by Jen Davis
Honestly, he’d never imagined he’d ever fall in love. Find a person who filled his heart and made his body come alive. That dream had seemed a million miles away, but with Robby, it had become a reality. And now, like he had with his other dreams, he would have to let it go.
Because he wouldn’t—he couldn’t—lose his little boy. He wouldn’t abandon Jimmy the way his father had abandoned him.
Even if it meant ripping his heart from his body.
Matt didn’t move, didn’t speak.
A full minute passed as he stood there, reeling. Then, he threw up all over his shoes.
Chapter TWENTY-SIX
Robby
Robby squeezed his clasped fingers together as he knelt on his living room carpet and sent up a prayer of thanksgiving. Not only had he gotten Brady into a room at the Q-Center, at least three other rooms had occupants when he left tonight.
He’d barely rose to his feet before a battering knock shook his front door. His first thought, even after all these years, was maybe John had finally found out what he’d done and had come to collect. It rooted him to the floor.
“Robby!” Matt’s voice echoed from outside.
Some of Robby’s tension eased, and he drifted over to answer.
Matt’s shoulders hunched forward as he stepped into the living room. His hands were crammed deep into his pants pockets.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” An emptiness swirled around the words as Matt forced them out.
“What are you—”
“I met Parker this weekend.” Matt bit his lip. “Old friend of yours?”
Robby sank into a chair. “Yes.” Where was this going? It couldn’t be good.
“He said some pretty awful things. To me and to Patty.” Matt pulled his hands from his pockets and flexed his fingers at his sides. “Did you have sex for money?”
The question hit him harder than Matt’s fist ever could have. “Not exactly. I mean—”
The sad shake of his lover’s head stopped him mid-sentence. “He said you fucked people in front of an audience, Rob. Went to sex parties.” His voice grew duller with each word. “He talked about the cocaine. I guess it was your drug of choice.”
Robby buried his head in his hands. This couldn’t be happening. “I can explain. It all happened a long time ago. I told you.”
Matt dropped down to the sofa and laced his fingers together. “You told me you’ve been through some stuff.” He kept his voice low even as his words betrayed his distress. “I thought you meant you had an asshole boyfriend or two, like the guy who showed up at the site. Or maybe you had to live on ramen noodles for a while. I had no idea it was anything like this.”
He squeezed his eyes closed. “I knew about the drugs, or at least your struggle with addiction. But the sex club I didn’t see coming.” When he blinked, his haunted gaze locked with Robby’s. “I don’t care about your past. I love you no matter what, but he was talking about you snorting up and tag teaming guys in front of Patty.”
Tag-teaming? The only time he’d ever done anything like that was when John had sent him out with Harry for the night. When Harry had invited over a group of his friends, all as single-mindedly focused on their own pleasure as their host, all as happy to treat Robby like a fuck-toy to use and discard.
Even high as a kite, it had been the worst night of his life and the last night of Harry’s.
Well. Here it was. At the end of it all, Matt was just like everyone else. He saw the real Robby and wanted nothing to do with him. He only wanted the idea of him. The construct. Or at least, he needed a different kind of guy to parade in front of his ex.
Robby wouldn’t let it hurt. No.
No one—nothing—would have the power to hurt him again.
Rage bubbled hot beneath his skin and he sprang to his feet. “You want to know if I’ve fucked more than one guy at a time? Yeah, Matt, I did. Though you don’t have to worry. I’ve been tested, and I’m clean. I wouldn’t have screwed you otherwise. I fucked for money, though, and food and a place to sleep at night. I did enough coke to give myself nosebleeds.”
Years of fury shook him to his core, and in long strides, he crowded Matt back against the wall. “You want to know what else I did, you perfect fucking bastard? I slit a man’s throat. I prayed to God to strike him dead, and when He didn’t, I did it myself, and I’ve never regretted it a day in my life.”
Matt reeled back, like the words struck a physical blow. “You don’t mean that.” He shook his head, banishing the idea. “This isn’t you. I know you. But Patty doesn’t. And you were back at that awful place tonight. Tonight, Rob.”
“I was doing outreach for the Q-Center.”
“She won’t care. She’ll take Jimmy, Rob. I can’t live without my son.”
“I’d never ask you to.” Robby faltered then, the reality of what was happening nearly taking him to his knees. “You’re breaking up with me.”
“I don’t want to. God knows, I love you. But—”
“Just go.” He wouldn’t beg. He’d done enough begging for scraps in his life; he would never do it again. Broken deeper than he ever believed possible, he turned his back on the man he thought he finally found forever with. “I won’t even make you say the words. I know what your son means to you. But I need you to leave now. It hurts too much to look at you.”
***
In his bedroom, Robby waited until he heard the slam of his front door before he pulled his shirt over his head. Woodenly, he tugged open the drawer to his nightstand and dug out the shiny silver blade singing to him with promises of peace.
In a way, he could thank Parker for this. After all, it was the very razorblade he’d left on the table at John’s place the first time he’d brought over cocaine. And Harry.
After what he’d endured that night, the icy hot sting on his arm had barely hurt at all. It grounded him, entranced him, comforted him.
He turned the blade over in his hands, remembering the last time he’d made a cut with a razor just like this one. Not on himself, but on Harry. There’d been so much blood. And by some miracle, the cops called it a suicide. No one—not even John—even considered the possibility Robby could’ve ended the bastard’s life.
Just a little of Harry’s own GHB in his drink. A cut to the throat and to both wrists. He’d bled out in less than five minutes.
Robby packed up his things and moved out of John’s apartment the same night, and no matter how scared or hopeless or alone he felt, he’d never cut himself again. He’d never even taken it out of the drawer once he put it inside. Not once. Not until now.
***
Matt
This can’t be happening.
Matt stared at the steering wheel of his car, willing the events of the past twenty-four hours to unmake themselves. Nothing he’d ever felt could compare to the hope and pure joy coursing through him in the parking lot the night before.
He finally knew what it meant to love someone and to be loved in return. The soul-deep connection they wrote songs, wrote poetry about. The kind of love that made you stand outside someone’s window with a fucking boom box playing a Peter Gabriel song.
But can you love someone you don’t even know?
The answer stuck in his throat as Robby’s words about killing a man echoed in his head. He shut the memory down, wrenched his body out of the seat, and stomped the short distance to the apartment door. He knew Robby, even if he didn’t know every detail of his past. But it didn’t matter.
He knocked with desperation, sending pain radiating through his knuckles.
The door flew open, and he stumbled into Patty, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face into the crook of her neck. The scent of her favorite soap grounded him in familiar comfort.
She allowed the embrace for a moment, even returning it briefly before she pulled him inside and onto the couch. “Aw, Matty.” She held both of his hands in hers. “I’m so sorry.”
The truth of her words echoed in the since
rity of her voice and the sadness in her eyes. It pulsed through the connection they’d shared for so many years. All she’d had to do was look at him, and she knew he needed her.
“Everything Parker said was true, Pat, about the club. It was as awful as he described—and Robby was there.” He choked on the last words.
Patty nodded her understanding. “How long ago?”
He pulled away from her and covered his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Tonight. I know it won’t matter to you…I know this looks bad, but Robby’s a good guy. The stuff he did before? He’s different now. He’s clean.”
She pulled his arms down to reveal his face. “You can’t know that. I told you, no excuses. I just can’t have that shit around Jimmy. Drugs killed Shawn. Finding him like you did…what if Jimmy ever stumbled on something like that?”
“Oh, I know.” He laughed darkly. “I’m still not over it. I won’t get over this either, losing Robby. But I deserve it, right? After the way I hurt you.”
Patty groaned. “It’s not the same thing.” She sighed. “You didn’t lie to me, Matty. I lied to myself. And when I didn’t get what I wanted, I acted like a spoiled child. I hurt you. I hurt myself. I see it now. This isn’t about hurting you, though. It’s about protecting him.”
He could only stare at the growing resolve on her face.
“I am so…deeply ashamed of the way I’ve treated you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A tear trickled down her cheek. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m really am over the idea of us, together. I just want to be your friend again.”
“You’ll always be my friend,” he murmured, wiping the moisture from her cheek with his thumb.
“I got all jealous over the idea of your guy meeting Jimmy because I was afraid I’d waited too long to get my shit together—and maybe the two of you would end up wanting to raise Jimbo without me. I don’t care if you’re gay, but I hate seeing you so hurt right now.”
He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight. “When I saw him tonight, the things he said—”
He was hurt…lashing out.
“I broke his heart, Patty. Broke my own.” His eyes burned as Robby’s viscous words replayed in his head.
Words he would take with him to his grave.
Even from the man’s own mouth, he couldn’t believe they were true.
He wanted to beg Patty to see Robby through his eyes. To believe Robby was clean. But Parker’s threats were too damn effective. The guy would just trot out his so-called witnesses to destroy any inroads Matt managed to make. And he’d lose his son.
So instead, Matt embraced his misery and let the magnitude of the loss sink in. He wasn’t only losing his lover, but his best friend—at home and on the job.
“How am I going to face him at work? It hurts so much.” Patty’s hair tickled his cheek as he rested it on the top of her head. “I need this job. The bartending thing won’t be enough to make ends meet.”
They sat in silence a moment before she spoke. “Talk to your boss. See if you can get on another crew. It’s a big company, hon. You’ve got nothing to lose.”
True. It already felt like he’d lost everything.
***
I’ve got nothing to lose.
Saying the words in his head didn’t calm his anxiety as he waited in the lobby of the company’s main office the next morning. He’d arrived at the same time as the receptionist, hoping he could get in early for a face-to-face with Mike Cooper. Though he knew the man’s sister better at this point, Amanda would have more questions about Robby and their relationship than he wanted to answer.
Mike probably had no idea they’d even started dating. Maybe. Hopefully.
“Matt, what a surprise to see you here.” Amanda stood over the uncomfortable chair where he waited. Jared Berringer flanked her right side.
Shifting in his seat, he nodded to the developer before answering. “Just waiting to talk to Mike.”
She wrapped her hand around his forearm and pulled him up. “Sorry. My brother is home with a sick baby. Come back to my office. I’m sure I can help.”
He hesitated a moment but then allowed her to pull him toward the back. Explaining why he didn’t want to talk to her would only make things worse. When Jared took the seat beside him, though, he reconsidered once again.
Amanda faced him from behind her glass and chrome desk. “I think I know why you’re here.”
One look at her face ruled that out immediately. If she knew how things had gone down with Robby, she would not be smiling.
“Robby talked to us already.” Jared folded his hands on his lap. “I honestly wasn’t sure about the suggestion at first, but he did make some good points.”
He could only blink in confusion.
Amanda flashed an encouraging smile. “I had no idea you were even interested in architecture, but I thought about it, and it could really serve Cooper in the long run to have a dedicated architect on our team.”
“What did Robby propose…exactly? You know I don’t have my degree yet—”
“He showed us some of your sketches and designs. Impressive,” Jared said briskly. “He said you only have two classes left. If they really are just electives like he told us, you should be able to get the internship applied to those credits.”
“I’m sorry. What internship?”
“Aww.” Amanda exchanged a look with the developer. “Was this all a surprise?” She chuckled. “When Robby showed us some of the plans you’ve been drawing up on the builds, he told us some of your situation. He proposed an internship for you with Berringer. We’ll continue to keep you on payroll here at Cooper, while you intern with Jared’s team over the summer.”
“Once you have your degree in August,” Jared confirmed, “you’ll work with us on your IDP.”
He couldn’t get his license without getting through the Intern Development Program. More than five thousand experience hours to help put what he learned in school to practical use.
“Cooper will pay a portion of your salary, and you’ll also be a liaison between the companies while you’re there.” Amanda dug a small stack of papers from a manila folder on her desk. “Of course, you’ll have to sign a contract. This is a big commitment for all of us. Do you need some time to think about it? Do you have any questions?”
A dozen. When had Robby planned this? How could the man be so thoughtful and wonderful and so completely impossible to have in his life?
How could he keep going without seeing his smile and kissing his lips?
So many questions. But in the end, he only asked one. “When can I start?”
Chapter TWENTY-SEVEN
Robby
The next few days passed like a foggy bad dream. Xander hadn’t blinked an eye when he’d agreed to allow Robby’s last-minute request to take the week of vacation he’d earned.
Of course, he didn’t tell his boss the truth about why he needed the time, or at least, not the whole truth. He said he wanted to focus on his volunteer work and some personal stuff.
For sure, he did go to the Q-Center every day and N.A. meetings every night. Sometimes, he stayed, drinking burnt coffee with Thomas, until he could barely keep his eyes open. Anything to avoid the emptiness and the shadows at his apartment.
Just being at home brought his awful confrontation with Matt back into focus, and that night had done enough damage already. So, he tried to be useful to other people. By picking up some beds with Paul for the new recruits. By helping Vin study for finals. By convincing Brady he didn’t need to crawl back to his ex and beg forgiveness.
It kept the demons at bay.
His phone chirped, and though he wanted desperately to ignore it, he tugged it out of his pocket and checked the screen.
Brick: We miss you at work. Come by the house tonight for dinner.
Nope. He couldn’t face them yet. Couldn’t explain why his grand love affair was over before it barely had time to start.
Robby: Can’t tonight. But I’ll
be back before you know it.
Brick: Still celebrating Matt’s big news? I get it. Just don’t forget about us.
Big news? The pull to ask warred with fear he should already know.
Brick: Why didn’t you tell us he was going to work at Berringer? Liv would’ve thrown him a party or something. She loves any reason to celebrate.
Ah. The internship. He’d forgotten about his pitch to Amanda and Jared last week. Damn. Was it only last week? It felt like a lifetime ago. At least he wouldn’t have to look Matt in the eye when he went back to work.
Robby: I’m at the center. GTG. See you soon.
He sank on the sofa, grateful the place resembled a ghost town this afternoon. The idea of facing anyone while he felt like this—well, maybe God was finally giving him a reprieve.
“I know Robby’s working today.” Paul’s voice echoed from the other side of the door, linking to the new add-on.
Who would be here to see him?
The answer slapped him across the face.
Paul entered the room with two men following behind him. Two men he never expected to see again for the rest of his life. Ephraim and Travis Jordan. His father and big brother.
As he caught sight of Robby, Paul greeted him with a wave. “Hey, son, these folks say they’re here to see you.”
Seeing his family knocked the wind out of him. Years of conditioning had him scrambling to his feet as his father approached.
“You couldn’t just stay dead and buried, could you?” Disgust dripped from his father’s voice, almost exactly as it had the last time they spoke. It burned like acid, even after all this time.
“What are you doing here, Dad?”
His father stopped his advance and squared his jaw. “Don’t you call me your sire, boy. You’re no son of mine.”