His sophomore year was the last Christmas I’d spent with my family. I’d been so fragile after the initial infertility diagnosis, then the surgery shattered what little was left holding me together. I had such little hope left at that point, even though we hadn’t yet tried IVF. I hadn’t even wanted to see anyone for Christmas, but Danny put his foot down. That was the beginning of his frustration with me, but it certainly wasn’t the end.
“What happened?” I asked, squeezing his arm.
His eyes turned glassy, and I leaned my head on his shoulder in silent support. My little brother was taller than me now, so it was the best I could do. I hated that whatever happened between him and Kara had hurt him so deeply.
“She left.”
“You guys broke up?” I asked, uncertain as to what he meant.
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” He kicked at the gravel. “I guess so. One day everything was fine. We graduated, spent the summer together…we had plans that included each other. They always included each other.” He furrowed his eyebrows as if he still didn’t understand what had gone wrong. I could relate, sort of. Danny and I always had plans that included each other, only I knew what went wrong. I went wrong. “Then one day she was gone,” he added solemnly.
“She left without saying anything?” I frowned. That didn’t seem right.
He nodded. “We were living together. I bought a small house on Cedar with my inheritance.” My siblings and I each got a modest inheritance from our grandparents, our mom’s parents, when they’d passed away. “It wasn’t much, but it was enough for us. She loved it. At least, I thought she did. She’d gone to school for photojournalism and got a spot on the paper with Dad and Melissa. It was low level, she wouldn’t let me call in any favors because she wanted to earn her way, but she was proud of it and I was proud of her.” He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “We were happy, Jess. We weren’t living the American Dream just yet, but we were getting there. I was going to propose to her on our four-year anniversary. Then one day I went home, and she was gone. All her things, every trace of her…just gone.”
“Have you heard from her since?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Not one word,” he said as he looked away from me and tried to discretely wipe his eyes. “I called her parents, even showed up at their house. They said she was abroad, took some assignment from a travel magazine or something.”
“Is that true?” I asked.
“No,” he scoffed. “She was terrified of flying. She never would have traveled overseas. Not even by boat.”
I blew out a breath. “I’m so sorry, Michael. I should have been here for you.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “You should have. And you should have let us be there for you, too.”
“You’re right,” I nodded. We stood in silence for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts…in our own losses…before I finally broke the silence. “How about we do something tonight, just me and you?” I asked, hopeful he’d say yes.
“What do you have in mind?” he asked cautiously.
“I think having a few drinks with my baby bro might be just what Dr. Todd ordered…for both of us.”
“Dr. Todd?”
“My shrink.”
His eyes widened briefly at that little factoid, then he nodded. “Yeah, I think drinks sound good.”
“Are you still on Cedar?” I asked softly, not wanting to upset him if he’d moved away from the home he and Kara had created.
“Yeah…I couldn’t bring myself to leave.”
In case she came back. He didn’t have to say it, I knew. It’s the same reason I stayed in the townhouse months after Danny had moved out. After we separated and eventually divorced. I think some part of me hoped he might come back and wanted him to be able to find me if he did. He never came back, though. And, apparently, neither did Kara.
“Text me your address. I’ll meet you at your place and we’ll walk together to The Bar.” Yes…The Bar. We lived in that town. The Bar and The Diner. That’s where it ended, though. The rest of the establishments in our small town were named after their founders or Oak River itself. “You got a couch your big sister can crash on after she drinks too much?” I asked, picking up my purse off the hood and walking around to the driver’s side of my car.
Michael grabbed the clipboard before he tucked his large frame into the passenger seat. “I’ll do you one better,” he said as we buckled up. “I’ve got a guest bedroom. You can sleep on a bed.”
“Sounds perfect.” I said with a smile, happy the tension that was between us finally dissolved.
- 9 -
The Bar was standing room only. Since it was Friday night, and The Bar was the only location for nightlife in Oak River, it was to be expected. As planned, I’d driven to Michael’s house and we walked over together. There was a Cheers-like atmosphere, and everyone seemed to know Mikey’s name. Fortunately, no one seemed to recognize me, not yet anyway, so I was able to avoid any awkward pleasantries. The crowd seemed young—or younger than me, rather—guys Mikey’s age and maybe students from the nearby university. It was probably why I wasn’t approached.
Michael got us each a beer, and we found an open spot to stand in the back near the pool tables. I liked the position because it gave me an unobstructed view of the entire space—not that it was all that big. The Bar was a typical, small town, hole-in-the-wall establishment. It was maybe two thousand square feet with the bar resting along one long wall, two pool tables lining the other, a small stage for live bands and karaoke nights in the back with a tiny dance floor in front of it, and a few high-top tables scattered throughout. Everything was wooden, from the stained floors to the bar top to the paneled walls. There were a few dart boards hanging here and there, and the jukebox in the corner flashed a rainbow of colors in the otherwise brown space.
I could count on one hand the amount of times I’d been in The Bar. I turned twenty-one while in college, so most of the bars I’d gone to had been in the city. Danny and I had stopped in once or twice when we were home for the holidays to catch up with friends, but we spent most of our time with our families on our short trips to Oak River. Plus, I’d cut out alcohol when we started trying to conceive and, subsequently, bars. Now that I was back home, I’d probably spend more time at The Bar, so I’d better get used to it. Classic rock tunes blasted from the jukebox, and I found myself starting to relax, bopping my head to the beat.
“Well, look at what the cat dragged in,” Michael said suddenly.
I followed his stare and startled as my eyes landed on our older brother, Bryan. Melissa was right behind him.
“Hey, sibs!” she called out, raising her hands in the air and swinging her jean-clad hips to the beat of the Bob Seger song that was playing.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked, leaning in to give each of them a hug. I couldn’t remember the last time the four of us all hung out together. It definitely wasn’t in a bar, since this was my first time out drinking with Mikey.
“A birdie told me you and Mikey were having a night out on the town, so I called up Bry and we decided to crash your party.”
A birdie we all fondly knew as Mom, undoubtedly. I looked over to Michael who didn’t seem bothered at all and shrugged. “The more the merrier. I’m glad you guys came. Can I get you guys a beer? Should we do a pitcher now that there’s more of us?” I wondered aloud.
“Blech,” Melissa said. “I don’t drink that crap. I’ll go get myself a cocktail.”
“Bry?” I asked.
“I’m Melissa’s D.D.” He shrugged with a small smile. He was leaning against the wall beside Michael with his arms crossed. His large build and don’t mess with me stance, along with his black t-shirt, jeans, and black boots made him look like a bouncer or a bodyguard. It was hard to believe that guy dressed in a suit most days and worked in a stuffy office.
“Oh, you guys should just walk with us back to Mikey’s and crash there. That’s what I’m doing.”
“Inviting people to my house,
Jess?” Michael smarted off, making me roll my eyes.
“You can invite yourself over to my house whenever you want,” I offered in return.
Michael bent forward, laughing so hard he snorted. “Right. That place should be condemned.”
I frowned. “That wasn’t very nice. That place is going to be my home.”
“I know, I’m just picking on you. You’re such an easy target. I’ll help make your house a home.”
His words warmed my heart. There was no greater feeling in the world than being part of my family again. I couldn’t help but think how my emotional journey could have been so much different had I stayed in contact with my family and let them help me heal. Or if I had just let Danny in when he’d tried to break through my walls. Instead, I pushed everyone away and ended up even more alone than I’d been before.
My siblings and I chatted about everything and nothing. Bryan stayed the dutiful designated driver and didn’t have so much as a drop of alcohol. Michael, Melissa, and I, on the other hand, got completely inebriated. I couldn’t remember the last time I let loose and had fun. I was laughing at all the jokes—whether they were funny or not—and it had to be said, Michael’s jokes were never funny.
I was just straightening myself up after being folded over in laughter from Mikey’s latest, when I felt that slow buzz in my veins—and I’m not talking about the buzz of the booze, I was long past that point. This was different. A hum. An awareness. This was him.
In my intoxicated state, I didn’t seem to care that we were divorced, that I didn’t know how to speak around him anymore, or that the mere sight of him could cause me to have a nervous breakdown. I just wanted a glimpse. Just a quick glimpse at Danny, and maybe a whiff, too. He smelled so good, and I missed him so, so much.
My eyes darted wildly across the crowded bar, and like a magnet drawn to another magnet, or a great big piece of metal—or something—my eyes found his. He was watching me with that same sad smile he’d been wearing at The Diner. I hated that I put that sad smile on his sad face again. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to hug him and smell him and—
“Whoa, where do you think you’re going?” Bryan asked as he pulled me back into our little circle by one of the belt loops on my jeans.
“I was just—” I trailed off when I saw the sympathetic look in Bryan’s eyes. He knew what I was trying to do. I’d probably have to thank him when I was sober—if I remembered. “I screwed everything up. I made him sad. I made all you sad. All because I was sad. I’m an asshole.”
Bryan pulled me into his chest just as the first sob broke free. It’s a good thing he did, too, because it was loud, even muffled by his shirt. He rubbed my back and shushed me as I cried; I wrapped my arms tightly around my big brother. I was so damn emotional all of a sudden.
I’m an emotional drunk! That was something I’d never known about myself.
“She’s fine…I don’t think that’s a good idea…thanks, we’ve got her…” I couldn’t hear the voice of whomever Bryan was talking to, but I could only imagine that it was one person. My one person. I wanted to pick up my head and look, but there was one tiny drop of self-preservation that I hadn’t cried out left in my repertoire, and it told me to stay put. So I nestled deeper into Bryan’s chest and closed my eyes.
- 10 -
“It’s a cookie!”
“No, it’s a meatball.”
“Pizza!”
Dad turned away from the white board and rolled his eyes at his team. I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to yell the right answer at them, but if he spoke, he forfeited his turn. That was how we played Pictionary when the Thompson’s came over for family game night.
Mr. Thompson returned to the living room with a beer in each hand, one for him and one for my dad. “American Pie,” he said as he sat down, setting the bottles on coasters.
Dad spun around and pointed at Mr. T. “Yes!” He walked over to the couch and they high-fived each other.
Did I mention that we played different themes each week? That week was movies.
“All right, girls. We got this,” Mrs. T said as she went up to the board for her turn. She pulled a postcard off the pile and read it. Then she grinned. Melissa, Mom, and I exchanged smiles. We were down by two points, but it was still early.
Bryan flipped the timer and yelled “go,” and Mrs. T began drawing.
First she drew a tall rectangle with a...a phone. It was a phone booth! “Phone booth!” I shouted. She turned and pointed at me, but kept drawing. A stick figure...a cape…
“Superman!” Melissa called out.
“Yes!” Mrs. T yelled, high-fiving all of us as she returned to her seat.
The guys all rolled their eyes. They had the worst sportsmanship on game night.
“Dan, you’re up,” Dad said.
Danny stood from his place on a beanbag seat on the floor and walked over to the cards, pulling one off the top. His shoulders slumped as he read the movie title and I knew it had to be one of the ones me and Melissa put in the pile. We always added movies that would be difficult to draw, especially if you didn’t know what it was about.
Melissa reached over and flipped the timer on the table, and Danny began to draw. He made a circle that sort of looked like a hamburger on its side, then added a line that looked like a string. Was it a yo-yo? I had no idea where he was going with that, then Melissa leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Ya-Ya.”
Laughter erupted from my chest and Danny glared at me. I immediately quieted down. He was trying to draw Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. It was a new movie in theaters, and when Melissa and I had seen the title, we knew we had to add it to game night.
The guys’ team guessed that it was a yo-yo, but they couldn’t figure the rest out before time ran out. We high-fived, and Danny glared as he returned to his seat.
It was my turn. I got up and picked a card from the middle of the deck. There was no rule on where we had to pick from, so I always picked from the middle.
I recognized Danny’s handwriting immediately. The movie was Coyote Ugly. I wanted to guess that he’d chosen that title because the girls all sucked at drawing animals, but little did he know, I could put a stick figure on a bartop and Melissa would get it right away. I smirked at him and he frowned. Game on.
Mikey flipped the timer and I got started. My bar was nothing more than a rectangular box with some stools in front of it. I drew some shelves behind the bar with bottles of alcohol on them. Then came the stick figure in a short skirt.
“Cocktail,” Mom yelled. Close, but not quite. Come on, Melissa.
“Road House.” I wasn’t even sure what Mrs. T was talking about.
“Oh!” Thatta girl, Mel. “Coyote Ugly!”
“Whoohoo!” I did a little dance on my way back to the couch. I was starting my second year of cheerleading, so I had a few moves. I caught Danny watching me shake my hips, and he wasn’t glaring. Hmm.
“All right, we need a tiebreaker.” Mom announced. When we had tiebreakers, each team drew the same thing and whichever team got it first won. If they guessed at the same time, or it was too close to determine, we did it again and again until we had a clear winner. We were a pretty competitive bunch.
Mom went against Mr. T in the first, and hopefully only, tiebreaker round. I had a good feeling about this.
They each looked at the card, then we counted to three as a group, and they began drawing. There was no timer during tiebreakers.
Mom drew a wavy line across her side of the board, then a boat. So it was a movie with a boat.
“Jaws?” I called out.
Mom shook her head, and kept drawing. There was now a person in the water beside the boat.
“Titanic?” One of the guys shouted. I looked at Mr. T’s drawing. It was similar to Mom’s.
Mom erased the boat and re-drew it under the water line. So it was a sunken ship, but it wasn’t Titanic. What other movies had a shipwreck? Mom drew something that looked like a t
ornado...but Twister didn’t make sense. Or Wizard of Oz. Could it be a storm? A storm that capsized the boat? Oh!
“The Perfect Storm!”
Mr. T groaned as Mom jumped up and down, clapping her hands.
“Girls rule, boys drool,” Melissa said to the other team, sticking out her tongue. Mom, Mrs. T, and I followed suit, sticking out tongues out at the guys.
When we were finished celebrating, we lined up and shook hands with the other team. It was kind of silly, but it was our parents’ way of making sure we all left game night on good terms. No grudges.
Danny and I were last in line, and when it was our turn, my breath caught as he leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “You did good, Jessie.” I shivered as his warm breath moved the loose tendrils of hair around my ear. Danny pulled back and grinned at me. He had the cutest smile. It was always a little crooked on the right side, like he was up to something.
And maybe he was.
He’d asked me out three days later.
“Does Michael have a cat?” I groaned, wishing I was back inside my dream of one of our fun family game nights, rather than lying in a strange bed with a horrible hangover.
“What? No. Why?” Melissa groaned back.
“Because I think his cat threw up in my mouth.”
“He doesn’t have a cat.”
“Was it you?”
“You’re so disgusting!” Melissa whined, hitting me in the head with her pillow. “No one threw up in your mouth, except maybe you.”
“Not so loud,” I whisper-hissed. My head was throbbing. My skull ached where the soft pillow had hit it, and I actually felt my pulse in my brain. Throb. Throb. Throb. I refused to open my eyes, instead keeping them clenched shut, so I had no idea what time it was.
“Maybe next time you won’t drink all the shots in the bar,” she said. Her smug tone irritated the crap out of me. If I remembered correctly, she was right by my side, feeding me those shots after…after I saw Danny and completely broke down. Like a fool.
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