by Regina Darcy
“I mean to win you back, Tabitha,” he finally whispered, his voice laced with the strength of his conviction.
Tabitha shivered.
She opened the door and departed from the room before Arthur could see the effect his words had on her. Because truth be told, she did not know if she felt apprehension at his words or anticipation.
EIGHT
Tabitha walked out of her bedroom and up to the nursery floor, as was her custom in the morning, to visit the classroom where Miss Allen was giving Micah his lessons.
He was writing his letters on a slate when she entered, and he gave her his usual smile of greeting before returning to his task.
Miss Allen smiled at her pupil’s prowess. “He is advanced for his age,” she said to Tabitha. “I think that he has the makings of a scholar.”
“That is very good news to hear,” Tabitha smiled at her son. “I will be going out this morning, but I will be back in time for tea. I hope that you and Miss Allen will join me then, so that you will be able to show me what you have learned.”
Micah looked up and smiled. “Oh, yes, Mama. Mama, when am I going to ride Dandelion again?”
Tabitha felt a pang pull at her heart. She could not dash her son’s treasured memories of happy days at the stable. Happy days for her as well, for she had been with her son and with Joshua.
“Soon, I hope. It rained very hard last night, and it continues today; it would not be good for Dandelion to be out in the rain.”
“I hope the rain will stop soon,” Micah said. “Miss Allen and I always take our walk after lunch.”
“A little rain will not hurt us,” Miss Allen declared. “Unless it is pouring, we shall still venture out.”
Her charge brightened. “I don’t even mind if it is pouring!”
“You might mind if you were drenched to the skin,” Tabitha laughed.
“It was raining frightfully loud last night, Mamma,” Micah said. “It woke me up.”
“It woke you up?” Tabitha repeated, alarmed.
“Oh, yes, it was dreadfully loud. Did you not hear it? Miss Allen heard it too. Didn’t you, Miss Allen?”
His governess nodded. “After such a pleasant spell of clement weather, it was somewhat of a shock to have such a loud rain, and yet there was no thunder or lightning. It was quite strange. But I suppose we must remind ourselves that England is a rainy country. We shall incorporate the weather into our geography lesson, Micah.”
Micah liked geography. “Mamma, do you know that there are places where it almost never rains? They are called deserts,” he said.
Relieved that her son had moved so swiftly to a topic other than that of the noisy rain the night before, Tabitha listened as Micah regaled her with all he knew about deserts which, owing to Miss Allen’s teaching, was quite a lot for one so young. She left them to their studies, the subject of the previous night’s rain abandoned.
She went down the staircase to her room, which was located at the opposite end of the guest bedroom where Arthur was lodged. Once inside her bedroom, Tabitha sat down on the bad and allowed the trembling which had threatened her to proceed. She hugged her arms around herself as she shuddered with the memory of Arthur’s parting words when she left his room.
“I mean to win you back, Tabitha.”
It sounded like a threat. Had he meant it to sound that way, or was she so accustomed to regarding her husband as a threatening figure in her life that she interpreted his words in such a manner?
Win her back?
He had not tried to win her when he had asked her father for permission to court her, and when he decided that he wanted to marry her, it was her father who had informed her that he had accepted Arthur’s proposal of marriage for her. She had felt as if she were peripheral to the entire engagement.
Win her back?
It was not yet a full twenty-four hours since he had re-entered her life, moving from death into life, and now he spoke of winning her back when he knew very well that theirs had not been a marriage where love had been present.
She had been moving quite comfortably into the role of a widow and as she and Joshua Hendrickson spent more time together, she had enjoyed the courtship, even if she had not acknowledged it as such. She had been ready to; last night was when she had intended to let Joshua know that their friendship had moved to a level where she was ready to embrace marriage once again only, this time, on more harmonious terms.
Micah enjoyed Joshua’s company and Joshua returned the feeling and that had been all that Tabitha needed to be sure that this was a wise decision.
That was done with.
There was divorce, to be sure, but a woman who divorced her husband was a ruined woman, particularly if he did not provide the grounds for such a serious conclusion to a marriage.
A divorced woman could not hope to win custody of her son; the future Viscount Randstand would be given to his father to bring up. She might never see Micah again if she divorced Arthur and that she could not endure. If the rest of her life was to be one of unhappiness and regret, she still could not grasp at an elusive hope for joy when it required her to relinquish her son.
Arthur would know that. He was unlikely to think that she would even consider divorcing him. Nor was Joshua likely to entertain the possibility. Divorce was far too severe a fissure in the fabric of society for rational men and women to contemplate. She knew herself to be falling in love with Joshua Hendrickson, but surrendering her son was far too high a price to pay.
What could she do?
How did Arthur plan to win her back? She shuddered at the thought of what marriage entitled a husband to. Once, there had been a time when she had hoped that the physical bonds of marriage might lead her husband to fall in love with her. She had foolishly dreamed that what he could not express during the day, he might be emboldened to utter at night.
It had not been so.
Young and inexperienced, she had not known how to convey her girlish hopes to her impatient and demanding husband. How she had cried at night after he left without a word of explanation, yearning for him to return so that they could strive to create love where there was none.
In the beginning of his disappearance, she had believed that Arthur had left because he was disappointed in his choice of a wife. She’d thought that he had taken up with a mistress and had gone somewhere where he could live with another woman without inciting a scandal. She had imagined that her deficiencies had driven him to such a decision. Then, a year went by without word of him and she had thought he must have found happiness with someone else. How else to explain a prolonged absence from Randstand? As the years went by, she had wondered if he had come to some terrible end, and she had asked Mr Ochsbury to investigate the matter. The solicitor had done so, but Arthur Clemens seemed to have vanished without a trace. So, she had accepted the fact that she was a woman alone with a son to raise and she had done her best. Then came the news that the court had declared Arthur deceased.
She had not realised that Mr Ochsbury had pursued this end, but she realised belatedly that it was the logical conclusion for a man of business to reach and as such, he needed a finite denouement to the matter.
It seemed as though most of her life had been something which was engineered by the actions of others. It was not until meeting Joshua that she became confident in steering her own course, and that of Micah’s, without the intervention or manipulation of others.
Joshua had no wish to be a puppet master and he did not regard women as inferior beings who required the direction of a male so that they would know what to do.
Win her back! She wrung her hands.
She could not imagine Joshua saying something like that, as if she were a prize at a village fair. She was not a trophy. She had not felt prized when Arthur first claimed her. The early days of their marriage had been a time of great uncertainty as she had endeavoured to do whatever she thought possible to win her husband’s affection. She clenched her fists.
Ho
w she had strived for his approval, entirely sublimating her own preferences so that he might be pleased. All for naught. Arthur wanted a wife and he had gotten one; after the wedding day, there had been no effort expended to cater for her happiness.
Happiness, she had concluded, was a woman’s duty to engender and a man’s to enjoy.
How could she possibly trust Arthur now, when their marriage had been nothing but artifice? He had controlled her, ignored her, or put her on display when the circumstances called for it. She might never have realised the extent of her husband’s control over her had she not met Joshua, who had shown her the means by which love and freedom were marvellously joined. Arthur was asking her to believe that he had gone through some kind of transformation, but he had failed to demonstrate any change at all.
She took a deep breath. Perhaps Joshua could make sense of it. She could not; her thoughts and her feelings were in a terrible muddle. She put on her hat and spencer and instructed Sutherland to send for her carriage. She had a desperate need to see him.
Joshua was surprised, but also relieved, to welcome Tabitha when she arrived. Aware that, now that she was once again a married woman, her presence in his home was an invitation to scandal, he nonetheless ushered her into the drawing room without wasting any time.
“Will you take tea or coffee?” he offered.
Tabitha shook her head. “I know I ought not to have come, but I did not know what to do or where to turn. No one in London knows yet that Arthur is alive; Sutherland and Mrs Barton will not divulge what they know, and I know that you will not.”
“Micah and his governess?”
“They don’t know. They heard some of the noise last night but attribute it to the storm. I explained to Arthur that I cannot let him reveal his presence to Micah as it would be too confusing for him. He’s only a child.”
Joshua was silent. He knew that the woman he loved could never be his, not without scandal and a loss of reputation that would ruin them both and inevitably mar their reputations. But he could not relinquish his affection for her. Not yet.
He accepted the fact that it was up to him to steer that affection into something platonic, until what he felt for the Viscountess Randstand was more akin to regard rather than passion. In order to make that possible, he was obliged to guide her as if they were no more than friends.
“I should think,” he said slowly, the words coming out of him with pangs of regret that it was upon him to be the discerning, neutral advisor rather than the suitor, “that your husband’s hope of redemption must rest with your son.”
Tabitha’s eyes revealed confusion and perhaps also hurt that he was speaking so matter-of-factly when not even twenty-four hours ago, they had been on the brink of engagement. “I don’t understand.”
“You say yourself that he is a failure as a husband. Perhaps he can restore his position by showing himself to be an admirable father.”
“Are you saying that I must put Micah at risk by letting Arthur enter his life without any warning? How can a child of Micah’s age understand that his father has returned from the dead?”
“You know Micah better than anyone,” Joshua said soothingly. “Will he ponder the matter for very long, given his youth, or will he soon accept the fact that the father he did not remember is now in his life?”
“In his life, yes, but for good or for ill?” Tabitha cried out. “What if Arthur employs the same tactics as a father that he used as my husband? Shall I see Micah reduced to such a sorry state as I was?”
“You are no longer a newlywedded wife uncertain of her moorings,” Joshua reminded her. “You have had years of living without him and recently, you have had the liberty to rule your own life and household as you have seen fit. You have rediscovered what pleases you.”
“I know Arthur well enough to realise that such independence will not be endurable for long. When he is well again, when he is himself again, he will immediately fight to regain the same control that he had before.”
“Did you ever love him?”
The question was unexpected, especially as it came from Joshua, a man who, unlike Arthur, would be very easy to love. “I have told you,” she said, her voice trembling, “that when we were first married, I had foolish dreams. Those dreams were quickly dashed.”
“Did you love him?” Joshua pressed her.
“I thought I did,” she answered, “but what did I know of love? What does any innocent girl, going from her father’s home to her husband’s, know of love? You would do better to ask if he ever loved me. He was indifferent to me. That is worse than hate. I did not know that love could be warm and welcoming, that it could make me feel as if I were beautiful and—” she stopped abruptly, the rosy hue entering her cheeks as she realised that her words were exposing her emotions.
Joshua, his heart pounding with the revelation that she loved him, had to force himself to behave as if she had not said anything of significance. He brought the conversation back to the subject of her son.
“But you are not the same woman you were as a bride. You are a grown woman now, and a mother. Micah’s security is anchored by his trust in you. Your husband will recognise that and will understand that he dare not jeopardise his son’s trust in you, his mother. You must give him that chance, Tabitha. Possibly he knows how badly he behaved. Perhaps he does not know how to rectify matters.”
“He said he—he means to win me back!” Tears rushed to her eyes as she recalled her reaction to Arthur’s declaration.
“I felt as if I was drowning in his intent. How cruel this is, Joshua. I was entirely ready to move forward in my life. I wanted to be with you.”
There, she had said it. She had made the declaration that no self-respecting woman would ever utter. She had acknowledged her feelings for Joshua.
“There is nothing that Arthur can say,” she went on in a subdued voice, “that can change my mind.”
Joshua met her gaze and she saw there, in those light blue eyes which had always been alight with merriment and a certainty that happiness was there for the having, an expression of such deep pain that she ran to him.
“Oh, Joshua, how dreadfully unfair this is!”
Joshua’s arms reached out to hold her.
“You must speak to him,” he said. “He is your husband and if he wishes to win you back, then it is very likely that he knows he has lost you. He has not explained why he was away for the past four years, but judging from his appearance last night, the disappearance was not of his volition. There may be something in the telling that will soften your heart. It is not impossible that his experiences were of such a gruelling nature that they have softened him as well. Would it not be for the best if he has learned better and is ready to be the husband that you deserve?”
“I wanted you to be the husband that I deserve,” she said.
“I wanted to be that lucky man, Tabitha,” he said, refraining from kissing her, even though she appeared so distressed that he wanted very much to enfold her in an embrace that would affirm his love for her. But he could not do so. It was now for him to exchange the role of the suitor for that of a friend, a trusted friend, who would dispense advice and give support without expecting anything in return. He could not be a man whose desire rose at her touch and whose passion for her was dominant. “But it is not to be.”
Taking a handkerchief, he gently wiped the tears away from her cheeks, pressing the cambric against each individual wet rivulet to prolong the contact.
“Now you must return to your home, Tabitha, and try to build a new life upon the ruins of the old. But do not forget that these past weeks have changed you, just as they have changed me. We now know what a blessing true love can be. There can be such a harmony between a man and a woman that they become one in spirit. I have felt that with you, and I know that you experienced the same connection with me, for we have united our hearts into one. That union of our souls does not need marriage to thrive.” Joshua inhaled deeply. He closed his eyes as he was assa
ulted by her delicious scent. They stood unmoving for a movement. Then he pulled himself together.
“You must return to Arthur as his wife and try to construct such a unity together. But our joining, which will always be of our souls, need not diminish as long as you are complete and full within your marriage to Arthur. It will take time . . .” His voice broke and he had to pause lest her presence break through his resolve. “It will take time, but I am confident that when you are content in your marriage, you will find that our friendship may grow even stronger roots.”
Tabitha shook her head. Her tears were falling so freely now that Joshua could not hope to dry them. “I do not see how that will be possible,” she lamented. “I do not even understand what it is that you expect. Is such a bond possible between a man and a woman?”
“It must be,” he said, “for I cannot bear the thought of your unhappiness, and I cannot endure being without you.”
NINE
“It is most miraculous, my lord, that you should return to us after so long an absence.”
“Yes,” Arthur said listlessly. Tiresome man, Dr Philpot. Competent, no doubt; Tabitha said her friend, Lady Atelia, had recommended him and he seemed to know his business. He had proclaimed that Arthur was much weakened and wondered aloud what circumstances the Viscount could have endured that had placed him in such debilitating circumstances.
Arthur chose not to answer. It was enough that his return to London—and to life, if one thought of it—had the potential to create quite a stir. But the story of his return was being kept in confidence, shared only among a very few people that Tabitha trusted: Joshua, of course, who could be relied upon to keep quiet; Atelia, who loved gossip but would not betray her friend’s confidences; the doctor, who had been told that his patient’s return must remain a secret on peril of retribution from the Crown; and Sutherland and Mrs Burton, who were loyal to their master and mistress.