by E. L. Todd
“If you’re working just admit it, Clementine.” His voice was dark like he was suppressing his rage. “You don’t need to spare me the truth.”
I sighed then cupped his face. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He looked into my eyes but his eyes were full of disappointment. “Okay.”
I kissed his lips but the passion wasn’t there. It seemed like he didn’t want to touch me. I pulled away, not wanting to force it. “Bye.”
“Bye.” He didn’t walk me to the door like usual.
I sighed and let it go, knowing if I pushed him it would escalate into another fight.
***
It was a full house at the joint. Guys filled every seat, and their bills were in their hands. I still didn’t feel ashamed of what I did to pay the bills, but seeing the sadness on Ward’s face always made me question what I was doing. It hurt that it bothered him so much but I didn’t know what else to do. This was the only job that could give me the luxury of playing music.
When I danced on the pole, I heard catcalls and whistles. Some of the guys even said my Fantasia name, obviously regulars. I wore a black outfit that barely kept my breasts tucked in.
A guy waved cash at me. “Give me a lap dance, sweetheart.”
I pretended not to see him. I didn’t mind removing my clothes and dancing, but I felt uncomfortable grinding against any guy who wasn’t Ward. That felt like borderline cheating. I always looked away and waited for another girl to spot him. They usually fought for lap dances because big tips were involved.
The guy wouldn’t give up. He whistled. “Over here. I got a lot of cash in it for you.”
Why the hell wasn’t anyone taking him?
Finally, a blonde noticed him and headed over.
Phew.
“No,” he said. “I want Fantasia.”
Dammit. I kept ignoring him.
“What am I paying for?” he demanded. “Where’s the manager?”
Fuck, now I had to do it. If he were going to cause drama, it would jeopardize my job. I kept a straight face then headed down the stairs.
He clapped. “About time you came around.”
I really wanted to kick him in the dick.
“I got two thousand dollars with your name written on it.” A different guy held up the cash. His British accent was familiar.
The original guy made a sour face. “I waved her over first, buddy.”
“And I got more cash.” Ward nodded me over.
I smiled at my savior. I came to him then leaned over.
Ward inserted the cash under my thong. “Give me your best, darling.”
I moved over him and gave him a special dance no one else ever got. He looked into my eyes while he watched me move, and his definition through his jeans was noticeable. I rubbed against it purposely.
He didn’t touch me but it was clearly an effort to keep his hands to himself.
I turned around and continued to rub against him. His hand slid past my arm but then returned to the armrest, like he had a slip up. Then I moved back to face him. When I was finished I leaned in and gave him a deep kiss. He reciprocated and breathed into my mouth. Then reluctantly, he pulled away.
I smiled then walked away, feeling him stare at my back.
“My turn!” The guy stood up and grabbed me.
I twisted out of his grasp quicker than he could process then kicked him right in the cock. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”
His friends laughed at their wounded friend.
He bent over and cupped his balls. “You fucking bitch.”
“Tell someone who cares.” I walked away.
He grabbed me again. “Now you better do it for free.”
Ward came out of nowhere and gripped him by the throat, instantly choking him. “I suggest you do as the lady says and not touch her.”
His friends eyed Ward hesitantly and didn’t jump to their friend’s aid.
Ward continued to choke him. “Do you understand?”
I watched the dark burn of Ward’s eyes. He looked like he might kill the guy. All he had to do was squeeze just a little harder.
“You understand?” Ward repeated.
He couldn’t speak so he just nodded.
Ward released him. “I’m glad I taught you some manners.” He gave me a final look before he walked off.
I tried to act like nothing happened and went back to work.
***
When I left through the back entrance, Ward was there.
He didn’t look happy.
I decided to hold my tongue because there was nothing I could say to make this situation less tense.
He pulled me into his side and walked me to his car. After he got me inside, he got behind the wheel and drove in silence. The radio wasn’t on, so I could hear him clench his jaw. Every time I swallowed the lump in my throat, it was heavy on my ears.
When we got into his apartment, I expected the fight to break out. Instead, Ward got into the shower and shut the bathroom door. He usually kept it open but now he was closing me off. I’m surprised he didn’t just drop me off at home.
He was in the shower for a long time, longer than usual. My anxiety grew the longer I waited for him. Minutes passed and the shower continued to run. Fearing it was a stupid idea, I removed my clothes and joined him anyway.
What I saw shocked me.
He was leaned against the opposite wall of the showerhead, his face pressed against the tile. His arms rested on either side of his head and he stood still. I couldn’t see his face, but I assumed his eyes were closed.
I didn’t know what to do.
His back expanded with every breath he took. If he heard me, he didn’t act like it.
I stepped inside and felt the warm water touch me. I came behind him then pressed my hands against his massive back. Then I rubbed the muscle, trying to calm him the only way I knew how.
He didn’t move. His breathing stayed exactly the same.
I continued my ministration, hoping it helped.
Finally, he turned around. Instead of looking angry, his face hinted at heartbreak. His eyes were lifeless but they were also red, like he’d been crying a few minutes ago. His shoulders sagged under an invisible weight. His body was packed with muscle but he seemed weak.
I waited for him to say something.
He just stared at me.
The sight broke my heart. I hated myself for hurting him. This was all my fault. I wish the night hadn’t played out that way. Stuff like that never happened at the strip joint. It was just an unfortunate coincidence.
“Look at me.” His voice came out as a whisper.
I was already looking at him so I continued to do so.
“I’m barely holding on right now. I’m so angry that I can’t even…process it. Everything hurts. I’m overwhelmed with pain and hurt.” He gripped his skull and sighed. “Look what you’re doing to me. Please stop. Please.” He lowered his hands and looked at me with those broken eyes. “I’m begging. I’m weak and I’m begging. I don’t care how pathetic I look right now. Just…please.” He lowered his hands to his sides then closed his eyes, like he was fighting something.
I couldn’t handle this anymore. I couldn’t handle the way this was killing him. I refused to change my life for a man, especially one I wasn’t married to. But I couldn’t stand here and watch this any longer. I knew this was consuming every inch of him, burning him alive. It was too much. “I’ll quit.”
He took a deep breath then opened his eyes, searching my face.
I’d fallen for Ward hard, and I just wanted to make him happy. I didn’t want to have this fight anymore. I just wanted to be happy. For the first time in my life, I caved. “I’ll quit.”
His eyes softened and he pressed his lips tightly together. Then he reached for me, gripping my waist, and then he pulled me to his chest. He buried his face in my neck, hunching over to reach me, and then took a deep breath. “Thank you.”
Chapter Six
Roland
Heath and I were lying in bed after a lay that made my heart beat faster than it ever had before. I’d had an orgasm in various scenarios, whether it was having sex with a girl in a tantalizing position or jerking off with my hand, but never once did I have one as good as I did with Heath. It was enough to make my toes curl and my heart give out.
But the part after sex was just as good. We would lay there and stare at one another, not saying anything at all. Heath’s hair was messy from my fingers aggressively running through it, and his wide chest expanded with every breath he took. I used to stare at him before but it was always in an embarrassed way. Now I stared at him all I wanted. And he stared back.
He leaned forward and pressed a kiss over my heart. His lips lingered there for a moment before he pulled away. “You’re the hottest guy I’ve ever been with.”
“Me?” I asked.
He nodded. “The second I saw you, I got hard.”
If he said that to me before, it would have made me uncomfortable. But now I found it sexy. “Yeah?”
He nodded.
“Well, you’re the hottest guy I’ve ever been with.”
He chuckled. “Because I’m the only guy.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think that statement will ever change.” His blond hair and blue eyes got me excited nearly every time I looked at him.
“I hope it doesn’t.” His hand moved to the skin over my ribs and rested there.
I stared at him for a moment before I closed my eyes.
“Want to play a game?”
“I want to lay here with you,” I whispered.
His eyes softened. “That works for me.”
My hand rested on his wrist and I felt his pulse. It soothed me.
Then there was an annoying knock on the door. It was loud and intrusive.
“Expecting someone?” Heath asked as he flinched.
“No.” I sat up, wondering who would pound on my door like that.
“Roland, open up!” It was Conrad.
“Shit, what does he want?” I got up and pulled my clothes on.
Heath did the same.
“Stay here,” I commanded.
“Why?” he demanded.
“He’ll know what we’re doing. Our hair is messy and we smell like sex.”
“So?” he snapped.
“Just stay here!” I held up my hand and walked out. When I reached the door, I opened it. “Dude, what is the emergency?”
He came inside uninvited. “Beatrice came over last night.”
I shut the door then froze. “She did?”
“Yeah.” He paced around my apartment.
“What did she say?” I completely forgot about Heath in light of this news.
“She wanted me back.”
“Okay…is that a good thing?” I couldn’t read him at all right now.
“No,” he snapped. “It’s been three fucking months. And now she wants me back? Who the hell does that?”
I was relieved he didn’t want her back. She sounded like a handful. “Then…you can really move on now.”
“You bet your ass I can move on. Let’s go out. Now.”
“Uh, right this second?”
“Yeah, I want to go to a bar or something. Meet some girls.”
How do I get out of this? “Do you think that you’re just jumping the gun because you’re pissed off?”
“No. She came to me and told me her brother said she needed to make up with me. Her brother. Not her! Her brother!” He punched his chest and kept walking. “First, it was Theo who put us back together and then it was her brother. She’s a fucking coward. If she wanted me, she should have made that conclusion on her own. People shouldn’t have to convince her.”
Geez, he was really mad. “I think getting drunk isn’t the best idea…”
“Who said anything about getting drunk?” he demanded. “I just want a few beers and to meet a pretty girl. I want to move on from this and forget about it. My entire time with Beatrice was a complete disaster.”
There was no reasoning with him. “I don’t think sleeping with someone is going to make you feel better.”
“Who said anything about sleeping around?” he demanded. “And what does it matter? I’m single. I’ve been single for three months. I can do whatever the hell I want.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” I said calmly.
“I never want to be in a relationship again, Roland.” He came back to me and pointed me in the chest. “I’m leaving this up to you.”
Was he drunk already? I could smell alcohol on his breath. “Leaving what up to me?”
“Never let me be in another relationship—ever again. I mean it. If I even think about it, remind me what the hell happened with Beatrice. Remind me how she ripped my heart out then spat on it.”
“Just because it didn’t work out with Beatrice doesn’t mean it won’t work out with someone else.” I tried to keep my voice calm so he would stay calm.
“It’s not going to work out with anybody, “he said with resolution.
“It’s normal to have a few serious relationships before you find the right one.”
“I thought I was going to marry her,” he snapped. “I thought that’s where this relationship was going. She’s such a selfish brat.”
“Then you dodged a bullet, Conrad. Think about it like that.” I hated seeing my friend like this. He was usually so upbeat all the time. It was odd to see him so down, so depressed.
“I did dodge a bullet,” he mumbled.
“So, let’s just calm down…”
“I am calm,” he snapped. “Now let’s go pick up some girls.”
“Uh…how about we just play a game or something?”
“What?” he asked. “You’re single, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, totally,” I said quickly. “I’m not seeing any girls…or guys.”
He raised an eyebrow at my words but didn’t comment. “Then let’s go.”
***
I didn’t dare text Heath just in case Conrad caught me. But I was certain Heath heard everything anyway so he wouldn’t wait around for me. Now we were at the bar and Conrad was scoping the crowd.
“Two cute girls right over there.” He nodded to the corner.
I eyed them. Neither one of them did anything for me. “Yeah…nice.”
“Which one do you want?”
“Uh…” Neither. “Whatever one you don’t want.”
He raised an eyebrow again but didn’t comment. “The blonde. No more brunettes. Fuck brunettes.” He downed his beer in a single gulp.
Damn, he was more depressed now than in the past three months. Why did that conversation with Beatrice shake him up? If anything, I thought it would give him closure.
“This is nice, right?” he said. “Us picking up chicks together again?”
“Yeah…fun times.” I just wanted to go back to Heath. But I knew he would be mad when I got home. Maybe it was best if I stayed out as late as possible.
“Alright, let’s go.” Conrad left the table.
Man, I didn’t want to do this. How was I going to pull this off? I couldn’t hit on a chick because that was technically cheating. Or was it? I wasn’t sure. And what if she wanted to sleep with me? How could I pretend to be straight when I was clearly gay and in love with a dude?
“You coming?” Conrad turned around and looked at me.
“Oh yeah.” I hopped off the chair then walked with him.
We approached the girls and Conrad turned on the charm. I stood there awkwardly, exchanging awkward glances with the brunette. The fact Conrad and I were good-looking like our fathers helped our game. I honestly didn’t think our moves were that noteworthy.
Conrad had successfully made the blonde laugh so he sat beside her.
I eyed the brunette and forced a conversation. “I’m Roland. Nice to meet you.”
“Casey.” She shook my hand.
“Is this seat taken?” I asked.
“By you,�
� she said flirtatiously.
Ugh.
She eyed me for a moment. “So, what do you do, Roland?”
I just wanted to go home to Heath. “I work for a magazine. I’m an assistant editor.”
“That’s cool,” she said, seeming impressed.
She and I carried the conversation but I was bored most of the time. I wish I were lying in bed next to Heath. I’d rather stare at him. That was never boring.
Conrad seemed to hit it off with the girl because they went through several drinks and laughed a lot.
I sighed and kept up the pretense of being somewhat interested. Unfortunately, the girl seemed to be really into me. Just my luck.
A few hours later, Conrad took the girl’s hand and guided her from the table. “We’re going to turn in. See ya.”
“Bye,” I said sadly.
Conrad winked at me then put his arm around her shoulders.
When he was gone, I turned back to her.
Judging the bright look in her eyes, she wanted to call it a night too.
Gross. “Uh, I have to go.”
Confusion came into her eyes. “Go?”
“I just remembered something I have to do.” I quickly got out of the chair. Conrad was gone so I didn’t have to pretend anymore.
“Wait, can I have your number—“
“Sorry, I’m in a hurry.” Feeling like a jackass, I left the bar and headed home. On the walk, I kept my hands in my pockets and dreaded seeing Heath. I knew he wouldn’t be happy with me. He was adamant about me telling my family what he was. He wouldn’t appreciate being asked to hide like that.
When I came into my apartment, it was silent. I assumed he wasn’t there. I checked the bedroom and saw that it had been made. Heath always made the bed, even when I was still in it. It was an annoying habit I loved about him.
Disappointed he wasn’t there, I headed to his apartment on the floor above mine and knocked.
He didn’t answer, like I expected.
I used my key to get inside. The living room was dark and the lights were off. I eyed the counter and saw his keys and wallet. So, he was home. “Heath, it’s me.” I didn’t want to scare him by barging in.
There was no response.
I walked down the hallway then reached his room. I tapped on it lightly. “Heath, it’s me.”