by Jen Davis
He buried his head in his hands. “Because I never dated anyone in high school. Never had any crushes or hook-ups. The only person in my life was Patty, and we were just friends. After a while, though, I knew she wanted more. I thought, what the hell? You know? I did love her. I do.”
Robby’s breath caught when Matt’s hand rested on his leg. When had they gotten so close? He looked up to see a new awareness in the man’s eyes. It made his dick wake up and take notice.
“But you don’t love her the way she loves you.” Robby licked his lower lip.
Matt’s eyes were wide, the brown rings of his iris shrinking against the blackness of his pupils. He shook his head slowly.
Robby inched closer. Just a fraction, but he felt the heat of Matt on his skin.
“Is it possible she may be right?” Robby’s voice barely rose above a whisper. “Have you ever—have you ever kissed another man?” His heart banged against his chest.
“I’ve never kissed anyone except Patty. I never wanted to.”
The grip on his leg tightened, and his dick was so hard, it almost hurt. But he found it a pleasurable kind of pain. He fought the urge to wrap his fingers around it while Matt’s eyes were locked on him. “Do you want to now?”
Robby’s left leg rested firmly against Matt’s and his entire body strained for more.
He didn’t wait for an answer. Ignoring the warning sirens blaring in his head, he leaned forward and finally, finally took what he wanted. His lips met Matt’s, and he groaned with the rightness of it.
Matt held still at first. A second. Two. Then, he yielded, and the surrender tasted so damn sweet. They kissed softly, breathlessly, as if neither had ever kissed another person before. As if they both knew this moment could change everything.
Robby slid his tongue over Matt’s bottom lip, tasting the bite of rum, and for a heartbeat, Matt’s tongue peeked out to brush against him.
But all too soon, Matt pulled away and rested his forehead against Robby’s.
“We can’t. I can’t.”
Robby’s heart thudded against his chest. Had he read everything wrong?
“I ruined one friendship this way before.” Matt shook his head. “You mean too much to me to risk it.”
“But you did…want to kiss me.” He might die of embarrassment if Matt said no.
“Yeah. Which is the crazy thing. I don’t really understand what’s happening with me. Am I gay? Now? All of a sudden? I never thought so, and now, here you are, and I want—I’m…really confused.” Matt rubbed his hand over his heart. “I don’t want to screw things up between us. Not like I did with Patty.”
A hundred arguments sprang to Robby’s lips, like how the deepest love could come from friendship or how love was better with someone you really knew and trusted, but Matt had to come to those conclusions on his own.
“Okay.” He shrugged with a nonchalance he didn’t feel. “We’ll stay friends, but in the meantime, those questions you have? About who you are and what you want? You owe yourself the answers.”
He stood, then turned off the TV and the overhead bulb. Only a thin beam from the light below the microwave illuminated the rough planes of Matt’s face. “It’s late. Get some rest. You’ve got a big day ahead of you.”
Chapter NINE
Matt
Matt woke up with a fuzzy head, and it took a minute to figure out the source of the obnoxious beeping somewhere nearby. He traced it to a small digital clock on the coffee table. Eight o’clock. A handwritten note rested beside it.
Had to step out for some errands. I hope the alarm worked okay. Didn’t want you to be late for your shift. Hit me up later if you feel like playing.
–R
Late for—oh, shit. His heart raced. He couldn’t lose this job. What time was it again?
Eight-oh-one.
Oh yeah. He had a couple of hours to run home, shower, and change. Sending a silent thanks to his friend, he lurched off the sofa and foraged for his shoes.
Hopefully, he hadn’t made too much of a fool of himself last night. The kiss he’d shared with Robby had been a shock to his senses. He wanted to take out the memory and examine it from every angle, but there was no time for it now. If he was going to make it to work to open up, he needed to hustle.
A hasty shower at his apartment and two microwaved scrambled eggs later, he was unlocking the front door of the bar with ten minutes to spare. He made quick work of setting up the cash register and prepping the bar.
Customers arrived in a slow trickle. A couple with matching blond hair and dark jeans around eleven. Three or four frat guys just before noon. By two o’clock, though, a dozen twenty-somethings were kicking back with their beers. Matt stayed poised—on the ready to serve their refills and collect his tips as each bottle ran dry.
He was so intent on anticipating their needs, he didn’t see Patty until she parked herself on the stool directly in front of where he stood at the bar.
She looked happier, more relaxed than he’d seen her in a long time. The braids gone from her hair, a headband pulled her short twists away from her face. A hint of makeup gave a slight blush to her cheeks. And best of all, her eyes twinkled with her small smile.
“When I dropped off Jimmy with your mama, she told me you were tending bar, but I thought she was pulling my leg.” She looked him up and down. “Never in a million years did I think I’d see the day Matt York worked in a bar.”
“What are you doing here, Patty?” He kept his voice mild. The last thing he needed was to cause a scene and drive away his paying customers.
Delving her hand in her purse, Patty dug out a five-dollar bill and slid it across the bar. “Bud Light. And keep the change.”
He stifled the urge to point out she should be saving her money to get a better apartment. It wouldn’t do any good. Instead, he reached under the bar for her drink and popped open the top before swapping the bottle for the fiver.
She took a long pull from her beer, her shoulders swaying slightly to the Rhianna song piping from the overhead speakers. “You look like you sucked on a lemon. Buck up, Matty. You’re always worried about when you’ll get to see Jimmy. At least you know you can pick him up from your mom when you get off.”
True. Even if he did have to fit play time around shifts at the bar.
“I miss you.” She sighed. “Can’t we just be in the same place for a little while?”
Matt glanced around the room. No one was looking for a drink. “I’m working, but if you can respect that, you can stay.”
She surprised him by nodding and ordering a hamburger. He watched the room using the high mounted mirrors while he stepped into the back and dropped a pre-made burger on the griddle. The patty was thin, and by the time he had the bun and chips in the basket, it was done all the way through.
Stuffing the bottles of ketchup and mustard under his arm, he grabbed the food and placed it in front of her. She ate as he filled a few drink orders.
He leaned against the bar in front of her when he was done.
She’d made it about halfway through her meal. “So not only are you tending bar, you cook now too? It’s even edible.”
With anyone else, Matt may have played it down, but Patty knew better than anyone how underdeveloped his culinary skills were. She’d been there when he’d set off the smoke detector making a grilled cheese sandwich. He’d tried to wave the smoke away with a hand towel, which caught on the flame of the gas burner. Suffice it to say, the exercise had ended with a spent fire extinguisher, flakes of black ash floating around the kitchen, and a thoroughly petrified, blackened parody of a briquette sandwich.
“I’ve been practicing. I may never be a master chef, but I can handle the basics. Haven’t set anything on fire in at least nine months.”
Patty grinned into her food. “Maybe you can give me some tips. Unless it’s pre-cooked with a clear film on top so I can stick it in the microwave, I’m probably going for a bowl of Lucky Charms.”
Matt wrin
kled his nose. “I’ll never understand how you think those hard, little fake marshmallows qualify as food.” It was an argument they’d had more times than he could count over the years. Sliding back into the debate was like slipping on an old comfortable pair of shoes.
“Funny how a man who can’t melt cheese on two pieces of bread can be such a food snob.”
His heart squeezed painfully. It had been so long since he and Patty had hung out this way. For all the awful shit volleyed between them in the past year, there were a thousand happy memories built around nearly a decade of friendship. Late night study sessions over cheap Little Caesar’s takeout pizza. Binge watching old episodes of the Battlestar Galactica reboot. Sitting side by side while he played Final Fantasy and she sketched out the characters into fanfic comics.
It struck him how deeply he loved her. Other than his son and mom, there was no person on this earth who he’d felt more connected to than Patty. Only their bone deep bond prompted him to make love with her that night. A mistake, yes, but it was the wrong thing done for the very best reason.
“You’re thinking too hard.” Patty tapped her temple. “You’re gonna pop a blood vessel up there.”
Matt nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand landed on his left shoulder.
“Sorry I didn’t check in sooner,” Tom said, an easy smile on his face. “Why don’t you grab a few minutes break, and I’ll keep an eye on the bar?”
He’d been so involved in his conversation with Patty, Matt had completely forgotten his boss had promised to drop in this afternoon. “Yes, sir. I appreciate it.”
Grabbing his bottled water from the ice from the cooler where he’d stashed it at the beginning of his shift, Matt peeked at his watch. How the heck was it after three o’clock already? Only three more hours until he was done for the night.
He took the empty barstool beside Patty.
She crunched a potato chip, then pushed the empty basket away before facing him. “You seem comfortable here. All these people don’t bother you?”
“Nah. I don’t really have to talk much. I just get them what they ask for. Take their money.” He shrugged. “I’m just an extension of the bar, no different than a piece of furniture.”
“Just the way you like it.” Patty covered his hand with hers. It was soft and cool, and he didn’t pull away. Her presence next to him soothed his aching loneliness.
Why couldn’t she be like this all the time? His life would be so different. “You always did understand me.”
Her hand twitched. “I thought I did. I thought we’d be together forever. Now it’s like we’re strangers or, even worse, enemies.”
“You act like I cut you out of my life. That’s not what happened.” God knows, he’d never intentionally give up his best friend. He would have done anything to keep her.
Well, he would have done almost anything.
“No.” She released his hand to take a sip of her beer. “But it hurt too much being around you. After.”
“I never meant to hurt you. You’ve got to believe me.” Though he couldn’t regret their night together. Not when it brought Jimmy into his life.
“Why did you do it? It’s not like I pushed you. I never even tried to take it there.” Her stare, normally so accusing these days, instead looked sincere and haunted as it searched his solemnly. “I would have never risked us.”
Tough as it was to deal with a drunk or angry Patty hurling insults his way, a conversation with a thoughtful, mournful Patty was so much harder. This Patty deserved an answer. Unfortunately, he didn’t really have one.
What she’d said was one hundred percent true. He had initiated something sexual between them—not her—and blaming the alcohol could only carry him so far. It gave him courage, for sure, but he knew what he was doing. He’d needed so much to feel normal again after finding Shawn dead, and Patty was like a salve on the open wounds of his heart.
“I did it because I loved you.”
She scoffed.
“You asked me, and I’m trying to answer you.” He raked fingernails over the thighs of his khakis. “I never wanted to be with anyone that way. But after a while, I wanted to want it. You were safe and beautiful, and I knew you loved me too. I thought if there was anyone in this world who it would be right with, it would be you.” The very idea of sharing something so intensely personal with someone he didn’t love and trust completely—it didn’t just leave him cold; it made his stomach churn.
Except with Robby.
“But you hated it,” she murmured.
“No!” Matt took her left hand in both of his. Some of her warmth had already disappeared. “I didn’t hate it.” But he’d known it was wrong. Known it from the moment her tongue brushed against his. He’d tried to tell himself it was because he was nervous, because it was his first time or because he was doing it wrong. He’d lied to himself.
His love for Patty might have been enough for a single spark, but it never ignited the fire he knew he should feel.
Meanwhile, with Robby, sparks were starting to shoot all over the place.
Patty groaned. “For future reference, I didn’t hate it isn’t exactly a glowing endorsement. Why won’t you just come out and admit you’re gay? Stop lying to yourself.”
Was that what he was doing?
It’s not like he spent his nights jerking off to gay porn or exchanging pictures of his privates with strangers online. Yes, he’d had a passing attraction to guys here or there, but the same was true with women. It just never held up to deeper scrutiny.
He closed his eyes, and Robby’s face wove itself into the darkness. His kiss echoed in his bones.
Almost never.
His tingle of attraction for Robby Jordan showed no signs of blinking out yet. In fact, the more they hung out, the harder it got to ignore. And after last night, he doubted he ever could.
His lips parted in an unbidden smile…and froze as Patty’s breath fanned across his cheek.
Chapter TEN
Robby
Robby squinted at the GPS on his phone as Siri’s version of a British man told him to turn right. A little warning would have been nice. He had no way of turning from the center lane.
He fumed. Something vaguely familiar about the neighborhood nagged at him, but he was too wired to give it much thought. Besides, directions had never been his strong suit.
“Please proceed to the route.” How could an automated voice sound sexy and judgmental at the same time?
Technically, it was possible Siri did warn him about the turn half a mile back. It usually did. His mind had been elsewhere, though.
Bailing on Matt this morning had been a mistake. He’d made up the thing about having errands to run, afraid to face the aftermath of their kiss. He’d only felt the overriding need not to be there when the guy woke up.
He’d driven to the animal shelter and spent the morning playing with dogs. The joy and unfettered love those pups gave settled him like nothing else could. No one wanted them; chances were, at least for some of them, his was the only attention or affection they would have in a day. It was humbling, heartbreaking, and affirming all at once. And it left absolutely zero time to wallow in his own insecurities.
But all good things had to come to an end. When the shelter closed for lunch, he had to go home and face the music.
The sofa had still held a trace of Matt’s cologne, but it had been the only sign the man had spent the night. He’d sat on the center cushion and hugged the throw-pillow to his chest, reliving each glorious minute of the night before.
Why had he bailed this morning?
Not because he didn’t want to see Matt, but because he didn’t want to see the look on his face when he regretted their kiss. Gracious, their kiss. He couldn’t get it out of his head, no matter how he tried to occupy his thoughts with other things. Because now he knew the texture of the man’s lips. The feeling of Matt’s surrender against him.
He craved more.
His lapse in self-con
trol could have ruined their friendship. He didn’t have it in him to wish it undone, but what if Matt did? What if they couldn’t go back and they couldn’t go forward?
Two hours of unproductive panicking later, he drove to face his fears. If Matt wanted to blow him off, the hit would be better coming outside of work. He would have time to process it alone, if he had to. It would be better than having to paste on a pretend smile to hide the disappointment in front of his friends.
Brick would burn the world if he thought someone had hurt him. It warmed his heart, but he didn’t want Matt to face his buddy’s wrath over a little awkward regret.
“Please proceed to the route.” Siri’s inflection didn’t change, but it sure felt like the phone was fussing at him.
“I’m going.” Gripping the wheel, he turned into a gas station parking lot to reorient himself and get back on track. The bar was just two more minutes away.
Without any other navigational drama, he found the place and parked. Cars packed the parking lot, but with Closing Time in a strip mall, there was no telling which business had the lion’s share of the customers. Hopefully, Matt wouldn’t be too busy.
Robby dropped the visor and gave himself a once-over in the mirror. He needed a haircut; his mom would be aghast at how his bangs kept falling into his eyes. Brushing his long locks back with his hands, he checked one side of his face, then the other—for what, he didn’t know. He looked like himself. It wasn’t like Matt would care anyway.
He closed the visor with a snap.
This was ridiculous.
The idea didn’t stop him from practicing his smile as he climbed out. Not too big; he didn’t want to look like a shark. Maybe a smirk. No—a lopsided grin. Everyone loved a lopsided grin.
Now, what to say?
“Hey, buddy, long time no see.”
Lame.
“Fancy meeting you here.”
Lamer.
“I heard you were the guy to see about some Rum Punch.”