She had made a mistake, and yes, it had been a doozy. Yet if they were friends, true friends, and she meant as much to him as he claimed or let her believe, then surely there had to be some area for discussion. She wouldn’t have done what she did if she had a better choice. He had believed that she would never use her power over him. In retrospect what she should have said was that she reserved the right to use her compulsion if it was life or death.
She hadn’t, because surely that was a given.
Would he rather be dead?
A cold chill hit her in the gut as she considered this. He blamed the voices he heard on Yangzei. Yangzei was alive because Stephan hadn’t been allowed to remain and continue the fight Estelle was sure he was losing. He had told her about being controlled by others, his hatred at the thought.
No. No one would rather die than to have to submit to what she’d done. It had only lasted minutes. It was to save his life as she was trying to bring down their enemy. Surely that was important enough?
A knock sounded and Estelle buzzed in Agata. Her deputy sat down at the table across from Estelle, took a sheet of paper and a pencil and began to doodle, a habit she had whenever she was concentrating. However unlike other people’s doodles, geometric shapes or the lines coming out of letters, Agata’s sketches could be shown in a gallery. Now she began a little ladybug, wings outstretched, about to light on what looked like a buttercup. The strokes were small and lightning fast. Agata put the final touches on the ladybug and began to add in a meadow scene of wildflowers. “Have you noticed how very peaceful things have been lately?”
Estelle had. She had spoken to Caro about it. Both of them were grateful for the small reprieve, though it wouldn’t last. To Estelle it felt like the calm before the storm, as the Dawning pulled together its resources and readied themselves for the final fight. The other two suspected compounds had both been evacuated after what had happened in Mexico. Where they were now, Estelle had no idea. This was a problem but at the same time might also be an advantage. The Dawning had not been ready for an attack, that much was clear, and it said much about their state of readiness.
“They don’t think success is assured,” said Estelle. Whether they were measuring success as obliterating Wavena and Eric and their allies or enslaving humanity—or both—if the Dawning was ready they would be seeing much more retaliation at this point. Wavena had grudgingly accepted this small silver lining.
She needed to talk to Stephan about this. She stared at the phone. Since she couldn’t reach Raoul or Caro, it was operationally necessary for her to make the call. The moment Agata was gone, she would.
Agata put the finishing touches on her doodle and stood. “I am going to see Felix.”
“How is he?” The last time Estelle had gone, Felix had made it clear that he preferred to deal with Agata. Oddly, she’d been hurt instead of relieved.
“His mental powers are continuing to evolve,” Agata said. “It gave me an idea of why he might have been sequestered in the basement cell.”
“Oh?”
“I think the Dawning may have targeted him originally for his contacts and money, as Raoul said, but then when he arrived they were somehow able to sense his strength. He would be a powerful ally or weapon.”
Then, in her inimitable Agata way, she simply left. Felix reminded Estelle of another item Stephan should know about. The vampire disappearances had stopped. With help from the masquerada—Eric had dispatched a team—they had managed to rehabilitate about half of the arcana found at Sol de Playa, including Jimmy. Those people were now back with their families. Over a hundred were rescued and given a new lease on life, and official roles to help incorporate them back into the community. They wouldn’t let isolation steal their people away again.
Agata had been correct. Like Felix, all of them had turned out to possess some degree of psychic powers. Agata and Estelle checked each one before release to ensure that they held no aspect of Yangzei with them and had gone back to the ones they missed at the beginning. Why she had sensed Yangzei in them in Cancun but not here was a mystery. Perhaps he was too weak to be able to cling to his hosts’ minds. She should tell Stephan that too but before she did that she needed the guts to pick up the phone and dial the number. Five minutes. If Raoul or Caro called within five minutes, she wouldn’t call Stephan.
Four minutes.
Two minutes.
One. She stared at her phone until the six turned to a seven, not sure if she wanted it to ring or not.
Zero. She took a deep breath and her fingers tapped his number.
Chapter 34
When Estelle’s name came up on his phone, Stephan’s instinct was to throw it across the room. Not because he didn’t want to talk to her, but because he did. Desperately. Despite what happened, he missed her, an endless ache that he couldn’t rid himself of.
Yet he couldn’t bring himself to take the call. What would he say? Over the phone as well, such an intimate but unforgiving medium. Perhaps if he saw her…no, it would be even worse if he saw her. It would be too hard.
He took the call right before it went to voicemail. “Hello?”
“Hello, Stephan.”
Stephan closed his eyes. Hearing her voice was like a dagger through him. How could she have broken his trust? Part of him tried to say that it wasn’t a big deal, that he understood why she had done it. Intellectually he did—she decided she needed to get him out and that using her compulsion was the only way to do it.
Fuck intellectual. Trust lived in the heart, not the head.
He would keep it all aboveboard. This call would not be between Stephan and Estelle, ex-lovers, but Stephan and Estelle, experts in their respective fields during a watershed moment for the arcana. He could do that. He’d been in other wars, dealt with others who’d deceived him.
“How are you, Estelle?” Four words, and he congratulated himself on keeping his voice calm and his tone pleasant.
“Fine, thanks.” Estelle paused. “Stephan, I’m not even sure where to begin. I want to—”
Stephan interrupted before she could continue. The last thing he wanted to hear was an apology. Once the deed was done, what was an apology except words? To be sorry after the action changed nothing about the fact that it happened. He wondered if there was a phrase that people could deploy as a warning. Maybe a pre-pology—I’m about to choose an action you’re not going to like. “How is Felix?”
There was a lengthy pause. Estelle appeared to accept what he was offering, responding in the same tone. “We think he’s well. We had to move him to a safer facility, but he’s doing fine. He’s sleeping, at least. Not being in a Dawning cell is an improvement.”
“Safer?” Had Felix been in danger once he’d been rescued from the Dawning?
“Yes.” She coughed. “I know Caro is the new ambassador, but I can’t get through to her or Raoul. We have some information.”
“Raoul’s phone died.”
“Oh.”
She had him. He was interested, even if this was some ploy of hers to bring him under her spell again. “What did you find?”
Estelle told him about the connection they had made between psychic power and being targeted by the Dawning, and transference. Stephan held his phone to his ear as he paced around the room. This made so much sense except… “Hold up,” he interrupted her.
“Yes?” That cool voice.
“How are they even targeting these people for psychic power in the first place? How could they tell?”
“We’re investigating, but we think they had sensitives on their team who identified them.” Estelle cleared her throat. “We had no idea about Felix until recently.”
The spilled beer. Stephan frowned. “How recently?”
“The other day.”
“Did Raoul know?”
“He might, but I don’t know how. Is he with you?”
“He’s working with Isindle and Caro to figure out some connections.” He kept it vague. Perhaps he was being overly skeptical, but he was sure Raoul knew about Felix’s ability. It was a small thing but troublesome.
“Right.” There was a pause so long he wondered if she was there or had been disconnected. He was about to check when she said, “Stephan, look, I want to…I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t but this was easier. He didn’t want to deal with it.
“I need to come up to Toronto to see Caro.”
No. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t know what he wanted from her, or what she wanted from him. But he needed distance. Perhaps it had been unwise to even take the call.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why?” She sounded curious, not demanding. “I want us to move past this.”
“You want to move past this?” he echoed. Now Stephan looked at the phone in disbelief. She wanted to move on? She was done with it, she didn’t think it was a problem anymore, so it was time to forget it?
“I understand I did something wrong but I did it to save your life. You can’t fault me for that. I broke my word but I thought it was for a good reason. We can’t let this get between us forever.”
“Us?” Stephan asked. Now the hurt burst through. “There is no us, Estelle. Whatever us there was, you killed that day. To be honest, I don’t think there was an us to begin with. There was a you and there was me, or maybe a puppet me. How can I even know?”
The gasp that ripped across the phone lines was so raw he might have reached in and yanked it from her chest with his bare hands. “Is that what you think?” Estelle said, her voice shaking. “That I made you into some sort of mindless automaton who would do whatever I said?”
“I don’t know.”
“You should.” Her voice was low. “I thought we had something, something that was slowly starting to work for us. I know I screwed that up. I made the wrong choice. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Stephan and I can promise not to do it and I can apologize a thousand times. None of it will matter if you can’t let me learn from my mistake.”
“It wasn’t a mistake.”
“I did what I thought was best, and I was wrong. I can’t say more than that. I won’t do it again. No matter what. Ever. That’s the best I can offer.”
Stephan buried his head in his hands, unsure why he was on this call, unsure of why he’d even taken it in the first place. He’d been in twisted relationships before, but none of them have felt so incomplete as this. He wanted to say so much more, but at the same time didn’t know what or how to say it.
So he hung up.
* * * *
Agata returned to the room as Estelle stared at the phone in her hand. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to Toronto.”
“That is a very bad idea.”
“I need to talk to Stephan.”
Agata eyed the phone in her hand. “I get the feeling you did speak with him. Also that it did not go very well.”
“This needs to be a work conversation. I need to talk to Stephan about what’s going on with the Dawning.”
“No, you don’t. In fact, he is not involved in this at all. You need to talk to the new ambassador, who is Caro Yeats. Have you told her you’re coming to Toronto?”
“I thought it would be a surprise.” Estelle stood up and stared at the window. Florida in November was much different than a Toronto November. In front of her was green, and palm trees. Up north there was nothing but cold, slush, and snow. And Stephan.
Agata waved her down to the table. “Seat yourself.”
“I’m fine standing.”
“You are not going to Toronto.”
Estelle swung around. “Are you giving me orders?”
“What do you hope to accomplish when you’re there? Do you expect Stephan to somehow forgive you? He’s made it clear that he does not wish to.”
“How do you know that? Were you eavesdropping on the conversation?”
Agata rubbed her eyes. “If things were fine between you and Stephan, you would not be about to run up to Toronto when we are in the middle of a crisis.”
“It’s necessary,” she insisted. She had to speak to him in person. It killed her that he thought that she would interfere with his mind, to make him love her against his well. She choked back tears as a new thought occurred to her. Was she so repulsive that he thought it necessary to be coerced into being with her? That he wouldn’t have done it of his own accord?
She had done what she had thought was right. The sick feeling in her chest grew. She’d been wrong, as she knew she would be. She’d made the wrong decision and now she was being ripped apart for it and the man she…loved?—yes, loved—was suffering.
“Estelle. You have been given another chance to prove yourself.”
“I don’t need to prove myself,” she lied.
“Don’t you? You ran off to become a receptionist at a public relations agency instead of taking on your responsibilities as deputy seneschal. When you became seneschal you decided to drop everything to save your brother, instead of sending a trained team down in your place.”
She had a reason for that, another bad decision. She should have told Wavena right away, family or not. “Look, I think…”
Agata continued remorselessly. “If you go to Toronto now the only thing you will show is that you are immature and run by emotion. That you are not fit for this job, despite your training. That you have never been ready for the job and you never will be. Is this what you want?”
“I’m not fit.” The words came out before she could stop them.
“It doesn’t matter if you think that.”
“What?” Estelle gaped at her. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m not a good seneschal. I’m not fit for this role. I don’t know what to fucking do.”
“I said it doesn’t matter. Do you think we are all born with the ability to do our jobs? We work at it. We silence that little voice inside. We make errors and we try again.”
“I can’t,” Estelle whispered. “Everyone knows I should have never been chosen seneschal. I’m no Cressida.”
“No. Trying to be her is what’s making you a failure.”
Agata didn’t even wait for response, but left the room. Estelle stared at the door as it shut softly behind her deputy.
To keep this job she would need to fight for it, and if she was going to be honest with herself, Estelle had never had to fight for anything in her life. The job at JDPR, what was that? She booked meetings, she spoke to people—it was pleasant work but it wasn’t taxing. Even as co-CEO with Caro, she let her friend make most of the business decisions.
She’d only had to push herself once, and that was to complete the last seneschal test and even that motivation had been twisted: She wanted to do well because she was embarrassed to fail, not because she wanted to pass. The biggest test of her life had been to disprove a negative, not embrace a positive.
She stood up and walked around the room, then threw herself on the bed. What a sad reason for life. Here she was thinking she was better than Felix, with all of his scrounging around for power and prestige, and how was she any different?
If she wanted Stephan, she’d need to fight for him.
If she wanted to keep her job, she’d have to fight for it.
Was she ready? She might fail again. She probably would fail again.
Then what would she do?
She went out into the courtyard and into the garden, where she made a beeline for her favorite spot past the fountain. It was always empty, so she halted in surprise when she saw the back of a man sitting on the marble bench.
“Felix?”
He didn’t turn around. “I’ll leave if you want.”
She walked up and sat beside him. “How did you know it was
me?”
He pointed at his head. “Felt it but not sure how it works. It’s a little weird.”
“Is Agata helping?” The change in his personality from the previous Felix, the one who was only concerned about power and games and money, was disconcerting, but Estelle had to admit the new serious quiet Felix was a pleasant change.
“She is.” He leaned back and looked at her. “She said I should thank you for coming after me.”
“What did you say?”
“She’s right. I’m glad you did. I got myself in deep, and I wasn’t sure how to get out.” He tapped his forehead. “They did something to me, something with my mind, sort of opened it up. I’m not even sure if they’re in there or not. I can hear voices.”
“Whose?”
“I don’t know. There are too many to tell them apart. Agata thinks they’re people around me.”
“There’s a module in the training I went through that’s about controlling psychic ability,” said Estelle slowly. “Would you…is it something you might be interested in? I can get you in, get them to talk to you tomorrow. It might help.” This was the first time she had offered her brother something in decades.
“I think that might be good. You know, Estelle…”
“What?”
“Nothing.” He paused. “Lady Nadia came to visit.”
“What did she want?”
“My support.”
“Nadia came to me too, a while ago. Said I couldn’t trust Agata.”
Her brother snorted. “Same.”
“Yeah. What did she want your support for?”
“She said I’d know when the time came.”
The two looked at each other. “Will you?” asked Estelle.
He nodded firmly. “I will and I know what I’ll choose.” He gave her a real smile, the first in years. “Which is exactly what I told her.”
Estelle smiled back. “Keep me informed.”
He gave her a mock salute. “Aye, aye, Captain.” He touched her gently on the arm. “I’ll be here.”
Good to know at least one man would, even if it was the one she’d least expected.
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