by Karly Lane
He had no idea how long he’d sat in his car, but he’d almost jumped through the roof when someone had tapped on his window, snapping him out of the flashback. Tommo had opened the car door and talked him down, taking him up to the office where he and Richie had tried to arrange for him to see a doctor. That’s when he’d started yelling at them—his mates, men he’d respected and fought beside for too long to remember. They’d issued him with an ultimatum: either get help or they’d reconsider their partnership. He couldn’t believe they were being so irrational over some weird, uncharacteristic brain snap. He’d had all kinds of excuses: he hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before, he wasn’t eating properly, the business was stressful … but then on New Year’s Eve it had all come to a head and he’d almost killed Griffin. He’d limped back to Brisbane, like a dog with its tail between its legs, and asked for help.
Since then he’d been seeing doctors and counsellors and had joined a support group for returned servicemen and women, finding the help he needed. He wasn’t out of the woods yet—he still had times when he oscillated between anger and depression—but he had the tools and, more importantly, the contacts to get through the worst of it without doing any damage—to himself or anyone else. He understood things a lot better now—things he hadn’t wanted to examine or think about before.
The only thing he hadn’t completely dealt with was Cash. He and Griff had spoken a few times since the wedding, and while things weren’t completely sorted between them, he thought they’d cleared the air of a lot of stuff that’d been hanging over their heads. Linc thought a lot of Griff’s resentment stemmed from something else; he wasn’t convinced he’d been the sole reason for his brother’s bad mood over the Christmas break. But Griff would have to sort out his own demons—Linc had enough of his own to worry about just now.
Walking away from Cash had been so much harder than he’d anticipated. He’d been desperate to get away from Stringybark, from the faces of his family who were looking at him like he was some kind of stranger. On reflection, they probably hadn’t been looking at him like that, but that’s what he’d seen through his fog of guilt and shame. He hadn’t been able to stand the idea of Cash looking at him with the same disappointed disgust he was feeling for himself. So he’d left.
He hadn’t stopped thinking about her though. He couldn’t if he tried. She was the last thing he thought about at night and the first thing he thought of when he woke up. He knew part of his decision to take the PNG job was to stop himself doing something stupid like going off to find her and begging her to take him back. There was no way she would after what had happened—he was certain about that.
Cash had no idea how Linc would react to her showing up on his doorstep like this, but she knew she couldn’t leave without trying to see him. She was anxious and jittery, not sure whether to stay in the hotel and wait to see whether he turned up, or to go out sightseeing and risk missing him. She decided she needed some exercise to calm her nerves.
The cool water of the sparkling hotel pool washed over her heated skin as she dove beneath the surface, and for a moment all sounds were muffled by a cocooning silence. After exhausting herself doing lap after lap, Cash rested her folded arms along the side of the pool and closed her eyes, enjoying the afternoon sunshine on her face.
Eventually a cloud came across and blocked the light and Cash reluctantly opened her eyes, only to find someone standing above her, their bone-coloured trousers filling her vision. Startled, she lifted her gaze higher, taking in the olive-green polo shirt with Standby stamped across the pocket and finally coming to rest on the unreadable expression of the face she’d dreamed about for months.
For a moment they both simply stared at each other, Cash busy drinking in the sight of him greedily, while Linc seemed to be waiting, his body held rigid, watching her.
Cash swallowed past a dry lump in her throat. ‘Hello, Linc.’
His head tilted slightly, and for a moment Cash didn’t think he was going to say anything.
‘What are you doing here, Cash?’ he finally asked.
‘I could ask you the same thing,’ she said, recovering her wits at his unexpected appearance.
‘I work here,’ he told her bluntly.
‘Or are you hiding?’
His face tightened and he folded his arms across his chest as he glared at her, unamused by the remark. ‘I don’t have to explain myself, Cash. Now what are you doing here?’
Cash narrowed her gaze at his closed body language, deciding that the best form of defence was a good offence, and pushed herself up and out of the pool, streaming water onto the warm concrete beneath her feet. She saw his eyes darken slightly as his gaze took a quick tour of her bikini-clad body before he focused them once more on her face. Good, she thought, he isn’t completely immune to me then. Cash leaned over and snagged her towel off the sun lounge, patting her face dry. ‘Griff came to see me. Your parents are worried about you, Linc.’
‘My parents don’t need to worry. I’ve told them that.’
‘Well, it mustn’t have convinced them.’
‘So they thought sending you over here would be a good idea?’
That stung a bit more than she might have anticipated. Cash hid the hurt his remark caused, dropping the towel onto the lounge and placing her hands on her hips to face him. ‘I guess they’re just that desperate. I did warn them that you wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say—after all, it was only sex to pass the time, and I was just another notch in your belt, right?’ She turned away from him to slip on her shoes and pick up her towel.
Screw Griff and his emotional blackmail. She didn’t need to be put through this rejection all over again. ‘Call your parents, Linc. They deserve that much.’ She didn’t look back; she was too angry at herself for having held on to the tiny bit of hope seeing him again had brought. When would she ever learn?
She shut the door to her room and tossed the towel over the back of the chair, heading for the bathroom. A knock on the door stopped her mid-stride. Cash closed her eyes and thought about ignoring it. She didn’t want to hear Linc’s excuses. She didn’t want to put herself through that again. If only falling out of love was as easy as falling in love had seemed to be. The knocking came again, this time louder, and Cash gritted her teeth before opening it. ‘What?’
Linc seemed slightly taken aback by her aggressive tone but recovered quickly. ‘We haven’t finished our discussion,’ not waiting to be invited in before pushing past.
‘Oh please, come on in,’ she said, closing the door and turning to glare at him.
‘I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did.’
‘It’s not about what happened between us. I’m here to tell you your parents are worried sick about you and you need to get over yourself and call them.’
‘Get over myself?’
Cash sighed impatiently. ‘Okay, I know what you’ve been going through has been tough. I realise it would have taken you a long time to come to terms with what happened, and I’m fairly sure there’s been no miracle cure for post-traumatic stress, but you can’t shut out the people who love you. That’s not fair when all they’ve ever wanted to do was help you. They deserve to get a call now and then to say “hi”, so they’re reassured that you’re getting there. They don’t expect you to be a bouncing ray of sunshine, but they at least need to hear your voice and know that you’re doing okay.’
‘It’s taken most of this time to convince myself I was okay. I didn’t need the added pressure of trying to convince them as well.’
‘I can understand that it’s been hard, but they’ll handle the fact that it’s going to take time if you keep them posted.’
‘Yeah, I know.’ His shoulders slumped a little as he turned his head towards the view from her window. ‘It’s just hard you know,’ he said, glancing across at her. ‘They’ve always treated me like I was some big hero … then to have them discover that I’m not … I tried to tell them … I guess I just
can’t face their disappointment.’
‘What happened was not a weakness. It was a result of being too strong for too long. I wish you could see your family from the outside, like I can. Your parents would move mountains for any of their kids. There is nothing you could do to make them disappointed.’
‘Look,’ he said, turning back to face her, ‘I came up here to tell you you were wrong.’ At her raised eyebrow he continued, ‘You were never just sex to pass the time or a notch on my anything,’ he told her, holding her gaze with a glare that almost dared her to look away. ‘It happened so fast that I couldn’t think past what was going on with Griff and everything that was going on with me … I didn’t mean to make you feel as though you meant nothing.’
Cash felt her throat tighten at the low, earnest tone of his voice, before forcing a blasé shrug, ‘We both knew what it was going in.’
‘Yeah, we did, only somewhere along the line it all got a bit blurry. I wanted to ask you to move to Brisbane with me, but I heard Savannah’s call about wanting you to stay. I was still working out how to ask you when everything blew up in my face.’
He had wanted her to move in with him? A little leap of joy caught her off guard.
‘It was always more than just a bit of fun.’
‘Was,’ she said softly and held her breath as she saw his eyes darken.
Before she could blink, he swooped down and caught her lips in a swift, urgent kiss. There was nothing gentle about it, it was almost desperate, and she reacted in kind. All the months of hurt and pain she’d lived with after he’d left burst out of her in an almost frenzied response. He walked her backwards until she was up again the wall, moulding herself to his body. His hands held her head and the kiss became deeper. God, she’d missed him. Cash’s hands impatiently went to his shirt, tugging it free from his trousers. She ran her hands up his sides and around his back, her nails scraping gently and sparking a shiver through his body that made her smile against his lips.
With a grunt, Linc pulled away slightly and rid himself of his shirt, before lifting her, holding her bikini clad backside in his hands as she wrapped her legs around his waist. They fell to the bed, lips locked as hands moved to undo buttons and remove excess clothing.
Later, they both lay panting as they stared up at the ceiling.
‘I swear, I wasn’t intending on that happening when I followed you up here,’ he said, breaking the quiet of the room a few moments later. He rolled his head sideways to look at her. ‘But I’m sure glad it did.’
Thirty-three
‘It was a long way to come just to pass on a message from Griff,’ he said a little while later, toying with her fingers as he held her hand.
‘I had no plans to be anywhere else,’ she said casually, which made him lift his gaze to hers.
‘Is that the only reason you came here?’
He got a smug sense of satisfaction when she couldn’t hold his look. A little spark of hope began to flicker inside him.
‘I guess I wanted to see for myself that you were okay,’ she admitted.
‘I missed you, Cash.’
‘Really?’ she said curtly. ‘Is that why I heard from you all those times since you left?’
The spark flickered and died away. ‘I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.’
‘Seriously?’ she said, removing her hand from his. ‘You didn’t think I’d be just as worried about you as everyone else was, after everything we’d been through?’
‘I guess I just didn’t think you’d be too eager to see me after I’d left without a goodbye.’
‘So you just decided not to bother?’
‘I’d already agreed to come over here, I couldn’t change my mind.’
‘They don’t have phones?’ she said, sitting up and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.
God, she was still the most beautiful women he’d ever laid eyes on. He was briefly distracted by the intricate tattoos wrapped around her back and sides, before snapping himself out of it. ‘You’re right. I didn’t try hard enough.’ Another thing to add to his growing list of failings. ‘I know it sounds selfish, but I’ve been really trying to focus on getting my own shit together before I try to rebuild any of the other bridges I burned.’
She’d been draping the towel around her, tucking it in at the front as he spoke, but he saw her shoulders slump as he finished and he held his breath.
‘I know,’ she finally said, turning slightly to look at him. ‘And it’s not selfish. I think everyone realised you needed time to sort things out. I guess we all felt hurt that you didn’t think we’d understand.’
Linc sat up, rubbing the back of his neck as he let out a sigh. ‘I honestly didn’t consider how everyone else would take it. I was trying so hard just to get through each day.’
‘You need to see this from your family’s point of view too, Linc. They’re fixers. That’s what they do. Your dad can fix a broken tractor, mend a fence, patch up whatever’s broken around the farm,’ she said. ‘And your mum, she comforts everyone and tends to all the scrapes and scratches. They’re not used to standing by and watching while one of their kids is hurting. They’ve felt helpless.’
‘I understand that. I do,’ he said, looking at her steadily, ‘but I was in a really bad place. You feel all alone, even when you know you’re not. You lose yourself … It’s hard to explain to someone else when half the time you can’t even explain it to yourself.’
He saw her nod slowly and knew she was trying to understand. It was a bastard of a thing to deal with, and even though he’d come a long way in a relatively short time, he knew it was going to be a long road ahead. He’d have to work with it for the rest of his life. Linc got to his feet, not caring that he was naked, and saw her eyes widen a little as he moved towards her. ‘I really am sorry, Cash. I never meant to hurt you.’
Her eyes fixed upon his solemnly. ‘I know. And I’m glad you’ve been getting the help you needed. You look better … healthier.’
He’d been spending a lot of time outdoors since he got here. He’d taken up hiking and rock climbing and went on early morning runs—it all helped to keep his mind clear. He felt better mentally and physically than he had in years. ‘If I hadn’t been so busy ignoring all the warning signs, I could have saved everyone a lot of grief.’
He looked down at his arm, where she had gently placed her hand. ‘You’re getting help now, and that’s the main thing.’
‘I’m glad you’re here.’ He really had missed her, but he’d been so scared of rejection that he hadn’t let himself believe she would give him another shot. Yet here she was, and now he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’d do everything he could to make sure she stayed in his life. He couldn’t lose her again.
She seemed to hesitate at his words and his heart thudded in his chest. Maybe she didn’t feel the same way. Maybe he’d hurt her too badly for her to forgive him.
‘It was really good to see you again too, Linc,’ she said softly.
‘But?’ he asked, feeling his hopes sink like a rock.
‘But I don’t know,’ she shrugged. ‘I didn’t really think beyond finding you and giving you a serve about ignoring your family,’ she admitted with a half-smile. ‘I don’t really know where this could possibly go.’
‘Nothing’s changed since we were back in the Springs,’ he argued.
‘Everything’s changed, Linc,’ she said, shaking her head at him and stepping away. ‘You’re over here. It can’t work when we live in different countries. Living in Brisbane was one thing, this is something else entirely.’
‘I can’t leave straightaway, but I could work something out with the guys and we could find someone to take over for me.’
‘So this was only ever temporary?’ she asked.
‘The original plan was to be here for a couple of years until we’d established ourselves, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make a new plan now.’
‘Do you like it here?’
‘It has its challenges,’ he hedged.
‘But do you like it?’ she pushed.
‘Yeah, I like it. The country’s beautiful and the people are great … It has a lot of problems, but business-wise it’s the ideal place to have an office. We’re getting most of our client base from here and we’re gaining a pretty good reputation.’
‘That’s great,’ she said smiling.
‘But that doesn’t mean I have to be here.’ Although being the only one out of the three not married with children, it made sense that he be the one to uproot his life and move overseas. Still, they could work something out—he was sure of it.
‘Yes, it does, Linc,’ she corrected. ‘You need stability in your life right now, and your partners have been more than understanding so far, but I’m pretty sure they would take a dim view of rearranging everything just so you can be with some woman.’
‘She isn’t some woman,’ he said, tugging on her hand to make her look up at him. ‘She’s my woman. The woman I’m in love with.’ He saw her swallow hard and stare at him and he held his breath. ‘Stay here with me, Cash,’ he said quietly. ‘You said once before you could find work anywhere, or don’t work—it doesn’t worry me—but just stay.’
The woman I’m in love with, Linc had said and Cash felt her throat close up at his words. It was still there—everything she’d felt for this man before the whole wedding fiasco had torn them apart was still there. She’d felt the chemistry the moment she’d glanced up and seen him by the edge of the pool. She hadn’t expected that to have faded, but it was the other emotions, the ones not connected to his raw sex appeal, that had momentarily stolen her breath away. The realisation that she still loved him, and that hollow, empty feeling inside at the thought of saying goodbye to him. This was what she’d really come here for, besides passing on Griff’s message—to see if she’d somehow imagined everything that had happened between them. If she got here and felt nothing, then she’d at least be able to walk away and know she could start someplace all over again. If she felt something, then … well, she hadn’t quite known what would happen if that were the case. She hadn’t been overly confident in predicting Linc’s reaction.