Anaar was not prepared for the spike in his own popularity just by being Phavian’s boyfriend. Random students would come up to him to ask how it felt to be treasured by such an amazing man. Though he still felt uncomfortable allowing Phavian to take the fall for him. He could not deny how glad he was he was not the center of the attention. Finding he need a break from everything, he opened a portal home so he could surprise his mother with a warm meal when she arrived home from work.
9
In the subsequent days following Anaar’s outburst, the two factions on campus had begun to equalize. Whereas before, Phavian had people admiring him from afar and peeking from the shadows, he now had others actively accosting him. He had expected some backlash, but after the initially positive response, he hoped to have escaped it.
He had begun doing his best to avoid large groups of people, something that was foreign to him since he relished the worship others showered upon him. He found himself eating on the executive floor of the Cafeteria, simply so he could eat in peace without feeling the stares at his back. Never had there been a time in his Sophangence career had he felt so alone.
When he was a Freshman, his outburst was minor enough in scale that it was almost isolated to his room. When the news spread, he was just a good-looking Freshman. His name had not become known as it was now at the beginning of his Senior year. It was mostly dismissed as yet another Freshman losing control, something that was uncommon, but frequent enough to no longer cause alarm.
“Look out everyone! It is the walking blizzard! Better not get too close unless you want to end up in the hospital like the others or worse!”
Phavian looked to see Josh Trammell, a fellow senior like him but someone who was never on his radar. If Phavian remembered correctly, Josh was always somewhere near the middle of the pack in the rankings, but he had never experienced direct antagonism from him. When he thought about it more carefully, he had never received that from anyone, but what he did know was that he did not like it.
Josh’s jeers continued, leaving Phavian in an agonizing dilemma. He had never needed to assert his dominance outside of the Melee, there was always nothing but universal respect shown to him. It was not as if he had never experienced taunts or ridicule at any point in his life, but one comes to grow accustomed to being devoid of it. Everything inside wanted to make an example of Josh, giving him a taste of exactly what he was accusing Phavian of. If the others were caught up in it, they only had themselves to blame for being involved with such an instigator.
A deep pang wrenched Phavian’s gut as he listened to the laughs and contemplated how he would punish the people who dared make fun of him. Even if he wanted to bring to bear the very thing he was being berated for, he knew it was impossible. He could no doubt do more than enough to teach them a lesson, but knowing that next to Anaar he may as well be impotent, cut him impossibly deep.
Years of hard work, years of acknowledgement of his talent, all of it was wiped away with the blink of an eye. To think Anaar was capable of so much purely by accident when he had never expected to reach such heights even at his peak hurt his pride as a man. He had already been silently struggling for some time now with the fact he would never be Anaar’s equal. He could not wipe cities off the map. He could not revive from the dead. He could not even heal himself, let alone other people.
Phavian began to sink deeper and deeper into the all too familiar pit. Though it was meager, his one glimmer of salvation had always been that Anaar’s abilities were what set them apart. He could not help he was born with a normal set of abilities. If he had as many abilities at his disposal as Anaar did, he would be just as great. Now there was no choice but to accept that he now had hard evidence contrary to that belief.
Anaar had shattered Phavian’s defense mechanism by proving that anything he could do, he in turn could do infinitely better by pure instinct. Nothing could have prepared him for the pain of being placed on equal footing, only to be defeated so thoroughly. Haunting memories of the School Rankings flooded his mind, reminding him he had been living a lie for a long time now.
It was consuming every drop of strength he could muster to keep his emotions in check. He wanted to lash out in anger, give a display of power to reassert his dominance, and break down in tears all at once. The best option he had available was to remove himself from the scene, recollecting himself so he could fight on another day. Without a word he walked away at a clip, the mocking and taunts from Josh still being rapidly fired in his direction.
“Who knew the walking bomb he calls a boyfriend was the safe one?! The whole time we have been worried about him, when in reality all Phavian needed was one night of mommy not reading him a bedtime story and he loses his shit! Someone pump him full of caffeine! We don’t need him falling asleep!”
Phavian was finally out of earshot when he noticed his hand was moist and had shooting pains going through it. He realized he had been clenching his fist so tightly that his fingernails had dug deep into his palms, leaving gashes and drawing blood. Nothing made him happier than being done with classes for the day, which allowed him to retreat from all the mayhem. As he opened the door he is greeted with a sigh of disgust.
“Why haven’t you made up yet?! I’m so sick of you being here! Two days is my limit with you! I’m so fucking sick of my shower looking like a growing station for pubes…”
Though Codi clearly intended it to be barbed, Phavian found her rant to be soothing music to his ears. He could not bear to face Anaar with everything that had occurred. This annoyed Codi tremendously, but she was nothing if not a supportive friend, so she allowed him to stay with her. Phavian felt bad that he was extremely evasive in the face of her inquiries, but he knew the only way he could tell her the truth was to explain everything about Anaar. The burden of Anaar’s secrets grew heavier every day.
“Still not going to tell me how you destroy half a building, yet you are mad at him?”
“I told you, it’s complicated.”
“You guys get into a fight, you go apeshit, and now you are homeless, ruining my fucking day…”
“I don’t want to talk about it Codi.”
“Well will you finally tell me when you became so badass? You were barely able to get a single droplet of water to those temperatures and it practically gave you an aneurysm. Now you are pulling off epic stunts that put fantasy movies to shame?! You seriously have to tell me your training secret. Do you know the things I could do if I powered up like that?!”
“It isn’t a big deal Codi. Please drop it.”
“Drop it?! How am I supposed to catch up to you when it seems every time I turn around you are suddenly way stronger than I expected?! Stingy bastard.”
Phavian found himself unable to take anymore, the past few days causing him to reach critical mass. “How the fuck do you think I feel, huh?! Welcome to my fucking life! Glad someone else finally gets to see how that shit feels!”
Codi was hit with the feeling they might be discussing two very different topics. Phavian had never snapped in such a manner before when she was playfully serious about something. Though she did not like the idea of being chased from her own room, there was no doubt another issue weighing on Phavian that he refused to talk about. Rather than dealing with it, she felt he was stable enough to let time take its course.
“Fuck this, I can’t stand another night of your shit. I’ve only been able to bear it because you stopped snoring like a dump truck at night. I’m staying over at Pryshka’s. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Phavian watched as he pushed away the only person who was willing to put up with him during such a rough time. With Codi gone, everything seemed devoid of life. Though he knew he needed to be working on some projects for the Seeds, he did not want to deal with others. Irresponsible though it may be, he pushed it from his mind, confident that Maggie would pick up the slack. There was no doubt she would be the one to take his place when he was gone, so this could be viewed as an assessment of her readiness for
the role.
Continuing to mope around the practically sterile space in which Codi inhabited, Phavian began to grow hungry as his mind had nothing else to focus upon. Though he did not want to be bothered going out after the day he already had, he was positive he would not be able to clean back up the kitchen to Codi’s satisfaction. If she was a terror about cleanliness normally, it reached demonic levels when her food preparation space was compromised.
In the battle of his hunger and his stubbornness, it appeared his stubbornness was no match for the influence of his stomach. He made his way into the kitchenette, but merely stepping into it with the intent to sully its pristine surfaces was enough to make him turn back and instead begin making his way toward the Cafeteria. He decided it was not worth Codi kicking him out, which made the journey a bit easier for him. Scanning ahead for any sign of trouble, he received a message to his Vizer that only held a single line.
“Phavian, come home.”
He scoffed at the message, fully prepared to ignore it until a portal appeared directly in front of him. It was placed in such a perfect position, in step with his gait that he had walked through it before he realized what was happening. He found himself standing in the all too familiar cavernous master bedroom, brought face to face with the person he had been avoiding. Before he could react and dive back through the portal, it closed, leaving him stranded.
“What the fuck?! If I wanted to see you, I could have come on my own! Normally I have to beg you for a portal! Now you are kidnapping me?!”
Anaar looks at Phavian with a dry expression, slightly broken by an annoyed eyebrow twitch. “You of all people should know this could not even remotely be considered kidnapping…”
“Bullshit! How not?!”
“You literally have more clothes in my closet than I do. People could rightly question whose room this truly is.”
“Well… That is because you have more space than you could use!” Phavian crosses his arms, doing his best to appear defiant. “How in the hell did you know exactly where I was to the point you can make a portal that I accidentally walk into?! That shit is creepy!”
Shrugging, “I could easily pick you out states away now. Also, now that I can sense essentially anything alive, it is almost like I can see just as clearly without my eyes, which is obviously not limited to distance.”
“See! This is the shit I’m talking about!”
“The conversation just started… You haven’t been talking about anything…”
“Don’t do that shit! Don’t talk at me like I am some idiot!”
A low growl escapes Anaar’s throat. “Then tell me, what is the real reason you are avoiding me? You know I have no problem giving you space to calm down and think through it, but it is getting ridiculous now. How long are you going to inconvenience Codi?”
“You don’t know if I have been at her place!”
“We just established I do know that. Also, are we just going to pretend you have anyone else on campus that would let you stay with them? As popular and well liked as you are, your relationships with most people are surface level at best. I would have known where you were without any powers.”
Phavian roars in anger, “God! Why must you be like that!?”
Confused, Anaar cocks his head to the side, “Be like what?”
“Clearly better than me at everything without trying!”
“stUPiD! KiLl HIM!”
Anaar shakes his head as if trying to clear it then assumes a bored expression. “More of your inferiority complex?! Are we still talking about that? I’m over it…”
“Fuck you!”
Anaar snaps to, almost as if he had been daydreaming for a moment. He becomes painfully aware of what he had said, and realizes how sensitive Phavian is about the topic. Not sure why he said what he did, he immediately apologizes to Phavian.
“Hey, wait… I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. If I am being honest though, I do feel that way. It is just that I thought this was all past us. It seems our worst moments always stem from it.”
“Yeah! Because you are always coming up with some new fucking way to outshine everyone, even yourself, and utterly dominate any competition that could ever exist!”
“I may be coming off wrong here, but hear me out. Since this is a reoccurring theme, I will acknowledge my culpability in previous instances. Those were all a result of me hiding something, and then it being revealed in the worst possible way. I understand where I went wrong there, and I have been dedicating myself to not repeating that mistake because I know it will hurt you. This time though, I have been completely vulnerable and transparent about everything. I really don’t get how it is my fault this time around.”
Phavian was about to give a nasty retort, but just before he opened his mouth, he stopped to think for a moment. It was true that all the other times what was truly upsetting to him was the fact Anaar had been lying to him. Even the School Rankings Tournament felt like the utmost betrayal as he then lied to everyone else with the spectacle he put on.
Given the current situation, Anaar had done nothing to intentionally harm him. There were no lies, and even taking the fall for the incident was something he did of his own accord. Knowing Anaar, there was no doubt he would have found some way to make it all disappear even if he had not intervened. For some reason Phavian still could not shake the gnawing feeling he had inside.
“I’m not good enough for you.”
As the words fell from his lips, so did the tears from his eyes. He had finally said what was burning him up all along. Speaking his truth and saying the words aloud caused something to wrench his spirit, refusing to let go as if held in a vice. He wanted to say more, but the very strength was being sapped from him.
Anaar rushed to Phavian’s side, pulling him close. “Don’t talk like that! Why would you say something like that?”
Phavian rested his head against Anaar’s as he was held close. “Because it is true. I accepted that you were smarter than me and also physically superior. I was coming to terms with you being immortal and that someday you would have to let me go and I would need to be okay with that. I was even doing my best to deal with just how many powers you had which accounted for the gap in our strength. The last thing I had left feels like it has been viciously stripped from me.”
“How so?”
“If you have my powers now, I become completely useless. I thought back to times on our missions together where we were so in sync, and you know just how to utilize the synergy of our powers. I felt useful. It made me feel that I was more than dead weight dragging you down. Now that is all I can be. I’m just a much weaker, less versatile, and very killable version of you now. I bring absolutely nothing to the table. You deserve to be with someone better. Who can actually be of use to you.”
Anaar separates from Phavian and gazes deep into his eyes. “Is that all you are supposed to be to me? The ladder I use to climb to greater heights? Why is it necessary for you to be useful in that manner at all? Wouldn’t it be easier to disregard it since you have no need to worry about it?”
“That is what it means to be in a relationship!”
“What exactly? That both people must be completely equivalent in everything?”
“It means you are supposed to be able to protect your partner and bring value to their life!”
“If one person is doing the protecting, wouldn’t that mean the other is being protected?”
“Of course!”
“Then why can’t I be the one protecting you? That fits into the schema of how you see relationships working right?”
Phavian took on a troubled look, his eyes unable to meet Anaar’s. “That doesn’t work…”
“Care to explain why it doesn’t meet the standards?’
“Because… I’m supposed to be the one protecting you…”
“Okay… So… Can you not still protect me?”
“I don’t have anything to give!”
“Then why are you
so insistent on trying?!”
“You’re right. Why am I still putting in so much effort when it is all for nothing? I guess this is the end for us. Now you can be free to find someone worthy of you.”
Anaar rubs the bridge of his nose, sighing as he feels he has been through their current conversation far too many times. “Phavian, why do you think physical and combat strength is the only strength needed?”
“Look at the type of stuff we get into!”
“More like the stuff I get into, and selfishly drag others into the chaos. Have you legitimately been in any true peril before meeting me?”
“Well no, but…”
“And though you say you cannot protect me, who was the one at the forefront of this fiasco at Ivory, taking responsibility before things got out of hand?”
“But that just made sense! It was my powers that did it!”
“Exactly. You stepped in, preventing me from scrutiny, protecting my secrets. Isn’t that exactly what you feel is supposed to be done?”
“I don’t think that is enough-”
“What would be enough then? Who would be enough? Let’s be real. The only other person who could have realistically be a match for me is now dead, so that will never happen. We aren’t even going to get into the whole incest thing. Though if you are genetically identical, would it be incest? Maybe it would technically be masturbation…”
Phavian looks at Anaar with a questioning and uncomfortable look in his eyes. “Umm…”
Anaar is pulled from his thoughts abruptly. “Right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Not something to be musing about, especially not in this moment. The fact of the matter is I have an impossible bar that is set according to your standards. That means you are essentially saying I have no choice but be alone. I don’t accept that. Aren’t I the one who gets to decide who is and is not of worth in my life? Don’t I get to have the final decision on who I want to share myself with? You telling me I can’t be with you because of your own insecurities is far crueler than I ever thought imaginable for you.”
Revelations (Song of Sophangence Book 4) Page 13