by Ash, Nikki
The phone starts ringing again and Landon’s name flashes across the screen. My stomach knots, remembering the pictures I saw earlier. This conversation is going to be difficult, but it needs to happen, I tell myself before I press answer.
“Hey,” I say, already hearing the tremble in my voice.
“Hey, Harp. I got your text. Everything okay?” Landon’s voice sounds worried, but at the same time rushed, like he saw it and had to stop what he was doing to call me. When I’m about to speak, someone shouts his name, and he muffles the phone, yelling back that he’ll be right there. It makes me want to postpone what I need to say, but at the same time, it solidifies it.
“Harper, you there?”
“Yeah, you busy?”
“No, just got back from practice, and the guys and I are going to go grab a bite to eat.”
“Okay, well, I’ll make this quick then…” I swallow the lump in my throat and take a deep breath. “I think we should break up.”
There’s silence on the other end, and for a second, I worry he hung up on me, but then he speaks. “Did you meet someone else?” The raw emotion conveyed in every word he speaks forces the dam in me to break open, and the tears I’ve been trying to hold back, to fall.
“No.” It’s hard to speak. My throat has a lump in it, and my emotions are making my voice crack.
“Then what’s going on?” he asks, his tone low and breathy. All I want to do is hug and kiss him, but I can’t. We can’t because he lives eleven hours away. And even once I graduate, the chances of me getting to go to a school near him are slim. Every day we’re prolonging the inevitable, and eventually one of us is going to get hurt. I can’t speak for him, but I’m already hurting.
“I just… I can’t do this, Landon.” I choke on my sobs. “I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
He sighs into the phone. “Fuck, Harp… I don’t know what to say or do. I want to hang up the phone and get on the first flight that will take me straight to you.” He sniffles into the phone. “Tell me what I can do to make this better, easier, and I will.” And I know he means that. Landon would do whatever it took to make sure I’m happy. But what I need, he can’t give me. Not without sacrificing his own future. And I would never let him do that.
“There’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry. I love you and I don’t want to lose you, but I have to let you go.” Fat tears race down my cheeks, soaking the top of my shirt. I try to swipe them away, wanting to remain strong, but my heart is aching, even if this is my own doing. All the times Richie and I broke up, I never felt an ounce of the pain I’m feeling right now. It’s as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and is being stomped on.
“I wish things were different,” Landon says softly, hurt woven through his every word. “But I know you’re right. It’s your senior year. You should be out having fun, not waiting for our video chats.”
“It’s not about that,” I assure him.
“You don’t have to explain, baby. I get it. It hurts, but I get it. I promised you, that if we gave it a chance and it wasn’t working, I would let you go, so we could stay friends. Just promise me two things.”
“Anything,” I say, choking back another sob.
“First, we stay friends. I can’t lose you completely, Harper. Even if it means I have to hear about all the boys who will be chasing you once they find out you’re single.”
The sob I was trying to hold in escapes. “Nobody is going to be chasing me, but of course I still want to be friends. What’s the other thing?”
“If one day I make it back to Boston and you’re single, promise me you’ll give us another chance. I refuse to believe this is the end of us, Harper.”
With his words, the tears fall harder as sobs rack my entire body. “I promise, Landon.”
“I love you, Harper, so damn much.”
“I love you, too.”
When I get to school the next day, my eyes are puffy and my cheeks are flushed from the hours I spent crying. As soon as Angela sees me, she envelops me in a hug and I lose it again. I cry on her shoulder until the bell rings and we both have to go to class.
Later, Melissa texts me that Angela told her Landon and I broke up. I groan inside, knowing that means Melissa’s probably already told the entire town. She texts that we should go out, so I can move forward, but I reply back I’m not ready. I can’t imagine when I’ll ever be ready to move on from Landon. In the short time I had with him, he became my world, my safe place, and even though we’ve agreed to remain friends, it doesn’t feel the same.
As I’m lying in bed, reading Eclipse since the next movie won’t be out for a while, my phone rings. It’s Landon.
“Hey,” I say nervously, wondering how our first post-breakup conversation is going to go.
“Hey,” he says back.
“How was practice?”
“Good.”
“Good.”
After that, we both sit on the phone for several minutes, neither of us saying a word. I was afraid this would happen. Terrified. We both still love each other, but we’re not together. We don’t know how to go back to being friends. Our hearts are broken and we both need time to heal.
“Landon,” I breathe out at the same time he says my name.
“You go first,” he says.
“I think maybe…”
“Don’t say it, Harp, please,” he pleads. “Don’t tell me not to call or text you.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I cry. “My heart… it hurts. I miss you.” I clutch my hand to my chest. I used to think when one would say they were heartbroken, it was nothing more than an analogy made up to express the level of hurt one can feel. But now that I’m going through it, I know firsthand, it’s not just an analogy. My heart actually physically aches. It’s hard to catch my breath, to function. It hurts so bad I wish I could reach into my chest and pull my heart out so I wouldn’t have to feel it any longer.
“I’ll come home,” he says. “Say the word and I’ll quit.”
“Landon…” I love him for even suggesting that, but there’s no way I would ever ask that of him.
“I will,” he promises. “I miss you so much, Harper. What the hell is the point of following my dreams if you aren’t there with me?”
“Landon.” I choke on a sob. “It’s not fair to put that on me and you know it. I can’t be the reason you quit. You’ve worked your entire life for this. You can’t quit. I won’t let you.”
“Fuck!” he yells. “I don’t know how to fix this, baby. This sucks.”
“You can’t,” I say honestly. “We just need to take a step back. Let our hearts heal, and once they do, we can go back to being friends again.”
“Is that what you want?” he asks.
“I think it’s what we need.”
“Okay.” He sighs, and I hate how defeated he sounds. “But if you ever need me…”
“I know.”
We hang up, and I spend several hours crying into my pillow, until my tears run out and my body gives up and I fall into a fitful sleep, wishing things could be different, but knowing this is how it has to be.
Nine
Harper
“Just one drink!” Melissa pushes the red Solo cup my way. “It’s Halloween and we’re at a college party. Quit being a fucking downer!”
It’s been almost two weeks since Landon and I agreed to cut ties, and it doesn’t feel like my heart is any closer to healing. Last week, in a moment of weakness, I called him. It ended with me sobbing into the phone and Landon apologizing over and over again, begging me not to cry. He even suggested we get back together, even though we both know that won’t help. Our issue would still be the same. He’s eleven hours away and we have no clue if or when we’ll ever be in the same city.
I was stupid to think we could go from dating back to being friends. It doesn’t matter that our breakup was nobody’s fault. Even knowing we’re only broken up because of the distance doesn’t change how badly it hurts. I
’ve promised myself that no matter what I’m not going to call or text him until I can do so without crying. Landon needs to focus on baseball and he can’t do that with me distracting him with my broken heart.
“Yeah, what she said,” Richie yells over the music thumping through the walls of the house, bringing me back to the present. Grabbing the drink from Melissa, he takes a sip then hands it to me. “Live a little, Harper.”
“I can live without drinking,” I argue, shaking my head.
“Yes, but your life won’t be as fun.” Angela winks, grabbing the other cup Melissa is still holding and downing the contents.
“You’re heartbroken,” Angela says. “And I get you’re trying to stay strong, but it’s okay to let go. Drown your sorrows in a cup of Vodka and let yourself forget for a little while.”
“Yeah, what she said,” Melissa says, grabbing the cup from Richie and thrusting it in my direction.
“Fine.” I take the cup and swallow a large gulp. The alcohol is strong and burns my throat. Everyone cheers once I empty the cup and drop it onto the table.
“To forgetting!” Angela yells.
“To forgetting!” everyone yells back, downing their glasses.
“Now, let’s dance!” Angela grabs my hands and pulls me into the middle of the living room, where we spend the next however many hours dancing and drinking and laughing.
Melissa keeps my cup filled, but I don’t drink them as quickly as I did the first one, not wanting to get drunk. It feels good to let loose, to forget about my aching heart for a little while. But that doesn’t mean I have to get trashed like Melissa does at every party.
“Hey, Harper, dance with me,” Richie says, pulling me away from Angela and into his arms.
“Are you having a good time?” he asks. His body rubs against mine, and it feels good. After so long of not feeling connected to someone, of missing Landon and the way we would kiss and touch and make love, I’m craving the connection.
“I am,” I tell him, allowing him to pull me closer. His knee parts my thighs and rubs against my center, and for a brief moment I pretend it’s Landon who’s parting my thighs. It’s Landon who’s rubbing against me. And my body tingles at the thought. I’m so turned on. It’s been months since I’ve been with Landon, and it feels good to pretend, even if it will probably hurt once I’m sober. Closing my eyes, I rub my hands up and down his chest. He’s not hard and muscular the way Landon is, but I pretend. Allowing myself to get lost in the music and his touch, I pretend.
“Let’s go someplace quiet,” he murmurs into my ear. I nod, suddenly feeling dizzy and overheated.
When we get to what I assume is Richie’s room, based on the décor, he immediately starts stripping off my clothes. His touch sends chills up my spine, but I’m not sure if it’s in a good or bad way. I keep my eyes closed, continuing to pretend. His lips find my neck, and I pretend they’re Landon’s lips. These lips are too rough, too anxious to be Landon’s, but I pretend they’re soft and sweet, just the way Landon’s always are.
“I’ve wanted you for so long,” he says, backing me up until the backs of my knees hit the bed. His voice is all wrong, but if I try really hard, I can pretend it’s Landon’s voice—telling me he wants me and loves me and misses me.
We both fall onto his mattress. He’s saying something else to me, but it’s hard to hear. My ears feel like they’re filled with cotton, and my head is slightly spinning. With my mom out of town for work, I promised her if I drank I would call a cab to pick me up. Looks like I’ll be calling that cab…
As Landon trails kisses all over my body and then enters me, I try to remember how many cups of alcohol I had. Two, maybe three. Something feels wrong. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. My heart pounds against my chest. My body feels like it’s on fire. This doesn’t feel like all the times we’ve made love, but maybe it’s because of the alcohol. Maybe if I just close my eyes and relax, everything will feel right again.
My body feels warm. Too warm. Like it’s the middle of summer and I’ve fallen asleep with my winter blanket wrapped around my body. I try to move, but something heavy is on me.
My eyes shoot open and I take in my surroundings. I’m in a room. Not my room. A guy’s room. There are pictures of sports teams and half-naked women on the walls.
For a split second, my heart feels full.
Am I in Landon’s room?
Then I remember he’s in Virginia. And we broke up. And we haven’t talked in over a week.
Then whose room am I in?
I glance over, and my stomach roils at the sight of the man next to me. Richie. Oh my God, did we…? I look down and find I’m almost completely naked—only my bra is on. And then it hits me. We were dancing and then he asked me to go someplace quiet, and I agreed.
Flashes of last night hit me. Richie removing my clothes. Kissing me. Making love to me… No, not making love, fucking me. I got lost in the moment and pretended he was Landon. Only he wasn’t Landon! Oh my God, what did I do?
Suddenly feeling sick to my stomach, I jump out of bed and race to what I hope is the bathroom. Because otherwise, I’m going to throw up all over the floor. Thankfully, it is, and I make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl.
“Hey, are you okay?” Richie asks. When I look up, he’s wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt.
“No, I feel sick.” I throw up again. And again. And again. Not even concerned with the fact I’m half-naked.
Richie leaves and comes back with a cold glass of water and a towel so I can cover my lower half. “Drink slowly,” he says, sounding worried.
I take a sip and the coolness helps calm me, but then my stomach churns and I throw up all over again.
“Jesus, Harper,” he says, losing his patience. “I’m going to wait for you in my room.”
When I think I’ll be okay, I stand and walk back into his room. He’s quiet the entire time I get dressed. Once I’m halfway decent, he finally speaks. “I know you and Landon only broke up like a month ago, but last night was amazing, and I think maybe…”
Oh my God, what did I do? I can’t believe I had sex with Richie, of all people. I can barely even remember it, and he’s calling it amazing…
“Stop, please.” I put my hand up. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but I barely even remember last night.” When his eyes widen, I say, “I just don’t get it. I know I had a couple drinks, but it was more than that… I thought…” Shit, do I say it?
“You thought what?” he prompts, his brows furrowed in confusion.
“I thought you were Landon.”
Richie stands and curses. “What the fuck, Harper? Were you on something?” Then his eyes bug out. “Did you take the same shit Melissa took?”
“No!” And then it hits me that she’s the one who gave me my drinks. “I don’t think so…” Damn it! It would be just like her to think helping me forget means slipping me something.
“Can you please take me home?” I ask, needing to get home and get a shower.
“Yeah.” He nods and grabs his keys.
Once I’m showered and feel somewhat clean, I call Melissa since I have no clue what happened to her or where she is. My head is throbbing, and I swear to God if this bitch slipped me something, I’m going to kill her.
She answers on the first ring. “Hey, chica, what’s up?”
“Where are you?” I ask, getting straight to the point.
“Getting breakfast with Dale.”
“Can you come over? I need to talk to you.”
“Everything okay?”
“No, Richie and I hooked up last night, but I can barely remember it, and what I do remember, I thought… well, I thought I was hooking up with Landon.” It felt so real. Like he was with me. Kissing me and making love to me. But as I think back, I knew deep down it wasn’t him. But it was as if my mind made me believe it really was. “Melissa, I think maybe I was drugged.”
Melissa is quiet fo
r a moment before she says, “I’ll be right there.”
We hang up, and a few minutes later, she’s knocking on my door. I swing it open, flinching at the bright sunlight.
“Thanks for coming over.” We go straight into my room, and even though my mom isn’t home, I close the door.
“Melissa, if you know something, you have to tell me. Richie said you were on something last night. Did you slip me something?”
“It was just supposed to help you relax,” she says flippantly, and the tiny hairs on my nape rise.
“What?” Richie was right. She drugged me!
“I slipped half a pill into your drink, so you would loosen up.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal.
“Melissa!” I screech. “What the hell were you thinking?” I stand, but when I feel like I’m going to throw up, I sit back down.
“Chill out. Angela was on it too.”
“She knew what you were doing?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I didn’t know you were going to hook up with Richie.”
“I thought he was Landon!” I knew something was wrong. The way my body felt hot and tingly. I chalked it up to drinking, but I knew deep down I hadn’t had that much to drink. I can’t believe she would do this to me. I’ve seen Melissa do a lot of shady shit over the years, but this is a new low, even for her.
“Look, I’m sorry,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. Half the people at the party were on something.”
“You never should’ve done that,” I say, standing again. “You need to leave now.”
She scoffs. “I said I was sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t fix what you did. And we both know you’re not really sorry. You’re just saying it to shut me up. I could’ve overdosed and died.”
“It was half a pill!” she argues. “Don’t be fucking dramatic.”
“I had sex with a guy and I barely even remember it!” I shout. “Get out of my house! I never want to speak to you again.”
I rush over to the door and swing it open. “Leave now!”