“My mom left him once, took us with her. He found her, of course, and beat the shit out of her. We tried to step in, me and Burke. Man, we fought him as best as we could, but he was big and mean. Brad, he wanted to help, too, but I locked him and Benjamin in our room, told him to stay out of it. He may have gotten a smack to his head once or twice, but it wasn’t as bad as it was for me or Burke.”
Aaron had listened quietly this whole time, but the sadder Blake got, the more restless he became. Finally, he got up and squeezed himself on Blake’s lap. Blake’s arms came around him with a sigh of contentment. He clearly appreciated the comfort Aaron brought.
“My mom died of a heart attack a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday. We had no other family, so after much deliberating with family services, the judge granted me custody of Burke and Brad, with the provision that there was a supervising guardian from child protective services as well. Benjamin was placed with a foster family because of his special needs, and they ended up adopting him.”
Miles couldn’t believe what these brothers had endured. “How did Brad react to your mom’s death?” he asked.
Blake shook his head. “I fucked up there. Burke started acting out, so I focused on keeping him straight. Brad did what he’d done for years: make himself invisible. He took care of all of us: cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, you name it. And I was grateful, because I was working two jobs and trying to keep Burke in school. I was actually glad Brad was so helpful, did so well in school. He’s fucking brilliant in math, did you know?”
“Is he?” Miles asked, surprised.
“Yeah, off the charts brilliant. He could have gone to some expensive university, even had a partial scholarship, but he refused, went to a state school instead. I mean, he still got a degree, but he could have done so much more, except…”
Blake hesitated, and Miles and Charlie looked at each other.
“Except he didn’t think he was worth it,” Charlie said softly, voicing Miles’ thoughts exactly. “I, for one, am grateful he became a math teacher, because otherwise I would have never met him.”
“I know, love, and I’m glad he has you as a friend,” Blake said. “But you have to understand: he’s my regret. They say everyone has one big regret in life. Well, he’s mine. I fucked up with him, allowed him to stay invisible. I never saw him until it was too late, and now he’s all messed up because of it.”
Miles leaned back in his chair, ordering the information in his head. The dots connected, and suddenly it clicked. It was so crystal clear that he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before. The sarcasm, the self-defense, his need to please, his disrespectful behavior, the psychological erectile dysfunction, the interest in discipline—it all made sense.
There was a giant void in Brad’s life, a void that had never been filled. The question was whether Miles was willing and able to fulfill the role Brad needed.
Craved.
My God, Brad craved it, desperately. Everything had been there, but Miles simply hadn’t seen it because he’d never thought to ask about Brad’s parents. He’d never known the shit his man had been through—shit that had robbed him of his sense of worth, his sense of security, and his sense of being lovable.
He squeezed Charlie’s hand gently, looked at him. “Charlie, my love, are you up for a little road trip? We need to get Brad back, and it cannot wait till tomorrow.”
Charlie hesitated. “I can’t.”
Miles’ heart sank. “Why?” he asked, making sure his voice was kind.
Charlie’s hands clenched into fists, and his shoulders hunched. “Brad’s house, it’s the first place Zack will look for me.”
Miles had known Charlie was afraid of his ex, but he hadn’t fully realized to what degree until he saw the pure terror in his eyes just now. He cursed himself for allowing Charlie to cultivate his fear this long. They should have helped him sooner, encouraged him to get out of the house.
“You don’t think I’d ever let anything happen to you, do you?” he asked softly.
Charlie still refused to look at him, instead kept focusing on his hands. “You don’t know what he’s capable of. He’s… He’s not like all of you. He has no honor, no moral compass like you all do. I’m scared for Brad, even now. If Zack is waiting for him when he gets home… He hated Brad. Truly, deeply hates him.”
“Brad can take care of himself,” Blake said in a placating tone.
Charlie’s head snapped up, his eyes spewing fire. “No, he can’t dammit. You always say that, but it’s not true. He can’t take care of himself. If he encounters Zack, he’ll open his sarcastic little mouth, antagonize him, and get the shit kicked out of him. And if he doesn’t… He’s by himself right now, convinced that nobody loves him and nobody wants him. How the hell will he survive this? He can’t take care of himself, Blake. He needs us, Miles and me. He needs us to take care of him.”
If ever there had been any doubt as to the depth of Charlie’s feelings, it was all gone now. This spunky pistol was head-over-heels for Brad, and it warmed Miles’ heart. “So come with me, Charlie,” he said. “Help me show him that we’re here for him, that we do want him.”
Charlie’s eye showed his internal battle. “I wish I—”
“We all need to go,” Noah interrupted him, the first time he had spoken since they’d walked into the kitchen. “If he feels like we are not his friends, like he’s not truly wanted and welcome here, we should all go. And nothing will happen when you’re with us, Charlie. Your ex may be a mean asshole, but he won’t be stupid enough to try anything with all of us there.”
Miles’ heart filled even more. He thanked whatever deity would listen for the day he met Indy, because that encounter had led him right here, to this amazing group of…family. That’s what they felt like, family.
Charlie’s face lost some of the tension. “Okay,” he said finally, squaring his shoulders. “But somebody better bring a gun, just in case.”
Miles grinned inwardly. Charlie was such a bossy little shit at times, and he loved it. Connor’s eyes gleamed, but he kept his face neutral otherwise. “I always carry, kid,” he said.
“So do I,” Josh said calmly. “And I don’t miss.”
Somehow, that statement removed the last bit of tension from Charlie. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Let’s do this, then. Let’s bring Brad home.”
14
Charlie’s heart beat fast and his hands were clammy as he sat in the back seat of Noah’s car. It wasn’t even Zack he was afraid of—though it was certainly on his mind. He hadn’t fully realized how scared he was and how safe he’d felt holed up in Indy’s house until Miles had asked him to leave that cocoon. Fuck, he was pathetic. If he continued like this, he’d end up an agoraphobic hermit. Still, that was not what had him so nervous right now. No, his mind was on Brad.
What if Brad hadn’t gone home? What if he’d left in search of someone who would fuck him, make him forget? It’s what he did when his demons got the better of him. Charlie knew, he’d known for years, but he’d never understood. God, he’d failed Brad in their friendship. All these years, and he’d never known how deep his sense of rejection was. What if it was too late now?
He’d never heard Brad yell, ever. He could be snarky and fire off deadly verbal attacks, but he’d never broken down like that. He’d been a time bomb waiting to go off, but Charlie had never had the guts to confront Brad. Not like Miles, who’d simply refused to budge. The man was simply not deterred by Brad’s defenses, seemed to be able to take hit after hit. In that sense, he was perfect for Brad.
Charlie’s breath caught as his own thoughts registered. In a way, he was thinking the same thing Brad had voiced. He’d expressed his conviction that Charlie and Miles were good for each other, and now Charlie was doing the same for Brad and Miles.
It was hard to find his place in their threesome, to discover how they fit together. They did, that Charlie was convinced of. Brad needed him as much as he needed Miles, hell, they all needed each
other, even if they all hadn’t figured out what piece of the puzzle they were.
“We’re here,” Noah said. He parked the car behind Brad’s car next to his duplex. Charlie let out a sigh of relief when he spotted the car. Thank fuck Brad had gone home. He wanted to get out, but Miles held him back. “Let Connor go first, check to make sure Zack isn’t here.”
Charlie nodded, relieved to see these men taking care of him. Connor got out, hand on what Charlie presumed was his gun, and looked around methodically. Josh did the same, and it was interesting to see the usually shy man be hyper alert. Charlie waited till they signaled for them to come out.
“How do we do this?” Indy asked when they’d all gotten out.
Noah and Miles looked at each other, then at Blake. “He’s your brother,” Noah said.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure I’m the best person to talk to him right now.”
“I think you should talk, Noah,” Miles said. “He’s pissed at me, maybe at Blake, too, and you’re a neutral party here. You could tell him he’s wanted in your house.”
Noah nodded. “I can do that.”
Charlie took a deep breath. “No. I’ll do it.”
All heads turned to him. “Charlie, love, he’ll rip you to shreds,” Miles said, his voice sad.
“No, he won’t. He never has. I’ve always been the only one he trusts, and he’s never hurt me. He loves me, even if he’s too damn scared to admit it.” He straightened his shoulders.
“We’ll back you up,” Noah said with a smile.
It was a strange procession that made its way to Brad’s house. Grim faces, a ripple of determination making its way through the group. They wouldn’t leave without Brad. He belonged with them. Charlie praised himself lucky for finding these men.
Charlie didn’t pause when he reached Brad’s door, simply knocked. Not a sound was coming from inside, but Brad was home, Charlie was sure. Not only had he spotted his car, but moreover, he felt him. Somewhere inside was Brad, and he needed him, needed them.
“He’s not opening the door,” Noah said.
Charlie smiled, his first smile that night. “Good thing I have a key.”
He opened the door without qualms, not giving a shit about Brad’s privacy. “Brad, we’re coming in so if you’re naked, put some clothes on.”
A sound traveled from Brad’s bedroom. Charlie stepped inside, and everyone made their way inside Brad’s house, which was suddenly crowded with so many people.
“We’ll wait here,” Noah decided, and the others nodded.
Charlie looked at Miles, who hesitated. “Do you think I should come?” he asked Charlie. It was the first time Charlie had seen him insecure, and it was disconcerting. Maybe Miles hadn’t figured out how they fit together, either.
“Yes. We’re in this together. I’ll talk to him, but I need you there.”
Miles took his hand as they walked into Brad’s bedroom. Brad was on his bed, hiding his face in Max’s fur, his body tense.
“Brad…” Charlie said, his voice suddenly emotional. What if he couldn’t get through to him? What if he said the wrong thing, and fucked it all up?
“Why are you here?”
He was talking, that was good. And it wasn’t downright hostile. He’d sounded more surprised than angry. “Because we’re not complete without you. We miss you when you’re not there.”
Miles squeezed his hand, shot him an encouraging look.
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Tough luck, because I’m here, and I’m not leaving without you. We need you, Brad, and you need us.”
“We?”
“You didn’t think I came here by myself, did you?”
Slowly, Brad’s head turned toward them. His eyes were all red and blotchy, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Brad flinched when he spotted Miles.
“Why did you bring him?”
Nope, Brad wasn’t truly angry. He was trying to be but couldn’t pull it off. “Miles is here for the same reason I am, because he cares about you, and wants you back where you belong. With us.”
Brad closed his eyes, the sadness on his face so heartbreaking it took Charlie’s breath away. “I don’t belong with you, babe. Or with Miles. Or with any of them. They’re all good men, and I’m… You’re too good for me, Charlie, too sweet and kind. You have so much joy, and I don’t want to diminish your light. And Miles, he’s perfect, and he’ll give you the life you deserve.”
God, how had he missed this all these years? How had he not seen how Brad suffered? “You’re wrong on all accounts, sweetie. I love you. You know that, I always have for as much as you’ve let me.”
Brad’s eyes flew open. “How can you love me? I don’t understand. How can you love someone who is so fucked-up, and broken, and so damn needy all the time?”
Charlie put his hands on his hips. Time for some tough love. “Open your fucking eyes, Brad. You’re so caught up in your own shit, that you don’t see everyone around you is just as broken and fucked-up, only in a different way.”
“What do you mean?”
“God, look at our friends. Do they, I dunno, seem normal to you? Have you realized the company you’re in?”
Brad still looked at him as if he was an alien. How could he be so fucking blind? “Guys, little help here?” Charlie called out.
One by one, they stepped into Brad’s bedroom, filling the entire space. Brad’s face was pure shock.
“What the fuck?” he gasped, before scrambling up into a sitting position. “What the hell are you all doing here?”
His face was crimson red with embarrassment, and Charlie almost took pity on him. Almost. “Anyone here want to show Brad he’s not the only fucked-up person in the room?” Charlie asked.
Chuckling reverberated through the room.
“I’ll go first,” Aaron said, surprising not just Charlie. He stepped forward, raised his chin. “I grew up with parents who only loved me as long as I adhered to their standard of perfection. I’ve never felt loved, never felt accepted for who I was, never felt safe and secure. I may be an adult, but I often regress to childlike behavior and neediness—the puppy behavior you’ve witnessed. I physically and emotionally need Blake to take care of me, the way my parents never have.”
Charlie had met Aaron multiple times, and always thought he was a good guy, if a bit weird, but this explained a lot. It took balls to admit this, especially to his brother in law.
“My mom sold me to a known mobster when I was fourteen to pay off a debt. I was his whore for years, before he gave me to another man to settle a debt. That guy raped me before I killed him. My ex found me, and beat me up with the help of others.”
Indy’s voice was quiet, with little trembles betraying the depth of his emotion. He turned his back toward Brad, lifted his shirt. Charlie couldn’t hold the small gasp in when he saw Indy’s scarred back. He’d never seen anything like it, his whole skin one maze of scars.
“They poured acid over my back. I ran and I hid, until I met Noah and Josh, and Connor. I never knew what love was, what it felt like, until I met them. They taught me what love is, what family is.”
He turned back around, dropped his shirt. Noah pulled him close, as Josh reached out to hold his hand.
“I have PTSD, caused by a sexual assault when I was in the army.” Josh's voice was barely audible, yet it floated through the room straight into everyone’s heart. He was witnessing something special, Charlie realized. “Three of my fellow soldiers raped me, and shortly after I watched my best friend get blown up. I spent two weeks on a closed ward, and I’ve been treated for depression, anxiety attacks, nightmares, and other shit ever since.” He lifted his chin. “I need regular Dom/sub sessions with Connor to keep my mind clear. He spanks the stress right out of me. Without Connor’s love, Indy’s heart, and Noah’s friendship I wouldn’t be here today.”
“I’m so fucking proud of you, Josh,” Indy said, stepping in and hugging Josh tight. Connor kissed hi
s head at the same time, showing the beautiful dynamic between these men. Charlie couldn’t figure out what Indy and Josh were to each other, but it was clear they were more than mere friends.
It was quiet for a few seconds. “I’ve never told this to anyone else, but Josh, Indy, and Noah,” Connor said. He cleared his voice. “I was a Marine Sergeant, leading a mission I knew was doomed to fail, when I was captured by the Taliban, with my best friend, Lucas. We were…” He swallowed, and Josh hugged him tight. “They tortured us. Waterboarding. Lucas didn’t make it. I got out, but I was a robot. It’s still hard for me to talk, to feel. Josh…he cracked my defenses. His love, it’s healing me. That, and my family.”
Noah’s head whipped around. “Your family?” His tone was sharp.
“Yeah, me and Josh and Indy and you. We’re family.”
Noah’s face broke open in a smile that lit up the entire room. Holy fuck, the guy had a smile that could power a small city. Charlie felt the effects in his entire body and he wasn’t the only one. “Damn, O’Connor, you say the sweetest things.”
“Fuck you, Flint.”
“Not with that monster you have, but thanks for offering,” Noah quipped, breaking the tension in the room.
Indy and Josh laughed, while others grinned. Charlie had heard rumors about Connor’s cock, which apparently was somewhat oversized.
“Brad, don’t you see? Everyone here is fucked-up, whether it’s emotionally, physically, or sexually. There is no normal. That’s something that only exists in your head. You’ve blown your own hang ups so out of proportion that you’ve lost sight of the reality.”
Miles sat down on the bed as he spoke, tugging Charlie on his hand to join him.
Brad’s eyes were big as he looked at them. “But what about you two? You’re both perfect,” he whispered, his voice filled with pain.
“Oh, sweetie, we’re not. Not even close.” Charlie swallowed. Should he tell him? How could he not, after what the others had shared? “I let Zack fuck me every time he wanted to, since I was fifteen… I knew he had a girlfriend, knew he was using me, and still I let him, because his attention was the only love I’d ever known. He used me, and I let him, and he abused me, and still I stayed. If that’s not seriously fucked-up, I don’t know what is.”
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 98