by Chris Zett
Diana could only detect honesty in Jen’s gaze. “Okay. Let’s do it your way. Where do we begin?”
Jen started the recording.
Night had fallen while they had talked. Emily lit a few candles and replaced the iced tea with pizza and beer. Diana’s growling stomach was grateful for the attentiveness. She munched on the pizza without tasting it. Her thoughts swirled around her past, and Emily and Jen’s quiet conversation became white noise.
Jen opened a second beer and placed it in front of Diana. “Do you want to call it a day?”
Diana shook her head. She wanted to get it over with, and the sooner Jen had all the information, the faster she could write the articles. She took a large sip of her beer, enjoying the refreshing bitterness. “What’s next?”
Jen restarted the recorder. “Why did you leave the band?”
The question wasn’t a surprise, but the emotional turmoil the memories still evoked caught Diana off guard. “Short story: someone nearly died, and I resuscitated them. I realized then that I wanted to go back to medicine.”
“Okay, if you think that’s enough, we can leave it like this.” Jen’s voice was calm, and Diana couldn’t make out her features in the semidarkness to see if her expression matched.
If Diana was honest with herself, it wasn’t enough. She wanted to tell the story, especially to Emily. Jen had proven to be an attentive listener, asking insightful questions. She took another sip of beer to wet her dry throat, then pushed it away. She didn’t need any more alcohol to make her more light-headed tonight. “It was February, Katie’s birthday, and we had a party at our place. Not that she needed an excuse to celebrate, but there were more guests than usual. I didn’t want to mingle and tried to hide in my room, but Mel brought me out to socialize. I wasn’t in the mood for small talk and putting on a happy facade.”
Diana closed her eyes and concentrated on the state of mind she’d been in. She wanted Jen and Emily to understand she’d hovered on the edge of change, even before the trigger had pushed her over the precipice. “I wasn’t exactly unhappy with the band and my life, but I didn’t like the direction I was going anymore. Not so much going as staying stagnant, repeating the same cycle every year. We wrote songs, recorded them, went on a tour, became stressed and unhappy, returned to the farm to recharge, and then did it all over again. Mix in a few parties and award ceremonies, that’s it. Nothing meaningful. Not even writing music held any meaning anymore, because we tailored our songs to appeal to our fans rather than to express our feelings. Nothing worthwhile happened that we could honestly write about.”
Despite her intentions, Diana took a large sip of her beer. It had warmed and tasted stale. “That evening, I saw Katie with a new lover. I didn’t mind, but they shared drugs, and that pissed me off. We had nearly lost our first contract because of it, and I thought Katie had changed. Instead of facing her, I crept back to my room and ignored the party.” She peeled the label from the bottle with her fingernails and took a few calming breaths before continuing. “In the middle of the night, Katie ran naked into my room and woke me up. At first, I thought she was having a bad trip, then I realized something was wrong. I followed her and found her lover unconscious in her bed. She’d obviously vomited and probably aspirated some of it. I did everything by the book, called 911, started resuscitation when her breathing stopped. Only I couldn’t do much without equipment. It felt like ages until the paramedics arrived. They intubated her and got her back, but it was too late.” Diana’s voice wavered. “I never learned the details because the family kept her hidden, but I know she’s got severe brain damage. I should have been faster.” The guilt remaining from the night lingered, and now it rose. Fighting to keep it from swallowing her, she dug her nails into her palm. The pain kept her in the here and now.
Emily opened Diana’s fist and took her hand. She had moved to sit on Diana’s armrest while she talked, not that Diana had noticed anything. “You can’t know how long she was in this state before Katie got you. And even if you’d been superhumanly fast, the odds of resuscitation always remain incalculable.”
“I know. Thank you.” Setting the beer bottle with the shredded label on the table, Diana turned to look at Jen. “That night changed something. I couldn’t go back to my life as a drummer and seriously contemplated returning to medicine.”
“You did it because you feel guilty,” Jen said.
“There’s nothing to feel guilty about!” Emily’s voice was sharp.
Diana considered both statements for a moment. “Guilt might have sent me on that road again, but it didn’t keep me there. What I learned from the resuscitation was that I had grown enough to take on the responsibility for another life. During my first residency, I had always feared my reaction in such a situation and had avoided critical patients whenever possible. Playing in a band wasn’t just more fun; it was emotionally easier. Nobody died if I played a wrong beat. I think I have finally grown enough to be a good physician. I might not have needed a detour of nine years; maybe a good kick in the ass would have brought me to the same result.”
Emily linked their fingers. “You’re right. You have that sense of responsibility now. I see it more in you than in the other residents. I always thought it was because of your age, but that’s only part of it.”
“And Katie? If the rumors are true, she overdosed. I know you can’t break patient confidentiality. Can you tell me how it was for you to see her again, as her physician?”
“At first I didn’t recognize her. I just did what had to be done, but it reminded me of the scene with her lover. I struggled with that, but it was a relief that I was able to do all the things I wanted to do last year.” Diana looked from Emily to Jen. Both nodded, and it helped to see the understanding in their expressions. “When I realized who she was, it hit me like a meteorite, but it didn’t immobilize me. It hurt to see her like this. Intellectually, I knew she’ll always struggle with addiction. No matter what her mother, her friends, what I did, no one could help her stay clean for long. But I thought after what happened last year she’d come around, but obviously, I was wrong.” To her surprise, the hurt was only a faint memory now. Diana was tired of thinking about Katie and the emotional roller coaster she’d been through in the last nine years. She massaged her neck with one hand. The tension threatened to evolve into a headache.
“I’ve one final question. Did you ever take drugs? Serious stuff like Katie, not a just some weed?” Jen looked at her with a steady gaze, and her tone was nonjudgmental.
“Jen!” Emily’s voice rose to a painful height.
Diana had expected the question, and her respect for Jen rose. She asked what everyone wanted to know: was she safe around prescription drugs? Diana hesitated. Did she trust Jen enough? Holding Jen’s gaze, she decided honesty was the only way to go. “Yes. I tried most of it. I don’t know where my upbringing or genetic makeup differed from Katie’s, but I was lucky and never got addicted. I was curious, gave it a try once or twice, and that’s it. I never even touched a joint after college.” She shrugged and grinned. “I’d prefer it if that didn’t make it into the article.”
Jen nodded and grinned back. “It won’t. Thanks for your honesty.”
Diana turned to Emily, afraid of her judgment. She couldn’t read her expression in the darkness, but the clasp of her hand never wavered.
Emily bent down and kissed her on the lips. “I love you.”
Chapter 21
Diana’s only consolation was that the drunk student who had been stupid enough to try to run through a glass door probably felt worse.
She was dead tired, and it was only the beginning of her first night shift. She’d been relegated to nights in an attempt to minimize exposure to the public as a compromise for keeping her job. Not too bad as compromises go.
The upside was that she’d had time to spend the day outside in her small garden, taking advantage of the late J
une weather to plant a few flowers and shrubs. Mel had surprised her with a visit to take her mind of her current situation. The day had been great, but the downside was that she hurt all over now.
A check of the electronic whiteboard at the nurses’ station showed that finally every patient was covered for now. Time enough for a quick coffee run. Without it, the night would be endless. She hadn’t even taken three steps in the direction of the coffee shop beyond the waiting room when someone called her name.
Diana turned around.
Stacy had left the admissions desk to jog after her. “Dr. Petrell, wait!”
Diana had to smile as the giant bun on top of Stacy’s head wobbled with each step. “What can I do for you, Stacy? And I’ve told you to call me Diana.”
“I wouldn’t go through there if I were you. Another couple of fans pretending to be sick are waiting. Peter volunteered to see them. They asked me if you have a girlfriend.” Stacy blushed and avoided her gaze.
“I’m so sorry you have to deal with them. Thanks for warning me.” Diana sighed. “I hoped to get some coffee.”
Stacy perked up. “I can get you one. How do you like it?”
“No, but thank you. I’ll be fine with the brew from the staff lounge.” Not that Diana didn’t appreciate the offer, but since her outing as a former rock star two weeks ago, Stacy’s usual friendliness had turned into starstruck adoration. She didn’t want to give her wrong signals and encourage that behavior.
On her way to the staff lounge, angry yelling caught her attention. A female voice was scolding someone, probably one of her colleagues by the words she could make out. “Brainless resident” was repeated several times.
The door to treatment room two swung open and nearly hit her.
Dr. Riley, the cardiologist, stormed out, and Diana jumped back, but it was too late. She hit Diana directly in the middle like a medicine ball. Both swayed, and Diana fought to keep on her feet, trying to steady the very pregnant woman at the same time.
“Keep your hands off me. What are you doing here, standing in the way?” Dr. Riley fixated her with cold blue eyes.
Diana raised her hands in what she hoped was a conciliatory manner and took a step to the side. The cardiologist’s temper was legendary, and she didn’t want to get into a discussion with her.
Dr. Riley brushed by her without another word, but after a couple of steps she stopped and clutched her belly with both hands. Her breath came in short bursts.
Had Diana hurt her? Or was she having contractions?
“Dr. Riley, are you okay? Can I help you?” Diana didn’t like the woman, but ignoring her obvious discomfort wasn’t an option.
“Okay? I haven’t been okay for nine fucking months.” Her voice shook, and she clutched her belly again. “I don’t have time for this today.”
“Do you want to lie down? Should I call your obstetrician?” Diana looked around for anyone who could help, but for once, the hallway was empty.
Dr. Riley shook her head. “Just Braxton Hicks. No need to call anyone. I’ve still got work to do.” She had regained control of her voice, and it was as cold as her eyes. Only the sweat beading on her temples and the tight set of her mouth betrayed her discomfort.
Diana doubted the contractions were just false labor judging by their force. The real question was should she interfere? Dr. Riley was a colleague and could interpret the signs as well as she could. If she wanted to ignore them, it wasn’t really dangerous to let her go off to another part of the hospital. Wherever she went, she’d be surrounded by medical personnel, and as soon as the pain became unmanageable or her water broke, Dr. Riley could get help. She’d give it one try to convince her, then she’d let her go. “We could check you out real quick without signing you in. If you’re right, you can return to work anytime.”
“You’re the rock chick, right?” Dr. Riley pointed her finger at Diana. “What do you know?”
Diana suppressed a wince. She’d heard something along those lines from a couple of patients in the last week, but not until now had a colleague doubted her. Diana watched her leave, too frustrated to reply. And what should she say?
Wait, where was Dr. Riley going? That wasn’t the way to the cardiology department. That way was only the back entrance to the small garden. Should she follow her and risk another confrontation? She shouldn’t be alone in her condition. Diana squared her shoulders and hastened after her.
She caught up with Dr. Riley at the bench where she and Emily had shared their first kiss. It seemed as if it had been another life, but was only two months ago. “Dr. Riley, I’m sorry to disturb you out here, but I think you shouldn’t be alone right now.”
Dr. Riley turned around with a frown. She opened her mouth, but the scalding reply Diana expected didn’t come. Instead, Dr. Riley paled, and her eyes rolled upward. Swaying, she reached out to steady herself. It was too late. She tumbled to the ground like an overripe pear falling from a tree.
“Dr. Riley?” Diana kneeled next to her and tried to rouse her. When shaking didn’t help, she rubbed her knuckles over the upper part of Dr. Riley’s sternum peeking out from her scrubs. No reaction. She checked her pulse at her neck. Irregular and racing, but strong enough. She reached for her phone but then remembered she had left it in the locker today because someone from a so-called news website had found out her number and bombarded her with messages. She patted Dr. Riley’s pockets until she found her phone, but it was locked. Great. Should she call 911?
A soft moan came from Dr. Riley. “What…what happened? Why am I on the ground?” She clutched her belly and moaned. After a moment, the pain seemed to have passed, and she slowly looked from one side to the other until her gaze fixated on Diana. “You, Rock Chick! I said I didn’t need help!”
Diana had enough. “That was before you fainted. Now shut up and let me help. And that’s Dr. Rock Chick to you.”
To Diana’s surprise, Dr. Riley did as she was told. Diana didn’t know if she reacted to her words or the authoritative tone or if she was too weak to protest, but it worked. “Can you sit up?”
“I didn’t faint,” Dr. Riley mumbled. She lifted a hand to push her sweaty hair out of her eyes and sat.
“Fainted, collapsed, call it what you want. You had a syncope and an irregular tachycardia.” Diana pulled gloves and her stethoscope from her pocket and worked through a physical examination before Dr. Riley could complain again. When Diana touched her belly, it hardened with a contraction, running from left to right.
Dr. Riley gripped her hand, and Diana nearly groaned along with her as she squeezed it. When the contraction had passed, she extricated her fingers.
The green scrubs pants were now stained and wet. Her water must have just broken.
Shit. “If I help, can you move to the bench?”
It wasn’t easy, but she managed to heave Dr. Riley up. Both gulped for air when she had finally settled.
“No way you can walk back now.”
“Just give me ten minutes, Rock Chick, I’ll be fine.”
“In what kind of denial are you? You’re in labor, and I don’t know if we have ten minutes. Could you unlock your phone so I can call for a stretcher?” She called the nurses’ station and quickly explained where she was and what had happened. Madison promised to come with help. Diana turned back to the woman on the bench.
She was still pale around her mouth and eyes, but red splotches colored her cheeks. Breathing much too fast, she was clutching her belly again.
“Dr. Riley, I need to get you undressed to see how far you are.”
She let her head fall back and nodded.
Diana took the silent compliance as a bad sign. Removing the wet scrub pants was awkward, but with some help from Dr. Riley, Diana managed to pull them down to her ankles. They were swollen and judging by the discoloration of the skin had been like this for a while. No wonder she’s
so bad-tempered. That must hurt like hell. She carefully peeled the pants and her underwear off the rest of the way.
Another contraction started. Dr. Riley pulled up her legs and moaned.
Diana glanced at the hospital building. Where are the others? When she looked back down, she could already see the baby’s head. Oh shit. “You need to push.”
“I can’t. Not now. That’s not the plan.” Dr. Riley’s eyes were large and filled with fear.
Why was she so stubborn? “Are you kidding me? Fuck your plan. We don’t have time for this. The head is crowning, and you need to push—now!” Diana carefully pulled her legs apart, holding eye contact with Dr. Riley, who didn’t resist but still didn’t look as though she realized the importance of the situation. “Listen, I’m sorry the birth is not going as you planned, but your child seems to be as stubborn as you are. We can do this, but only with your help. So when the next contraction comes, you push. Okay?”
“Fuck!” Dr. Riley screamed and pushed.
“Yeah, fuck.” Diana couldn’t agree more.
Emily needed a minute to make sense of what Madison was trying to tell her. Diana was delivering Dr. Riley’s baby in the garden? Was this a joke? But the nurse wasn’t such a good actress to pull off the mixture of excitement and incredulity.
Hastening around the last bend in the garden, Emily couldn’t believe her eyes. She stopped abruptly, and Madison, Tony, and Courtney nearly barreled into her.
Dr. Riley lay on the bench with a tiny baby wrapped in dark blue cotton that looked suspiciously like a scrub shirt, grinning in the deliriously happy way only new mothers with the rush of endorphins could. It was the first time Emily had seen her without a frown.
“There’s the cavalry.” Dr. Riley pointed at Emily.
Diana turned around. She looked stupefied but echoed Dr. Riley’s wide grin. Blood covered her gloved hands, and she wasn’t wearing anything but scrub pants, a stethoscope around her neck, and a black sports bra. The contents of her shirt pockets were scattered on the ground. She must have just tossed everything when she’d used her shirt as an improvised wrap for the baby.