by Karrie Roman
“Beloved is perfect,” Caius said when they finally parted. His bright eyes soon turned concerned as he looked at Drusus. “What is wrong?”
Was he so easily read by Caius? Perhaps it wasn’t his face that gave him away. Maybe they were starting to feel that connection his mother had often spoken about. She had told him many times that she and his father sometimes knew what the other was thinking with only a look. She had called it intimacy, which developed over their time together. Could that be happening with him and Caius?
“Segestes had more news of a trap, yet Varus refuses to listen.”
“You are worried for the return trip?” Caius wiggled back to make room for Drusus on the pallet. Drusus lay down, curling his body so his head rested on Caius’s chest.
“I am afraid, Cai. More afraid than I have ever been.”
Caius sifted his fingers through Drusus’s hair. The action so gentle and calming that Drusus was in danger of falling asleep. To keep himself awake, he told Caius of the feast, Segestes’s warning, and Varus’s foolishness.
“The man is a fool, Drusus, but you are not. Your century is well prepared, as are many of the others because of your warning. All else has been taken out of our hands, but when the time comes, Arminius may not find it so easy to defeat three of Roma’s best legions.”
“Cai, if it comes to a fight, promise me you will stay by my side.” As soon as Drusus spoke the words Caius bristled beneath him, but he would have him make the promise regardless.
“Dru, I am not an infant unable to defend myself. Marcus says I am one of the best soldiers he has seen. Please do not treat me as less than a man.”
“You misunderstand, Cai. I do not doubt your skills. You are a fine warrior, certainly better and tougher than I was at your age. I ask only for you to stay at my side so that I can concentrate. If I do not know where you are, I am afraid I will lose focus. So, you see, beloved, I am the one who is weak.”
Caius’s fingers resumed playing with his hair, and Drusus was hopeful he had appeased him. “I will promise you, then. It will be the same for me. It is perhaps best that we stay together. You must know I care for you as much as you do for me.”
Drusus had suspected as much, but it did him well to hear the words. He had done exactly what he had tried to avoid for so many years. He had fallen in love, and it promised to see his heart shattered.
“Tell me of a different life, Dru. Tell me of a life where you and I are together and we are free. A world where there is no war, no legions, and where a man is free to live with another man as husbands do with their wives. Tell me of that world, Dru.”
“You really are my beautiful dreamer, Cai.” Drusus laughed softly. “Very well, I will tell you.” Drusus shifted around so he was lying on his back. He looked up and found Caius’s warm brown eyes staring down at him. He remembered an old tutor of his teaching him of Cicero, and though he could not remember the exact wording, he recalled Cicero saying that you could read a man’s thoughts through his eyes. Caius was certainly evidence of that.
Drusus closed his eyes and let his mind wander. Finally, he shared his dreams with Caius. “We would live on a farm, Cai. A small one, only big enough to feed us and provide a small income. Our little house is built overlooking the valley where wildflowers grow, painting the green hills with every colour imaginable. We have no house slaves, because in our world there are no slaves, and we love caring for each other in every way.
“Far off in the distance, we can see the mountains. They are so tall they look as though they may touch the sun, but in the winter, we can see snow on the peaks. Everywhere we look is green, but our favourite time is when the winds come up and gently blow through the cypress trees so that we hear the rustle of the leaves. A little stream runs through our lands from high up in the hills way down to the valley. Sometimes, we are lucky enough to catch fish for dinner.”
Drusus sighed as his mind supplied a picture of this dream life. He’d give anything for it to be real. “About half way down the stream under the canopy of some cork oaks there is a swimming hole where we spend hot summer evenings, playing and splashing in the water like that day at Haltern.
“There are a few sheep wandering the slopes of the hill and a few head of cattle for meat and milk. Every morning we rise with the sun and tend to the beasts and our little vegetable garden. We work hard during the day, but we talk and laugh as we do, so much so that the days pass by swiftly. At night we sit outside and watch the stars, but in the cooler months we sit before our fire, a few cats and maybe even a dog curled at our feet or on our laps. We talk of the day just passed while we eat but then settle down to quietly read or play games until exhaustion or need of each other sends us to our bed. We make love in the candlelight before gradually falling asleep wrapped around each other.”
Drusus was quiet a moment, mesmerized by the life he’d created. How desperately did he wish it were possible? Above him, Caius sighed. Drusus opened his eyes to look at him. His eyes were soft, and Drusus thought a few more words from him may bring tears. He’d never met a man so virile and capable of fighting while also containing such a gentle dreamer’s heart before. Caius took his breath away.
“I wish our world could be like that, Dru. I’d fight the gods themselves to have that life with you,” Caius murmured. “But I would add little ones—not ours, of course. Calpurnius would live nearby with his family, and we would be uncles to his children. The amusing uncles they much prefer to their father. The ones who give them treats and teach them to wield a sword.”
Drusus reached up and cupped his hand around Caius’s neck, pulling him down to kiss his sweet lips. The kiss was gentle and loving, not a kiss meant to lead to passion.
“I wish it too, Cai.”
They stayed as they were, Caius gently playing with his hair, Drusus’s head resting on Caius’s chest for a while longer. Both made up stories of life on their farm. They laughed, doing their best not to let the anguish of a life that would never be too far into their hearts. They made loved slowly, gently, before finally falling into a deep sleep.
Chapter Eleven
“DRUSUS, WHAT’S GOING on?” Cal asked once they’d settled down for a quick meal after a morning of marching.
The depleted legions had marched westward out of their temporary base near the Weser River a day after Arminius’s news of an uprising with the Angrivarii. According to what Arminius had told Varus before he’d been sent to gather more tribesmen for the auxiliary, the uprising was only two days march to the north, but it would take them into territory the Romans had not yet conquered. Only a small rebellion, Arminius had claimed, one requiring a small detour. Drusus had endured prickles of dread along his spine from the moment they’d left camp that morning.
Following behind them was the auxiliary as well as a large wagon train including civilians: women, children—the families of soldiers—as well as slaves and other tagalongs. Clearly Varus considered this a peaceful detour rather than a march to war. He had even allowed non-combatants to travel amongst the soldiers. Their governor gave little thought to any potential risk.
“What do you mean, Cal?”
“Do not treat me a fool, brother. The officers are gone, the legions are depleted, and Varus allows us to march without proper formation.”
Cal was right, but Drusus marched his century in proper formation even though many were marching in what he would consider a haphazard way. Discipline had fled with the officers.
“I am not sure what is going on, Cal, but I do not like it. Many of the officers who believed Segestes’s warning have been sent away, and many of those left behind no longer believe a rebellion is planned after months of nothing.” Frustration tightened its fist around Drusus’s heart. He prayed to the gods that all would be well, but something told him… He knew everything was going to go wrong. Varus would pay for his arrogance and his men along with him.
“We are alert, Dru,” Cal murmured. “It is something.”
The wea
ther was overcast and cool. Drusus suspected rain would fall at any time, making conditions worse. They were heading into unfamiliar territory, there were no roads, no tracks through the woods made from previous excursions by the legions, so very soon it would become tough going.
He wanted to believe what Calpurnius said, but every tiny piece of him was screaming that something dark was coming for them.
The rains came soon after they continued marching, making camp setup that afternoon difficult. Drusus and his men were exhausted by the time the camp was erected. He was so fatigued he didn’t even make love to Caius that night—something remarkable for them after months of barely managing to restrain from touching at every opportunity. Instead, he contented himself with holding him close; enjoying the warmth of his body and the peace Caius gave him. Even so, he could not shake the feeling of foreboding.
Rain soaked the ground all through the night and still rained the next day. Much of the land they marched through was forest, filled with birch, beech, and alder trees. Their path was unsettlingly gloomy and at times so dense that, even had Varus commanded it, they could not have marched in proper formation, not even the six abreast they usually managed in denser areas. Bogs and marshes were common once they entered more open areas. The soldiers of the vanguard were either clearing trees or filling muddy holes so the wagons could pass through. The march was a slow, hard slog.
Varus rode behind the Nineteenth Legion, which was the vanguard today. Some cavalrymen from Gaul were riding ahead to scout how far the dense forest spanned. Drusus’s Eighteenth Legion was behind Varus and the Seventeenth behind them. Drusus thought the entire column must have stretched for a league or more, given how narrow their pathway was. The very terrain would be an appalling hindrance to them should the enemy decide to attack.
He kept his men marching, keeping to formation as best as they were able. He often heard Marcus at the rear of the century shouting orders to the men and threatening punishment to those who were grizzling about their situation. Drusus’s men were good fighters and hard workers, but they were already exhausted from the long summer campaign and the gruelling march over this inhospitable terrain.
Drusus was wet, irritated, and terrified when they finally made camp that night. The terrain was ideal, in Drusus’s mind, for an ambush. On flat, open land the Roman army was unbeatable with their javelins and slingshots. But there were only bogs and woods and misery here.
With a heavy heart, he did his part in setting up the camp. He had reached the point now that he wished the trap would just be sprung. Drusus was sure the ever-building fear while waiting was worse than the event itself.
The wind and rain prevented a fire so the men mostly kept to their tents once they were erected. Calpurnius and Marcus joined Caius in Drusus’s tent while they shared a meal. They were quiet as they ate, exhaustion keeping even Calpurnius from his usual high spirits. Each of them was coated in several layers of mud to their knees. Their spirits as dark as the rain clouds that had stalked them on this march.
“No drills tonight, brother?”
Drusus scoffed at Calpurnius. “Even if the weather had been favourable, Cal, I would not have called for training. It has been a hard day. The very land seems to have turned against us.”
Marcus nodded in agreement. “If a trap is sprung here, it will be hard going.”
Marcus spoke Drusus’s very thoughts. His dread had been mounting hour by hour as they marched, and now that his body was quieted from the arduous labour of marching and erecting the camp, his mind was free to wander to terrifying thoughts.
“Listen, all of you, I do not know why I believe it so well, but I am certain an attack comes. It will be brutal and hard for us to win. So, in the calm of this night I wish to say, first to you, Calpurnius, that no brother could have made me prouder. You are kind-hearted but fierce when the need arises. It has been my honour to be your centurion and your brother.”
Drusus stood and approached Calpurnius. He pulled his brother to his feet and embraced him in a rare show of affection. If they made it safely back to Vetera, Drusus would allow himself to be made fun of then for the gesture. But he did not want to risk dying without those words passing his lips.
When Cal eventually pulled away, he kissed Drusus’s cheeks before taking his seat. Drusus would have sworn he saw the hint of a tear in Cal’s eyes.
“Marcus, you have been my friend and brother for many years. I rely on you above all others. You are brave and strong, but you are also wise. When all else is long gone, I expect you to be the last one standing. Gratitude, Marcus, for everything.”
Drusus pulled Marcus into a similar hug he’d just shared with Cal. Marcus shivered in his arms, but he couldn’t be sure if he was frightening him with his words of goodbye or if he trembled because Marcus still cared for him. He wasn’t sure which to hope for.
“Gratitude, Centurion. It has been my honour,” Marcus murmured, overtaken with emotion as Calpurnius had been.
Drusus resumed his seat. He caught Cal shifting his glance between him and Caius and knew what to expect from his brother.
“And what of Caius? Have you no words for him?” Calpurnius smirked.
“My words for him are private and definitely not to be shared with my brother.”
“Afraid you will make me blush, Dru?” Cal continued, lightening the mood as was his talent.
“He will certainly make you blush, Cal,” Caius said with a wink. “I do not know where he learned to speak to a lover, but his words alone can make me tremble.”
Drusus laughed at his brother’s shocked expression. He didn’t think it was often that somebody got the better of Calpurnius, but Caius had certainly turned the tables on him tonight.
“Congratulations, Caius,” Marcus said, “I do not think I have ever seen Calpurnius without words before.”
Drusus was pleased to see Marcus laughing with them. He’d never shown favouritism to Calpurnius, nor had he shown disfavour to Caius. He was a good and fair man who deserved better than the life he’d had. Twenty years in the legions was too long, in Drusus’s opinion.
Twenty years spent expecting to have his life taken from him at any moment. They were bent under the whip of Roma as surely as the slaves. By the time they got out, youth had passed them by, and years of war and toil had ravaged their bodies. The women they’d once known were long married, and no young girl wanted a grizzled old soldier. So many legionaries were robbed of their youth and of a family of their own.
“I am not without words.” Calpurnius good-naturedly bristled. “I just do not think it is proper to talk of our centurion in this manner.” He sniffed and drew himself tall as if such a thing was shocking to him.
Caius and Marcus both laughed and threw bread at him. Drusus sat back and watched, taking every little thing in. He committed Calpurnius’s face to memory as he had done so many years ago. The thought of being separated from his brother again so soon after finding him was hard to stomach, but bear it he would. Their duty was to fight and die for Roma.
“Well, I’m for my bed,” Marcus said as he stood and stretched. “These bones are getting old, and they are weary tonight. I will see you all at first light.” He left with no further fanfare, only a quick backwards glance at those in the tent.
A lump formed in Drusus’s throat, but he swallowed it down. Calpurnius would leave soon, too, and Drusus had little idea how he would manage that departure.
“You worry much, do you not, Dru?” Cal softly asked.
“I do. Please sleep well tonight, Cal, and stay by my side tomorrow.”
For once Cal’s face was without a smile, and his words were serious. “I promise you. I will do everything I can to see us all safely at Vetera again.”
“As will I, Cal.”
Calpurnius nodded and then stood. He pulled Drusus into an embrace exactly as he’d done to him a short while ago. Drusus held him tightly and pressed a kiss into his curls. His amiable, loving brother. Would the gods be so cruel
as to take him so young? But how many other such men had fallen to a foreign blade?
Drusus watched when Cal released him and pulled Caius into a hug. They spoke quiet words to each other before Calpurnius finally released Caius and hurriedly fled the tent. Caius stood a moment watching after him, a look of such sadness crossing his handsome face.
“Are you well, Caius?”
“I am well. I only hope you are wrong, Dru. I hope there is no trap.”
Drusus wrapped his arms around Caius’s willing body. He feathered kisses all over his face and up to the top of his head into his soft hair. “I pray the gods I am wrong, too, Cai.”
They held each other for a moment, neither eager to let go. Drusus would have been happy to stand there with Caius in his arms until all the world ended. “What did my brother say to you?” he whispered.
“He thanked me for loving you.”
Drusus gripped Caius’s arms and pushed him gently away to see into his eyes. “Loving me?”
“Of course. I love you, Drusus. I think I have loved you for all time. Cupid himself could not turn my eyes from you.”
Drusus wondered if he should feel some anguish at Caius’s words. Despair for a love that may be so soon lost to him, but he felt nothing but joy. How close he had been to never having this, to never feeling such a love for someone and having that love returned.
“I love you too, Caius,” he murmured before pressing his lips to Caius’s.
Drusus led Caius to his pallet, never once breaking their kiss. He lifted Caius’s tunic off before removing his own and then gently lowered them down so he was lying with his body half covering Caius’s. If he lived a thousand lifetimes, he would never tire of Caius. He fought to push from his mind that one way or another, either through death or retirement, he would not have Caius for long.
Beneath him, Caius’s body writhed, his telltale signal that he was ready for more, but Drusus would take his time tonight. He would not be rushed. He rose up on his arms and peered down at Caius. His lovers eyes were wide, the pupils blown. Drusus imagined everything that Caius was feeling within them: desire, love, need, fear. It was all there so vividly displayed in his expressive eyes. His swollen lips were pulled into a gentle smile, and in the flickering light of the lantern Drusus had a hard time believing that the sweet, pliant Caius spread out before him now could also be a ruthless warrior. But thank the gods he’d witnessed Caius’s ferocity and skill in battle.