by Chris Zett
Emily stopped walking and turned to her. “Can I have a rain check? I’m really, really tired.”
“Sure. I won’t have a problem falling asleep today either.” Diana smiled. It was a good sign that Emily didn’t just brush her off.
They walked without talking until they reached the end of the park. The silence was comfortable and soothed her exhausted mind that had been running in overdrive all night.
When they both hesitated at the exit, Emily was the first to break the silence. “This is where I need to turn right.”
Diana smiled. So she wasn’t the only one too tired to be original. “I can almost hear my bed calling from here.” She kissed Emily on her cheek and hugged her. “Sleep well.”
“You too.” Emily held on to her for a moment.
Diana breathed in the herbal scent of her hair and was reluctant to let her go, but her own bone-deep wariness and the knowledge that Emily was probably feeling the same prevented her from prolonging their conversation.
After a couple of days, Diana had found a new routine. Twelve hours of work at night, a walk back through the park with Emily, seven hours of deep sleep, a refreshing shower, and finally a meal she wasn’t quite sure what to call. Breakfast? Dinner? As long as it had enough sustenance to get her through another night of work, she didn’t care.
Tonight she was early and decided to catch the last rays of sunshine in the park before work. She texted Emily her plan and received an immediate reply.
I’m already here. Meet me at the lake.
Diana smiled. Emily surprised her now on a daily basis, and it had all been good so far.
Ten minutes later she found Emily sitting sideways on the wide stone border. She was barefoot, and her jeans were pushed up to her knees. One foot rested in the water, and the other leg was drawn up to her chest. She wore sunglasses and had her face angled to the sun. Diana couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but something apart from her casual clothes was different.
“You look relaxed.” Diana sat close to Emily’s foot and mirrored her posture. “Hi.”
“Hi. Good to see you.” Emily smiled and turned her head slowly in Diana’s direction. “Do you mind if we sit here for a while? Sometimes I think I see more daylight during the night shifts than during regular hours. Normally, we would still be at work.”
Diana hummed in agreement and bent down to remove her own shoes. “We probably shouldn’t think about what lives in the water.” She wriggled her toes and sent small waves toward Emily’s foot.
“No, definitely not. Let’s just pretend we’re back at the seashore.” Emily closed her eyes again and tilted her head back up.
Diana used the opportunity to study her close up. The hair was the same, the smile not really different, but Emily seemed younger and more carefree. Her eyes were without shadows for the first time in the last week, and her skin had a healthy glow, dusted with freckles. That’s it, she’s not wearing makeup. Diana wondered if she should say something because it was an important change for Emily and she wanted to tell her how stunning she looked without the artificial enhancements. On the other hand, she didn’t want to make her feel self-conscious. She shook her head. Now, that was overanalyzing. She closed her own eyes to soak up the sunshine.
“Everything okay?” Emily’s question was tentative.
“Yes. Why?”
“You just seemed…unhappy a minute ago.”
Busted. They were getting to know each other better, but Diana wasn’t ready to tell her the truth. “Only about my thoughts.” She pulled her foot from the water and retrieved her shoes. “Do you know what I need right now? Ice cream.”
Emily picked up her shoes as well. “Great idea. And I know just the place.”
Maybe that had been not such a bright idea before work, Diana thought as Emily licked her tiny spoon. The salted caramel seemed to evoke sighs and moans that sounded too close to satisfaction from another source of stimulation.
She concentrated on the refreshing tartness of her own rhubarb yogurt ice cream until she noticed that Emily had a bit of ice cream left on her cheek.
“You have something right here.” She pointed it out.
Emily tried to reach it with her tongue but kept missing it.
Uh-oh. Not such a bright idea. That image sparked her imagination and led her thoughts in an inappropriate direction. They were in a public park, and Diana had to end this before she gave in to the impulse to kiss Emily.
She wiped away the ice cream and licked her finger. “Hmmm. Good.” She deliberately didn’t do it in a provocative or sexy way, but Emily immediately blushed.
“No, no.” Emily pulled Diana’s hand down. “You can’t do that to me. Not here.”
“What? Nothing a parent wouldn’t do for her child.” Diana pointed to a father who wiped his little boy’s chocolate-smeared face with a paper napkin.
“Because you neither look nor feel like a parent to me.” Emily laughed and started walking toward the south side of the park and their final destination of the evening.
“Okay. I’ll behave. As long as you promise not to eat any more ice cream right before work.”
“Deal.”
Emily saw Liz leaning at the nurses’ station and slowed down. Maybe she would leave and Emily could avoid another awkward conversation. Their talk the other day had opened the floodgate of social interactions.
Liz just nodded in greeting and remained focused on the computer screen.
Suppressing a sigh of relief, Emily mumbled a hello and checked the lab program at the other terminal. Still nothing. She ground her teeth. “What are they doing down there? Sleeping?” Maybe I need to call and kick some ass.
“They’re short one lab tech tonight. Summer flu.” Liz stretched her arms over her head and yawned.
Emily immediately yawned too. Four hours of sleep hadn’t been enough today, but snippets of her talks with Diana at the beach house kept replaying in her mind.
“Coffee?” Liz closed the program she was working on with a few clicks.
Emily nearly jumped. She was unsure how to answer. Would sharing a cup of coffee lead to personal talks? Her old self would have refused, but she had promised herself to be more open. “I could use some caffeine.”
“Let’s go to the coffee shop and get some of the good stuff for everyone.” Liz walked past the waiting room.
Emily followed warily. The room was eerily quiet and empty except for a couple who was waiting in the corner, probably relatives of someone. They looked up but didn’t seem concerned when they just walked by. She usually avoided walking past the waiting room, afraid to be accosted with demands from patients and family members.
They entered the coffee shop on the side of the main entrance hall. It was a miniature version of a larger chain and open twenty-four/seven. Liz ordered a mixture of regular coffees, cappuccinos, and lattes for everyone.
“And a tea, please.”
The young guy behind the counter grunted and pointed at the list of iced teas. Cold and sweet wasn’t what she needed now. She scanned the board for the least-offensive coffee creation.
“Okay, no tea. A chai latte for me.”
She searched her pockets for the few bills she kept for emergencies.
Liz lightly elbowed her away and handed over her credit card. “Next time is on you.”
They sat at one of the empty tables to wait.
“So, how does it feel?” Liz said, playing with a stack of sugar packages.
Great. Now the interrogation was starting. Emily looked longingly at the door. Too bad fleeing wasn’t socially acceptable. “What do you mean?” She was stalling for time. How long could their order of a dozen fancy coffees take?
“Sharing your workload with me. Letting go of the control.” Liz seemed genuinely interested and not condescending.
Emily leaned back
. She’d thought for a second that Liz would ask her about Diana. Work was something Emily was willing to talk about, even if they skirted uncomfortable topics. She knew intellectually that most of the other attendings and all the residents thought she had a problem with giving up control. Which was true, she admitted to herself. Hearing it spoken out loud wasn’t something she was proud of anymore. “It feels surprisingly good. I didn’t know how much stress I was causing myself until recently.”
Liz grimaced. “I hear you. We can be our own worst bosses. Nobody judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves.”
“It’s not only that. I didn’t trust anyone to do a good job if I wasn’t checking everything twice. I’ve always assumed all of you don’t take the job as seriously as I do.” Emily cringed. That was insulting, even though she hadn’t meant it to be.
Liz only raised her eyebrows and regarded her calmly.
Emily raised her hands, palms outward. “I know, I know. That’s bullshit. Why shouldn’t you perform your chosen profession as good and conscientiously as you can? Why spend years and years studying and working hard if you didn’t care?”
“Exactly.” To Emily’s relief, Liz didn’t seem to take her confession personally and just continued to smile at her.
Emily wasn’t sure if she should elaborate or leave it like this. Talking to Liz was easy. If she had known how helpful it was to discuss her situation at work with a colleague, she would have done it years ago. On second thought, maybe not.
Opening up had never been in her repertoire, neither with her parents nor with Jen. Her parents had never encouraged her to share her problems, and later she had been stuck in the habit and had been too proud and independent to ask anyone for support.
Now she had to figure out how to let go. She had no idea how she could implement the practical application of her newfound insights into her daily life.
“Coffee is ready!”
She jumped up and grabbed a cardboard tray full of drinks, relieved she could get out of the conversation now without further awkwardness.
“Hey, coffee! Thanks,” Madison called out as they arrived at the nurses’ station. She reached for one of the cups.
From every corner of the ED the staff members came and helped themselves to the drinks. Emily set the box on the counter and took her own chai latte. She would have preferred to drink it on her own in the staff lounge or her office, but it would have been impolite to leave Liz alone right now.
“Thank you. Just what I need.” Peter reached past her to get one of the last cups. His hair looked a bit flat on one side, and a crease ran over his cheek as though he had rested his head on something.
“It was all Liz’s idea.” Taking the credit felt dishonest. Emily hadn’t even though about doing something like this before.
The resident just nodded and sipped his coffee with a grateful smile.
“Hey, Peter, did you leave something for me?” Diana’s voice came from directly behind her.
Emily forced herself not to spin around and waited until Diana had walked around her to the counter. She looked up to meet Diana’s gaze.
She just smiled, mouthed, “Thank you,” and sipped her coffee. Her conduct was completely appropriate for the work environment, but her eyes held affection that warmed and invigorated Emily more than any caffeine.
Diana was lying in wait in front of a curtained examination area. How long could Liz take to talk to a patient? She checked the clock on the wall again that stubbornly insisted that only a minute had passed. Diana hated running late.
The last few days she had always finished work before Emily and lingered in front of the entrance so that they seemed to meet by accident. They had never talked about waiting for each other, but she hoped Emily wouldn’t leave without her.
As if conjured up by her thoughts, Emily turned around the corner, already wearing street clothes. She looked at the same clock and back at Diana. “Still working?”
“I’m waiting for Liz to sign off on my last patient.” Diana shrugged. “No idea how long it’ll take. Do you need to leave now?”
“Has Liz already seen the patient?” Emily asked.
“No need. It’s just bronchitis.” Liz gave her more leeway at work and let Diana decide if she needed to see the patient or not, but she still had to sign them off.
Emily hesitated. “Why didn’t you ask me if Liz’s busy?”
Diana hadn’t wanted to bring it up at work, but maybe they had to talk about it sooner rather than later. “I’m not sure if you want me to, unless we have an emergency. You never said anything, but the recent change of work distribution between you and Liz is kind of obvious. If you want to keep your distance at work, I don’t mind.”
Emily blushed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to feel as if you couldn’t come to me. I haven’t figured out how to do this properly. Here. At work.” She waved her hand between them and the rows of curtained cubicles. “But you shouldn’t have to work overtime because of it.” She reached for the chart and went to the computer terminal at the end of the room. “Anything special I need to know?”
“No. Standard case. Fifty-five-year-old male, kept on working through a cold until he couldn’t stop coughing long enough to go to sleep. His wife brought him in after another sleepless night. He’s stable; clinical examination, X-ray, and blood work match. I started him on antibiotics.”
Emily had logged in and signed the paperwork before Diana had finished her explanation. “I’ll wait outside.”
Even if it was only bronchitis, it was a new development that Emily trusted anyone enough to sign off on a patient she hadn’t seen herself. Was it because of their relationship, or was Emily changing?
Diana returned the chart to the nurses’ station and tried to avoid looking directly at Courtney, who lingered there and talked to Tony. She’d learned the hard way that Courtney leaped on every perceived invitation to chat.
Tony jumped up from his chair and nearly pulled the chart from her hand. “Finished? Should I go and give him his papers?”
“Sure. If you’ve nothing else to do. Thanks.”
Tony grinned and rolled his eyes in Courtney’s direction. “You’re welcome.” He hurried off toward the examination room of her last patient.
Diana just nodded at Courtney and walked in the direction of the locker room. Her hope of a fast escape was destroyed by an overly loud and drawn-out call of “Di!”
She scowled and turned around. “Courtney. You know I don’t like to be called that.” She liked her mother, but she didn’t know if she could forgive her for naming her after a famous member of the British royal family.
“Oooh, the princess is testy this morning. Bad night?” Courtney walked over to her. “Do you want to get some coffee and talk?”
“No, I’d better get going.” Diana had just looked over the electronic whiteboard. It hadn’t been full yet, but several patients showed an empty field next to their name where a physician should be assigned. “Don’t you have patients to see now?”
Courtney rolled her eyes. “Nothing urgent. They can wait. Let’s go to the coffee shop and catch up.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. Someone is waiting for me.” Of course, she wasn’t sorry at all, but it never hurt to be polite to the department gossip.
“Ooh, a hot date?” Courtney took her arm and pulled her toward the locker room. “Come on, you can tell me all while you change.”
Shit, now she had sent her on the right track. Diana had to cut this off before rumors started. She forced her features into an unconcerned smile. “Sorry to disappoint. I’m only meeting my electrician, and I’m not into middle-aged, bald guys.”
Courtney let go of her. “Okay. How boring. See you tomorrow.”
“No, see you in three days.” Diana’s laugh was genuine now. “I’m finished with nights and have a few days off before I return t
o the day shift.”
She hurried to change and leave the hospital before anyone else could interrupt her. She couldn’t stop grinning. She was free of work; the sun was shining, and a beautiful woman was waiting for her. Life was good.
Chapter 15
Emily shuffled her chair a little to the right, slipped off her shoes, and eased back the backrest. Perfect. She was pleasantly full after their breakfast of fresh fruits and a large croissant. She shifted closer to Diana’s chair until she was completely in the shadow of the triangular white cloth Diana had hung between the house and a tree to ward off the sun. She studied the pattern of little holes that were left after some stitching had been removed. “Is that a sail?”
“Mmmh.” Diana sounded as relaxed as Emily felt.
“Yours?” There was so much they didn’t know about each other.
“No. Just something I found in a secondhand store.” Diana turned onto her side to face Emily. “I never learned to sail. Do you?”
“Sail? No. My parents thought it was too dangerous. And my mother wasn’t keen on being outdoors too long.” Looks like a sailor had been one of the worst judgments her mother had to offer if someone was tanned.
She traced the tiny points of light that broke through little holes in the sail. A straight line ran from her stomach over the wooden armrests of both their chairs onto Diana’s arm and swung back again in a wide arch. Maybe a D or a B. Diana’s skin was soft, and goose bumps erupted in the wake of Emily’s finger. She looked up.
Smiling, Diana watched the finger’s movement.
To see how she would react, Emily decided to reverse the path.
Diana’s smile deepened, and she closed her eyes. If she were a cat, she probably would have purred by now.
Emily traced a vein on the muscular forearm and decided to follow the tendons next. She hooked her finger under the ball of the thump and slowly turned the hand around until it rested palm up. The soft skin gave way to several rough bumps on the middle of the fingers, next to the thumb, and on Diana’s palm. The skin wasn’t irritated, broken, or red, so the calluses had to be older. They intrigued Emily.