoring Merrick, he’d be dead. You could change a lot of things, but changing a voice was hard. He could fake an accent, but the chances of someone recognizing his voice were too high. No, he’d have to find another way. Maybe Connor could contact Merrick. As long as he didn’t mention Stephan, that would not raise suspicion, right? He could ask the DA to vouch for him, maybe spin a story about a job or something.
How would he get a message to Connor? He couldn’t call him, not directly. If the cop was crooked—though Indy doubted it after what he’d seen from him—he’d sign his death warrant. And if he wasn’t, Indy wasn’t ready for the questions, the accusations
even. They had to be pissed he’d taken off.
No, they won’t be.
The thought popped into his head, crystal clear. Josh wouldn’t be mad at him. He’d understand. He’d know it had gotten to be too much. Hell, no one knew better about overloads of stress than Josh. Josh wouldn’t get angry. He would plead with Indy to come home. As a matter of fact, he was probably already looking for him, though low-key. Where would he look?
The answer was clear, easy. Professor Kent. There was no way Josh would not look for him there. All he had to do was get a message to Connor through Kent. The only thing Indy wasn’t sure of was how long it would take Josh to get there. Noah’s surgery and everything that had happened could’ve affected Josh's PTSD. For all Indy knew, Josh could be out of order. Still, his gut said Connor wouldn’t let that happen, that he would find a way to keep Josh safe and healthy. No matter the doubts surrounding Connor, the man’s love for Josh was hard to miss.
Like Noah’s love for him.
Sometimes Noah looked at him with so much love, it took his breath away. He still couldn’t comprehend what had happened, how it was possible that this wonderful man had fallen in love with him. But he had. Noah loved him.
It wasn’t always easy for Indy to remember that, especially when his fight or flight took over, like in the car. Or when he was hurting, like after Noah had lashed out at him. When he was that stressed or emotional, he wasn’t capable of reminding himself Noah loved him. It was like he’d short-circuit, somehow.
But afterwards, he knew. Noah had apologized profusely, and Indy had seen his sincerity. He’d forgiven him without hesitation. That’s what you did when you loved someone. Because he loved Noah, too. There wasn’t a sliver of doubt anymore. What he felt for Noah was so big, so deep, that he couldn’t deny it. Surely Noah had to know how much Indy loved him, too.
Did he? Would he, after the way he left him?
His heart cramped in sudden distress. What if Noah thought he’d left him for another reason? What if Noah thought he was at fault because of his temper, or their row over the sex and everything else?
No, no, no. Oh, God, would he blame himself?
He’d see every reason to. Noah didn’t know why Indy had run. He couldn’t do this to him. Not right now, not while he was recuperating from that infection. He had to go. He had to see with his own eyes that Noah was okay, and he damn well had to make sure Noah knew he loved him. Even if he had no other choice but to leave him, he couldn’t do it like this. Not without saying goodbye. Noah deserved at least that much.
Indy left his old identity papers in the motel, hidden behind an air vent. If he got arrested, he didn't want to get caught with two sets of papers.
He shouldn’t take his own car. If he'd been made, somehow, he’d be too easy to spot. No, he needed to rent a car, using his new ID. That wouldn’t trigger any alarms.
He drove to Newark airport, parked his car in a long-term parking lot close to the airport and took the provided shuttle bus to the terminals. Half an hour later, he drove out with a silver Honda Civic—the most boring car ever.
He didn’t even try to find out about visiting hours and shit. If there was one thing he had learned in the last year, it was that people didn’t question who you were and what you were doing as long as you looked like you knew where you were going. If you looked legit, went about your way with confidence, nobody batted an eye. Indy had called ahead to the hospital to find out Noah’s floor and room number and walked straight in.
Noah was in a private room, his face turned toward a big window where pastel yellow curtains had been opened. Indy swallowed back the nasty taste in his mouth hospital smells always brought.
“Noah,” he said softly.
Noah’s head whipped around. To his credit, he recognized Indy instantly under the disguise. “Indy…”
The joy in his voice brought tears to Indy’s eyes. Tears that he pushed back hard as he closed the distance to the bed. His eyes fell on the covers, a flat area where Noah’s stump used to be. God, what had happened? Had he lost his entire leg? “How are you?”
Noah smiled. “Much better now you’re here.” His face turned serious, anxious even. “What happened? Why did you take off? Is everything okay? Fuck, I was worried sick about you.”
Indy pulled a folding chair close to Noah’s bed, not wanting to perch down on the bed in case a staff member would walk in and find them. How the fuck would Noah explain that one? As soon as he sat, Noah reached for his hands. His fingertips trailed the soft pink nail polish on Indy’s manicured hands.
Indy bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t mean to worry you. I needed time to figure things out.”
Noah’s hand enclosed his in a firm grip. “What things? What had you spooked, was it Connor?”
“I’m almost positive his story will check out, but I’ve sent a message through Professor Kent to send me proof,” Indy said.
“Smart. But if that’s not what you were worried about, why did you run?”
Noah’s face didn’t show mere worry. Indy had been right. Noah was blaming himself, for whatever reason.
“I can’t do this,” Indy blurted out. “I can’t love you more every day, knowing it can’t last.”
“What do you mean, it can’t last? Indy, I love you. You know that. I’m not going anywhere.”
And how amazing was that? Here he sat, two days after he’d run off on a whim, dressed like a woman, and the man still told him he loved him and wanted to be with him.
“I’ll have to leave at some point. It’s one thing to fear for my own life, but I can’t risk you and Josh. If Duncan ever finds me, he will not hesitate to hurt the both of you to get to me. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”
“Damn it, don’t you think I know that? I’ve known ever since I found out who you were. And I still wanted you to stay, and so did Josh. We know the risks, but we choose you anyway. I choose you. I want you. I love you too much to let you go.”
“I’m sick with worry half the time that Duncan will find me and will hurt you… What kind of life is that?”
Noah’s hand clamped his in an iron grip. “Are you sure that’s the only reason you want to leave?”
Indy frowned. What other reason could he have? Noah was everything he’d ever dared hope to find in a man. If not for that stupid fuck Duncan, he’d be permanently glued to Noah’s side. Well, as long as the man wanted him.
“Of course it is.”
“This has nothing to do with my surgery?”
At first, Indy didn’t even understand what Noah was asking. What surgery? His confusion must have shown because Noah added, “They had to amputate higher, cut out the infection. I’ll recover, but I’m missing an entire leg now. It’ll be a huge adjustment, you know, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to get back to my job.”
When the realization hit, Indy blew up. “Who the fuck do you think I am if you think I would leave you over that? I love you, Noah. I don’t give a shit about your leg other than I’m fucking sorry for you. And whether or not you go back to working as a PA, as long as you’re doing something that brings you joy, I’m good with it. I’m not with you because of your paycheck, even if you do support the three of us. I don’t want you for your money. I want you for you.”
He hadn’t realized how deeply he meant it until he saw the impact his words had on Noah. It was hard to comprehend, but the man had worried Indy would reject him over his leg as much as Indy had worried about Noah rejecting him because of his background, his scars, or his female disguise. Fuck, they were perfect together, weren’t they?
Noah released the death grip on Indy’s hand, brought it to his mouth instead and kissed it. “Please, Indy, don’t give up on us yet. We’ll take it one day at a time, okay? For now, let Connor get his proof from the DA so you can let that part go, and we’ll figure it out from there. Together.”
His eyes burned into Indy’s, and how could he say no to that? How could he let go of the one man who lo
ved him for who he was, with all his hang-ups and luggage and scars, emotional and physical?
He nodded, let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Okay.”
“Don’t go home yet, okay? Josh's brother showed up unexpectedly, and he’s staying at the house. They’re trying to find him a different place to stay, but it will take a few days. Do you have a place to stay? Are you good on cash?”
Indy hesitated. After his passionate speech of a minute ago, how stupid would it be to ask Noah for money now? Still, after buying a new car and the new disguise, he was low on reserves. He’d have to get a job at some point, as Laura. He’d have to work hard and be careful to pull it off, but fuck, he needed the money. Houdini had provided him with a nice new social security number and credit history that would stand up to a standard background check, so he should be okay.
“There’s a couple of prepaid Visa cards in the top drawer of the night table. I asked Josh to drop off a few in case you came and needed money. Please, Indy, take them. Let me take care of you as much as I can. I feel so fucking helpless already.”
Again, Indy nodded, too emotional to say anything. Fuck, he was so tired of it all. Tired of running, of hiding, of pretending. How he wanted to rip off that stupid wig, take out those contacts and wipe off the makeup—and crawl into bed with Noah. He longed to feel that big body close to his, to feel those strong arms come around him. Instead, he leaned in for a quick kiss that burned its way straight into his gut.
Noah held his head when he pulled back. “I’ll be home in a few days, and I want you there, Indy. I need you there. Promise me you’ll come back.”
Indy gave up. How could he stay away now? “I promise.”
Just then, Noah’s cell phone rang. He grabbed it from the night table, scowling when he saw the number.
He muttered a curse, then answered the call. “What do you want?”.
His eyes narrowed at whatever the person on the other end was saying, and then he let out a colorful tirade of curses. What the fuck was going on? Was something wrong with Josh?
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 45