by Lauren Wood
Then my phone started to ring, and I knew that it was Danny. I had many messages and I knew most likely that they were all from him. I wasn't strong enough to go through them to find out. I didn't even want to hear his voice for the second that it would take to delete the message. It was that bad.
Finally, my phone stopped ringing and I was able to go back to sleep. I had many dreams and they all included my husband that seemed to have so many lovers. In the dream, everywhere we went we were surrounded by his past lovers. The women that had taken the interviews and then pictures for the magazines. All of those women. They were fancy, beautiful, sophisticated, everything that I wasn’t. What the hell had I been thinking? It was never meant to happen between the two of us.
That seemed to be my battle cry for the next few hours. It was the first time that we had stayed away from each other and the first time that we hadn’t slept together in the same bed. I woke up many times in the night and I knew that it wasn't just because of the dreams that I was having. A lot more of it had to do with the fact that Danny wasn't next to me in the bed. I couldn't feel his heat next to me and it threw me off. Whether it was right or wrong, it was hard for me to wake up without him next to me and that just pissed me off even more.
When I realized that I wasn't going to get anymore sleep, I decided to get up and start a pot of coffee. It was strange waking up not just alone, but in my apartment. I hadn’t been here in a long time and even then, it was filled with memories of me and Danny.
Ignoring everything that needed to be done and the phone that was beeping away, I put all of my energy into getting the apartment back to snuff. Everything needed to be wiped down and the bathroom needed to be cleaned. Even though I wasn't staying there too much, there was still some maintenance that had to be done. I decluttered a little bit of my creative rooms and I thought about all of the things that I was supposed to do. I was supposed to bring some more supplies over to Danny’s house. I thought about it as my house for months now, but all that changed in the blink of an eye.
I was just about to open the front door and take the trash out, when there was a knock on it. My hand was literally on the knob, and before I think about it, I turned it and opened it. Of course, I shouldn't have because I knew already who was going to be. It could have been any one of my friends but with my luck, I knew that it was going to be Danny on the other side of it.
He pushed his way in before he said a word. Most likely he knew that I was going to allow him and then he would have to stand outside to say what he wanted to say. But now he was behind me and I was shutting the door and turning towards and bracing myself for what was next.
“I've been calling you all night. I came by last night and you wouldn’t open the door. I know you were here. You need to come home. The gameshow has been calling and they know that you were gone last night.”
“You don't care about the show So what does it matter?”
“You care about the show, so that's why it matters. I never wanted to have anything to do with the show. Neither one of us wanted all the notoriety that we are getting from it. But you want to finish this. You told me more than once. And I'm going to help you do it, so you need to get back and call the show. If we spend one more night apart, that's it. You will lose the money that you’re so determined to get.”
“Or if they find out that you cheated on me and there's proof, I guess that's it too. Why don't you just tell me now, if we are wasting our time here. Are they about to throw us out of the running, because of your infidelity?”
“You know that everything that aired on the first show and the stories in the paper are all crap. I have not cheated you Deirdre. You should know that you’re all that I want. Besides, the gameshow would have jumped on the chance to kick us off. They almost never pay out and my lawyer told me that he doubts they could this year with the currents assets on their books.”
He was moving closer like he was going to hug me or touch me in some way and I moved back quickly like he may be carrying the plague. The last thing I needed to do was to let him get his hands on me. It wouldn’t be good. I knew that much, if nothing else. I had the feeling that I wouldn’t be able to abstain from falling back under his spell. There really was nothing to be done and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on living with him, waking up next to the man I loved, but I couldn’t ever have.
“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what to believe and I feel like saying the hell with all of it Danny. Is this really worth it and what do you get out of it? It’s not like you need the money.”
“It’s never been about the money Deirdre, It’s always been about you.”
“I can’t do this right now Danny. I don’t know what to say to you and I don’t want to see you.”
“Well, you need to come home or all of this will be for nothing. I thought you wanted to see it through.”
“It’s pointless if that means that you’re not to keep your hands off of other women. You agreed to stay faithful, but I guess that was too hard for you.”
“I did nothing Deirdre. You have to believe me.”
I wanted to believe him, but there was too many questions that I couldn’t be sure about. I knew that I wanted him to care what was going to happen next, I really did, but at the same time, I wanted to forget about it all. The last thing I wanted to do was go back home to him. It wasn’t my home. It was his house. I had to remind myself of that. I had to somehow pull the emotions away or I was never going to get through this.
“It doesn’t matter what I believe Danny, but you’re right. I need to figure something out about that show. But for now, I want you to leave. I can’t do this right now.”
“Are you coming back home?”
I didn’t answer him right away, because I didn’t have one to give him. While I liked to believe that I knew exactly what was going on, the truth was that I had no clue. I was going to have to figure something out though and quick. Like my husband said, I had a few more hours to do it and if I was going to keep this going, I had to go back to his place for bed.
He waited for me to tell him something, but I finally just told him that I would see him later if I was going to keep this charade up. I could tell that he didn’t like what I called it, but what else could it be, but a charade?
Chapter 89
Danny
I left Deirdre’s apartment and I can't say that I felt any better. I wanted everything to work out and she would understand and believe everything that I said. Of course, it hadn't happened though. And she had pulled herself way back and I knew that she was debating it all. She was debating me and what we had together. She even called it a charade. Nothing that was going on was a charade.
So, I left without her and I drove around for a little bit. I got some dinner, but the food was tasteless, and the ambience was horrible. It was scary how quickly I had gotten used to having Deirdre with me everywhere that we went. Every night we ate dinner together and then went to bed together. Last night was ridiculous. I couldn't sleep, and I kept tossing and turning all night. My hands kept searching out when I woke up for her body, but it wasn't there. She never came home.
After talking to the board and then Deirdre not coming home, I knew that something had to be done. I wanted to give her some space, but we didn't have the time. If we stayed apart again, then all of this would have been for nothing. And then we wouldn't be together anymore. I was afraid that the only reason Deirdre was staying was because of the money that was at the end of this. If I ruin this for her, she’d never forgive me.
Going over there the next day, I had high hopes that we could work this out. We both had a night alone and I hoped that it was as bad for her, as it was for me. Maybe she would realize how much we meant to each other. I know that I had, but it was more an overwhelming sense of guilt, knowing that I screwed up the best thing in my life. How was I supposed to get back from that?
Deirdre had been far colder than I thought she would be. It was also painfully clear t
hat she had learn more about what happened with my past, than I’d wanted her to. For some reason, I'd hoped that she was able to just forget about all of it and to not read into anything. This is what I had wanted, but of course, it was not what happened. She had read all of the interviews and especially made comments about the cheating aspect of it. I know that I hadn't cheated, but there was something in her eyes that told me that she didn't believe me. As much as I wanted too, I couldn't force her.
All the hopes and dreams that I’d had for the night were quickly blowing away when we started to talk. She wouldn't look me in the eyes and after a few moments, it was rather transparent, that she didn't want me there. Deirdre said that she would think about coming home and seeing me later. That didn’t sound so promising.
I had been running on this false assumption that everything was going to be just fine, but I was starting to see that it was very naive of me to think that. It didn't have to work out. The world didn’t have to make things right with us. It wasn't their responsibility and after all, we’d already screwed it up bad enough.
After dinner that was not near satisfying, I went home. Deidre had convinced me we didn’t need staff, so I’d fired them and it was very lonely now at the house. It was my second night without her and I felt it had been far longer than that.
I also never realized how quiet it was when it was just me here. Before there was always somebody working and moving around in the house, but now there was nobody. It was just me. For someone who had been on their own for a very long time, it was strange to feel this way. It was strange to feel so out of place in my own house, but it was rather clear to me that something was missing. This wasn't just my house anymore and it needed the other occupant to make it a home.
I tried to stay up as late as I could, because I was still so sure that she was going to make it back. I don't know why I thought that. There was certainly no reason to think that, but deep down I was hoping that Deirdre would walk through the door and everything would go back to normal. If I could have found a way for everything to go back to the way it was, I would have done it in a heartbeat. It wouldn't matter how much money it would have taken. I would have paid it.
When it started to get too late, I was afraid that she wasn't going to make it at all. She never called to tell me that she wasn't coming, but she didn't really like phones. She didn't really use them as much as most of the rest of us did. I kept hoping she would show up, but I finally fell asleep and I was still alone in the bed.
I woke up the next morning and it took only a few seconds before I realized what was going on. My eyes hadn't even opened for the day before I remembered the day before. For a moment I wish I hadn't, because it was not something that I wanted to wake up to. It was a feeling of loss that was so strong and viable that it made it hard to breathe.
But then something happened, and I felt something next to me. More precisely, I felt someone next to me. My heart started with the questions, but I couldn't let it until I opened my eyes and saw that it was Deirdre next to me. I couldn't think of anybody else that would have be there, but I just had to make sure. I just wanted to see that it was my wife that was next to me in the bed and one side cracked and I opened enough to see her up close.
The fact was that I didn't know why she was here. She made it very clear yesterday that there was a lot of her mind and she didn't even know if we would still be together. Then again, I didn't know if her being here meant that she was going to give it a go and leave me or not. I didn't know what this meant, and I didn't want to wake her up to find out.
When I decided that it was safe, I opened my eyes back up and looked at her for a while. The idea that I had lost her was still too heavy in my heart for me to smile. I was just happy to have her next to me. I am not sure what time she got in, but I was sure that it was before midnight. She would want to miss the deadline and ruin everything. That had to be the only reason she was here. I wanted to believe that she was here because she loved me so much, but I knew that Deirdre wouldn’t be here, if not for the show and the contract. She was still holding on to it and I was going to consider myself lucky, because of it. At least she was here and to me, it almost didn’t matter the why. Almost.
“How long are you going to stare at me Danny?”
“How did you know I was?”
“I woke up when you first started moving around. I can feel you looking.”
I tried to look away, but that was a lot to ask. It was all so iffy between us and before I knew it, I was sitting up, ready to start the day. My wife was next to me, by my side. What more could I ask for?
“So, does this mean that you believe me?”
She shrugged, and I sighed inwardly. Of course, it wasn’t going to be that easy. I should have known better after all. I was the one that was going to have to prove my innocence. It certainly wasn’t going to be innocent until proven guilty with her. When I asked her to tell me how I could prove that I had done nothing wrong, she had an answer for me that I wasn’t really prepared for.
“I want to talk to her.”
I thought I heard her wrong. There was no way that she was saying what I thought she’d said.
“You want to talk to her?”
“Yes.”
“To who?”
She smiled at me and I knew that I wasn’t going to like the answer. I started to get clammy and I was unable to give the same grin that she had. This was not going to be the way I thought it was going to be. I was so sure that everything was going to be okay, but maybe it wasn’t. She couldn’t be serious.
“You know who. I want to talk to the woman that you were photographed with. I want to know who she is. I want you to call her now, agree to meet her somewhere and then I show up. You can’t call her and warn her.”
I was stunned, but I could see in her face that this was going to happen. It could happen by her chasing down Elaine or I could go along with it. The problem was that I didn’t know if Elaine was going to lie or not. She wanted us back together and would say what she thought needed to be said, to get my wife out of the way.
It was a toss-up how it was going to go, but there didn’t seem to be any way for me to get out of this. If this is what Deirdre needed, I was going to have to go along with it, no matter how much I didn’t want to.
Chapter 90
Deirdre
Danny wasn't too happy with my plan. That much was easy to see, but I really didn't care. The fact was that I wanted to talk to Elaine. I didn't want to go another step with Danny, wondering if he was with her now. I just had to know for my own sanity, if nothing else. I kept thinking about the two of them together and it was driving me crazy.
So, I made him agree even though he wasn't going to like how it all played out. I wasn't talking about doing this later in the week or even later in the day. I wanted to do this right now. I didn't want her to have a chance to be warned by him to say whatever it was that he wanted me to say. I know that it was a lot to ask for, but it was the only way I was going to be able to think clearly again. I just had to know if I was being played or not. That was a question that I never thought I would have to ask, but here I was asking it and demanding an answer.
“So, you want to talk to Elaine?”
“Yeah, and I want to do it as soon as possible.”
“Elaine doesn't usually get up until well past noon. We will at least have to wait until then. I can leave a message if you want, but I know now that she won't be up.”
“You seem to know a lot about her.”
“We spend some time together and that's it. I told you about her, so that isn't like it's a big secret.”
“So why have you been around her so much? I mean, it's not like you can deny the photographs.”
“I wouldn't want to because they're real. I work with her father in several deals and she comes on occasion with him. That is how I know her and why I’ve been around her so much. He is grooming her to take over the company.”
“Sounds innocent. So,
will talk to her and get this all cleared up. That’s the best way to do it.”
“She wants to get her minute of fame. Elaine has always wanted to be an actress or a model and to her, this is good publicity that may be the very thing that gets her discovered. Her father wants her to take over the firm, but her life is pushing towards the dramatics and notoriety.”
I didn't really want to hear that. I had seen the pictures of him and Elaine. They were close to each other and his explanation could very well be the right one, but I still wasn't sure. I wasn't the type of person that could just wonder about things and wait to see how it turned out. I was the type of person that had to find out one way or another. I would rather find out bad news so I could deal with it, as soon as possible.
“So, are you going to do this or not?”
“Of course, as soon as she wakes up, I'll call her.”
“But that gives you time to coach her on what to say.”
He was getting frustrated at me and I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I guess I could see it as a good thing, if the reason he was getting frustrated was because he was telling the truth. If I was just making a big deal out of nothing, I could see why he be upset. But I couldn't see was why I wanted that to be the cause so much. I didn't want him to be mad at me, but I at least, wanted to know why.
“I am not going to coach her, Deirdre. You should know by now that you are the only one that was worth going after.”
He said things like that it made me want to believe it. I wish he understood how badly I wanted to believe what he said. I wanted to believe that everything that happened between us was because it was all meant to be, but now, I was starting to think that I was just being stupid.