I’m about to turn and push off the wall to do another lap when something catches my eye. I stop and lift my head to inhale, then I pull my goggles off my face. Jimmy stares at me with a serene smile.
I wipe the water from my eyes. Trying to catch my breath, I look at him and enjoy the feeling of being home that warms my body when he’s around. It was always there, dulled by the effects of drugs and alcohol before. Now it’s like a living, breathing entity of its own.
“You’re early,” I say, keeping the smile on my face so he knows it’s not a problem. The counselors have warned us about families being worried and walking on eggshells. I never want Jimmy to fear I’ll use again because of something he did. I’ve put way too much blame on him already.
“Guilty as charged. The flight left a little early and the pilot said we made good time with the winds.”
“Just give me a second to get dried off.”
I push up on the side of the pool and exit the water. Once I’m standing, water dripping off my sport bikini, I sneak another glimpse at Jimmy. The last time he came here, it felt like a dream after. I want to soak up as much of him as I can.
Heat flares in his eyes when they flow down my body, but he quickly snuffs it out.
Heat rises to my cheeks and I’m not sure why. This man has seen me without my clothes on more times than I can count. But I had no idea how different the world would look without drugs. So vibrant and full of color.
“You look great,” he says, breaking the silence. “I mean, you always look good, but you look healthy.”
“Thanks. Just let me dry off, then we can sit and catch up.” I grab my towel off the lounger and dry myself.
I wrap the large towel around me and gesture for Jimmy to follow me. I lead him to the large circular lounger that has an overhang to keep off the blinding rays of the desert sun.
“Let’s sit here.” I crawl up and lean back against the cream-colored cushions, letting my legs extend in front of me.
Jimmy does the same, sitting to my left. He’s wearing a pair of camouflage shorts with large pockets and a T-shirt that fits him snuggly. Something stirs low in my belly and I recognize it as desire. I’m surprised—shocked really. I haven’t felt desire since I got sober.
I’ve always needed Jimmy, but this is the first time in forever that I’m aware of wanting him. Only for pleasure. Not to use sex to numb myself, or because it’s what he wants, or I want to manipulate him like that fifteen-year-old girl in my bedroom again.
I push that feeling aside. It will only complicate things right now. We’re trying to mend the damage I’ve done to our friendship.
“How are you?” he asks, shifting so that he’s facing me, leaning against the lounger, holding up his head with his hand.
“Better than the last time I saw you. I really think I’m starting to get somewhere in my therapy. The past isn’t as scary to talk about now.”
He trails his index finger down my jawline, and my eyes fight the desire to close. “I knew you could do it.”
“At least one of us did.” A dry laugh falls from me. “I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. I still have days when I know if there was anything I could get my hands on, I wouldn’t hesitate to self-medicate. But I’m more confident now that I can tackle my issues. For so long, I shut down as soon as anything from my past showed up in my head. I’m finding better ways to deal with stuff than making myself numb.”
“You’re a survivor. One day you’ll look back on this and it will be a distant memory.”
I shake my head. “No, I need to remember the pain I caused you, the pain my father caused me. If I forget, I’ll end up back in that place where I didn’t care whether I lived or died.”
He blanches. The old me would’ve backtracked, but the new me knows that I have to say what I’m feeling. I have no chance of staying sober if I repress my feelings.
“Lilah.” He takes my hand. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I never should have pushed you away.” His voice breaks on his last few words.
A sharp, stabbing pain cracks in my chest. “It’s not your fault.” I squeeze his hand.
His gaze darts away from mine.
“Jimmy, look at me.”
He does, but his eyes are sad.
“You were right to do what you did. I was a mess, and I was screwing up your life. If you had been there, I might never have ODed, and I might never have gotten here.”
He shakes his head before I’m even done speaking. “No, I should’ve pushed you harder to stop. I should have sought help for you. Instead I cast you off with nowhere to go.”
“You know as well as I do that I wouldn’t have listened to you. We’d still be going through the same unhealthy cycle—you giving me everything and me taking advantage of you.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “No, I needed to hit rock bottom and almost die. I should be thanking you, because if you hadn’t done what you did, I would still be a lost girl who had no value for herself or her life.” Tears well in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I didn’t think I had any more tears left.
“Do you know that now? That you have value?” Hope fills his eyes.
The counselors warned us of this too. Our loved ones hoping rehab was like a Band-Aid and when we leave, we’re all healed up and ready to start our life. Sixty days isn’t long enough to make me love myself. The hope in his eyes makes me want to lie, but there’ve been too many lies between us.
“I’m working on it.”
He presses his lips together and nods.
“There’s something else I want to say… you can say I don’t need to apologize for pushing you away and what it eventually led to, and that’s fine. I’ll never feel that way, but I won’t bring it up again if that’s what you want. But there is something else I need to apologize for.” I slide my hand away from his, but he grips it harder. “Back in Virginia—”
“I don’t want to talk about that night. We promised we’d never talk about it.”
“I know, I know. It’s not that.” His eyes search mine. “I need to apologize for getting you into drugs in the first place. If it wasn’t for me, you never would’ve gotten a taste for it and your life would have gone a different way.”
A short burst of laughter escapes me.
He drops my hand and looks away.
I take his hand, and it lays limp in my palm. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but do you honestly think I never would have turned to drugs or alcohol to numb myself? It was inevitable. It’s not your cross to bear.”
It’s true, I did smoke my first joint with him and try some party drugs, but he isn’t the reason I’m an addict. I’m an addict because I chose to numb myself rather than deal with the repercussions of my abuse.
“Lilah, because of me—”
“Stop. Enough. My addiction issues are not your fault. End of story.”
His eyes flare open from the bite in my tone. “Okay, okay. I won’t bring it up again if it bothers you.”
Here’s what the counselors were talking about. He’s scared to agitate me because he thinks it will send me over the deep end. I hate it just as much as they said I would.
“The only thing that bothers me about it is you thinking I’m here because of you.”
His eyes flick away from mine for a second before meeting my gaze again. “There’re a lot of things I regret.”
I pull him in for a hug. “I know that everything you did for me was out of love. I know that.” A tear trickles down my cheek.
Admitting that someone loves me is as hard as loving myself. Whether or not I think I deserve his love, I know that he’s only ever tried to help. Selling drugs wasn’t just a means to an end for him; it was for my survival and to help get us out of that hellhole.
He sniffs and turns his face into my neck. We stay in one another’s arms, trying to heal from circumstances kids should never have to deal with. We were young and did what we had to in order to survive and free ourselves from abu
se. Whether or not it’s genetics that I got hooked and Jimmy didn’t doesn’t matter. Our lives are as entwined as the roots of a large oak tree.
Eventually we pull apart.
“I’m glad you came today. Thank you,” I say.
“You know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
And with that, we talk about other things. Anything other than our shared past. I find myself wishing that this is how it will be when I’m out of here.
I’ve decided to stay another thirty days. The real world is a scary place, and I’m not sure I’m ready. Whether I’ll be able to handle staying sober once life interferes. Here, I’m focused almost one hundred percent of the time on working on myself. Out there… there’s a job, an apartment, money, food, survival to worry about.
The other part of me wants to stay until I’m as strong as I can be. Because when the world tries to crush me under its enormous weight, I’ll be standing on my own, weathering the storm.
Chapter Thirty-one
JImmy
The lights of the photo shoot shine down on me, heating my skin. You’d think by now I wouldn’t squint when thousand-watt bulbs are pointed directly in my face, but I still do.
“That’s it, move a little closer to him, Adelaide. Wrap your arm around his waist,” the photographer says in his Australian accent. “Perfect.”
We’re here to shoot some promo for the film. It’s still in editing, but the studio wants to push it well in advance of release.
I don’t know how Lilah did this for a living. It’s arguably one of my least favorite parts of the job.
Just the thought of Lilah makes Adelaide’s arm slung over me feel wrong. But ever since Lilah’s overdose, there’s been no question of something other than friendship between Adelaide and me, and Lilah and I aren’t romantically involved at the moment.
“Great. I want to get some shots of the two of you looking at each other.”
I turn my head down and meet Adelaide’s gaze. She bites her lip to stop from laughing. I told her this morning how much I hate these things and she must see my displeasure on my face. The right corner of her lips quirks up a bit then a bit more, and now I’m biting back a smile. When a short burst of laughter escapes her mouth, I can’t help but laugh back. Soon we’re caught in a laughing fit about nothing specific.
Lilah refers to it as “we’ve got the giggles.”
The thought stops my laughing, and after a couple of seconds, Adelaide stops too.
I swivel my head to search out the photographer behind the blinding lights. “Think we can take a break?”
“Sure thing, mate,” he says, staring at his camera.
“Thanks.”
Without looking back at Adelaide, I head to where I got ready. Normally I’d soldier through. I never want to be known as hard to work with. That tanks careers in this industry. But it’s been three months since Lilah left for rehab and she’s been on my mind a lot.
I haven’t heard from anyone at the rehab about my monthly visit. Usually by now, Ruth would have contacted me to let me know I’m able to visit. Which makes me think maybe Lilah’s seeing my apology in a different light now and has decided I am to blame. Maybe she no longer wants to see me.
That fear keeps me up at night, sipping on whiskey to relax my mind enough to fall asleep.
I sit in the makeup chair and check my phone to see if I’ve missed any calls while I was on set. There’s nothing but a text message from Tripp, asking if I’m up for a night on the town tonight.
As if. I haven’t done much since Lilah’s overdose. Everything I do is mostly business-related stuff that I can’t weasel out of.
My thumbs are on my phone to respond to Tripp when heels click behind me. I glance up through the mirror to see Adelaide approaching. We formed a definite friendship while working on the film and I’m sure she’s only trying to be a good friend right now, but I really wish she’d leave me alone. Didn’t I say I needed a break?
“Hey,” I say.
She comes to stand beside me and watches me in the mirror. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. It seems like maybe something is bothering you.” Adelaide’s assessing eyes meet my gaze.
“I’m good.”
Her lips tip down in the corner. “If you say so…” She lets her sentence hang there, waiting to see if I’ll offer her more information.
I do need to talk to someone about Lilah. Tripp has never been on #TeamLilah, even though he seems to respect the fact that she’s getting help for her issues. Adelaide and I have developed a friendship and she is a good listener.
I shift in my seat so I’m facing her and place my phone on the makeup table in front of me. “I’m concerned about Lilah is all.”
Adelaide’s shoulders sag right before a concerned look appears in her eyes. She leans in and covers my hand with hers. “How is she doing in rehab?”
“That’s the thing. I wouldn’t know. I mean, she’s still there, so that has to account for something, right?”
She nods.
“Normally by now I’ve gotten a phone call to arrange my visit, but so far I’ve heard nothing. It’s making me crazy, wondering whether maybe she doesn’t want to see me for some reason.” I’m not going to get into our history together with Adelaide, but I’ve said enough to give her an idea of what’s going on.
“Why wouldn’t she want to see you? From everything I’ve seen, you’ve been nothing but a rock for her.” She squeezes my hand.
“Trust me when I say she definitely has her reasons.”
“Maybe she’s just going through a hard time there and they—”
Adelaide’s attempt at making me feel better is interrupted by my phone vibrating on the table. I grab it, and relief mixed with uncertainty wraps around me when I see the rehab’s number on the screen.
“That’s the rehab place. Give me a minute?”
She presses her lips together and nods, turning to walk away.
I don’t wait for her to be out of earshot before I slide my thumb to the right. “Hello?”
“Jimmy, hey.”
Adrenaline surges through my veins when Lilah’s voice sounds through the phone. “Hey, you. How are you?”
“Good. I’m good… actually, that’s why I’m calling.”
I’m on alert with the hesitation and unsureness in her voice. “What’s going on?” I lean forward and rest my elbows on the makeup table, looking between my legs at the concrete floor.
“I’m coming home… well, see that’s the problem. I don’t really have a home and I’m not sure where I should—”
“I’m your home.” I shake my head. I don’t want to pressure her, if she’d rather me pay for a place. “I mean, my house is open.”
A rush of breath leaves her. “Are you sure? I was hoping you’d offer, but after everything that happened, I wasn’t sure whether that would be okay, or what your… situation is right now…”
The fact she isn’t fighting me makes me forget the uneasiness I felt before she called.
“Of course, Lilah.” I don’t even bother addressing her other concern. I can’t believe that she thinks I would be dating anyone while she’s getting herself together. Will she ever understand and accept the depth of my feelings for her?
“Thanks. It won’t be forever. Just until I can figure something out and get on my feet.”
“You know you’re welcome as long as you want. I have to ask though, are you leaving because it’s time or are you…” I wait for her to fill in the blank.
“No, no, I’m not bailing. My therapists all agree it’s time I get back to the real world, and I think so too. As scary as it is.”
“You know I’m here for you.”
“Jimmy?” I straighten up and turn to find Adelaide behind me with an apology in her eyes. “Sorry, the photographer wants us back.”
“Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.” Without waiting for her to respond, I turn back around. “When are you leaving? I’ll charter a plane and come
get you.”
“Was that Adelaide?” she asks.
“Yeah, we’re just on set, getting some promo pics shot for the movie. Enough about that though, when will you be back?” My leg bounces.
“The day after tomorrow. And no, I’ll take a commercial flight home and meet you at your house.”
“You don’t need to do that. I don’t have anything going on that day. I can come get you.”
“Jimmy, I know you love to save me, but… I need to do this on my own” She chuckles. Hopefully that means I have nothing to worry about.
I run a hand through my hair. “If you’re sure.”
“I am.”
I want to push my agenda, but I let it ride. I need to let her run her re-entry into the world, so I let the topic go. “All right then.”
“I’ll text you the details of when I’ll be there. I have my phone back.” The delight in her voice is clear to hear.
I grip my phone tightly. “I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me either,” she says.
“I’m here for you, you know.”
“I know you are. You always have been. Talk to you soon.”
She clicks off and I sit in the chair for a second, nerves and excitement colliding in my blood. In two days, she’ll be here, and I hope we can form something even more special.
Chapter Thirty-two
LIlah
The Uber pulls up in front of the gate at Jimmy’s house. My hand drifts unconsciously to my stomach. It rumbles with nausea.
“You can let me out here,” I instruct the driver.
He grunts something unintelligible and puts the SUV in park before exiting to retrieve my bags from the back.
With my hand on the door handle, I inhale a deep breath and push the door open. Here goes nothing.
The driver has my suitcase and carry-on waiting for me when I reach the back of the truck.
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