“Are you kidding me? They’re calling you an old maid?”
“Not in so many words, but they’ve insinuated it.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re not even thirty yet.”
“I’ll be thirty soon enough.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? Don’t tell me you’re buying into that?”
“I already told you I’m not. I ignore them.”
“You’re the one who mentioned your upcoming birthday. It is a big one.”
“It’s more than six months away. And I’ll hang out at The Bar like I do for every other birthday.” She shrugged it off, but I could tell it was a bigger deal than she was ready to admit.
“Why don’t we plan something fun? We can go somewhere...do something big?”
“We can have a good time here in Oak River, Jess. We don’t have to go somewhere.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“Yeah, I know,” she interrupted. “Look, I’m not having a mid-life crisis or anything, okay? I’m fine with hanging out at The Bar with my family and friends.”
“All right,” I told her, leaving it at that. I didn’t want to argue with my sister over her not making a bigger deal out of her thirtieth birthday. Not like I could say much since I did absolutely nothing for my own thirtieth birthday. I was probably projecting my own regrets onto her anyway. It would have been nice to live vicariously through her party, but that was my issue, not hers.
“So what are you going to do about Danny?” she asked, and I sighed. I knew this was coming.
“I honestly have no idea. Sometimes when I’m with him, it’s like we were never apart. Like we never had problems, got divorced...none of it. It feels like it did before everything went wrong. Other times, it feels like we’re worlds apart.”
“And when you’re not together?”
“I get so stuck in my head about everything that went wrong. I don’t know how to let it go.”
“Did you ever think that maybe he’s feeling the same way? Maybe he is having the same conflicts?” I shrugged. “You two really need to talk, Jess. You’re still in love, it’s only stubbornness keeping you apart at this point.”
“It’s not only stubbornness.”
The waitress arrived with our plates and we paused our conversation, eyes wide, as the delicious mess was placed in front of us. There was meat, potatoes, and fried vegetables slathered in cheese and gravy. If it tasted as good as it smelled, I would be a happy camper.
“This is the last thing I’m going to say about it,” Melissa began, and I set down the fork I’d just picked up.
“Okay, go for it.”
“Some people wait their whole lives and never find the one. You found him, and now you have a second chance. I think you’re afraid—no, I know you’re afraid. And that’s okay. It’s life, Jess. It’s scary sometimes. Just hash it out with him. Get it over with. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think, that man loves you too much. Then you’ll be together again and everything will be right in the world.” She picked up her fork and dove into her mashed potatoes. “This shit is good,” she said with a mouthful of food.
I picked up my own fork and scooped up some potatoes. She was right, I thought as I chewed.
And not just about the food.
- 30 -
I had no idea why I’d agreed to go fishing. I hated fishing. I hated the smell, the silence, the waiting...don’t even get me started on baiting the hook or actually catching a fish and what that meant.
Actually, that was a lie. I knew why I’d agreed.
Because Danny asked me.
Damn him.
He showed up to my office looking all adorable in his khaki pants and dark green polo shirt with the high school logo over the breast pocket and COACH embroidered directly below it. His hands were in his pockets and he looked so shy, so nervous. He might as well have said aw, shucks.
I was a goner.
Of course, I couldn’t have turned him down. Who could have?
I probably would have gone skydiving if he had asked me. He’d reminded me so much of the nervous boy who’d asked me out fourteen years ago.
Splash.
“What was that?” I asked, looking around the lake. The small wooden rowboat we were in rocked back and forth as I looked over one shoulder, then the other. There was a small ripple to my left, but whatever had made that splash sounded a lot bigger than whatever caused that ripple.
“I don’t remember you being so squeamish last time we went fishing.”
“The last time we went fishing was over ten years ago.” And I was probably trying to impress you.
“It’s like riding a bike,” he teased with a smirk, and I wanted to knock that Oak River ballcap right off his head.
“There is nothing about fishing that is like riding a bike. Nothing.”
“Oh, come on, Jess. The reel spins, so do bike tires.” He spun his reel for emphasis.
I glared at him. “Riding my bike doesn’t smell, involve worms or fish-”
“I don’t remember you being so cranky, either.”
I sighed. He had a point. I used to be a bit more laid back about stuff like this, but I’d lost my familiarity with the great outdoors after all the years in the city. I used to go fishing with Danny all the time, and while I never actually fished, I’d lay on the dock/shore/boat and just enjoy the silence. Maybe read a book. Do homework. Daydream.
But now the silence was deafening, and I couldn’t sit still. Which was a real problem since we were on a boat. A small boat that rocked with every single movement either of us made, even the little ones.
“I’m sorry. I guess I’m a little too city for this,” I admitted, feeling embarrassed for being such a wet blanket about everything.
I’d be lying if I didn’t at least say it was beautiful out on the lake. It was peaceful, and the surface of the water was smooth, like a mirror that perfectly reflected the overcast sky. Near the shoreline, you could see reflections of the nearby trees, too. The lake hadn’t suffered from the drought the way the river had, which was a blessing for the wildlife. I hadn’t spotted any of the deer I remembered seeing as a kid, but there was an orchestra of birds chirping and frogs croaking.
“It’s no big deal, Jessie. I’ll make a country girl out of you in no time.” He winked, and I felt it ripple through my entire body. “In fact, I bet that girl is still in there, waiting for the opportunity to show herself.”
I shrugged, neither confirming nor denying his claims. That, and I was afraid if I tried to speak, I’d be the one croaking.
Lightning flashed across the sky, a crack of thunder following closely behind. I almost capsized the small boat when I jumped, startled by the loud bang.
“We’d better get back,” I said, stating the obvious.
Danny was already pulling in his fishing line. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know it was supposed to rain.”
“Me either,” I said, running my hands up and down my arms to ward off the sudden chill. Judging by the dark clouds that were quickly approaching, it was going to be a doozy of a storm. “It just came out of nowhere.”
“Yeah. We’ll be back to the dock in about five minutes.” Danny worked quickly to get the fishing equipment into a manageable pile, then he got the oars in the water and began to row.
I did my best to clean up the fishing stuff while he got us back to land. I tried to ignore the way his t-shirt flexed across his pecs every time he pushed back. I hadn’t seen my ex-husband without a shirt in years, and fantasizing about him naked—shirtless—wasn’t a very productive use of my time at the moment. I managed to bring some order to the fishing poles and lures, and let out a sigh of relief when I looked up and saw the dock quickly approaching.
Just as we pulled up to the dock, the sky opened and rain poured down on us. It was like that dock scene in The Notebook, and there was no sense in rushing because we couldn’t possibly have gotten any more drenched than we already were. My jeans stuck to my legs like a second
skin, and I was certain my pale pink t-shirt was see-through. As I caught Danny staring, I decided it definitely was.
We jumped out of the boat, and I grabbed what I could carry to his truck. He worked on pulling the boat up the dock and onto the bank. It was a rental, so he had to drag it back to the rental shack, where someone was waiting to receive it.
Moments later, we were sitting in his truck in the parking lot, soaking wet, staring out the windshield at the deluge of water.
I looked over at Danny. Water dripped off his hat, now a darker green from being saturated. He looked completely dejected, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
He slowly turned his head towards me. “You think this is funny?” He asked.
I nodded. “Isn’t it?”
He smiled and shook his head. “I just wanted today to be perfect.”
“Then you shouldn’t have taken me fishing,” I told him.
At that, he laughed. “You’re right.”
- 31 -
“Can I make you dinner tonight?” Danny asked as he started up the truck. He turned the heater knob on high, and I sighed in appreciation as the warm air brushed over my cold skin. I hadn’t realized I was shivering. The rain was icy cold.
Remembering he’d asked me a question, I glanced over at him. “What’s on the menu?” I teased, since we hadn’t caught any fish. Whenever he’d gone fishing in the past, he always cooked what he caught for dinner that night.
He stared out the windshield, and I watched as the shadows of the raindrops moved down his face. It made him look like a painting, an old-fashioned portrait. He was perfect enough to be a work of art. Always had been.
“I’ve got some steaks in the freezer at home. We can swing by the farm stand on the way and grab some vegetables to grill.” He still wasn’t looking at me. It was as though he was protecting himself from the rejection he was sure would follow.
“That sounds perfect,” I told him. His eyes darted to mine, questions on the tip of his tongue. “Let’s go,” I said, patting the dashboard. “Just in case the farmers get it in their heads to close early due to the rain.”
He popped the truck into gear and spun the tires as he drove away from the landing, spraying gravel behind him.
“In a hurry?” I asked, laughing.
“I figure I better get a move on before you change your mind.”
I knew he was joking, but my shoulders still slumped. Had I been that awful to him? I knew the answer to that question. Yes, yes I had been that awful to him. Refusing to speak to him while we were married, and again now.
It was time, wasn’t it?
“Danny,” I started. I wasn’t really sure what to say, but I guessed the beginning was as good a place as any.
“Yeah, Jess?” He quickly glanced at me, then returned his eyes to the road.
“I’m not really sure how to say everything I want to say, so just bear with me, okay?”
“Okay,” he agreed.
“And don’t say anything until I’m done. If you interrupt me…”
“Just say what you’ve got to say, Jessie.” He didn’t say it in an exasperating way, just encouraging.
I sighed heavily.
Here goes nothing.
I closed my eyes and spoke.
“Our infertility really messed with my head,” I said. Getting those first few words out…admitting that to him...it was tough, but a relief at the same time. I knew he knew it messed me up, but I had to tell him that I knew it, too. “Something your mom said really resonated with me. I went through years of therapy, and a few minutes with your mom had me seeing more clearly than ever before,” I laughed softly. “We never had any conflicts in our relationship when we were growing up. Everything was so easy. It was easy to fall in love with you, to stay in love with you. We excelled in school—both high school and college. We bought our first house, got our first adult jobs…all with no problems. It was wonderful. Our life was perfect. No hiccups, no roadblocks…no problems.
“Then, all of a sudden, there’s this problem that’s larger than life, you know? Like, how can there possibly be anything wrong when everything else was always so right? It made me question everything I ever thought I knew. I didn’t trust myself. I thought I had to be wrong, that I was seeing our entire life through rose colored glasses because how could anything else be right if we couldn’t make a baby? Not all women—not all people—can go to law school and graduate at the top of their class. But any woman who wanted to get pregnant should have been able to get pregnant. It’s basic biology. Jesus…I’m not even sure I truly knew what infertility was until a few months had gone by, and I still wasn’t pregnant.”
Danny’s grip on the steering wheel was tight, his knuckles white. I could tell not saying anything was bothering him, but I pressed on. I had to get it out.
“I was so bothered by everything, and I internalized all of it. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I was broken, dysfunctional. I was made wrong. I even had misguided anger towards my parents because they’re the ones who made me, and they obviously didn’t do it right because something was so very wrong. I was mad-“ I sniffled, fighting back the tears. “I was mad at you, too, because you weren’t broken like I was.”
Danny turned in his seat to face me, then reached across the console and took my hand in his. He’d stopped the truck on the side of the road. “Look at me,” he said. “You’re not broken. You’re not dysfunctional or made wrong. Damn it, Jessie, you are perfect. You have always been perfect to me, even when you thought you weren’t.”
His tone was tender, yet final. He was letting me know what he thought, what he knew, and that there was no sense in arguing with him. His unfailing loyalty caused me to break. I snapped like a dry twig.
“I took everything out on you,” I said as I began to cry.
He leaned over the console and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me over the gear shift and onto his lap. “Baby, it’s okay,” he said, shushing me as he ran one of his hands over my upper back in small, soothing circles while the other hand held me tightly around the small of my back.
“It’s not okay,” I argued. It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay. “What I did to you…the things I said…they were unforgivable.”
He framed my face in his hands and brought my tear-filled gaze to his. He shook his head. “Nothing in love is unforgivable, Jessie. Nothing.”
Then he pressed his lips against mine and kissed me. And I let him.
- 32 -
The kiss started soft and sweet, tentative almost. It had been years since I’d felt the press of his lips against mine. Felt the touch of his skin and stubble. Felt the wisps of his breath against my face.
It felt good. I felt good.
Danny tasted the seam of my lips and I opened for him. The moment our tongues met, sparks flew through my body. I was sure he felt it, too, since his hold on me tightened.
It wasn’t long before the cab of his truck got hot. Condensation licked all four windows and our rain soaked, writhing bodies made the air thick. I was grinding against him, he was thrusting against me. Steamy was an understatement.
We broke apart and I leaned my forehead against his. We were both panting, our chests heaving. He breathed in my exhales, I inhaled his. We stayed there for a moment, looking straight into the other’s eyes, silently asking, What does this mean?
Something.
Everything.
“Jessie...it’s no secret how I feel about you. I love you, I’ve never stopped.”
“But-”
“No buts, Jess. I was there at the end of our relationship. I know what happened as much as you do. It was a dark period for both of us and now it’s over.”
“But it’s not over, Danny,” I sighed. “I still can’t get pregnant.” This wasn’t a problem that was going to get better with time or go away completely. It was permanent.
He tenderly ran his thumb across my cheek as he gazed at me with adoration. “But that chapter of our life—that pain—
it’s over, Jess.”
“Don’t you still want kids?” His dreams couldn’t have changed. He’d always wanted a family—a big family.
“Of course I do,” he answered, and my heart dropped to my stomach. “And if we need to adopt in order to have kids, then that’s what we’ll do. Jessie, I don’t care how it happens, as long as it’s with you. I want to be with you more than I want anything else. Shit happened, okay? A lot of it. But it’s in the past now. If you feel like you need my forgiveness, you’ve got it. You’ve always had it. I never blamed you. Not one time. I knew you were torn up, I knew you were blaming yourself. I should have done more to help you emotionally.”
“You did enough,” I whispered, and he pressed a finger to my lips.
“And you were right with what you said before. We never had to deal with conflict and when we finally faced something that was bigger than us, we dealt with it poorly. But we’re not over, Jessie. We were never over, I just gave you the space you thought you needed.”
“We can’t keep living like this, Jess.” Danny sat on the edge of the white sofa, his elbows on his knees, looking across our living room at me. I didn’t make eye contact. I couldn’t. It had been six months since the last failed IVF, since that last day in Dr. Rowland’s office, and I’d completely closed in on myself. I knew it was only a matter of time before Danny was finished dealing with me and my crap.
It seemed that time was finally up.
“You won’t talk to me. You won’t look at me, and God forbid you touch me. You barely even leave the house, except for work, and you’re a zombie there, too. I understand you’re upset—depressed even—but don’t you realize that I’m sad, too? We’re supposed to be in this together, Jess. Instead, I feel like I’m all by myself. I’ve needed you. I’ve needed my wife…my best friend. I want that girl I fell in love with back. Where did she go? Huh, Jess? Where is that girl? The one that was so full of life and love? I know she’s in there somewhere.”
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