“That’s great, babe,” he said, taking off his jacket and kicking off his shoes. I reached for the button on his jeans. “Hey,” he said, stopping my hands.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, frowning up at him.
“I just walked in the door, Jess.”
“So, can’t we be spontaneous?” I gave him a flirty smirk.
“Yeah, we can be spontaneous,” he said, smiling, but still holding my hands. “But it’s not really spontaneous when you tell me you’re ovulating and then want to have sex.”
“But there’s a very brief window of opportunity each cycle-”
“Yeah, I know,” he said, interrupting me. “You’ve told me every month for the last six months about that very small window. I get it, Jess. But I just walked in the door. I’ve been sitting in a horribly boring lecture for the past three hours, and before that I was teaching all day. Is it so much to ask that I’m able to come home a chill for a little while?”
“But-”
“I’m hungry,” he said, ignoring me and walking towards the kitchen.
“Danny...this could be it.”
“I read stuff online. There are blogs and articles that say we should just relax and let things happen naturally. They say that trying too hard can bring on stress and make it even more difficult to conceive.”
I read those same articles. I hated them. I got that same advice in the online baby groups I joined. Relax, it’ll happen. The biggest load of bullshit I’d ever heard.
He opened the refrigerator and pulled out the plate of baked chicken I’d saved for him. He pulled off the plastic wrap, ate a cold string bean, then put the plate in the microwave to reheat.
“Look, I think we should take a step back.”
“Take a step back?” I echoed, physically taking a step back, away from him. “But we want a family.”
“I know that, Jessica.”
“Do you not want to have a family anymore?” I felt tears prick behind my eyes. Was he changing his mind? Was it my fault because I wasn’t pregnant yet? We’d been trying for almost a year.
“Of course, I do,” he said, stepping around the kitchen island and pulling me into his chest. “I want nothing more than to have a small army of kids with you. But it’s gotten so mechanical, Jess. There’s no romance. No love. It’s becoming a chore, a duty.”
“Making love to me is a chore?” I asked, pulling out of his grasp.
“That’s not what I said. And we’re not even making love anymore, Jess. It’s like a damn science experiment. We’re trying all these positions because you read that they were good for some stupid reason or another. There’s no sweet talk or dirty talk, it’s like you’re directing the scene. ‘A little to the left. No, not there.’ It’s exhausting. Is it so much to ask that we just have fun? People get knocked up all the time by just having fun. Can’t we try that?”
Every word that came out of his mouth was like a stab directly into my heart...into my womb. Exhausting. Directing. Was I really that terrible? That mechanical?
“I’m sorry I’ve ruined our sex life. But if you recall, we were just having fun, as you put it, and nothing happened! That’s why I’ve started using the ovulation predictor kits and-”
“See? That! Ovulation Predictor Kits. That’s not sexy, Jess.”
“You’re right, Danny. It’s not sexy. It’s life. It’s our life. It’s what we have to do.”
“But we don’t have to do all that. Can’t you see? You want to do all that. But we don’t have to. We can just let it happen naturally.”
“But it wasn’t happening naturally!” I screamed.
He stared at me, open-mouthed. I’d never yelled at him before. He didn’t know what to say or do. Hell, I didn’t know what to say or do. I turned away from him and ran up the stairs to our bedroom. He didn’t call after me, he didn’t follow me.
I laid on our bed and waited. He never even came to bed. In the morning, I found him asleep on the couch with a pillow and blanket from the linen closet. So he hadn’t even just accidentally fallen asleep on the couch, he’d planned to sleep there.
My heart cracked.
What was happening to us?
“Hey there,” Danny said, bringing me back to the present.
I looked to the kitchen doorway, surprised to see him. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
He smiled that crooked smile. “Well, seeing as though this is my mom’s kitchen, shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”
“Probably so. I was out for a walk and stopped by to say hi to your mom. Your turn.”
“Mom texted me a few minutes ago, saying that she had pie. Now I’m pretty sure it was a set up.”
I knew it was a set up. I put a forkful of pie in my mouth. “It’s delicious.”
He cut a slice of pie for himself and sat across from me at the table. “Did you two have a nice visit?” he asked.
“We did,” I said, smiling.
“Will you have dinner with me?” he asked next, surprising me with his boldness.
“Like a date?”
“Yeah,” he said, nodding. Then he frowned. “No, not like a date. An actual date. A real date.”
I looked down at my pie. “I don’t know, Danny.”
“Please, Jess. Just think about it. You don’t have to answer me right away. Promise you’ll think about it?”
His brown eyes looked so hopeful, I couldn’t help but nod. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
His answering smile was big, but it didn’t reach his eyes...his eyes remained cautious. “Thanks, Jessie.”
We continued to eat our pie in silence, and I didn’t refuse when he offered me a ride home.
Progress. We were making progress.
- 25 -
“I’ll see you tomorrow!” I called from the front porch as I stepped in my front door.
Mom and Melissa had just dropped me off after a day of shopping and pedicures. I lugged my seven—yes, seven—bags inside the cottage and dropped them unceremoniously on the living room floor. I wasn’t sure I had enough room for all this stuff, but there was a sale and you can never have enough soft towels and sheets, right? And blankets, and kitchen gadgets…I was so screwed. I didn’t have the space for this shopping problem I seemed to have.
I reflected on my totally awesome day as I kicked off my shoes by the front door. I had such a fun time with my mom and sister. Yet another reminder of what I missed out on while I lived in the city. I’d also narrowly escaped the third degree about Danny thanks to Melissa’s quick wit and ability to distract our mother with pretty, shiny things. Danny and I were hot Oak River gossip since we’d been seen around town together a handful of times. If Oak River had a gossip magazine, the headline would have read: Would Oak River’s golden couple get back together? That’s what they’d called us as teenagers...the golden couple. It was entertaining being the center of attention back when everything was sunshine and rainbows. Not so much anymore.
Deciding on some water and a pre-dinner snack, I headed for the kitchen. I stepped onto the tile floor of the kitchen and paused.
Squish.
That wasn’t right.
I looked down and saw that my entire kitchen floor was soaking wet.
“Shit! What the hell?”
I grabbed some old hand towels from a drawer in the kitchen and threw them on the floor. It was no use though, the floor was completely soaked. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but I guessed the sink. Thankfully it hadn’t reached the wood floor yet.
Damn it.
I dried my foot off as best I could with one of the sopping wet towels, then went to my purse for my phone, which was on the floor in the living room, buried amongst the shopping bags. I really do not want to have to use my new towels on this mess.
I dialed my little brother and waited as the phone rang three times and went to voicemail. “Damn it, Mikey.” I left a desperate message, “Mikey, I need you! Water everywhere! Help!” and hung up.
I
looked at the mess on the floor and groaned. I had two bath towels that my mom had lent me. They weren’t brand new. Surely, she wouldn’t mind if I used them...I mean, I’d wash them...she wouldn’t even have to know where they’d been.
I pulled the towels out of my tiny linen closet and spread them out across the kitchen floor. There, that took care of that. I wasn’t going to pretend I knew what I was doing when it came to whatever was causing the leak, so I planned to ignore the kitchen until Michael returned my call.
I was almost finished unpacking my loot when there was a knock on my front door. Yes, thank you, Mikey!
As I pulled open the front door, I said, “Oh, am I glad to see you!”
“Likewise, Jessie.”
It was not my brother.
“Danny? What are you doing here?”
“You mean you aren’t glad to see him?” Dean asked, smirking beside his brother. I hadn’t even noticed him there. Danny outshined pretty much anyone, even his mini-me younger brother.
“I’m so confused.”
“Mike called me,” Dean said. “You have a leak?”
“Yeah,” I said, gathering my senses. I stepped aside and let them in. “The kitchen floor was soaked when I came home.”
Dean headed into the kitchen while Danny hung back. “It looks nice in here,” he said. He hadn’t been here since he helped me paint.
“Thank you. It’s coming together,” I said, wringing my hands. I was nervous, and I wasn’t sure why. I’d been alone with Danny recently, and we were currently chaperoned by his younger brother who was the biggest cockblock when we were teenagers. There was absolutely nothing for me to worry about.
“Bad news,” Dean called out. I turned towards the kitchen. He was halfway under the kitchen sink. “We’ll need to completely replace the pipes under here. I don’t think we missed this crack when we did the walk through, my guess is it just happened from the stress of being used after all this time. I don’t have the equipment to do that tonight. It’ll have to be tomorrow.”
I sighed, wanting to yell out Why not? “Okay, well, thanks for looking.”
Dean maneuvered out from under the sink. “Don’t use the sink until we can fix it. Or the dishwasher. The dishwasher draining through the sink pipes could have caused this mess.”
“I did turn the dishwasher on before I left this morning.”
“Just don’t run it again and you should be okay. I’ll get the stuff from the hardware store in the morning and come back.”
“Are you sure? It’s Sunday.”
“Do you want to be able to use your kitchen?” Dean countered.
“Yes,” I said.
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Dean.” I laid my hand on his forearm.
“You’re welcome.” He looked at Danny, then walked towards the front door. “I’ll wait for you in the car.”
What?
Danny watched Dean walk out, then turned back to me. “Do you need help cleaning up?”
“No, I can manage. Thank you, though.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, looking anywhere but at me. His hands were tucked into his pockets. He didn’t want to leave, I could tell. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to leave, either. But I knew he couldn’t stay. I knew I wasn’t ready for that.
“You should probably go,” I said, then cursed because I sounded like a bitch. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, looking up at him, his expression was pained and my heart broke. “I just meant that Dean is waiting for you.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I should go.” He sounded hurt, frustrated even. Why couldn’t I stop hurting him?
Stupid, Jessica.
He turned to leave, and I put my hand on his shoulder.
He froze.
I froze.
What was I doing?
I didn’t know.
He turned around, and he’d turned into my touch, so my hand was still on his shoulder. He was so close. He smelled so good.
This was Danny. The only boy/man I ever loved. Probably the only one I’d ever love. What was I doing?
What was I waiting for?
I took a step closer, closing the distance between us and putting my other hand on his other shoulder. I leaned my forehead against his. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confessed, and it felt good. It felt good to be so honest with him.
“Me either,” he said. “But I like this.” He put his hands on my waist. It was like we were dancing without moving. Our thoughts and hearts tangling with one another while our bodies stayed very much separate. Very still. As if we’d both spook if we moved.
Maybe we would have.
I closed the rest of the distance, crossing my arms behind his neck and resting my head on his shoulder. I hugged him. I breathed him. I loved him.
“I’ve missed this,” he said. “Missed you.” His voice was so quiet, as though he was afraid he’d scare me away.
“Me, too.”
Then the horn honked outside.
“Fucking Dean,” he cursed. Moment broken, he took a step back. “I’m sorry.”
I smiled and shook my head. It wasn’t his fault. “I’ll see you around.”
He nodded, returning my smile. He leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”
I closed and locked the door behind him, then leaned my back against it. I took a deep breath, catching the lingering scent of him and sighed. He smelled the same, after all these years. I touched the warm spot on my cheek where he’d kissed me.
I wasn’t going to be able to resist him for much longer.
- 26 -
My reprieve from twenty questions and opinions about me and Danny was short-lived. The following day I was at my parent’s house with the rest of my siblings for Sunday dinner, and it seemed that everyone had something to say about us, even Karla who rarely said anything to anyone about anything.
“I always thought you two were the cutest couple,” she’d admitted while we were setting the table together.
I always thought she and Bryan were the real town golden couple since they never actually left. The disqualifier was that Karla’s family moved to Oak River her senior year, so she wasn’t considered an Oak River kid. The joke was on Oak River though, considering Bryan and Karla were the couple who made it—did the whole family and white picket fence thing—right there in Oak River.
“Dean said you two were looking pretty cozy the other night,” Michael added.
Then why did he blow the damn car horn?? I wanted to ask. I didn’t, though, because I didn’t want to draw additional attention. Not that the word “cozy” hadn’t elicited questioning looks from Mom and Melissa. It did. Damn him. Michael had such a big mouth.
“George Malone mentioned he saw you two at the store together a few weeks ago. Buying paint supplies?”
I gaped at my father. Seriously? Since when was my dad in on the gossip? Or Mr. Malone, the owner of the hardware store. Dad looked properly chagrined, stirring his fork around his mashed potatoes, like even he hadn’t realized what he’d said.
“There’s nothing going on between me and Danny,” I lied through my teeth to my family. I was probably going to be struck by lightning on the way home. Just fantastic.
Melissa snorted, the brat. I couldn’t wait until I had some dirt on her. She would pay for her betrayal.
“Would it be such a terrible thing if there was something going on?” Mom asked. Her tone was innocent, but her intent wasn’t. I might have been thirty years old, but it was still weird talking about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my parents at the dining room table. Especially with my niece and nephews at said table. Their wide eyes were volleying back and forth between whichever adults were speaking at the time, a conversation that was way above their level of understanding.
“I didn’t say that,” I said.
“Gwen said you stopped by the other day,” she added.
“It was nice to see her.”
“She said the same.” She looked at me, as if questioning whether I’d elaborate on my conversation with Danny’s mother.
Not here. Not now. I hoped I could convey that through my eyes. If they only knew, this type of inquisition was one of the reasons I had stayed away all these years.
“How’s it going with the new town hall in Smithfield?” Bryan asked Michael, effectively moving the conversation away from my non-existent, yet tense love life. I sent him a small smile of thanks, to which he nodded in acknowledgement.
The boys talked shop for a while. Bryan’s architecture firm designed the town hall Michael and Dean’s company was building. My siblings were doing amazing things—they were happy—and they didn’t even have to leave Oak River to do them. Most of all, they’d had each other all these years.
I wouldn’t send myself back to that place again. I couldn’t change the past, only the future. I was in Oak River now. I was part of the togetherness with my family now. That was what mattered.
“The Fall Festival is coming up. Are you attending?” Karla asked me while the guys continued to talk about framing and insulation.
The Fall Festival was a big deal in Oak River, right around the time the leaves began to turn beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and red. It was held in late September, shortly after school started back up, and sort of kicked off the fall season. The festival always took place on a Sunday, not to interfere with Friday or Saturday night lights—high school or college football. Oak River didn’t care much for professional sports; we were all about our local teams though.
“Yep. I’ll actually have a booth there,” I told her. It would be my first attempt at marketing the firm. If I was being real, it would be the first time I’d be marketing myself since that’s what it was all about in a small town. It wasn’t the place or the thing, it was the person, or people, behind it.
“Oh,” she said. “I didn’t know that. I’m on the planning committee this year. No one told me.”
“I actually just signed up on Friday, so it probably hasn’t made it down the pipeline yet.”
“It’ll be great to have you there. And the sponsorship monies go straight to charity. This year it’s a childhood cancer foundation.”
Say Something Page 12